Waiting...

for an inevitable miscarriage to occur is like waiting for someone with a terminal illness to take their last breath. This isn't the ending that you would have hoped for, but you realize there's just no turning it around and want the whole thing to just be over already. While there haven't been chemo treatments or radiation for months or years on end, there have been plenty of other invasive procedures, needles, and what now are clearly turning out to be unanswered prayers. The feeling in my heart right now I can only compare to how I felt when I sat at my mother's bedside and told her, more like encouraged her, that it was time to go be with the Lord. It's a grieving process like any other I suppose, except that it's happening to me instead of watching it happen to someone else.

Plus, there are the questions of how it will happen. Will it be like last time? I assume it will be, since I'm exactly the same amount of time along in the pregnancy. It basically felt like someone was stabbing me with a huge knife to the uterus before the longer bouts of excruciating cramping and bleeding began. I have no idea how experts can say that many people may have had early miscarriage and not even known about it, just thinking it was a late period or something. In my experience it feels nothing like a period when it first begins. It was very difficult for me to even get out of bed for about 2 days the last time this happened and then it continued on and off for a week. I've blocked some of it out mentally, but I'm sure some of that was also due to the intense depression that set in, perhaps from the sudden drop in hormones. It really puts your mind and body through the ringer.

Where will I be....getting my hair done on Tuesday night? Will I be able to act normal and not break down in public crying if and when it happens?  Please Lord give me the strength to hold it together.

How long will it last?  Will I see the sac holding the embryo? Should I save it and have it tested for chromosomal abnormalities to figure out what could have happened? Would it give me any real answers anyway or would it just come back inconclusive? Can I even bare to look in the toilet? How could I not?? Ugh, I just want it to start so it can be over!

People have been amazing the past couple days, including those of you reading and commenting. I can't tell you how much a small note of encouragement helps. I never announced my pregnancy on facebook, but I did announce it's ending. Honestly, I did it because I just know there are other women out there who have gone through similar things, and it drives me absolutely nuts that no one talks about this stuff. It really bothers me that it's such a hush hush thing, and I wish people were more educated on infertility and loss. I also wish other women felt more comfortable about going through it themselves and realize that it's ok to cry out publicly and seek encouragement from those around you. Of course, I am the type of person that if I don't talk about it and get it out of my system I will implode. I have to talk about things. It's just who I am. 

Hubby and I also had a great talk last night. He is just SO amazing. I think he should write a book for men, because he has a phenomenal gift for always saying the right thing at the right time. If there is only one thing in life I can find to be grateful for in light of the circumstances, it's him! We talked about where to go from here, and we both agreed we will let Dr. Vaughn guide us in what the next steps are. We will have our own questions for him of course, but we truly feel like we are in the best hands possible, and we completely trust his advice on what to do as far as testing if needed and our next steps in trying to conceive.

We feel like we have found what works in trying to conceive, since obviously the Femara, IUI, Prometrium cycle worked the second time around. For some reason though, my body is not holding onto pregnancies, and so there are a lot of unanswered questions. We're really interested to see what Dr. Vaughn's thoughts are. I don't even know when that will be, but I may request that his nurse have him call us to chat or set up an appointment for us to come sit down and discuss our next steps. I think we just have too many questions to be going back and forth with the nurse, who is more just the messenger than the decision maker.

We're not looking forward to being back to square one, but we have come to terms with it and are trying our best to stay grateful for the fact that I CAN get pregnant. We'll hopefully have more answers soon, or at least the ability to try again.

"I declare nothing I face will be too much for me. I will overcome every obstacle, outlast every challenge, and come through every difficulty better off than I was before."- Joel Osteen's book I Declare

So no, we're not giving up!