I'm Hurting, But I'M HERE

Who wouldn't love a weekend away at a golf resort, especially when there's a massage and facial on the books? Anyone right? Well, anyone who isn't the slightest bit affected by being the ONLY COUPLE at the whole resort without a family in toe. I swear I am not exaggerating.

I really do feel bad for whining. My husband took the time to turn one of his golf tournaments into a nice weekend for us. Knowing this, my MIL even bought me a birthday gift card to their spa to use while there. I had all these grand plans to lay out at the pool and bake in the sun and just BE. We promptly realized upon our arrival that the pool was completely overtaken by swim diapers and cannonballs, but managed to squeeze into the last two chairs available and eek out an hour of sun.

Saturday it rained for most of the day. While hubby golfed, I busied myself walking around indoors and sitting in their Serenity Room reading my book, The Fault in Our Stars.

Great read by the way, if you can find inspiration from a young woman's cancer/love story, albeit a fictional one....it definitely moved me! Honestly, if I could have spent the entire weekend in this room it probably would have been less painful emotionally.

Leaving our hotel room there would be a happy little family holding hands and crossing our path. Stepping off of the elevator, another with a packed stroller would enter. Rounding the corner, there was a pregnant woman resting in a chair and rubbing her belly. Approaching the hostess stand for dinner there was another family of four, including a two year old with bright blonde hair and the world's cutest pigtails. Even choosing to eat dinner in the bar area, I still somehow managed to have another pregnant lady and her friends situated right behind me talking about the pregnancy, "Have you decided on a name? Ohhhh, that is so sweet!" Just the tip of the iceberg, but you get it.

We decided to venture out on Saturday afternoon to get away. I think my husband was quite aware I was having a hard time with the resort experience. We decided to go see a funny movie, The Heat, and grab some lunch first. It's been a loooong time since we've been to the mall, but this is where the movie was. We decided to grab a bite at California Pizza Kitchen beforehand. I really wish I would have taken a picture, because the scenery was just soooo over the top. There were literally NINE strollers parked in a row outside the entrance. Yes, I counted. It was like a baby biker bar for goodness' sake! Even my husband (who never makes these sort of comments) says, "Ok, this is just ridiculous." He was right. It truly was. Sage word of advice for anyone planning to spend the weekend in the Barton Creek area of Austin, TX....FAMILIES ONLY! And also, malls probably aren't the safest place to frequent either if you don't want to get run over by a stroller.

The Heat was hilarious luckily, which saved the day momentarily before returning back to Romper Room Resort. Thank God (I mean my MIL) for my massage and facial the next day too. I was in desperate need of pampering by that time. You know when you get so frustrated you just want to throw your hands in the air and say to heck with it? That is what I did. Evidence below...

Chocolate, sugar, and dairy; All whipped into a deliciously fertility UNfriendly dish. A girl can only take so many dietary restrictions before she caves! Somehow, Reese's peanut butter cheesecake just makes it all better.

I realize there are MUCH bigger problems in the world than the fact that we are having issues starting a family of course. I also realize that I was at a golf resort experiencing the emotional side effects of infertility, and not in a homeless shelter somewhere. I am continuously giving thanks for ALL that we do have, and especially that we have each other. There just always seems to be a "special" place in my heart reserved for this intense sadness and emptiness that never goes away. I can't help feeling hurt when our dream of a family is still hanging in the balance.

I woke up Monday feeling completely defeated and extremely depressed, so much so that I finally made the long overdue call to a therapist who specializes in infertility. This wasn't an easy call to make, but I know I can't do this alone anymore. My husband is amazing YES, but it also shouldn't lie solely on his shoulders to be my sounding board and support me(us) through the ups and downs on this crazy rollercoaster. My first apt. is next Monday, and I feel better already knowing I have someone professional to talk to about all of these unwanted emotions.

No doubt I am hurting, but I AM STILL HERE. I am still trying to make it through this hard time with some semblence of who I once was. I am trying to minimize the scars that will be left behind once this infertility journey has ended, God willing. I am certainly not giving up by any stretch of the imagination.

This weekend made me think of a sermon that Joel Osteen gave recently called "Stay in the Game." He brings up an example of a professional basket ball player that attends the big game with a broken hand and bruised ribs. A reporter asks the basketball player, "How are you feeling today?" The basketball player responds, "It's a little painful, but I'd rather be in the game in pain than watching from the sidelines."

Pastor Osteen reminds us that God will give us beauty for our ashes. We all have wounds, but we can't allow it to sideline us. We need to shake off the self-pity and discouragement and get back in the game. Sometimes in life, we have to play in pain. God is in the business of helping those who keep getting back up, even when times are tough.  It's easy to stay faithful and determined when things go our way, but it's when we can still show up during difficult times that God really takes notice. Our attitude should be, "I may be hurting, but I'M STILL HERE." I really LOVE this sermon...

That message is going to be forefront in my mind as I work through each emotional obstacle that comes my way. I will keep it in my back pocket for the times I feel defeated. No doubt there will be more, but I will not just complain and do nothing. I may be bruised and bandaged, but I am doing my very best to continue showing up and doing something about it. I will not be sidelined, and I will not give up.  I'm hurting, but I'M HERE.