Pregnancy Loss #3 :(

Today we received word that I am "barely pregnant", and not for long. Blood test revealed:

hCG= 6
progesterone= 8
estrogen= 64

Looks like we can assume this will be our third pregnancy loss. I guess when we entered into this cycle I was thinking that the third time (our 3rd IVF transfer) would be the charm! Well, this third time is definitely NOT the charm.

The past week has felt a bit strange. Friday evening (3dpt) I felt some extremely sharp pains followed by some strange fluttering in my far left lower abdomen (identical to what I felt last time with my ectopic pregnancy). As I lay in bed, I even thought quietly to myself "Um, that felt uncomfortably familiar. I really hope that was either a normal implantation or just gas." I know people rarely actually feel implantation, but I definitely felt it during my last ectopic pregnancy.

Then, I had fleeting and re-appearing signs of what were "maybe pregnancy-like." I tried to ignore them and attributed the super sore nipples coming and going, along with fluctuations in breast size to just being the fertility meds. However, what wasn't typical was how they would come and go day in and day out. The only other time this happened was during my ectopic pregnancy. Like one day I'd wake up with sore boobs, and twelve hours later it's completely gone, and then low and behold it comes back....very inconsistent.

I'm not saying this is ectopic. It shouldn't be, right? I mean, isn't that WHY we moved to IVF in the first place...to avoid the ectopic nightmare we experienced when we did IUI? That is the whole reason for taking the fallopian tubes out of the picture....only 1-2% of people will experience ectopic pregnancy during IVF. I'm sure I'm just reading into everything too much and speculating unnecessarily. Praying with everything I've got that this is a normal early miscarriage and not an ectopic repeat. Yes, I actually just said I hope this is a "normal miscarriage." Sometimes I can't believe this is my life, but I guess it is.

Either way...early miscarriage or ectopic, it's another loss of life and my heart is broken. I had become so attached to the picture of those two seemingly perfect little embryos that were taped to my kitchen backsplash next to our prayer for them, especially the little hatching one. It just seems more real when you can see that process taking place for some reason.

I feel like my body is so broken right now. Sperm and egg seem to be perfectly happy together until they enter my body. It is just the most deflating feeling in the whole entire world to feel you can't do the one thing women are put on earth to do. Animals of every living species don't seem to have a problem with the one thing I can't do. I feel broken, and flawed, and like I may not ever be fixable.

I've tried my best not to ask this question in a pathetic, begging way to God, but I can't help it right now....

Why God, WHY? Will I ever understand why this has to be so hard? I feel like I have almost wrapped my brain around infertility and the lessons we are supposed to learn, but why give someone something if you're just going to take it right back away?

I'll do a repeat hCG test on Monday to make sure the number is decreasing to zero. Praying that my instincts from Friday night were wrong (that this isn't ectopic) and that my zero comes right away with the next test. Then, we have yet another "WTF appointment" set with our RE Monday afternoon. I already have 3 pages worth of questions to ask. In the meantime, I'll be here trying to set the world record for chocolate chip cookie eating. Ugh, I hate these feelings of defeat, heartache, and having to start all over again.