Maybe it's because my mom prayed my entire life that I'd meet the exact man God had chosen for me. Maybe it's because we lived together for quite some time before getting hitched. It wasn't like we moved in together for the first time. In fact, my husband was living in London working for a tech company and I was teaching 6th grade in Orlando at the time we got married. We'd lived together, apart, and had survived a lot. I'd just lost my mom to cancer a few months prior and my step-father to cancer 6 months before that. That to me, was HARD. Marriage was not.
We had YEARS of living without much worry; financially, health-wise, emotionally. We moved a lot for his company yes, but outside of that, life was gravy. We went where we wanted, when we wanted, and did things how we wanted.
Then, came the unexpected 3 yr+ journey to parenthood. Never could we have prepared for the bumps in the road. I have seen marriages end a result of embarking on this excruciatingly tough road. Not ours thankfully. However, I think it was the first time in a long time where life (which includes marriage) required work. I know I don't need to explain. You guys GET IT.
So here we stand, arriving at the place we've worked so hard to get to. Our dreams of becoming parents have come true. We have a beautiful, healthy baby boy who lights up both of our worlds the minute he opens his eyes every single day.
Why then, does it feel like I'm sometimes drowning in a mess of emotions still...or maybe again, just in a different way? I find myself floundering to figure out this parenting thing. I'm surprised at how well I'm learning to mother in certain areas, yet feeling completely defeated in others. Am I doing this right??
One of the places I know I can do better is being a better wife. I have caught myself a lot lately being someone I don't want to be...someone who makes sarcastic remarks, or corrects my husband, has to have things "my way", or becomes a smart ass when someone wraps a piece of pizza in tin foil because it's too loud and will wake the baby sleeping in the living room. Yep, that happened. To my defense though, why must tin foil be so loud?
I know without a doubt much of it's due to getting literally only 3 solid hours of sleep each night (usually 9 pm-midnight) until my shift for baby watch begins again from 12-6 am. My body is getting so used to lack of sleep it's even become impossible to nap while P's napping, whether it be day OR night. I won't lie. It's wearing me thin, and it presents itself by highlighting all of my most flawed character traits, bringing those into the forefront. It doesn't help that I am a textbook Gemini. Whoever said life is like a box of chocolates must have missed greek mythology and the story of Pandora.
However, this too shall pass. The life of a first time parent, and especially one of a newborn, is going to present challenges that no one could prepare us for. And for one of the very few times in our lives, marriage may actually require some work. It may require me to hold my tongue more often, to ask myself how what I'm about to say or do affects my spouse and my family, and to be comfortable with not being right. I am working on it though, and am committed to being a more laid back wife who points her finger a little less.
Recently, I started reading a new devotional, The Power of a Praying Wife. I'm only a couple chapters in, but this book couldn't have come at a better time. I am absolutely loving it! I want to share with you the first prayer from the book.
If you take the time to read it, I promise you won't be disappointed. I hope you get as much from it as did I...
Lord, help me to be a good wife. I fully realize that I don't have what it takes to be one without Your help. Take my selfishness, impatience, and irritability and turn them into kindness, long-suffering, and the willingness to bear all things. Take my old emotional habits, mind-sets, automatic reactions, rude assumptions, and self-protective stance, and make me patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle, and self-controlled. Take the hardness of my heart and break down the walls with Your battering ram of revelation. Give me a new heart and work in me Your love, peace, and joy (Galatians 5:22-23). I am not able to rise above who I am at this moment. Only You can transform me.
Show me where there is sin in my heart, especially with regard to my husband. I confess the times I've been unloving, critical, angry, resentful, disrespectful, or unforgiving toward him. Help me to put aside any hurt, anger, or disappointment I feel and forgive him the way You do-totally and completely, no looking back. Make me a tool of reconciliation, peace, and healing in this marriage. Enable us to communicate well.
Make me my husband's helpmate, companion, champion, friend, and support. Help me to create a peaceful, restful, safe place for him to come home to. Teach me how to take care of myself and stay attractive to him. Grow me into a creative and confident woman who is rich in mind, soul, and spirit. Make the the kind of woman he can be proud to say is his wife.
I lay all my expectations at your cross. I release my husband from the burden of fulfilling me in areas where I should be looking to You. Help me to accept him the way he is and not try to change him. I realize that in some ways he may never change, but at the same time, I release him to change in ways I never thought he could. I leave any changing that needs to be done in Your hands, fully accepting that neither of us is perfect and never will be. Only You, Lord, are perfect, and I look to You to perfect us.
Teach me how to pray for my husband and make my prayers a true language of love. Where love has died, create new love between us. Show me what unconditional love really is and how to communicate it in a way he can clearly perceive. Bring unity between us so that we can be in agreement about everything (Amos 3:3). May the God of patience and comfort grant us to be like-minded toward one another, according to Christ Jesus (Romans 15:5). Make us a team, not pursuing separate, competitive, or independent lives, but working together, overlooking each others' faults and weaknesses for the greater good of the marriage. Help us to pursue the things which make for peace and the things by which one may edify another (Romans 14:19). May we be "perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgement" (1 Corinthians 1:10).
I pray that our commitment to You and to one another will grow stronger and more passionate every day. Enable him to be the head of the home as You made him to be, and show me how to support and respect him as he rises to that place of leadership. Help me to understand his dreams and see things from his perspective. Reveal to me what he wants and needs and show me potential problems before they arise. Breathe Your life into this marriage.
Make me a new person, Lord. Give me a fresh perspective, a positive outlook, and a renewed relationship with the man You've given me. Help me see him with new eyes, new appreciation, new love, new compassion, and new acceptance. Give my husband a new wife, and let it be me.
In Jesus' name I pray.
No matter what we're going through in life, I've always known that our marriage needs to come first. Even with Preston now here, my husband still comes first and always will. We are the foundation that this family will be built upon, and as everyone knows, a house that's broken will not stand. I want our house to be solid. I want to be the wife that my husband wants to be around 24/7. I want Preston to feel the unmistakeable love that exist between his mom and dad and to find that same love for himself someday.
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| Love this man! |
I could have written this myself. DH and I had been married 8 years before we had our first m/c. That in itself presented some challenges, along with the year afterwards dealing with infertility. Having a newborn after 10 years of marriage, it was hard. I understand how those that have kids RIGHT AWAY after meeting can sometimes find it difficult or impossible to stay married. In some ways, I'm glad that it took us so long to have a child because it gave us a chance to create a solid foundation before bringing a newborn into the house.
ReplyDeleteWell I must say I know how it feels to live with a Gemini. Lol. It sounds u have a strong foundation underneath you. Lack of sleep can really do a number on u. With this said I think some minor tweeking of things will have u right back where u were at. After all u just had a baby I'm sure hormones have a lot to do with the lack of processing what ur saying.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful!!! You guys are doing a great job and it's encouraging to hear the good, the bad, the hard, and the amazing. I've heard really good things about that book. I'll have to pick up a copy!
ReplyDeleteBeautiful picture of you guys! Let me just say that I have an awesome marriage and my hubby and I rarely fight and marriage has come "easy" to us. We had a few blips with IF, but we were mostly fine. But boy, when Katie was born we fought so much. I also made the mean comments and I was so upset if he did anything different. It was weird. We had to relearn how to be a couple again, but once we made it a priority and talked more it was so much better.
ReplyDeleteI think what's hard at first is you don't see each other or talk to each other that much. You're changing shifts and when you're both up you're taking care of Preston or talking about Preston or trying to figure something out about Preston and you don't get to talk to each other as much. Little things get annoying and you kinda hold it in or get little resentments, at least that's how it was for us. Just try to talk to each other when you can, it's a big thing to be new parents. You guys will be great though and you're both doing awesome with him. *hugs*
" I want to be the wife that my husband wants to be around 24/7"
ReplyDeleteI don't think you need to try to be anything 24 hours a day. Be careful. Your husband loves you (all of you, yes, even the moody you), and all this is the both of you, learning to love each other in a new way. A baby/child adds a newness to the relationship. Embrace the "crazy" that comes along with it, snarkiness and all.
Ooooh I love this book. You've inspired me to dig out my copy. What I like most is how it causes you to be self-reflective, and to maybe take some of the responsibility for fights even if you *know* you're in the right. I'm definitely guilty of dumping all the blame on the hubs when we fight!
ReplyDeleteGoing through infertility strengthens a marriage - no question. I feel so much more confident in our ability to handle tough times, even though it wasn't easy. And you're right, parenting brings on a whole new set of challenges. But again, it ultimately makes you stronger as a couple. Don't worry about bitchy moments... the joyous ones will outnumber them.
Love that pic of you two! Having a baby definitely does bring out a lot of other stuff that needs to be tackled together as a team :).
ReplyDeleteThis is al SO incredibly hard. Our current stage of life (little kids) makes it tough to truly enjoy our spouse and invest our woke self in our marriage. I bet the vast majority of your readers can totally identify. Good fit you for reading that book. I have it too and really like if.
ReplyDeleteOur marriage has been very easy and smooth sailing so I often wonder what bringing a baby into the picture would do to us? I have read a few blogs lately that seem similar to what you are saying. I keep taking note that it might not be easy but to keep praying about it and pay attention to areas of the marriage that could need work after having a baby. Thank you for being so honest and blogging about this :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post friend! I love your desire to make your marriage a priority, especially after kids!!! I love that book too! So good, and what a sweet prayer you shared with us. Warms my heart! I can imagine things only get more complex after babies, but so glad you are making the choice and effort to seek the Lord and pray for your husband! Thanks for your vulnerability and honesty in encouraging us all to do the same! Gorgeous pic, btw!!!
ReplyDeleteOh I so hear you on this. I think a lot of new moms could relate. It's so hard to be as sweet and nice as you would like to be when you are overtired and feel like you are being pulled in all directions. I totally agree that the marriage has to come first. It's what's best for the family.
ReplyDeletePs the rin foil story is funny. Why are babies such light sleepers??
I'm sorry you're struggling honey. But I love your perspective and the book you're reading to help you in this tough time. I feel like we're going to struggle in a very similar way a few months from now. I'm excited and scared. You're handling it beautifully!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great devotional, i definitely need to look for that. I definitely worry about how my marriage will change once Baby C gets here... and i know its going to take A LOT of work and a lot of compromise and a lot of patience and team work for both of us. I'm glad you're open and honest and give us some insight. And give yourself a break, you're on 3 hours of sleep, no one can be perfect all the time, and i'm sure your husband understands you're doing the best you can!
ReplyDeleteOh I so needed this post today! I'm going to have to check out that devotional. Having Goldilocks has turned me into a nagging wife towards my hubby. I am with her all day and I have rules but then when he comes home, his rules are different (really, really strict) and it frustrates me because his rules which I told him were stupid and silly (I do not recommend telling your hubby this) can not be done during the day. I mean seriously...why is there a rule that only two toys can be in the living room at one time? UGH! Anyway...I need to be a better wife :/
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Yep. I feel ya. Life with a baby (and now a baby and a testy 4.5 year old) is hard. Fun, amazing, joyful, worth every minute and penny, but HARD. I tend to say things and take things out on my BFF aka my hubs too. I hate that I do that. I'm working on it. I try everyday to at least remind him of how great he is. How much I love him. How lucky I am. Etc Etc. He gets it. We are thankful for these wonderful husbands of ours.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing an amazing job as a mother Emily. It's hard, and mother's tend to be too hard on themselves, it seems. Keep up the good work. :)
You are probably one of the strongest women I've "met" and while I have no doubts that the addition to a new and tiny human to the mix can shake things up a bit, one of these days things are going to start falling into place and be second nature...little by little, it will all get easier, for all of you! Hang in there!!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteLove this post. It's so important to make marriage a priority all too often husbands get lost under the attention of the children. My pastor spoke on this a few weeks ago. I know Preston will be proud of you two and admire your marriage. Godly marriage is just so illuminating, it helps you to see life differently and he will.
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