I'm in love...

with my new acu! Today's appointment with my new practitioner went above and beyond what I ever expected, and I am SO happy I made the switch.

Talk about an initial consult! My session ended up lasting 2 hrs. 45 minutes in total, and it included a treatment for the last 45 min I think? I lost track of time while on the table, because I was in such a relaxed state I fell asleep. Ahhhh, I love that feeling of leaving so relaxed that you don't even want to turn the radio on during the ride home, because your whole body and soul are just so at peace you don't want to interrupt the feeling.

I know I was whining about compiling my paperwork yesterday and all the feelings brought to the surface. My apologies for the off color day, but I am happily back on my positivity horse now. So glad I brought all the paperwork too. Clearly it didn't get stuffed into a file somewhere, and it was obvious that my new acu, Sarai (pronounced Sarah) had actually taken the time to read through it.

What impressed me most was that she actually knew about reproductive immunology and knew exactly what ANA, MTHFR, Anti-Cardiolipin Antibodies, and Protein S deficiency are. In fact, I mentioned nothing of any concerns over a possible "immunological issue," but she is the one who looked at my test results and says, "It seems you may have a bit of an immunological issue going on here." Well hallelujah! It was a breath of fresh air that she knew enough about endocrinology and immunology to make the connection and bring this point up in the first place. Remember, my RE still doesn't agree that I might have any immunological response significantly related to the blood clotting issues, so it's just nice to have someone else notice the same signs I'm seeing right off the bat and bring it up as a plausible factor in our infertility....or more specifically implantation failure.

Sarai let me know that my treatments will be aimed at addressing immunological concerns as well. It is important to point out though, that while she and I both agree there is something amiss with regards to a possible immunological cause in my case, neither of us is convinced that the ever changing and "experimental" protocols being used by many RI's  out there are necessarily fool proof either. There are plenty of women who open the big fat expensive can of worms that is reproductive immunology and continue to miscarry or have failed IVF's, just as there are also women who swear by it. It's just still somewhat "iffy" at the end of the day in many people's opinions, which is why it's so controversial.  I have no doubt that this field will be growing by leaps and bounds in the coming years, and I really look forward to all that will come to light with more double blind peer reviewed research.

Anyhoo, Praise Jesus for an acu who is educated on the topic and realizes it could be playing a role. We'll work a lot on balancing my kidney energy, since that is where the immune system is rooted, and I am severely kidney yang deficient anyways. I've known I'm yang deficient for some time, but again, it was nice to receive validation that at least I have been working in the right direction with my previous acu treatments. We will continue using that as part of the foundation of our treatments together, as well as working to improve blood deficiency, spleen and liver Qi...and whatever else pops up along the way that needs addressing.

The most surprising part of the session was how much time she spent talking about the emotional aspects of this journey, and how important it is to keep my heart and mind in the right place. We talked about how I am really working on staying in a place of peace and contentment and how I've recently felt like I was finally receiving that peace that was lost for so long. No, it's not perfect 24/7 (yesterday I wasn't feeling 100% content), but overall it's an improvement. I'm OK with where we're at, even if it's not exactly where we'd like to be.

In the coming days, I'm going to be working even more on redirecting fear and worry by rephrasing any negative comments I'm tempted to make. So, for example:

Instead of saying, "I am just worried my lining won't be thick enough for an embryo to implant."
I'll say, "It will be so awesome if my lining grows to the perfect thickness this cycle."


Instead of saying, "What if this cycle doesn't work? Then what?"
I'll say, "It will be such a blessing when we finally have success and can bring home a healthy happy baby."

Don't poo poo on it folks. I do wholeheartedly agree that small changes like that to our vocabulary can make a huge difference, not only in mood, but also in the type of energy you attract back into your life. So, for now I'm going to work on catching myself when I begin making statements driven by fear or worry and simply rephrase them into positive statements. It's a habit like anything else really.

What a great reminder!

I pretty much have everything else down as far as my acu's recommendations: anti-inflammatory diet and clean eating, daily exercise and restful sleep, high quality supplements, balancing energy with acu, and listening to my intuition. I am instructed, however, to replace my regular Prenatal DHA with a more potent fish oil of at least 2000 mg/day. This will help to reduce inflammation even further. Getting back to my daily quiet time is also a must. I need to work a little more on the emotional and spiritual aspects during this process, and that is what I intend to do.

Best part about the new acu? It is literally a 1 minute drive from my RE. That means that day of transfer it will be easy breezy to swing by for a pre-transfer session. So, now let me go ahead and practice some of my positivity statements...

I am hopeful that I will regain balance and that my body will be better able to focus energy where it's needed most. I will have a more robust lining, improved blood flow, and a more peaceful state of mind. I know that no matter the outcome of this natural cycle, I will be content. I'm confident I am doing all that I can to give us the best chance of conception possible. If we do need to do an FET following this cycle, I know my mind, body, and spirit will be in the very best place possible as we embark on our next steps. Ultimately, God is in control and our time will come.

Case of the Grumpy Cat Mondays

I knew my stupendous mood wouldn't last forever, but one month isn't too shabby I suppose.  I am ever more convinced that I have seasonal affective disorder but don't want to sound like some sorta hypochondriac. Perhaps it's just sheer coincidence that it's crappy with a 100% chance of sucktasticness outside today? Seriously, what up sunshine?!

I was perfectly fine this morning. Woke up all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Man, I've been sleeping soooooo good lately, and it's been such a rare treat! However, once I began filling out the stack of paperwork required for my new acupuncturist (who I see tomorrow for the first time) I quickly felt my heart sinking back down into the pit of despair I've been avoiding so freakishly well.

Oh Grumpy Cat...sometimes you are the only one who gets it!

Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited to be seeing a new acupuncturist in prep for our upcoming FET next month (and also while we try naturally this month on our "break"). I just wasn't prepared for the forced re-examination of failures; 20 pages in total, consisting of health history, medical history, women's fertility history, and electronic fertility charts. It's impossible to compile all of that and not be affected by the overwhelming vastness of it all, especially since I know it's a mere sliver of what my real medical fertility file looks like.

It's just crazy to think how much we've already put into this. 2 years ago exactly I sought help for the first time from my OB/GYN and was handed a script for Clomid. 1 year ago, I mourned the passing of what should have been the due date for our first baby 7/7/2012, which instead miscarried. I should actually be 8 months pregnant right now as well, and would have been due 8/12/2013 with pregnancy #2 if it hadn't been ectopic.

As if that's not depressing enough, it's been a whopping 4 years + 7 months since I stopped using birth control. No, we weren't trying with a well-timed concerted effort during that first 2.5 years before seeking help, but we weren't not trying either. At least we learned early on that "just relaxing" clearly didn't work for us. I've been through one OB, two RE's, a clinical nutritionist, and am about to see my 3rd acupuncturist tomorrow. Let's not forget the hematologist, the genetic counselor, the clinical geneticist, and the rheumatologist I've seen on the side. I have read every book, charted my cycles religiously, done fertility yoga, meditated for hours on end, and spent enough $$ on OPK's, supplements, acupuncture, herbs, and organic food to feed a small nation in Africa. And yes, I've also gone on vacation and done plenty of "relaxing" too.

I know there are families out there who have tried longer than we have. I never lose sight of others' struggles or ALL of the blessings we do have in our lives.  I am just so freaking ready for this journey to be over.  I really feel in my heart that God would not let us go through all that we have and not give us the desires of our hearts eventually. What happened to "God helps those who help themselves?" Who cares about the $22K we've already spent on medical expenses out-of-pocket in this first half of 2013 alone. What about our sanity?

Honestly, I want a happy ending more for my husband than I even do for myself anymore. He's about to begin his MBA next month, and it won't be easy. It would just be the biggest blessing in the entire world if we became pregnant this month or next and he could focus on school without having the joyous side project of our fertility treatments...and working full time on top of it all. His job offers zero fertility coverage and zero tuition reimbursement as well, so there's that. I am continually impressed by his ability to juggle everything and foot the bill for it all, and still find ways to treat us as a couple.

Since giving up my fitness career, I've admittedly felt pretty helpless and lost at times. I'm actually going to start substitute teaching once the new school year begins again. We aren't starving by any means, but even if it only pays for groceries anything extra helps. I haven't subbed since 2004-2005, before I became a full time teacher back in Orlando. The thought of going back to teaching middle school on a full time basis right now is about the last thing on earth I want to do, so I'll just start with subbing.

Modeling is a definite no go for me right now and so is personal training, since they aren't exactly going to optimize my fertility. Acting jobs are so few and far between, and it's impossible to block out dates weeks in advance while doing fertility treatments. I can't commit to dates that far out during treatment cycles, and I'm over the whole cattle call/rejection cycle of the industry anyways. Plus, with subbing I'll still be able to keep my Friday volunteer shift at LIVESTRONG, which is also important to me.

Until then, I'm focusing my energy on getting my mind and body ready for what we hope to be our miracle FET next month. During my fresh IVF cycle (with acupuncture) my lining was 9.8 mm, and during my FET lining (without acupuncture) was only 8.1 mm. No telling if it was due to the different meds protocols, but hopefully going back to acu will give me a much needed boost in that area.

We've decided that as long as my lining looks promising for the FET, we will be transferring 2 embryos this time around. Dr. Vaughn says it will raise our chances from 35% transferring one embryo to around 50% transferring two. At this point, I do not put much stock in statistics, but it does make sense the chances are a little higher, so hopefully we'll win the coin toss this time.

We are of course trying on our own this month while the IVF lab is closed. God willing, I will actually ovulate and do so in a normal time frame! CD13 is today. I'm already peeing on OPK's and waiting for the elusive smiley to make an appearance. I'm probably at least a week away from that knowing my body. Whatever is meant to be will be, but it sure would be nice if a miracle happened for us this time around and saved us from continuing to travel this bumpy road. Right now, I just want to see that happy face. Bring it Mr. Smiley!

Hopefully the new acu will be fantastico and help me break out of this temporary drop in mood. Writing this blog has already helped me feel a little better, so thanks for reading if you made it this far. I appreciate having you all as my sounding board. :)

Not Pregnant? Redecorate & Laugh a Little!

Sorry for the long absence peeps. My name is Emily, and I have an addiction to Houzz. Yes, I have literally spent hundreds of hours on there the past few weeks drooling over decorating ideas. If you haven't checked it out, just a warning; It is awesome, but it is addictive!

More on that later, but first let me get our FET cycle update out of the way... We are not pregnant. I knew in my heart a couple days before the blood test that it just didn't work. I don't care what any doctor says...the "boob-o-meter" is one of the most accurate tools ever to assess pregnancy or lack thereof.  I held out a tiny sliver of hope until the end anyway, hoping that maybe I was one of the few women who end up pregnant with zero pregnancy symptoms, but alas I was not.

Want to know something crazy though? I didn't even cry. Not once. In fact, I did not even let it ruin my mood. I've been in a great mood and have not cried in about 3 weeks, and yes I am proud of that new personal record.

When our first IVF cycle failed in April, I was admittedly a complete disaster. What was so different this time around? Why was I handling it so well? It totally baffled me.

-Maybe it's because I didn't test at home this time, driving myself crazy seeing negatives?
-Maybe since the FET requires less fertility meds, I was less emotional?
-Maybe it's because my husband was in town this time?
-Maybe I love my husband too much to make him see me cry so damn much?
-Maybe spending less time on infertility forums & visiting Dr. Google has been good for me?
-Maybe I'm totally exhausted from 2 years of this crap and am starting not to care anymore?
-Maybe I just don't have anymore energy to give to worry, defeat and sadness.
-Maybe I am finally receiving something I've prayed for... inner peace no matter the outcome.

I think it might be combination of all these things. I'd like to believe that it's not just sheer exhaustion or an "F-it!" attitude, and that I'm actually finding some real peace with our situation. I've been praying a lot about being content, no matter where I'm at in life.  Feeling contentment is new to me. I don't know exactly where it came from, or how long it will last, but for now I'm just staying grateful for the fact that I truly am content, even amidst infertility and continued defeat. All I know is that it feels pretty good to get bad news and not feel like it's the absolute end of the world.  I only hope that I can continue to feel this way and that the severe depression I've felt at other times during this journey doesn't ever return. A girl can dream right?

Speaking of dreaming, all the hours I logged into Houzz inspired me to transform our master bedroom into "serenity". Consider it a consolation prize to myself for not being pregnant. Hard labor is very therapeutic for me, and I just love seeing the finished product. Plus, our entire home is freaking beige, and I couldn't take it anymore!

Before: Beige, brown, and boring

After: Soft, romantic, and serene

A couple other views, because I am obsessed with before & afters...

Full disclosure: This room is larger in person than it appears on camera, and painting this monster totally kicked my ass.  Gotta give props to the hubs too for being open to the color (and hanging the curtain rods); You know you've married the right man when he allows you to paint the master bedroom purple! My back is cursing me loudly right now, but it was so worth it. I was going for a romantic, spa-like vibe and think I achieved it. Also re-did our upstairs bathroom in an effort to banish more beige...

Before: More beige and white. Yawn.

After: Pale blue mosaic pattern

I love printing pics we took on vacay and using the
frame matting to write the date & place.

I'm hoping that creating more peaceful spaces with also help me stay in a peaceful place more often. Laughter certainly won't hurt either.  A friend sent me this video and I just had to share it with you all. Oh My Gravy! If you need a good laugh, pleeeeease make sure you watch this...

Must watch! YouTube video by Krissy Chula

Seriously THE FUNNIEST commentary I have seen in a long time! Thank you Ms. Chula for making me smile :) We can all use a good laugh, and this one hit the spot for me!

Thank you also to everyone who has continued supporting and loving us in this journey. It means to world to receive comments from those routing for us. We still have 4 frozen embryos, and we aren't waving the white flag by any means. We will be on a forced break for July (due to a scheduled closing for our IVF lab's maintenance) but we'll be going forward with another FET in August. Until then, we'll just be doing what we do best...enjoying each other and finding things that make us smile to pass the time. 

Don't Fight It

I should probably make June "trust month" on my blog, because I keep feeling moved to write about it. It's been on my mind constantly; Trusting in God, trusting in my RE, trusting in what the future holds.

Things have been so up and down lately. I have days where I feel so out of control in the process of TTC; I'm grasping at straws to try to make sense of it all and think I can somehow change the outcome if I just try hard enough, follow all the rules, eat all the right things, take care of myself perfectly, and make sure all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed. We all know that ultimately we can't control the outcome, but damned if we won't try our best to anyways, right?

Then, other days I'm just totally unattached, like nothing I can do will make a difference anyways. It's either going to happen or it's not, and I'm not saying this in a negative way at all. Believe it or not, I do have days where I'm just totally at peace with what's happening, although admittedly they are fewer and further in between than either my husband or I would like.

I think my favorite pastor, Joel Osteen, was sent directly from God to speak to me personally sometimes. I haven't watched his sermons in a couple weeks and thought I'd watch one I had Tivo'ed from last week. Sure enough, it was like this sermon was sent directly from God for me to hear right when I needed to hear it most.

His message was "DON'T FIGHT IT." Anytime we're stuck in a place that's uncomfortable we try to fight it. When things take too long and our prayers aren't answered, we end up frustrated and fighting against what's happening. However, just because thing are uncomfortable, it doesn't mean it's not supposed to be happening. God uses difficult times to do works in us and to help us grow. Every time something uncomfortable happens, we should look at it like a piece of sandpaper. Sure, as it rubs against us it's uncomfortable, but it's being used to smooth away the rough edges in our character.

Joel reminded me that God knows more about our future than we ever could, even though we think we know what we need or want at the time. I'm sure most people have had at least one time in their life where they could actually look back and say, "I'm glad God didn't answer that prayer when I wanted him to at first, because now it's been answered in a bigger and better way than I could have ever thought of myself." The longer we're able to keep a good attitude in a difficult situation, the higher God will take us.

If you can use a reminder to be content where you're at and that God is in control, I encourage you to check out the video. Just click on the sermon from 6/9 #580 Don't Fight It. Watching his message is guaranteed to make you feel more "at rest" with the obstacles you're facing and have a renewed sense of peace. The more we can have a feeling of  rest, the more we're able to actually position ourselves for promotion into what we're seeking. When you're at rest, you're passing the test.

My main goal is to make those times of rest happen more often. I would LOVE to wake up every single day trusting that things will work out even better than we could ever imagine. How about going 24 hours without worrying things won't happen my way? I am constantly working on believing for the best, and even though it's tougher some days than others I do feel I'm making a very real and conscious attempt.

I think it's especially important to try to have a more restful presence for our spouse's sake too. I know my rough days are hard on my hubby, because he's expected to be "the rock." One of the hardest parts of infertility for men has got to be watching their wife go through all the ups and downs. It's hard on both partners to feel helpless over something completely out of our control, but it's doubly hard when we don't handle it with grace.

The more feelings of rest we can have with a situation, the more our spouses will feel that peace too. That is my ultimate goal...to be less of a control freak and just let go of things more, knowing that God hasn't forgotten about us and that he's at work 24/7 on our behalf. I mean, you'd think I'd know by now I can't control this thing called infertility! I've decided that I just need a Joel Osteen sermon everyday and everything will be just peachy! Ok, maybe I just need to buy a new Bible, so I'm motivated to read it.

In other GOOD NEWS:

Today is the 3rd day in a row I have done my Lovenox injection all by myself! Yes, I am pretty proud of this, especially after last week's failed attempt. It is getting easier to mentally wrap my brain around holding and stabbing myself with a needle, and better physically as well....less bruising and swelling at each injection site. So far so good and I'm feeling pretty empowered doing it on my own. I am so happy to know I'll be able to do this on my own throughout pregnancy without having to ask for help.

Update on our FET cycle:

Our transfer date has been moved earlier one day to this Thursday 6/20. We received a call from the nurse on Friday asking if we would mind moving everything up one day because they had a tight schedule the day we were supposed to do it. I was tempted to question it and bring up the fact that I'd like maximum time possible for my lining to develop beforehand. However, I did not. I just went with the flow and happily said, "Sure, we are completely flexible." I have confidence that they are looking at my file and see where my lining was at last appointment. If they feel comfortable doing my transfer a day earlier, then I do too. I'm not worrying about it or trying to control the process anymore. It's in their hands and in God's hands. So, about 72 hours from now we'll be transferring one beautiful blastocyst!

LESS Questions, MORE Trust

Letting go of control and learning to trust doctors is one of the hardest things to master along this infertility journey. Maybe it's because I got off on the wrong foot in this journey to begin with.

I started out in July 2011 with my OB/GYN, taking Clomid, only to be told "Your case is too complicated, so I'm referring you to a specialist." This is the same OB/GYN that I later had a 10 minute debate with on why doing a CD21 progesterone test would not show ovulation in my case, because sometimes I do not ovulate until CD21 or later. Clearly this would not be accurate, but she didn't get it.

I moved on to an RE, Dr. Burger, who seemed to be taking me in the right direction, only to keep finding mistakes and snafoos in her protocol. My final cycle with her was spent arguing whether or not I ovulated or should begin Prometrium supplementation during the luteal phase. Even though I'd had a huge BBT temperature spike and I was having post-ovulation symptoms, she refused to agree that I ovulated.  I insisted on a P4 test which proved I did ovulate. Only then did she write me the Rx for the Prometrium, and I was able to start the medication as she had outlined in her own protocol originally. This is only one instance among others, but it just always felt like pulling teeth. Totally exhausting working with her.

Fast forward to the RE I see currently see. My first cycle with him was like a dream come true. I did not have to remind him where I was at in my cycle. We clicked. He predicted exactly how I would respond, and I did. I became pregnant my second cycle with him using Femara and IUI...unfortunately it was an ectopic pregnancy and a long drawn out process to finally move on from it. It was then that IVF was recommended.

Then, despite not becoming pregnant, my first cycle of IVF went really well! Despite having low AMH/DOR, we got 17 eggs, 14 mature, 12 fertilized naturally, 2 were transferred and 5 blastocysts of 150-200 cells each were frozen. Again, I responded just as predicted and then some. Unfortunately our first attempt did not work, but at least we have frozen embryos to try again.

When I think about it, even though we've been seeing Dr. Vaughn now for 10 months, which seems like forever because of the never-ending ectopic pregnancy, long IVF process and break period in between, we've only actually done 3 rounds of treatment with him total.  In that time, he has given us every reason in the world to prove his expertise and he has actually never done anything to give me any real reason to doubt him, even if his protocols aren't the most aggressive in nature (in regards to reproductive immunology at least) and even if we haven't had ultimate success YET.

Lately, I find myself questioning more; Questioning him more, questioning the process, questioning whether or not this will work. Why? For one, the months and years are passing by and we've yet to achieve a successful pregnancy. Plus, there is so much information out there about what "other doctors are doing." This field is not cut and dry like cardiology for instance. There are many different schools of thought and protocols, and it's maddening comparing oneself to others and others' treatment processes. Hubby and I are both becoming drained emotionally from the whole roller coaster of it all. Time passing is a scary thing, and when coupled with my already impatient and inquisitive nature, it makes for an extremely restless situation.

I didn't even realize this until hubby pointed it out today, but even though it's already mid-June, we've actually only had one full cycle of treatment in 2013. Furthermore, when you think about it, considering I've only done 3 cycles total with my new RE, we have made good progress during those cycle. I've been pregnant once and have gotten a nice haul of good quality eggs and embryos in those few tries. When I think of it that way, it's much easier to contend with.

There is definitely a good time and place for questions, but I can also see that some of my endless questioning becomes detrimental sometimes. Today's appointment for my lining check was a perfect example. Condensed version of our apt..

Dr. V:  "Everything looks great for your transfer one week from today."

Me: "8.1 mm? Is that it?"

Dr. V:  "What did you expect it to be?" 

Me: "Above 9. Double digits would have been nice. "

Dr. V: "Well in our clinic anything above 7 is considered good for an FET."

Me: "I am just having a hard time grasping why some doctors want above 9, some say 8-9 is "iffy" but you are happy with a 7. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the range. "

(que me covering my head in my hand and trying to hold back tears unsuccessfully)

Me: "We just really need this to work!" wahhhhh


A 5 minute discussion ensued as to why my lining is fine, but we were given the choice to wait another week to see if it will thicken more. BUT there is a small risk of ovulation and thus a cancelled cycle if we did decide to wait. Just what neither of us wanted in today's appointment...more decisions. If I could just trust what the doctor is telling me I know I'd save my husband and I both a great deal of stress and anxiety, but I'm always questioning EVERY little thing. Then when I get frustrated with the prospect of yet another decision and scared of making the wrong one, it turns into more frustration and tears.

Yes, I am a mess. Could it be the 3 doses of estrogen I'm taking daily? Could it be previous experiences with other doctors that have scarred my ability to trust them fully? Could it be that I cannot endure another failure and I want to make sure all conditions are as perfect as possible so that we don't have to endure another negative result? Could it be that I just learned of another friend's pregnancy only moments before my appointment?

It could be all of those things, but I need to take a step back and realize that HE IS THE EXPERT in this relationship and I have got to be more trusting. If he says my lining is good, I have to trust that it is and just shut the fuck up!  The live birth rate at my clinic is actually equal to what it was for my fresh cycle and according to my nurse their FET rates were closer to 70% last month. Here is the most recent SART data for 2011...

Worth mentioning that they had 918 IVF cycles that year, so it's not their first rodeo. My doctor has helped people like Lance Armstrong conceive all 3 of his children via IVF at his clinic.  I mean, if my RE is good enough for Lance, he should be good enough for me right?

I've said all along that I will fully trust Dr. Vaughn until he, God forbid, strikes out 3 times with IVF/FET.  If at that point, I am still not pregnant we will have other considerations to make, but for now I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt and just follow doctor's orders like a good patient.

Yes, I am still happy I am taking the Lovenox on my own accord, because in my case I think it can only help. However, I also respect my RE's perspective that there just aren't enough peer reviewed double blind studies on the efficacy of Lovenox during IVF to start prescribing it to all of his patients.  It is more of an experimental approach in all honestly, rather than something with extremely solid proof. When it comes down to it, all of this is one big ole crapshoot really.

Still, I know I'm in good hands. I have to believe that God put Dr. Vaughn in our lives for a reason and that he'll be the one who helps us have our baby. For my husband's and my own mental sanity, I've got to let go of the control a little more and just go with the flow. I am of course, trusting in God first and foremost,  but I've also got to trust the person He's given the tools to help us here on the physical earth. So, from here on out LESS QUESTIONS and MORE TRUST.

Not So Lovely Lovenox: A Haiku

Lovenox injections are in full swing for our FET cycle. Don't be fooled by the name. There is nothing lovely about these injections. As I mentioned earlier, I'm taking liquid fire ants....I mean LOVENOX this time around to counteract the thrombophilia (blood clotting issues) that I was so lucky to inherit. Hormones increase blood clotting even further, and Lord knows I'm all hopped up on those. I'm taking estradiol 3 times per day now to help my endometrial lining grow nice and cushy and become a perfect place for an embryo to snuggle in.

While my RE is not convinced taking Lovenox will make or break the implantation process during an IVF cycle (he only recommended I take it once a pregnancy is confirmed), my instincts tell me that it could benefit me. Plenty of other RE's and RI's out there take a more aggressive approach than my doctor.

For patients like myself with APA (Anti-Phospholipid Antibody) Syndrome, there are basically two schools of thought; Some doctors believe Lovenox is only necessary once pregnancy is achieved to prevent miscarriage. Others believe that thrombophilias and APA's contribute to miscarriage, infertility, and IVF failure all through the same mechanism; In short, the blood is not flowing freely enough to nourish the areas which need it most during all stages from conception through time of delivery.

The theory for Rx'ing Lovenox during IVF cycles for women with multiple clotting factors is that increasing blood flow to the uterus is just as good for implantation as it is in preventing miscarriage. If I'm supposed to take this stuff IMMEDIATELY upon a positive pregnancy test to prevent miscarriage, why wouldn't I also take it to help an embryo implant? Seems like common sense to me, and it can't hurt, so I began the injections on CD6 this cycle. My RE is in fact aware of this and has given me clearance despite his own feelings of ambiguity.

The only thing that's unfortunate about taking these "lovely" Lovenox shots is that the medicine itself burns worse than any other shots I've done...including Menopur. There really are no words to describe my contempt right now. However, I have written you all a lovely haiku to convey my feelings towards this wonder drug...

Not So Lovely Lovenox

Ice cold skin turns red.
Alcohol readies bullseye.
Deep breath in and hold.

Stabbing, Holding, Breathe!
Wincing, Tremble, Plunging Slow...
HOLY SHIT IT BURNS!

Nothing prepares me.
Liquid fire ants in my pants!
Make it go away!

No pills for this crap?
NOT so lovely Lovenox.
Bring baby or else!

You get the gist. I set a goal last week to master giving these horrible shots to myself, because WHEN I do become pregnant, I'll need to take them every day for 9 months throughout pregnancy. 

So far, I have gotten half way there. Hubby stabs me and I plunge the liquid fire into my belly. Today I tried doing the whole shibang myself, but it was soooo pitiful. I stuck myself half-way a few times, just enough to draw blood in 3 separate places, before realizing my love handles are made of rubber and jabbing the needle all the way in is not nearly as easy as I thought. I don't know if it's from the icing, but my fat is all hard and rubbery and it's like it repels the needle from going in. Blech!!! Gives me the heebie geebies just replaying it in my mind! Hubby says, "Just don't look." hahaha! Yeah right.

After multiple self-administer attempts, I was seriously about to have an anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe, got extremely lightheaded and ultimately began to cry. I can only compare my fear of needles to the fear most people have of public speaking or jumping from high places. I have zero issue with either of those things.

Skydiving from 10,000 feet in the air in Kauai, HI...no problem!
Not even a slight bit scary.

Needles, on the other hand, are a totally different story. After about 10 minutes of me pacing and repeating, "Ok I'm going to do it now. 1-2-3....Ugh! I can't do it! I can't do it!!!" I finally gave up. I took a breather, re-iced a whole new area and started all over again with our old routine...hubby stabbing and me plunging. I seriously don't know if I'll ever be able to do these shots 100% on my own. I am getting anxiety just blogging about it.

All I know is that I really hope the Lovenox lives up to it's name. There are no guarantees, but I feel much better knowing I'm taking something this round to deal with the clotting issues vs. doing nothing at all. I keep reminding myself how grateful I am that an anti-coagulant medication even exists and that my insurance covered it. Plus, there are no food restrictions whatsoever, as there are with other blood thinners. I can deal with any amount of pain in this world if it brings us our take home baby. We've got this.

Is Age Really Just a Number?

It's a pretty important one where the ability to bear children is concerned. With today being my 35th birthday, it had had me thinking...more like dreading what it means. In case you didn't know, 35 marks the official milestone in the medical field known as AMA or Advanced Maternal Age. Fertility declines sharply, as do pregnancy rates, success rates for IVF and live birth rates. The only things that go up are risks (miscarriages, birth defects, gestational diabetes, cesarean rates, etc.) Someone hand me a kazoo! Happy birthday to me!

In reality, had I known ten years ago how fertility changes with age, I probably would have stopped taking birth control sooner. I was completely clueless! My mom, who was pregnant and married at age 16 and done by age 23 with 3 kids, put the fear of God into me my whole life that I better not have sex or get pregnant. I took a child development class in high school where they proceeded to scare the pants off of every teenage girl. If you couldn't even make it a week without your "egg baby" dying a horrific Humpty Dumpty death, then you obviously weren't ready to procreate. I thought I was being smart by continuing to take birth control until I was 30 and "settled down."

Talking about the risks of teenage pregnancy is a no brainer, but what about teaching young women about the reality of fertility decline past a certain age? I know I'm not the only one who was caught by surprise when my RE showed me that SCARY line graph that plummets along with quantity of viable eggs with each passing year. It actually baffles me that we simply don't teach young women in this country how fertility is increased AND decreased during certain years. Surely we can find a way to teach this without encouraging any increases in teenage pregnancy rates whatsoever. At least that is my opinion.

It seems that some experts in Britain are also aware of the need to educate their citizens. A new campaign called Get Britain Fertile is getting attention because of it's photo centerpiece....

Get Britain Fertile Campaign (doctored photo)

Their goal? To create a conversation surrounding the increasing number of women putting off motherhood. Check out this short clip from the Today Show talking about the campaign. Personally, I think it's great! I think whatever gets people to take notice that there IS an expiration date to begin with, is welcome. Maybe more women choosing to wait will realize that it may not end up being a walk in the park.

There have been other women speaking out on the topic of waiting (perhaps too long) to start their families. NBC's Rock Center ran a great piece on their show recently where they interviewed the former CFO of Lehman Brothers. Great clip if you have ten minutes to watch! In the episode, she talks very openly about her career and family planning choices. I thought her story was a breath of fresh air amidst all of the "Lean In" hoopla circulating in the media and corporate circles as of late.

It's kind of depressing to know we started TTC one month after I turned 33 and still nada. If my first pregnancy would have stuck, we'd have a one year old running around right now, but I digress. Leave it to my hubby to find the perfect way to cheer me up. Friday afternoon I came home to this...

My beautiful flowers- Yellow & white roses with hot pink mums!

Inside the bag was a BEAUTIFUL diamond cross and inside the card read an equally inspiring bible verse handwritten by the hubs...

For I know the plan I have for you,  declares the Lord,
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
Plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,
And I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
-Jeremiah 29: 11-13


And yes, I bawled my eyes out. He's such a sweetheart, and I am a lucky woman. Screw AMA! Nothing more I can be doing that I'm not already really. I decided to make the most of my birthday weekend! Saturday night we went out with a group of friends to dinner...

Wearing my lovely new cross and enjoying
some key lime margarita cheesecake.

And then bowling...

Fab 5 Ladies of Bowling

Such a blast! We had our own lane and the guys had theirs. I can safely say we had more fun that anyone in that bowling alley. haha! Today hubby and I finished out my birthday weekend with some relaxation and got 80 minute massages. Long live Travelzoo coupons!

In even better news, after a 44 day long cycle spanning April and May, Aunt Flo finally arrived on Friday! We went in for my baseline ultrasound; No cysts, lining is ready, and all systems are go to begin our FET cycle!!! I added a new tab at the top of my blog titled "FET Calendar" where you can find my schedule of meds, expected transfer and test dates. I will update with more as it unfolds.

In the meantime, I'd love to know what you think...
-Do you wish you had known how much infertility changes with age or your diagnosis?
 
-Do you think the gov. should include some form of education on this in schools or publicly?

-What do you think about the Get Britain Fertile campaign or other women speaking out in the media?