Don't Fight It

I should probably make June "trust month" on my blog, because I keep feeling moved to write about it. It's been on my mind constantly; Trusting in God, trusting in my RE, trusting in what the future holds.

Things have been so up and down lately. I have days where I feel so out of control in the process of TTC; I'm grasping at straws to try to make sense of it all and think I can somehow change the outcome if I just try hard enough, follow all the rules, eat all the right things, take care of myself perfectly, and make sure all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed. We all know that ultimately we can't control the outcome, but damned if we won't try our best to anyways, right?

Then, other days I'm just totally unattached, like nothing I can do will make a difference anyways. It's either going to happen or it's not, and I'm not saying this in a negative way at all. Believe it or not, I do have days where I'm just totally at peace with what's happening, although admittedly they are fewer and further in between than either my husband or I would like.

I think my favorite pastor, Joel Osteen, was sent directly from God to speak to me personally sometimes. I haven't watched his sermons in a couple weeks and thought I'd watch one I had Tivo'ed from last week. Sure enough, it was like this sermon was sent directly from God for me to hear right when I needed to hear it most.

His message was "DON'T FIGHT IT." Anytime we're stuck in a place that's uncomfortable we try to fight it. When things take too long and our prayers aren't answered, we end up frustrated and fighting against what's happening. However, just because thing are uncomfortable, it doesn't mean it's not supposed to be happening. God uses difficult times to do works in us and to help us grow. Every time something uncomfortable happens, we should look at it like a piece of sandpaper. Sure, as it rubs against us it's uncomfortable, but it's being used to smooth away the rough edges in our character.

Joel reminded me that God knows more about our future than we ever could, even though we think we know what we need or want at the time. I'm sure most people have had at least one time in their life where they could actually look back and say, "I'm glad God didn't answer that prayer when I wanted him to at first, because now it's been answered in a bigger and better way than I could have ever thought of myself." The longer we're able to keep a good attitude in a difficult situation, the higher God will take us.

If you can use a reminder to be content where you're at and that God is in control, I encourage you to check out the video. Just click on the sermon from 6/9 #580 Don't Fight It. Watching his message is guaranteed to make you feel more "at rest" with the obstacles you're facing and have a renewed sense of peace. The more we can have a feeling of  rest, the more we're able to actually position ourselves for promotion into what we're seeking. When you're at rest, you're passing the test.

My main goal is to make those times of rest happen more often. I would LOVE to wake up every single day trusting that things will work out even better than we could ever imagine. How about going 24 hours without worrying things won't happen my way? I am constantly working on believing for the best, and even though it's tougher some days than others I do feel I'm making a very real and conscious attempt.

I think it's especially important to try to have a more restful presence for our spouse's sake too. I know my rough days are hard on my hubby, because he's expected to be "the rock." One of the hardest parts of infertility for men has got to be watching their wife go through all the ups and downs. It's hard on both partners to feel helpless over something completely out of our control, but it's doubly hard when we don't handle it with grace.

The more feelings of rest we can have with a situation, the more our spouses will feel that peace too. That is my ultimate goal...to be less of a control freak and just let go of things more, knowing that God hasn't forgotten about us and that he's at work 24/7 on our behalf. I mean, you'd think I'd know by now I can't control this thing called infertility! I've decided that I just need a Joel Osteen sermon everyday and everything will be just peachy! Ok, maybe I just need to buy a new Bible, so I'm motivated to read it.

In other GOOD NEWS:

Today is the 3rd day in a row I have done my Lovenox injection all by myself! Yes, I am pretty proud of this, especially after last week's failed attempt. It is getting easier to mentally wrap my brain around holding and stabbing myself with a needle, and better physically as well....less bruising and swelling at each injection site. So far so good and I'm feeling pretty empowered doing it on my own. I am so happy to know I'll be able to do this on my own throughout pregnancy without having to ask for help.

Update on our FET cycle:

Our transfer date has been moved earlier one day to this Thursday 6/20. We received a call from the nurse on Friday asking if we would mind moving everything up one day because they had a tight schedule the day we were supposed to do it. I was tempted to question it and bring up the fact that I'd like maximum time possible for my lining to develop beforehand. However, I did not. I just went with the flow and happily said, "Sure, we are completely flexible." I have confidence that they are looking at my file and see where my lining was at last appointment. If they feel comfortable doing my transfer a day earlier, then I do too. I'm not worrying about it or trying to control the process anymore. It's in their hands and in God's hands. So, about 72 hours from now we'll be transferring one beautiful blastocyst!

LESS Questions, MORE Trust

Letting go of control and learning to trust doctors is one of the hardest things to master along this infertility journey. Maybe it's because I got off on the wrong foot in this journey to begin with.

I started out in July 2011 with my OB/GYN, taking Clomid, only to be told "Your case is too complicated, so I'm referring you to a specialist." This is the same OB/GYN that I later had a 10 minute debate with on why doing a CD21 progesterone test would not show ovulation in my case, because sometimes I do not ovulate until CD21 or later. Clearly this would not be accurate, but she didn't get it.

I moved on to an RE, Dr. Burger, who seemed to be taking me in the right direction, only to keep finding mistakes and snafoos in her protocol. My final cycle with her was spent arguing whether or not I ovulated or should begin Prometrium supplementation during the luteal phase. Even though I'd had a huge BBT temperature spike and I was having post-ovulation symptoms, she refused to agree that I ovulated.  I insisted on a P4 test which proved I did ovulate. Only then did she write me the Rx for the Prometrium, and I was able to start the medication as she had outlined in her own protocol originally. This is only one instance among others, but it just always felt like pulling teeth. Totally exhausting working with her.

Fast forward to the RE I see currently see. My first cycle with him was like a dream come true. I did not have to remind him where I was at in my cycle. We clicked. He predicted exactly how I would respond, and I did. I became pregnant my second cycle with him using Femara and IUI...unfortunately it was an ectopic pregnancy and a long drawn out process to finally move on from it. It was then that IVF was recommended.

Then, despite not becoming pregnant, my first cycle of IVF went really well! Despite having low AMH/DOR, we got 17 eggs, 14 mature, 12 fertilized naturally, 2 were transferred and 5 blastocysts of 150-200 cells each were frozen. Again, I responded just as predicted and then some. Unfortunately our first attempt did not work, but at least we have frozen embryos to try again.

When I think about it, even though we've been seeing Dr. Vaughn now for 10 months, which seems like forever because of the never-ending ectopic pregnancy, long IVF process and break period in between, we've only actually done 3 rounds of treatment with him total.  In that time, he has given us every reason in the world to prove his expertise and he has actually never done anything to give me any real reason to doubt him, even if his protocols aren't the most aggressive in nature (in regards to reproductive immunology at least) and even if we haven't had ultimate success YET.

Lately, I find myself questioning more; Questioning him more, questioning the process, questioning whether or not this will work. Why? For one, the months and years are passing by and we've yet to achieve a successful pregnancy. Plus, there is so much information out there about what "other doctors are doing." This field is not cut and dry like cardiology for instance. There are many different schools of thought and protocols, and it's maddening comparing oneself to others and others' treatment processes. Hubby and I are both becoming drained emotionally from the whole roller coaster of it all. Time passing is a scary thing, and when coupled with my already impatient and inquisitive nature, it makes for an extremely restless situation.

I didn't even realize this until hubby pointed it out today, but even though it's already mid-June, we've actually only had one full cycle of treatment in 2013. Furthermore, when you think about it, considering I've only done 3 cycles total with my new RE, we have made good progress during those cycle. I've been pregnant once and have gotten a nice haul of good quality eggs and embryos in those few tries. When I think of it that way, it's much easier to contend with.

There is definitely a good time and place for questions, but I can also see that some of my endless questioning becomes detrimental sometimes. Today's appointment for my lining check was a perfect example. Condensed version of our apt..

Dr. V:  "Everything looks great for your transfer one week from today."

Me: "8.1 mm? Is that it?"

Dr. V:  "What did you expect it to be?" 

Me: "Above 9. Double digits would have been nice. "

Dr. V: "Well in our clinic anything above 7 is considered good for an FET."

Me: "I am just having a hard time grasping why some doctors want above 9, some say 8-9 is "iffy" but you are happy with a 7. I feel like I'm at the bottom of the range. "

(que me covering my head in my hand and trying to hold back tears unsuccessfully)

Me: "We just really need this to work!" wahhhhh


A 5 minute discussion ensued as to why my lining is fine, but we were given the choice to wait another week to see if it will thicken more. BUT there is a small risk of ovulation and thus a cancelled cycle if we did decide to wait. Just what neither of us wanted in today's appointment...more decisions. If I could just trust what the doctor is telling me I know I'd save my husband and I both a great deal of stress and anxiety, but I'm always questioning EVERY little thing. Then when I get frustrated with the prospect of yet another decision and scared of making the wrong one, it turns into more frustration and tears.

Yes, I am a mess. Could it be the 3 doses of estrogen I'm taking daily? Could it be previous experiences with other doctors that have scarred my ability to trust them fully? Could it be that I cannot endure another failure and I want to make sure all conditions are as perfect as possible so that we don't have to endure another negative result? Could it be that I just learned of another friend's pregnancy only moments before my appointment?

It could be all of those things, but I need to take a step back and realize that HE IS THE EXPERT in this relationship and I have got to be more trusting. If he says my lining is good, I have to trust that it is and just shut the fuck up!  The live birth rate at my clinic is actually equal to what it was for my fresh cycle and according to my nurse their FET rates were closer to 70% last month. Here is the most recent SART data for 2011...

Worth mentioning that they had 918 IVF cycles that year, so it's not their first rodeo. My doctor has helped people like Lance Armstrong conceive all 3 of his children via IVF at his clinic.  I mean, if my RE is good enough for Lance, he should be good enough for me right?

I've said all along that I will fully trust Dr. Vaughn until he, God forbid, strikes out 3 times with IVF/FET.  If at that point, I am still not pregnant we will have other considerations to make, but for now I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt and just follow doctor's orders like a good patient.

Yes, I am still happy I am taking the Lovenox on my own accord, because in my case I think it can only help. However, I also respect my RE's perspective that there just aren't enough peer reviewed double blind studies on the efficacy of Lovenox during IVF to start prescribing it to all of his patients.  It is more of an experimental approach in all honestly, rather than something with extremely solid proof. When it comes down to it, all of this is one big ole crapshoot really.

Still, I know I'm in good hands. I have to believe that God put Dr. Vaughn in our lives for a reason and that he'll be the one who helps us have our baby. For my husband's and my own mental sanity, I've got to let go of the control a little more and just go with the flow. I am of course, trusting in God first and foremost,  but I've also got to trust the person He's given the tools to help us here on the physical earth. So, from here on out LESS QUESTIONS and MORE TRUST.

Not So Lovely Lovenox: A Haiku

Lovenox injections are in full swing for our FET cycle. Don't be fooled by the name. There is nothing lovely about these injections. As I mentioned earlier, I'm taking liquid fire ants....I mean LOVENOX this time around to counteract the thrombophilia (blood clotting issues) that I was so lucky to inherit. Hormones increase blood clotting even further, and Lord knows I'm all hopped up on those. I'm taking estradiol 3 times per day now to help my endometrial lining grow nice and cushy and become a perfect place for an embryo to snuggle in.

While my RE is not convinced taking Lovenox will make or break the implantation process during an IVF cycle (he only recommended I take it once a pregnancy is confirmed), my instincts tell me that it could benefit me. Plenty of other RE's and RI's out there take a more aggressive approach than my doctor.

For patients like myself with APA (Anti-Phospholipid Antibody) Syndrome, there are basically two schools of thought; Some doctors believe Lovenox is only necessary once pregnancy is achieved to prevent miscarriage. Others believe that thrombophilias and APA's contribute to miscarriage, infertility, and IVF failure all through the same mechanism; In short, the blood is not flowing freely enough to nourish the areas which need it most during all stages from conception through time of delivery.

The theory for Rx'ing Lovenox during IVF cycles for women with multiple clotting factors is that increasing blood flow to the uterus is just as good for implantation as it is in preventing miscarriage. If I'm supposed to take this stuff IMMEDIATELY upon a positive pregnancy test to prevent miscarriage, why wouldn't I also take it to help an embryo implant? Seems like common sense to me, and it can't hurt, so I began the injections on CD6 this cycle. My RE is in fact aware of this and has given me clearance despite his own feelings of ambiguity.

The only thing that's unfortunate about taking these "lovely" Lovenox shots is that the medicine itself burns worse than any other shots I've done...including Menopur. There really are no words to describe my contempt right now. However, I have written you all a lovely haiku to convey my feelings towards this wonder drug...

Not So Lovely Lovenox

Ice cold skin turns red.
Alcohol readies bullseye.
Deep breath in and hold.

Stabbing, Holding, Breathe!
Wincing, Tremble, Plunging Slow...
HOLY SHIT IT BURNS!

Nothing prepares me.
Liquid fire ants in my pants!
Make it go away!

No pills for this crap?
NOT so lovely Lovenox.
Bring baby or else!

You get the gist. I set a goal last week to master giving these horrible shots to myself, because WHEN I do become pregnant, I'll need to take them every day for 9 months throughout pregnancy. 

So far, I have gotten half way there. Hubby stabs me and I plunge the liquid fire into my belly. Today I tried doing the whole shibang myself, but it was soooo pitiful. I stuck myself half-way a few times, just enough to draw blood in 3 separate places, before realizing my love handles are made of rubber and jabbing the needle all the way in is not nearly as easy as I thought. I don't know if it's from the icing, but my fat is all hard and rubbery and it's like it repels the needle from going in. Blech!!! Gives me the heebie geebies just replaying it in my mind! Hubby says, "Just don't look." hahaha! Yeah right.

After multiple self-administer attempts, I was seriously about to have an anxiety attack. I couldn't breathe, got extremely lightheaded and ultimately began to cry. I can only compare my fear of needles to the fear most people have of public speaking or jumping from high places. I have zero issue with either of those things.

Skydiving from 10,000 feet in the air in Kauai, HI...no problem!
Not even a slight bit scary.

Needles, on the other hand, are a totally different story. After about 10 minutes of me pacing and repeating, "Ok I'm going to do it now. 1-2-3....Ugh! I can't do it! I can't do it!!!" I finally gave up. I took a breather, re-iced a whole new area and started all over again with our old routine...hubby stabbing and me plunging. I seriously don't know if I'll ever be able to do these shots 100% on my own. I am getting anxiety just blogging about it.

All I know is that I really hope the Lovenox lives up to it's name. There are no guarantees, but I feel much better knowing I'm taking something this round to deal with the clotting issues vs. doing nothing at all. I keep reminding myself how grateful I am that an anti-coagulant medication even exists and that my insurance covered it. Plus, there are no food restrictions whatsoever, as there are with other blood thinners. I can deal with any amount of pain in this world if it brings us our take home baby. We've got this.

Is Age Really Just a Number?

It's a pretty important one where the ability to bear children is concerned. With today being my 35th birthday, it had had me thinking...more like dreading what it means. In case you didn't know, 35 marks the official milestone in the medical field known as AMA or Advanced Maternal Age. Fertility declines sharply, as do pregnancy rates, success rates for IVF and live birth rates. The only things that go up are risks (miscarriages, birth defects, gestational diabetes, cesarean rates, etc.) Someone hand me a kazoo! Happy birthday to me!

In reality, had I known ten years ago how fertility changes with age, I probably would have stopped taking birth control sooner. I was completely clueless! My mom, who was pregnant and married at age 16 and done by age 23 with 3 kids, put the fear of God into me my whole life that I better not have sex or get pregnant. I took a child development class in high school where they proceeded to scare the pants off of every teenage girl. If you couldn't even make it a week without your "egg baby" dying a horrific Humpty Dumpty death, then you obviously weren't ready to procreate. I thought I was being smart by continuing to take birth control until I was 30 and "settled down."

Talking about the risks of teenage pregnancy is a no brainer, but what about teaching young women about the reality of fertility decline past a certain age? I know I'm not the only one who was caught by surprise when my RE showed me that SCARY line graph that plummets along with quantity of viable eggs with each passing year. It actually baffles me that we simply don't teach young women in this country how fertility is increased AND decreased during certain years. Surely we can find a way to teach this without encouraging any increases in teenage pregnancy rates whatsoever. At least that is my opinion.

It seems that some experts in Britain are also aware of the need to educate their citizens. A new campaign called Get Britain Fertile is getting attention because of it's photo centerpiece....

Get Britain Fertile Campaign (doctored photo)

Their goal? To create a conversation surrounding the increasing number of women putting off motherhood. Check out this short clip from the Today Show talking about the campaign. Personally, I think it's great! I think whatever gets people to take notice that there IS an expiration date to begin with, is welcome. Maybe more women choosing to wait will realize that it may not end up being a walk in the park.

There have been other women speaking out on the topic of waiting (perhaps too long) to start their families. NBC's Rock Center ran a great piece on their show recently where they interviewed the former CFO of Lehman Brothers. Great clip if you have ten minutes to watch! In the episode, she talks very openly about her career and family planning choices. I thought her story was a breath of fresh air amidst all of the "Lean In" hoopla circulating in the media and corporate circles as of late.

It's kind of depressing to know we started TTC one month after I turned 33 and still nada. If my first pregnancy would have stuck, we'd have a one year old running around right now, but I digress. Leave it to my hubby to find the perfect way to cheer me up. Friday afternoon I came home to this...

My beautiful flowers- Yellow & white roses with hot pink mums!

Inside the bag was a BEAUTIFUL diamond cross and inside the card read an equally inspiring bible verse handwritten by the hubs...

For I know the plan I have for you,  declares the Lord,
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
Plans to give you hope and a future.
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me,
And I will listen to you.
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
-Jeremiah 29: 11-13


And yes, I bawled my eyes out. He's such a sweetheart, and I am a lucky woman. Screw AMA! Nothing more I can be doing that I'm not already really. I decided to make the most of my birthday weekend! Saturday night we went out with a group of friends to dinner...

Wearing my lovely new cross and enjoying
some key lime margarita cheesecake.

And then bowling...

Fab 5 Ladies of Bowling

Such a blast! We had our own lane and the guys had theirs. I can safely say we had more fun that anyone in that bowling alley. haha! Today hubby and I finished out my birthday weekend with some relaxation and got 80 minute massages. Long live Travelzoo coupons!

In even better news, after a 44 day long cycle spanning April and May, Aunt Flo finally arrived on Friday! We went in for my baseline ultrasound; No cysts, lining is ready, and all systems are go to begin our FET cycle!!! I added a new tab at the top of my blog titled "FET Calendar" where you can find my schedule of meds, expected transfer and test dates. I will update with more as it unfolds.

In the meantime, I'd love to know what you think...
-Do you wish you had known how much infertility changes with age or your diagnosis?
 
-Do you think the gov. should include some form of education on this in schools or publicly?

-What do you think about the Get Britain Fertile campaign or other women speaking out in the media?

Proof of Heaven

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is there evil in this world? Is there really even a God??

I've never been shy about struggles in my life. It hasn't been a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination. But then again, who's life is? My father was an absent alcoholic for most of my life. He was an addict with an uncontrollable temper when he drank. My first significant memories around age 3 & 4 were of my dad beating my mom during heated late night arguments. She used to climb into bed with my sister and I afterwards, because she knew he wouldn't come after her there.

When there was an argument downstairs which escalated into violence, my sister and I would watch him beat her from the top of the staircase through the rungs on the banister, frightened for my mom's life. I will never forget the time he was in a complete rage, ripped the downstairs toilet right out of the floor and hurled it across the living room at her. I remember my mom calling the police, who proceeded to arrest him. I cried the whole time pleading with them "Don't take my daddy!" As much as he hurt my mom, I didn't want my dad to be taken away.

Needless to say, the upstairs bathroom was off limits, because he grew pot in there, and now no toilet downstairs either. Fun stuff. I was witness to more drug deals (pot & cocaine), smoke sessions, beer runs and nights at the bar by the age of 4 than some people experience in their college years. Eventually, my mom had enough and divorced my dad. I would not see my father again until age 9, and didn't even know where he lived. He later told me he became homeless during this time.

At age 6, my mom remarried; She was a bartender (going to college at the time) and married one of her customers. He was a much better provider, a Chief Master Sargeant Air Force, and basically whisked us away to live in Florida where things were less chaotic. However, he was also an alcoholic. As the first couple years went by, the honeymoon period dwindled and the arguments became more regular. Once again, the black cloud of fear was back and seemed never to leave. I will never forget the time my step-dad threw a chair right through our giant kitchen window and shattered it into a million pieces. Rules were a plenty and I was constantly walking on eggshells, scared of making one false move in that house, or asking for anything that required $$. I didn't want to be the cause of a fight about credit cards.

By age 13, I was so miserable at home, that my sister and I tried living with my real father back in St. Louis. At the time, he and his new wife had one toddler and announced a couple months after we had moved in that they were expecting #2. I should add that it was already 5 of us living in a converted apartment with 1 bathroom, built on top of an old barn. Yes, a barn! My sister and I shared a "bedroom", which was basically drywall with tape and mud (no paint) and no ceiling. Let's just say I never felt completely welcome and it lasted less than 1 year before I moved back to FL with my mom and step-dad.

During HS, my real father was diagnosed with MDS (myelodisplastic syndrome) and cancer. He underwent treatment for 7 years and passed away in 2001, 1 semester before I graduated college. By then my mom had been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and was battling cancer as well. She also fought it for seven years before losing her battle. Unbelievably, my step-father was also diagnosed with colon cancer during the last year of my mom's life and never recovered fully from surgery to remove it (his liver and bodily systems were totally diseased from so much alcohol and poor lifestyle habits). My step-father passed first and then my mom 6 months later in 2005.

Of course I did have plenty of happy memories. There were A LOT of things my mom did for us as kids that proved what a spirited, creative, caring, and loving mom she truly was. I think she just had a knack for picking bad mates and might have had an undiagnosed mental issue, but besides that she was a great mom. She didn't have the easiest start to life either, but more on that later.

If you are still reading GOD BLESS YOU! I wasn't intending to pour out the condensed biography of Emily, but I warned you early on my blog is my free form of therapy!  Things got much better once the grief of losing my mom subsided slightly. I married the most amazing man in the world, and we started a new life together. It really has been the best time of my life since then, up until the point I was diagnosed with infertility about 2 years ago and this whole ridiculous TTC journey started.

One of the reasons I so desperately want to start a family is that I don't have much family left. The other is that I want a chance to raise my own children the way they are supposed to be raised, in a safe, loving, open and fun environment. I want to feel the joy of a having my own children and give them the love they deserve in a family they are proud to be part of. Of course, there is also that innate desire to have children that billions of people over the past countless number of centuries have been born with... I guess I was just born with the desire to have children like everyone else.

Why then must it be so damn hard? Through each pregnancy loss, I have begged the question of God "WHY???" Through every invasive appointment, every painful shot, and every hard earned dollar spent, I've asked "WHY???" And when I don't seem to get an answer my questions turn into, "Is there really a God at all? Do I even believe in God (as described in the Bible) anymore?" Some days I seriously doubt my faith.

I mean, I have come to terms with the fact that I had a shitty family life growing up, but will it ever truly be "happily ever after?" Ok, forget happily ever after. I don't even believe in that, but how about just NORMAL?  I would give anything for normal, average, or anything not involving medical treatments. It just feels like STRUGGLE has been such a common theme for way too long. When you feel like you are doing everything right, yet you're being punished or tested for no reason day in and day out...when you can't seem to be blessed with the one thing in life you want and everyone else has, WHY???

As you know, I've been doing my best not to be soooo focused on fertility things recently. I haven't been on infertility forums for days and I'm trying to make it more than 24 hours without discussing treatment with my husband. Yes, that is actually progress. Yesterday, I was in search of a book to distract me and to give me some hope that I AM still in God's hands and that He hasn't totally forsaken me...or at minimum that He really exists. Sorry, but I was just needing something other than reading a bunch of Bible verses.

I came upon Proof of Heaven and am so glad I did...

It moved me in a way I needed to be moved...just a tiny bit closer to God. It's not a religious book, but more of an account; A true story of one man's near death experience and journey into the afterlife. He was in a coma for a full 7 days with a rare form of bacterial meningitis. Ironically, he is a neurosurgeon himself, and prior to experiencing this, was the biggest skeptic on near death experiences out there, not to mention a skeptic of God's existence and spirituality altogether.

Dr. Alexander gives one of the most unique perspectives I have ever read, outlining the most descriptive account of what Heaven really looks and feels like from someone who's actually been there, along with plenty of evidence for why this couldn't just be his brain playing tricks on him while he was "asleep." He should not have survived the coma at all, and telling this story became his life's mission after his recovery.

He speaks of the opportunity to actually ask God himself why there is evil in the world. God's response?

That Evil is necessary because without it free will is impossible, and without free will there could be no growth-no forward movement, no chance for us to become what God longs for us to be. Horrible and all powerful as evil sometimes seems to be in a world like ours, in the larger picture love is overwhelmingly dominant, and it would ultimately be triumphant.

I know a few people might be rolling their eyes out there. For me though, there were just a lot of messages like this I needed to hear. Some messages I've heard before, but hearing them in a different way was helpful...as a reminder if nothing else that God is real and that struggle happens for a reason. That life does exist after our life here on Earth. That our loved ones are watching from above and helping to protect us. That everything we are going through here on Earth is for a reason, even if we don't understand it at the time. It's part of the growing process. It makes us who we are and what we're meant to become.

Diamond Digging for Dumbasses

Nothing like dropping a diamond earring down your bathroom sink to start your Friday morning off right! Yep, that is what happens when you clean jewelry over the bathroom sink (without the sink plugged like a dumb ass) two minutes before you need to be out the door.  I even caught it for a quick second...had that sucker pinned between my finger and the side of the drain scooting it up slowly and out of harm's way. Nope, no cigar. It slid right through my fingers into the abyss of the gooiest sink in the whole house, full of make-up, hair and God knows what.

All I could do was laugh. I mean really? Immediately, the thought pops into my mind, "That earring was equal to one FET!" Yes, this is how I now place value on all items. Need a new car? That's about one IVF. Weekend in Vegas? That's one IUI. Need a new mattress? Why have that when you could have one full year of embryo cryopreservation!?

Someone please tell me I'm not the only one who actually thinks about finances in terms of fertility treatments. What you say? I am? Oh well, at least I admit I'm left brain bat shit crazy. BTW, you'll be happy to know that we were able to disassemble the plumbing ourselves and retrieve the sacred earring from the pea trap underneath the sink ourselves. I was not about to hire a plumber. That is one transvaginal ultrasound!

It's been a full week since my last Provera pill (now Cycle Day 37) and STILL NO SIGN of a new cycle starting. Yes, cycle day THIRTY SEVEN and nada. It usually only takes a few days after stopping Provera for a brand new cycle to start, but it can take up to two weeks apparently? I learned something new on that one. Hooray. Lucky me, I seem to be the exception to the rule yet again.

I have tried everything in my power to get a new cycle to start. I've huffed eucalyptus essential oils until I'm blue in the face, have used warm castor oil packs on my abdomen, drank tea with dandelion root and ginger, the works. I haven't left the house wearing white pants without any tampons in my purse yet however. I almost tried that today, but chickened out.

Diamond digging and cycle voodoo aside, I think it's clear from recent posts that I can use a mental break. It's Memorial Day weekend, and I'm going to do my best to NOT focus on anything fertility related. I will still support my fellow blogger friends in my downtime, but no infertility chat rooms. No emotional breakdowns and unexpected tears (hopefully). No planning, wondering, or worrying what the heck is going on with my body right now. I give up. I can't control what it wants to do at this moment. 

I need a few days to just be me, to just be us, like it was recently on our weekend getaway in Cancun, except right here at home in the heart of Texas. As long as my body is going to take it's good ole time getting started with a new cycle, I'm going to take my good ole time with a drink in hand lounging by the pool. If anyone needs me, that's where I'll be. Hope you all have a great Memorial Day weekend free from worries and full of love!

Wonderful World of Hormones

Oh, the wonderful world of hormones. Most of the past week and weekend I was happier than a slinky on an escalator. I was feeling pretty damn good! Then, on Sunday out of nowhere, it was like a Hollywood director shouted, "Cue the waterworks!" My poor husband. Seriously though, when you are taking so many hormones on and off like this, there are just times when even the most controlled of individuals lose their faculties and need to have an emotional breakdown in public.

Not to detract from our good time though, we really did have a great weekend for the most part. There was a "Tour of Homes" taking place in Austin, where you can visit open houses from various home builders in the area. Since I am admittedly interior design challenged, and we obtained wristbands for free, this was the perfect opportunity to snoop around for ideas.  We spent Friday evening and Saturday perusing the most expensive homes we could find on the list to get inspired and make ourselves green with envy. Here is one of my favorites along the way...

@ Lake Travis, TX

I don't know about you, but I could totally see myself living here! I swear I wouldn't mind cleaning it! Surprisingly enough, touring the homes actually just made us even more thankful for our own home...that is how much we truly love our home. Plus, I think some of the interior designers for the more expensive $1-2M homes were smokin' crack. Apparently they did not get the memo that leopard print should be used in moderation and "institution green" should be reserved for insane asylums in horror movies. Even I know that! It definitely kept our tour entertaining though. haha!

Even though we've lived in our house 4.5 yrs. already, we still have a lot of undecorated space. In fact, I had been eyeing these Shrek sized stainless steel utensils at Pier One for a few years but was too cheap to break down and buy them previously. It was just our luck that they were on sale 40% off this weekend, so they are now hanged happily beside the oven. These are so fun!

Of course, I am just waiting for someone who's had too much to drink to do something crazy at some point. Realistically, you can't have a fork that big on your wall and expect it to be left alone forever. Don't be surprised if our next Christmas card ends up being a modern day remake of American Gothic!

Speaking of American Gothic, I'm beginning to feel like we may be that old before we ever have kids. I'm entering what I will call another "impatient phase" right now. Maybe it's because I turn 35 in 2 weeks. Maybe it's because there were families with babies and children around EVERY turn ALL weekend long. 

There have been A LOT of pregnant women everywhere the past week, so much so that I am starting to wonder if God is punishing me or toying with my emotions on purpose. I could be standing in a 50,000 square foot gym, and the one pregnant woman in the whole entire place will plant herself in conversation right next to me talking about her pregnancy for 30 minutes straight with her neighbor. Or, I could walk into Bed Bath & Beyond on a mission for something very specific, and the one section I seek out has a pregnant woman blocking the one shelf I'm trying to browse. It's extra hard to see pregnant women and families right now, because the weather is gorgeous and the preggos are all wearing their cute little sundresses, toting toddlers, and enjoying a blissfully perfect stroll with their cute round bellies, on the arm of their oh-so-proud husbands.

I realize we live in a small town in Texas and it's expected to have families everywhere, but sometimes nothing prepares me for the onslaught of Brady Bunch I must maneuver around.  Sunday it just became too much for me. The Bed Bath & Beyond encounter did me in. We left there and headed to World Market, and before I could even get to the front door, I just stopped in my tracks and stood there sobbing beneath my sunglasses. It came out of nowhere, but I could NOT help it. It was a completely involuntary reaction. I scooted to the side and turned so no one could see me, and my husband just put my head on his shoulder and held me in his arms to let me cry it out. I wiped my tears and proceeded to enter the store to hunt down this God forsaken giant pillar candle that we were hunting for with no success.

Ugh, I hate those moments. In a matter of seconds, I can go from being OK to feeling like I'm standing on a platform in a carnival dunking booth and someone has just thrown the perfect shot to knock me down. Not only am I soaking wet and struggling for air, the person who threw the shot could care less and certainly doesn't offer me a towel. They are just oblivious as they get to excitedly collect their prize. I wipe the hair out of my eyes, situate myself back on the platform, and raise myself back up, just waiting for the next contestant to knock me down again. I can't speak for everyone, but for many women dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss, this is how it feels to witness the endless stream of pregnancies and families on a daily basis as you remain barren and unfulfilled. 

I'm pretty sure most women going through this are more of an emotional mess than their husbands. However, it's very hard on the husbands too. Even though they aren't crying in front of World Market, they are watching their wife become depressed at the flip of a switch, and it's got to feel a little helpless to experience this for months or years on end.  I'm sure this is even how friends of infertile people feel many times. It's hard finding the "right words" to make it all better, but it's those tough times that we just need someone to listen and be there when there are no words.

I am completely addicted to Hunter Hayes' new album,  and one of his songs "Cry With You" is about wanting to be there for someone in their difficult time. It's about being that friend or family member or spouse, watching someone go through something hard or going through it with them and just not having the words. To me, I have a select few people who have really been there for me the past couple years, and I couldn't help but think of them when I heard this song....and proceed to bawl my eyes out of course. I cannot listen to this song without crying.

Warning: GRAB YOUR TISSUES...

I think my husband could have written this song and dedicated it to me. He is just the most amazing husband I could have ever dreamed for....always seated right next to me on this crazy roller coaster, telling me it's going to be OK.

Needless to say, I cried again on the drive home yesterday. That's when I realized that this was partly a biological thing. Saturday was my last day of taking Provera and it had been more than 24 hours since my last pill. I'm guessing that my body was experiencing a drastic drop in progesterone, which is exactly what is supposed to be happening right now. Is this how PMS feels? I never had this before fertility treatments, but then again I never really had PMS either. I assume Aunt Flo will be making a visit in the next day or two.  Let's hope she does, so we can get this show on the road for our FET (frozen embryo transfer)!

I have an appointment with a rheumatologist this Wednesday, so I can ask questions about autoiummunity, blood clotting factors, pregnancy/loss and their relation to one another. I'm not sure he'll be well-versed on infertility or pregnancy related issues, but perhaps I can at least find out what my true risks are in relation to the "autoimmune issue" my hematologist says I have. Can we call it something? Can he test for Natural Killer cells or anti-thyroid antibodies? I mean what it this "issue" I'm dealing with anyways?

Assuming that Aunt Flo comes this week, I'll also be having my baseline ultrasound with Dr. Vaughn. As long as there are no ovarian cysts present (fingers crossed), we should be good to start our FET cycle, and I can begin taking YOU GUESSED IT... More hormones! lol

Lord, please let this cycle begin uneventfully and continue without any major hiccups. We've paid our dues. We have been faithful and as patient as possible. We're doing everything we can. We just really need this to work. I don't think I can endure another summer without good news.