You Cannot Be Defeated: Last Chance FET Follow-Up

You Cannot Be Defeated…this was the message of Joel Osteen’s sermon on Dec. 8^th. I lay there on the couch with my feet snuggled in my trusty electric foot warmer watching my Tivo’ed episode, tears streaming down my face. I’ve been praying every single day for peace and patience and HOPEFULLY a positive outcome for our last chance FET cycle. 

I’d just prayed that morning for God to give me some sign of reassurance that it’s even possible. I was praying to just feel a cramp or some boob soreness or have what my friend Caroline calls a “blue sock moment”…anything to help me stay sane and hopeful during the dreaded 9 day waiting period following our blastocyst transfer.

And here was Joel Osteen, looking me directly in the eyes saying, “God is going to send the enemy packing. The infertility- It’s not going to be with you your whole life. God is not only going to send it packing, but He’s going to release the healing, the breakthrough, the baby you’ve been praying about.” I about fell off the freaking couch! It could have been coincidence he used that example of course, but the entire sermon could not have come at a more appropriate time for me.

Needless to say, I was pretty moved, and I knew that I needed to share this message with you all as well. Please take 30 minutes out of your day when you have a chance, or when you need some uplifting, to watch. No matter what you’re struggling with, I hope that it moves you as much as it did me…

 

3 days later, the following Wednesday, I decided to take a HPT. Something inside was nudging me to do so, and I truly felt I would be ok emotionally, no matter what the cheapie Wondfo test strip said. I wasn’t going to let it dictate my mood. Low and behold there was a second line. I tested again just to make sure, and there was still a line….2 days before I was even due to take a blood test.

Never, in any of the last 3 short-lived pregnancies have I detected a pregnancy this early. This was promising, but I could tell my husband was extremely guarded…we both were and still ARE of course. Two days later, we got the blood result and received the strongest initial beta we’ve ever received. 3 days later, the result still remained strong and doubled in the appropriate time. So far, it’s reached an all time high for us, and we’re cautiously optimistic, yet still very guarded since it’s so very early.

I won’t be making individual posts about every single beta here. It’s an absolutely maddening rollercoaster of emotions taking these blood tests and waiting by the phone for the results each time, and I’d rather not take you along for the ride. I’ll be updating stuff in a new tab at the top if you care to look, but I also respect your decision not to.

I am intensely aware of how difficult it is to hear pregnancy news from other women, not only in real life, but also in the infertility community from those you’ve developed very deep and loving relationships with. I know that very strange feeling in the pit of your stomach of being happy for someone else but sad for yourself. I know how heartbreaking it is to congratulate someone else and then go right back to wherever you’re at in your infertility treatments or TTC journey.

I have been part of online support groups for 2.5+ years now and have watched almost EVERY single person I know become pregnant and have a baby…literally hundreds of women. Some are now onto #2.  It is extremely painful to feel like you’re the last woman on the planet that will ever become pregnant, especially when those who’ve been your “infertility sister” the longest have eventually reached “the other side” and you are still spending every last resource and ounce of energy you have on trying to start a family. I know that pain all too well.

I am resolved to be respectful and humble and sensitive to the journeys that anyone out there reading is going through. I completely understand if you need to hide me from your blog list, and I totally respect anyone’s decision to do so. I can assure you though, that you won’t see a bunch of posts with ALL CAPS or overused exclamation points!!! proclaiming every milestone of this pregnancy. You also won’t have to endure any version of an “Oscar acceptance speech” thanking all of the little people who’ve helped me survive this infertility journey.  You ALL know how much I love you already, and we are far from being out of the woods.

It’s still very early, and there is still a lot of surviving to get through, but my hope is that this works out…not only for us, but for all of you too.  Being stuck in the nightmare that is infertility, I believe, will earn us all a special place in heaven someday. I also believe that we will all become mothers, even if it takes longer for some of us. We will not be defeated. It WILL happen.

Quinoa & Black Bean Stuffed Avocados

Me thinks I've officially reached hermit status today. The errands I had scheduled for yesterday got cancelled because of icy road closures outside of my town, and it's a gloomy cold wet mess outside. I'm sure all the Northerners would laugh at us, but in Austin, everything starts shutting down when temps reach freezing. They even delayed school in our neighborhood yesterday for kiddos...um, because it's cold I think? ha! Thank God for HGTV, Food network, and Sex in the City.

Speaking of Food network, has anyone seen the show Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with Guy Fieri? That show is going to be the absolute death of me! About 80% of the food comes with a complimentary heart attack, but man does it ever look good! It's amazing I haven't eaten myself into a food coma as much as I've been laying around and salivating over cooking shows.

However, I did whip up something totally by accident today that blew my taste buds away. I've been craving quinoa and avocados like craaazy and was trying to whip something up without having to leave the house for any ingredients. Here's the result....

Quinoa & Black Bean Stuffed Avocados

Tadah! Holy smokes, these are tiny little avocado bowls of heaven. Doesn't hurt that they are ridiculously healthy too. Unsaturated fats like those found in nuts, olive oils, cold water fish, and avocados are great foods to reduce inflammation, and a recent study also found that eating avocados more than triples IVF pregnancy rates.

Now, obviously I don't think that eating avocados is a key determinant in IVF success. Chances are if someone is eating avocados and all these other healthy sources of fat, they probably have a healthier lifestyle overall. Furthermore, I'm not even sure being healthy overall results in any real advantages for IVF at this point, because I know a whole lotta people who eat like crap, pound the coffee daily, smoke cigarettes, and have babies or are expecting.

However, avocados are healthy enough to earn super food status in my opinion, and even if they can only possibly help IVF by indirect means of decreasing inflammation, it can't hurt to include them right? Heck, I'm going to be eating this recipe all the time from now on no matter what, because they're just that good!

Here's the recipe for anyone who's interested in making it. It's gluten-free, dairy free, soy free, vegan and packed with protein, fiber, healthy fats and essential amino acids. Plus, in Chinese medicine the quinoa salad would be considered a "warming food," nourishing Yang energy to assist with implantation.

Quinoa & Black Bean Stuffed Avocados

1 cup (uncooked) quinoa
2 cups broth (or water)
1 can black beans (rinsed & drained)
1 heaping cup frozen corn
1 Tbsp. evoo
1/4 cup finely diced red onion
1/2 cup diced tomato
chipotle chili pepper
cumin
sea salt
fresh ground pepper
juice of 1 lemon
parsley
Haas avocado

Cook the quinoa in large pot according to package directions (use broth instead of water for extra flavor). Set aside.

Cook corn and drain. Then, in a skillet add evoo, red onion, cooked corn, tomato, black beans, chipotle chili pepper, cumin, salt & pepper.  (Just eyeball the spices and add to taste). Stir together and cook about 3 minutes.

Add all ingredients from the skillet to pot of cooked quinoa. Add juice of one lemon and parsley, mix well. Cover and let sit a few minutes to allow the flavors to marry.

Halve avocado and remove seed. Transfer heaping spoonfuls onto each avocado halve and serve with spoon.

Easy peasy! This makes a big ole pot of yummy warm quinoa salad, and you'll have a ton of leftovers for more avocados later. It would also be a good side dish to grilled seafood or eaten plain by itself. However, the smokiness & spiciness of the quinoa salad pairs perfectly with the coolness of the avocado.

I've got 4 more avocados just waiting to be eaten like this, and I already want another one. This could be dangerous!

Post-Transfer: Fertility Affirmations & Stress Free Zone

Yesterday's FET went off without a hitch. I would definitely say I had a peace that passes all understanding throughout the day. To begin with, we had some crazy fog like I've never seen before in Austin, and of course it caused a ton of traffic on the drive to our pre-transfer acu session. However, I wasn't phased and just had this overwhelming amount of calm and peace. My acupuncturist arrived 15 minutes late because of the crazy weather. I knew this would cut our session somewhat short and that we'd be late to our FET, but still I wasn't phased one bit. I was just so calm and content. I seriously felt like I'd taken a xanax or something, but I hadn't.

When we arrived we went through the normal drill...paperwork, gowns, hats, fuzzy slippers. The embryologist came out with pics of our embryos. To be honest, I would have liked to see them expanded a little further, but I think they just snap these pics kind of early in relation to the actual transfer time at my clinic. Don't get me wrong. They are good blasts! I just like to see them re-expanded fully out to the zona pellucida, but I really can't complain. Just as all of our other embryos, they have about 150-200 cells each and a clearly defined inner cell mass...

By the time we were rolled into the transfer room and saw our embabies on the screen they'd almost fully expanded. No luck seeing them hatching this time around, but the fact they'd progressed since these photos was reassurance they were indeed alive and kicking!

I think I've mastered the art of filling the bladder just enough for the ultrasound guidance by now and so did not need to have my bladder drained by my RE and did not even need to use the restroom after the transfer. I used my time laying on the table to listen to one of my favorite new affirmation CD's. I highly recommend this for anyone doing IVF or currently pregnant from IVF...

Fertility Affirmations by Sarah Arkell

When I first listened to this, I found myself rolling my eyes quite a bit I'll admit. Some of the affirmations you are supposed to repeat to yourself are...

"I conceive easily."
"My body always has normal cycles."
"The IVF process is easy for me."

Well, when those things haven't exactly been true in the past, it's seems a little pie in the sky to repeat at first. However, I realized that for every affirmation I was rolling my eyes at, it was a reminder of the negative script that was actually rolling in my subconscious and thus causing me to doubt these statements. If I'm rolling my eyes, it means I'm telling my body those things aren't true right? Well, I believe strongly in the power of the mind, and whether it's happened yet or not, I want my body to know I believe in it. I want to tell my body how powerful and amazing it is. I want to invite a successful pregnancy into our lives and put faith in my body to achieve this.

Even after everything we've been through, I have never EVER called my body "stupid." I hear women doing this all the time, and while I get the frustration with infertility 100%, it's kind of a pet peeve of mine to hear this. Doing the affirmations made me realize that even if I'm doing right by not constantly professing defeat over my body out loud,  I can still do even better. I can change the subconscious script that lays dormant even deeper in my psyche by talking to it and training my brain to think more positive thoughts. If it takes a cheesy affirmations CD from a lady with a soothing Australian accent to give me daily reminders of where my mind should be, then so be it!

Here is another one for all you ladies not undergoing IVF. It's designed for natural conception...

Hypnosis for Fertility by Bree Taylor Molyneaux

By the way, I downloaded these for free through Rhapsody. Both mp3's are available on Rhapsody, iTunes and Amazon, as well as other places online.

In an effort to stay in my little Zen bubble, I am definitely not rushing into any substitute teaching jobs the next few days. There is a lot of running around some days when subbing, to cover other teachers (during what it supposed to be the teacher's normal "plan time"). We get redirected to another class we may not even be signed up to sub for (their cheapskate way of saving $ on subs). There are days when I've barely had time to pee or eat lunch, and I don't feel comfortable running myself ragged when so much is at stake here.  My RE does not require strict bedrest, but just very limited activity and no doing anything you don't absolutely have to do.

My acu likes to do a session 24 hours after transfer, so I'll leave the house briefly to do that today. I will have one more session next week before our hCG test, which is on Friday 12/13. Let's hope we prove all the superstitions of that day wrong! My main focus has been and still is on remaining stress and drama free. And because I have way too much time on my hands today, here are some fun images which capture this...

Some good rules to live by. You don't have to ask me twice. If it doesn't make me feel good emotionally, spiritually or physically, I'm not subjecting myself to it!

Hubby flew out to FL this morning to take finals for his MBA program and begin new classes for next semester. Did I mention how proud I am of him? Well I am. He has managed to do extremely well in school, while working full time at a new position in his company, all while going through fertility treatments and attending EVERY single doctor's appointment throughout IVF....not to mention all the extra stuff guys "get to do" as part of this process.

Last night was one of the nights where we got to do 3 not so fun injections: Delestrogen, PEO & Lovenox. I turned around and watched him do the IM shots for the first time. Usually I just close my eyes really tightly and grab onto the kitchen counter like I'm bracing for hurricane force winds. While it was more painful watching the needles go in and out, I didn't faint or throw up.

Tonight will be the first night giving myself a PEO shot. Yikes! I'm actually not stressed that much about it in comparison to the one I'll be doing on Sat... It's the Delestrogen that scares me to death, because that's the thickest needle and it's like it grabs my ass cheek on the way out and the flesh clings to the big fat needle as it's being removed. It's so gross! All 3 of these shots have been bleeding more lately too, but perhaps that's a good sign my blood is actually flowing instead of clotting? Who the heck knows. All I know is that if other women before me have done these shots, then so can I.

One small step at a time...

Lining @ 9.1: PEO & Transfer on the Horizon!

Raise your hand if you've spent/will be spending at least one day of your holiday weekend in stirrups. Anyone? Anyone?

I've gotta give it to the staff of my fertility clinic, because they NEVER get a day off. Of course, mad props to my fellow TTC'ers out there forgoing Black Friday shopping to run to doctor's appointments, to labs to give blood, to pharmacies for their meds, and back home to joyfully inject ginormous needles into their behinds.

In all fairness, I can't complain too loudly. This is basically all that has been going down at our house for days now, and we plan to continue this trend throughout the weekend...

Triscuit has the good life!

Plus, despite the running around, this morning could not have gone any better. I'm happy to report that after only 4 doses of Delestrogen shots, my lining is ready @ 9.1 mm! I'm so glad we requested these shots.

My clinic only requires a 7 mm lining to move forward with IVF/FET, but I REALLY wanted to see it over 9 mm. I will not ever be one of those women who gets a lining in the double digits, and I know that. 9 was my own personal threshold to feeling 100% confident that my uterus is ready to receive our last two remaining embryos. Obviously, there are many moving piece to a successful FET, and the lining is only one of them, but gosh darnit it is nice to not wonder if it's really going to be good enough. It's far enough over the cusp of what's acceptable, that I just feel better mentally about this part of the equation.

Did a P4 (progesterone) blood draw today, and as long as that comes back nice and low (showing no ovulation has taken place) then we get the green light to begin PEO (progesterone in ethyl oleate) injections tonight. We'll do these for 5 days, and the transfer will be scheduled for 12/4....just in the nick of time yet again. Hubby flies out on 12/5.

For anyone who's done PIO injections, you can see that the PEO solution is much different just by looking at it. PEO contains the exact same amount of progesterone medication per dose, but the medium used is different; It's compounded with ethyl oleate rather than oil, which results in a clear lightweight liquid rather than a yellow heavy liquid. The PEO medication is about the consistency of water, thus requiring less effort to plunge into the muscle, a smaller needle, less pain, less lumping under the skin, etc. I have yet to do one (tonight will be the 1st time) but from what I'm told, this is supposed to be easier than PIO.  Make no mistake...the needle is still big and scary, and it's a fair amount of liquid (1 mL), but I'll take whatever I can get in regards to having a thinner solution to inject.

We still have a ways to go, but all in all, things are playing out well thus far. I'm releasing all better judgement to remain guarded out the window and letting in a ridiculous amount of hope in it's place. Yes, I am getting my hopes up super high for this FET to work. I just feel really good about things this cycle, like something IS going to be different. I figure we've got absolutely nothing to lose by expecting something different....that it can REALLY work this time. I can see my hubby get a little guarded as my excitement becomes more apparent, but at this point I'm not worried about protecting my own heart from the possibility of failure. I've decided I will cross each emotional bridge that comes along the way. Staying hopeful and positive and open and expectant for a successful cycle is the ONLY way I am going to be. Period. 

Take a listen if you can use a reminder to stay positive and think good thoughts. Love this song...

Warm Tootsies

Have you ever in your life seen tootsies as warm and cozy and relaxed as these??

I've want to send a big THANK YOU to one my dearest blog buddies Jessah @ Dreaming of Dimples. Despite all she has going on with out-of-town fertility treatments, working full time, and organizing fun events to bring joy to others (like mug swaps throughout the blogosphere), she still took time to send me these super fun and very LUCKY socks to wear. Breaking these out today was MUCH needed, because they totally saved my mood.

Here is where I get honest. There were a few tears this morning. I have been doing really well staying positive and hopeful and at peace. More quiet time each day with myself and with God is helping, and I am generally in a really good place. It was just one of those times where true feelings can strike at a moment's notice. 

This morning at the gym, I was situated on a machine next to a woman who I knew had just given birth and was in there "working off the baby weight." I've tried to avoid being around this chick, because it just hurts to watch everyone around me have babies when I still haven't. I don't even know this woman, but we have a mutual friend who felt the need to tell me how she got pregnant with #2 not even trying...out having a good time on NYE last year with the hubby and BAM it happened. Not sure why I needed to know this detail, but my friend felt the need to tell me for some reason?

Of course we tend to work out at the same time, so I got to watch her baby bump grow for months, as she continued working out like a crazy exercise feign doing push-ups, squats, long intense sessions on the stairmill, the works. As if Kerri Walsh winning the gold medal in volleyball while 5 weeks pregnant weren't enough. Now I get to watch this pregnant chick go nuts in the gym every day and come rub her belly near me as she stretches.

Clearly intense exercise doesn't affect all people in the same way in regards to fertility. Nope, I'm the lucky one who becomes anovulatory and loses her period for 3 years straight from being "too athletic." Alrighty then, I'll just be over here doing the elliptical (a.k.a. workout for wusses) since I'm "not allowed" to work out intensely and am treating my body as if I am already pregnant. No, I'm not bitter about this at all. Can you tell?

I was trying not to let this stranger's return to my workout space bother me, and I tried my best to just look the other way, but it's like there was an elephant in the room or sorts...but just inside my own brain of course. When hubby asked me on the drive home how I was, I divulged how it just hurts to watch everyone go through each trimester and then post-pregnancy. We were actively trying long before this woman accidentally got blessed with a child, and here I am STILL TRYING as her baby is all cozied up safely with the rest of her family at home. It just sucks feeling like everyone else gets to experience milestones of life while you are just plain STUCK in the same place.

Sorry for such a long tangent, but just to bring it back...My point was supposed to be that I am thankful to know I'm not completely alone and that there are women out there who do get it, even if we are all separated by thousands of miles. I truly do not know how women survived pre-internet.  Lord knows I have zero friends in real life who have been through this, and it gets lonely...like tumbleweeds blowing by lonely.

To have a friend whom I've never met in person, who would take the time to send me something as simple as a pair of lucky socks along with a super sweet card means SO MUCH to me. I will also say, that if you've never put on a pair of bright striped socks that go all the way up to your knees, you must try it! It's an instant mood lifter! I had no clue how much fun these would be! So, thank you my dear Jessah for making me smile on a morning where it's been really easy not to. Thank you for thinking of little ole me. :)

And since we're on the subject of warm tootsies, I have got to share my other new favorite toy with you. I saw this Luxury Foot Warmer in a catalog and knew I had to order it. I am very cold natured and always trying to keep my feet warm, so this is absolutely perfect! There are a few different ways I've been using it.

I call this "Pigs in a Blanket"...

This is the absolute best position though. The "Tootsie Roll"...

If you have cold feet constantly like me, I highly recommend ordering one of these. Seriously the BEST purchase I've made in a while. As you may know, Chinese medicine correlates being cold natured with kidney yang deficiency, and there is a lot of importance placed on having warm feet while trying to conceive. Having warm feet increases blood flow to meridians connected to the pelvic organs. That is why TCM practitioner's are so adamant about patients wearing socks and slippers during conception cycles, and especially throughout IVF.

I need all the help I can get with blood flow and my lining, so I'm using this puppy every day. It's much more efficient than warm foot soaks if you ask me, because it heats up super fast, you can leave it on longer, and it doesn't leave your feet wet and cold afterwards. Plus, it's so small and lightweight you can tote it around and use it in any room of the house. Love this little gadget!

It's coming in handy this weekend as we welcome cold and rainy temps in the 30's here in Austin. Hubby and I are aiming to break an all time record for snuggling...in between him studying for his MBA of course. Yesterday we went to see the new Hunger Games movie right smack in the middle of the day and had a lunch date at a favorite Mexican spot. Tonight, we have plans to see Whitney Cummings stand-up live with two other couples and do dinner at another favorite spot downtown. All in all, these are all reminders that life is good.

I'm sure there will moments tonight where I'm reminded yet again that we aren't parents, since the couples we are going with all have beautiful young children. I can pretty much guarantee this will be a main topic of discussion. I'm just preparing myself ahead of time to sit close to hubby and hold him a little tighter if/when those conversations take over. I can't just hide my entire life from people with kids to protect my own heart, so I'll try my best to be happy for them and let their stories be a reminder of what we have to look forward to...hopefully some day very soon.

Opening the Door

Yesterday, I was telling my acupuncturist how at peace I feel with this last FET. Some people might look at this schedule of injections and appointments and think it's the last thing on earth they'd want to go through to have a baby. Yet, I'm actually feeling better about this cycle than I have the last two FET's. Why?

For one, doing something different this round has given me a new sense of hope for a positive outcome. I don't care if it requires taking more meds or involves more needles. It's different, and different is good! I do realize how tricky having this pesky thing called hope can be of course, because it's what makes defeat all the more painful if it ultimately follows. Still, I'm choosing to be brave enough to let down my guard and allow hope into my heart.

Secondly, looking back on all we've been through the past 2.5 years and looking ahead to everything happening this cycle, I TRULY have the peace of mind that we have done and are doing ALL that we can to make this dream come true. I've tried my best to maintain a healthy balance of micromanaging every aspect of our treatment, while also trusting in the doctors and God's plan. Is that even possible? Ha!

However, the fact that we've followed all the "rules" that we've been given by our RE, our nutritionist, and my acupuncturist since Day 1 of us actively TTC'ing can at least give us peace of mind that if this doesn't work, it's nothing that we did wrong. At the end of the day, it's either going to work or it's not. Even if it doesn't work, at least I won't have any regrets that "I shouldn't have eaten that" or  "I shouldn't have run that marathon."

My acu reminded me that even though we still have meds to do this cycle and appointments to go to and the actual process of the FET, really our work is done. It took some string pulling to finally get the low dose steroid and the Lovenox added to our protocol, and the fact that we are pulling out the big guns for my lining development is reassuring. The only thing we haven't added is intralipid infusions (as recommended by Dr. Sher to lower borderline high NK cells). I'm not completely sold on my need for this controversial immune treatment, and thus we've made the decision to stick with our current RE and just counteract possible immune activity with a low dose steroid.

As many of you would probably agree, just having a feasable plan in place that you feel comfortable with and that your body will HOPEFULLY respond to is sometimes one of the biggest hurdles once you're knee deep into IVF. There are never any guarantees, but I feel really good about our plan. I feel like the hardest part of this cycle is already over.

My acu also reminded me that our only job now is to "Open the door"...to focus our energy on inviting our future child into our lives and open the door for it to happen. She talked about how sometimes when we work so hard at dotting i's and crossing t's, that we can sometimes forget that we also need to "just be" and allow the powers that be to intervene. She reminded me that sometimes the things that take the very LEAST amount of energy can also be the MOST powerful. Focus on making a good plan yes, but don't forget about the easy and powerful aspect of opening your arms up to receive what is sitting right in front of you...doing something as simple as turning the doorknob and allowing what you want to come in without any interference.

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.- Jesus Christ (Luke 11:9)

"In oneself lies the whole world, and if you know how to look and learn, then the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either that key or the door to open, except yourself. - J. Krishnamurti

"Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door." - Coco Chanel

Spending quiet time meditating, praying, or just listening to music is something I do most days of the week, but I still feel like I've been slacking in the spiritual department. Even though I feel I've grown closer to God throughout this journey overall, I know I've lost some degree of my connection to my own inner strength.

The fact is, that before all this TTC'ing, I spent more time actively visualizing what I wanted in life. I am a big believer in dream boards and meditation, and the law of attraction. And yes, I do think you can be a Christian and also believe in the law of attraction. I think people who aren't open to the idea of the attracting what you want in life really just don't know what it's about. Some might make a blanket statement of "Oh, that is new age garbage" or "hocus pocus" or something along those lines. Honestly, I don't see a vast separation between believing in God for what you want, and also believing that what you think about and speak over your own life also has power. To me, both of these outlooks are tightly woven and mesh perfectly together. "What you think about and thank about, you bring about."-  I believe that! Check out 100 quotes from "The Secret".


No better time to open up the future nursery door and start spending some more time in there...like I used to when we first started trying for a baby. I dug out my vision board that I made 2+ years ago...

And the onesies and bibs that I bought around the same time...

I couldn't help but think of our two little blastocysts that will be transferred in only a couple weeks time.  I also cracked open the journal I'd been keeping where I would write to our future child. I started this journal on 1/26/2012 but hadn't written in it since 9/10/2012...it's been a while. I felt compelled to make a new entry.

I want our future babies to know they are wanted and that we are here, ready and waiting with open arms. I even whipped out a contract I'd written to God a while back....

This was a suggestion taken from a sermon by Joel Osteen, where he talked about his sister's infertility and how she wrote out a contract with God, reminding Him of His promises and asking for them with expectancy. It's not wrong to ask boldly for what we what and also EXPECT it according to His own promises in scripture.

Sure, I could just think about all this stuff in my head, but having something to see, feel and touch makes it easier to arrive in a centered quiet place each day and OPEN THE DOOR to what we want in our lives. I'm choosing to look at this cycle as "us time." There will be no worry, or second guessing, or "work" to be done. All we need to do is follow the plan that's already been set each day and adjust accordingly as things unfold. Our only job now is to open the door and allow whatever is meant to be to enter.

In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/door.html#eRmB8mdBXaCtDrbC.

In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.
Jiddu Krishnamurti
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/j/jiddu_krishnamurti.html#6t7QmPObyi6LSr2p.99

Booty's Not Going to Like This

Today's RE appointment was 1 part baseline ultrasound & 2 parts complaint fest. I kinda hated to start off this cycle on a negative note, since I'm resolved to keep things all butterflies and unicorns up in my psyche for our last chance FET. However, I honestly felt I needed to bring up the whole "Neg. Sorry" nurse communication thing to my RE.

I am not a timid person, but my RE is just so darn likeable and even keeled that I hate to complain to him personally. Yet, he's the one who owns the place and has the power to change things, so he did get a small earful today. Of course, he was extremely thankful I brought it up along with a couple other things that have bugged us about their level of service as of late. He just kept thanking us, taking the blame, saying they need to do better and how it was unacceptable and they WILL do better.

Seriously, this last FET better work, because that is how badly I want it to work out with Dr. Vaughn as our RE. I want to be able to thank him for his help, to show him baby pics someday, and for us to have the satisfaction that we've been in the best hands possible...which is what I felt in my heart at our first consultation with him. I've got to admit though, that lately as much as I love this man as our doctor, we are losing a tiny sliver of faith in the relationship each time we have a failed IVF transfer. 3 of those can really start to wear on you emotionally, financially, physically, and spiritually.

Nevertheless, here we are onto FET #3 (IVF Transfer #4). The moment is NOW, so that is the moment I'm focusing on...not on what we'll do if this doesn't work. I feel like we've got nothing to lose at this point by putting every single little ounce of faith and mojo and positive thinking into the fact that THIS IS GOING TO WORK!

We are doing things a little differently this time around too...

1) 0.3 mL Delestrogen (IM shots)- to increase lining thickness, instead of oral/vaginal Estrace

2) 1 mg dexamethasone- low dose steroid to calm any inflammation, perhaps lower uterine NK cells (which I tested slightly high for), increase receptivity of the uterus (in theory)

3) 1 mL PEO/Progesterone in Ethyl Oleate- (IM shots)- to maintain lining, instead of Crinone suppositories

4) 40 mg Lovenox (SubQ shots)- to reduce viscosity of blood/increase blood flow, counteracts blood clotting factors (which I test + for). Have used this in the past, but not for full cycles with all IVF transfers.


This is not going to be fun, with 3 shots (2 of those being IM and 1 that feels like liquid fire ants) scheduled on the same day sometimes. However, it would make absolutely no sense to just keep using approaches that haven't worked at this point. I don't want to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. We have changed it up a little with each previous IVF transfer, but only in dosaging and not really with type of meds as much.

We're going the more painful intramuscular route this time around with hopes that maybe, just maybe, my body might react differently if I am plunging a big ass needle full of the goods straight into my ass cheek with no chance for escape! What did we sign up for though??? Look at this thing!

ALL the way in? Are you sure?

It is even scarier in person, I assure you. And yes, that is the injection needle, not the drawing needle. T minus 1 hour until hubby plunges our first dose of Delestrogen into my gluteus maximus. I am gaining all possible strength from my fellow friends in the infertility community for sure. I know plenty of women who have given themselves these shots IN THEIR OWN ASSES! If they can do it, so can I!

I've posted our FET #3 Calendar with our meds schedule, anticipated transfer date, and test date at the top of the page next to the rest of them. Please keep us in your thoughts as we embark on our final chance at IVF. We need all the good vibes, baby dust, and spare prayers for a miracle that you can muster!