Monday, May 20, 2013

Wonderful World of Hormones

Oh, the wonderful world of hormones. Most of the past week and weekend I was happier than a slinky on an escalator. I was feeling pretty damn good! Then, on Sunday out of nowhere, it was like a Hollywood director shouted, "Cue the waterworks!" My poor husband. Seriously though, when you are taking so many hormones on and off like this, there are just times when even the most controlled of individuals lose their faculties and need to have an emotional breakdown in public.

Not to detract from our good time though, we really did have a great weekend for the most part. There was a "Tour of Homes" taking place in Austin, where you can visit open houses from various home builders in the area. Since I am admittedly interior design challenged, and we obtained wristbands for free, this was the perfect opportunity to snoop around for ideas.  We spent Friday evening and Saturday perusing the most expensive homes we could find on the list to get inspired and make ourselves green with envy. Here is one of my favorites along the way...

@ Lake Travis, TX

I don't know about you, but I could totally see myself living here! I swear I wouldn't mind cleaning it! Surprisingly enough, touring the homes actually just made us even more thankful for our own home...that is how much we truly love our home. Plus, I think some of the interior designers for the more expensive $1-2M homes were smokin' crack. Apparently they did not get the memo that leopard print should be used in moderation and "institution green" should be reserved for insane asylums in horror movies. Even I know that! It definitely kept our tour entertaining though. haha!

Even though we've lived in our house 4.5 yrs. already, we still have a lot of undecorated space. In fact, I had been eyeing these Shrek sized stainless steel utensils at Pier One for a few years but was too cheap to break down and buy them previously. It was just our luck that they were on sale 40% off this weekend, so they are now hanged happily beside the oven. These are so fun!

Of course, I am just waiting for someone who's had too much to drink to do something crazy at some point. Realistically, you can't have a fork that big on your wall and expect it to be left alone forever. Don't be surprised if our next Christmas card ends up being a modern day remake of American Gothic!

Speaking of American Gothic, I'm beginning to feel like we may be that old before we ever have kids. I'm entering what I will call another "impatient phase" right now. Maybe it's because I turn 35 in 2 weeks. Maybe it's because there were families with babies and children around EVERY turn ALL weekend long. 

There have been A LOT of pregnant women everywhere the past week, so much so that I am starting to wonder if God is punishing me or toying with my emotions on purpose. I could be standing in a 50,000 square foot gym, and the one pregnant woman in the whole entire place will plant herself in conversation right next to me talking about her pregnancy for 30 minutes straight with her neighbor. Or, I could walk into Bed Bath & Beyond on a mission for something very specific, and the one section I seek out has a pregnant woman blocking the one shelf I'm trying to browse. It's extra hard to see pregnant women and families right now, because the weather is gorgeous and the preggos are all wearing their cute little sundresses, toting toddlers, and enjoying a blissfully perfect stroll with their cute round bellies, on the arm of their oh-so-proud husbands.

I realize we live in a small town in Texas and it's expected to have families everywhere, but sometimes nothing prepares me for the onslaught of Brady Bunch I must maneuver around.  Sunday it just became too much for me. The Bed Bath & Beyond encounter did me in. We left there and headed to World Market, and before I could even get to the front door, I just stopped in my tracks and stood there sobbing beneath my sunglasses. It came out of nowhere, but I could NOT help it. It was a completely involuntary reaction. I scooted to the side and turned so no one could see me, and my husband just put my head on his shoulder and held me in his arms to let me cry it out. I wiped my tears and proceeded to enter the store to hunt down this God forsaken giant pillar candle that we were hunting for with no success.

Ugh, I hate those moments. In a matter of seconds, I can go from being OK to feeling like I'm standing on a platform in a carnival dunking booth and someone has just thrown the perfect shot to knock me down. Not only am I soaking wet and struggling for air, the person who threw the shot could care less and certainly doesn't offer me a towel. They are just oblivious as they get to excitedly collect their prize. I wipe the hair out of my eyes, situate myself back on the platform, and raise myself back up, just waiting for the next contestant to knock me down again. I can't speak for everyone, but for many women dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss, this is how it feels to witness the endless stream of pregnancies and families on a daily basis as you remain barren and unfulfilled. 

I'm pretty sure most women going through this are more of an emotional mess than their husbands. However, it's very hard on the husbands too. Even though they aren't crying in front of World Market, they are watching their wife become depressed at the flip of a switch, and it's got to feel a little helpless to experience this for months or years on end.  I'm sure this is even how friends of infertile people feel many times. It's hard finding the "right words" to make it all better, but it's those tough times that we just need someone to listen and be there when there are no words.

I am completely addicted to Hunter Hayes' new album,  and one of his songs "Cry With You" is about wanting to be there for someone in their difficult time. It's about being that friend or family member or spouse, watching someone go through something hard or going through it with them and just not having the words. To me, I have a select few people who have really been there for me the past couple years, and I couldn't help but think of them when I heard this song....and proceed to bawl my eyes out of course. I cannot listen to this song without crying.


I think my husband could have written this song and dedicated it to me. He is just the most amazing husband I could have ever dreamed for....always seated right next to me on this crazy roller coaster, telling me it's going to be OK.

Needless to say, I cried again on the drive home yesterday. That's when I realized that this was partly a biological thing. Saturday was my last day of taking Provera and it had been more than 24 hours since my last pill. I'm guessing that my body was experiencing a drastic drop in progesterone, which is exactly what is supposed to be happening right now. Is this how PMS feels? I never had this before fertility treatments, but then again I never really had PMS either. I assume Aunt Flo will be making a visit in the next day or two.  Let's hope she does, so we can get this show on the road for our FET (frozen embryo transfer)!

I have an appointment with a rheumatologist this Wednesday, so I can ask questions about autoiummunity, blood clotting factors, pregnancy/loss and their relation to one another. I'm not sure he'll be well-versed on infertility or pregnancy related issues, but perhaps I can at least find out what my true risks are in relation to the "autoimmune issue" my hematologist says I have. Can we call it something? Can he test for Natural Killer cells or anti-thyroid antibodies? I mean what it this "issue" I'm dealing with anyways?

Assuming that Aunt Flo comes this week, I'll also be having my baseline ultrasound with Dr. Vaughn. As long as there are no ovarian cysts present (fingers crossed), we should be good to start our FET cycle, and I can begin taking YOU GUESSED IT... More hormones! lol

Lord, please let this cycle begin uneventfully and continue without any major hiccups. We've paid our dues. We have been faithful and as patient as possible. We're doing everything we can. We just really need this to work. I don't think I can endure another summer without good news.


  1. Love the new wall decor and I totally think you should use them for an awesomely funny Christmas card! Our husbands are amazing. However, I'm pretty sure we have be be pretty amazing ourselves to have picked them. My husband started getting teary-eyed talking about how much we've gone through in our marriage and how much I meant to him. Seriously, guy? You're killing me. We were both all red-eyed and teary in the middle of a nice restaurant!
    I'm also waiting for AF!! Should happen today or tomorrow, I stopped the prometrium on Saturday, so we could totally be doing our IVF/FET at the same time. Holding out lots of hope for you that this will be a very happy summer indeed. :)

    1. Awe, your dear hubby sounds just as supportive as mine is. It really does make all the difference in the world to have a soulmate to lean on and be by your side.

      I am getting impatient for AF to arrive already of course! I think maybe I should wear white pants tomorrow so she'll arrive faster. haha!

      So excited that you are starting your IVF cycle too now. I hope we'll both be ending this saga with some very good news!

    2. Did you see my most recent post about my cray cray hormones? It's mostly due to progesterone, I'm sure. But, I've been a crying, teary eyed, hormonal hot mess that last few days. Our poor husbands. oh the things we go through.

      Also, I've always gone back and forth on that fork and spoon at Pier One too haha. How funny. I like where you put them.

      I really hope you get to move forward soon. And, I hope there are no hiccups along the way. xoxox

    3. Progesterone weepies! I usually get this way while I'm on supplemental progesterone during the LP, but this breakdown happened once I stopped this time, like a big fall out. I think Provera might somehow work differently than Prometrium/Crinone/PIO maybe? Is that even possible? Who knows! I just know this shit makes me crazy!

      That is so funny you almost bought the fork and spoon too! I would have loved to hang them horizontally across the tops of our cabinets, but there are no hooks to hang them that way. So vertical it is! So glad they finally went on sale! :)

  2. I love the Shrek sized utensils in your kitchen!!

    Also, I totally know those moments all too well when the tears just start falling down your face uncontrollably :(. Sometimes it just hits harder than other times. It's always there, but sometimes it all just feels like it could knock the wind literally right out of you. I'm glad your husband was with you at World Market :)

  3. The utensils in your kitchen are awesome! I also love browsing homes and looking at open houses for ideas and I am just shocked at how some people decorate, lol, but I do get good ideas sometimes.

    Don't beat yourself up or feel bad about all the emotions. IF just SUCKS!!! And it's hard. It's hard to see all the happy families while you tick off another year, hoping praying, wishing, anything just to please make this one chance work. You took hormones to make your body bring AF on and all that is hard on your body even without the hormones, just dealing with IF. I do hope once AF shows and you can officially begin the FET cycle you'll feel better. *hugs*

  4. Do you live in Austin?! My favorite place in TX! Will be there in a few weeks to see my brother and family!

    1. Indeed I do! Just North of Austin about 30 minutes from downtown. Better bring your appetite for some BBQ! Whereabouts is your family?

    2. How wonderful! They are also in NW Austin. We are in Dallas, so not far! I went to college in Waco so Austin was always a visiting spot for us then too! I totally would rather live there then Dallas ;)

  5. Hormones can be so evil and so totally upredictable. I actually had my worst case of unprovoked weepies while on estrogen for FET. It was very bizzare...I wasn't expecting it because I had gotten through the IVF durgs with no real problems (lucky I know). But everyone is different. I wish for BOTH of us a smooth and successful FET! If things go "as planned" I'll start meds this weekend. :o)

  6. OM! It never fails. Just when your day is not off to a great start you have bellies all around or new borns in your face. Its like the universe just wants to slap u in the face and remind u of what u want the most. Im sorry Em that are dealing with uncontrolled hormones. Let it out woman, just let it out. Be glad u can still cry through this. Cause God knows I cant shed a tear even though my emotions are telling me to. Keeping you in my prayers that this FET goes smoothly.

  7. I can totally relate to this post. I feel like at the end of a bum cycle (BFN) I will run into ten thousand pregnant women, or my inbox will be flooded with pregnancy announcements. It's a sucky feeling to be jealous rather than elated for them. But, that is my life at this moment. I really admire your husband for just allowing you to cry it out, and feel sad. My husband will sometimes tell me to just suck it up, and that it will happen, but there are some times where all I want to do is just cry. I'm in the same boat, waiting on my period. I don't know what wait is worse, waiting to start, waiting to ovulate, waiting to test, it's all just a test for my patience. Praying for you, sweet friend.

  8. I absolutely love your post, this post is amazing! your analogy of the emotional rollercoasters we face while on these terrible meds is perfect, just perfect! Here's hoping that AF comes and goes and stays away for you my dear.

  9. Spring/Summer is preggo season, for sure. Lately Facebook has been far more unkind to me though. Sorry about the tears in front of World Market. That kind of thing has happened to me too. It's no fun. I hope AF shows up soon and you can start your FET!

  10. Emily, The emotions of this journey are so tough sometimes. You can be feeling great one minute, and then BAM you are a bawling mess the next. So sorry you are feeling this roller coaster of emotions and hoping it is for not much longer, because those tears will be replaced with smiles and praise. Still praying for you everyday, my friend!

    Also, I love your new utensils in the kitchen. They are so cool! And as for the big beautiful house at the top. It's gorgeous...but I think it would end up being a love/hate relationship with the cleaning of it. We live in a big house and the cleaning kills me every week. My hubby loves the extra square footage...but me being the one who cleans it all the time...I would be just as happy (or happier) with less.


  11. First, I must say I LOVE the giant spoon and fork! I'm so glad you finally convinced yourself to buy them!

    It really sucks when you are reminded of your infertility everywhere you turn. I've definitely had my own crying in the parking lot episodes. Sometimes I feel like pregnant women should make their partners do all the shopping. They get a break, and we don't have to see them! It's win-win!

  12. Love the utensils! It reminds me of the expression "everything's bigger in Texas". It is hard on the hubbys. Mine expresses his feelings more with frustration than anything else. I'm sorry you're having a rough go of it lately pretty lady. Good luck with your new doc! Here's hopin' this upcoming IVF brings your baby.

    Gotta admit...I'm kinda jealous you and Suzanne will be cycling together. Hopefully it works for both of you and then I'll be super hopeful for myself.