Wonderful World of Hormones

Oh, the wonderful world of hormones. Most of the past week and weekend I was happier than a slinky on an escalator. I was feeling pretty damn good! Then, on Sunday out of nowhere, it was like a Hollywood director shouted, "Cue the waterworks!" My poor husband. Seriously though, when you are taking so many hormones on and off like this, there are just times when even the most controlled of individuals lose their faculties and need to have an emotional breakdown in public.

Not to detract from our good time though, we really did have a great weekend for the most part. There was a "Tour of Homes" taking place in Austin, where you can visit open houses from various home builders in the area. Since I am admittedly interior design challenged, and we obtained wristbands for free, this was the perfect opportunity to snoop around for ideas.  We spent Friday evening and Saturday perusing the most expensive homes we could find on the list to get inspired and make ourselves green with envy. Here is one of my favorites along the way...

@ Lake Travis, TX

I don't know about you, but I could totally see myself living here! I swear I wouldn't mind cleaning it! Surprisingly enough, touring the homes actually just made us even more thankful for our own home...that is how much we truly love our home. Plus, I think some of the interior designers for the more expensive $1-2M homes were smokin' crack. Apparently they did not get the memo that leopard print should be used in moderation and "institution green" should be reserved for insane asylums in horror movies. Even I know that! It definitely kept our tour entertaining though. haha!

Even though we've lived in our house 4.5 yrs. already, we still have a lot of undecorated space. In fact, I had been eyeing these Shrek sized stainless steel utensils at Pier One for a few years but was too cheap to break down and buy them previously. It was just our luck that they were on sale 40% off this weekend, so they are now hanged happily beside the oven. These are so fun!

Of course, I am just waiting for someone who's had too much to drink to do something crazy at some point. Realistically, you can't have a fork that big on your wall and expect it to be left alone forever. Don't be surprised if our next Christmas card ends up being a modern day remake of American Gothic!

Speaking of American Gothic, I'm beginning to feel like we may be that old before we ever have kids. I'm entering what I will call another "impatient phase" right now. Maybe it's because I turn 35 in 2 weeks. Maybe it's because there were families with babies and children around EVERY turn ALL weekend long. 

There have been A LOT of pregnant women everywhere the past week, so much so that I am starting to wonder if God is punishing me or toying with my emotions on purpose. I could be standing in a 50,000 square foot gym, and the one pregnant woman in the whole entire place will plant herself in conversation right next to me talking about her pregnancy for 30 minutes straight with her neighbor. Or, I could walk into Bed Bath & Beyond on a mission for something very specific, and the one section I seek out has a pregnant woman blocking the one shelf I'm trying to browse. It's extra hard to see pregnant women and families right now, because the weather is gorgeous and the preggos are all wearing their cute little sundresses, toting toddlers, and enjoying a blissfully perfect stroll with their cute round bellies, on the arm of their oh-so-proud husbands.

I realize we live in a small town in Texas and it's expected to have families everywhere, but sometimes nothing prepares me for the onslaught of Brady Bunch I must maneuver around.  Sunday it just became too much for me. The Bed Bath & Beyond encounter did me in. We left there and headed to World Market, and before I could even get to the front door, I just stopped in my tracks and stood there sobbing beneath my sunglasses. It came out of nowhere, but I could NOT help it. It was a completely involuntary reaction. I scooted to the side and turned so no one could see me, and my husband just put my head on his shoulder and held me in his arms to let me cry it out. I wiped my tears and proceeded to enter the store to hunt down this God forsaken giant pillar candle that we were hunting for with no success.

Ugh, I hate those moments. In a matter of seconds, I can go from being OK to feeling like I'm standing on a platform in a carnival dunking booth and someone has just thrown the perfect shot to knock me down. Not only am I soaking wet and struggling for air, the person who threw the shot could care less and certainly doesn't offer me a towel. They are just oblivious as they get to excitedly collect their prize. I wipe the hair out of my eyes, situate myself back on the platform, and raise myself back up, just waiting for the next contestant to knock me down again. I can't speak for everyone, but for many women dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss, this is how it feels to witness the endless stream of pregnancies and families on a daily basis as you remain barren and unfulfilled. 

I'm pretty sure most women going through this are more of an emotional mess than their husbands. However, it's very hard on the husbands too. Even though they aren't crying in front of World Market, they are watching their wife become depressed at the flip of a switch, and it's got to feel a little helpless to experience this for months or years on end.  I'm sure this is even how friends of infertile people feel many times. It's hard finding the "right words" to make it all better, but it's those tough times that we just need someone to listen and be there when there are no words.

I am completely addicted to Hunter Hayes' new album,  and one of his songs "Cry With You" is about wanting to be there for someone in their difficult time. It's about being that friend or family member or spouse, watching someone go through something hard or going through it with them and just not having the words. To me, I have a select few people who have really been there for me the past couple years, and I couldn't help but think of them when I heard this song....and proceed to bawl my eyes out of course. I cannot listen to this song without crying.

Warning: GRAB YOUR TISSUES...

I think my husband could have written this song and dedicated it to me. He is just the most amazing husband I could have ever dreamed for....always seated right next to me on this crazy roller coaster, telling me it's going to be OK.

Needless to say, I cried again on the drive home yesterday. That's when I realized that this was partly a biological thing. Saturday was my last day of taking Provera and it had been more than 24 hours since my last pill. I'm guessing that my body was experiencing a drastic drop in progesterone, which is exactly what is supposed to be happening right now. Is this how PMS feels? I never had this before fertility treatments, but then again I never really had PMS either. I assume Aunt Flo will be making a visit in the next day or two.  Let's hope she does, so we can get this show on the road for our FET (frozen embryo transfer)!

I have an appointment with a rheumatologist this Wednesday, so I can ask questions about autoiummunity, blood clotting factors, pregnancy/loss and their relation to one another. I'm not sure he'll be well-versed on infertility or pregnancy related issues, but perhaps I can at least find out what my true risks are in relation to the "autoimmune issue" my hematologist says I have. Can we call it something? Can he test for Natural Killer cells or anti-thyroid antibodies? I mean what it this "issue" I'm dealing with anyways?

Assuming that Aunt Flo comes this week, I'll also be having my baseline ultrasound with Dr. Vaughn. As long as there are no ovarian cysts present (fingers crossed), we should be good to start our FET cycle, and I can begin taking YOU GUESSED IT... More hormones! lol

Lord, please let this cycle begin uneventfully and continue without any major hiccups. We've paid our dues. We have been faithful and as patient as possible. We're doing everything we can. We just really need this to work. I don't think I can endure another summer without good news.