Thursday, September 11, 2014

3 Week Flailings of a First Time Mom

Excuse my absence. It's been a tad busy around here. I've been reading others' blogs during pumping sessions, which is my only time to be online lately. Taking out my computer has been a challenge, but let's see if I can actually get a blog in.

The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind! Talk about not knowing which way is up or down. Our "plan" seems to change daily around here, constantly adapting to what might work or not work. I think we've moved our nursing glider about 4 times now, as well as other furniture and baby entertaining devices. It's like musical chairs for clueless first time parents.

Whoever invented the Fisher Price Rock n' Play deserves a Nobel Peace Prize, by the way. Our little guy is totally addicted to it, and against everything I said we wouldn't do, he's actually been sleeping in it in our room at night. We tried having him sleep in the bassinet of his Pack n' Play, but he's just not having that. We also had him sleep one night in his crib (upstairs in his nursery with camera monitoring). He did fantastic for one whole night and then he wasn't having that either the next night.

Ultimately, we've decided it's still really early to have him away on a complete different floor from us. He's only 3 weeks old, and we want him near us at night. However, the RNP is the only thing that seems to make him happy, so RNP it is for now. I realize I may have a beast to tend with later when transitioning to crib (which obviously doesn't vibrate or cozy him like the RNP), but it's anything to stay sane and get a couple hours of sleep for us right now. Pediatrician says it's totally fine, so guess we get a free pass on that one.

Other than that, our life is ruled by feedings, diaper changes, random meltdowns, and celebrations of poopy diapers after long stretches of grunting and kicking in a very dramatic effort to poo. My life specifically has been ruled by pumping, which I try to do 7 times each day. In fact, I made the decision to stop trying to breastfeed for now and switch to EP (Exclusive Pumping).

I mentioned earlier than I was using SNS (Supplemental Nursing System) feeding. This was because my milk was really late to come in (took 1 week for it to even show), and even then I wasn't producing 100% of Preston's needs. The SNS is a little contraption that you fill with formula, but then attach a tube to your breast with tape right near the nipple. It delivers formula via this tube, but the baby thinks it's just coming from your breast, so the risk of "nipple confusion" later on when you do decide to solely breastfeed is lessened, because he's always fed right at the breast. Here is a pic of what that looked like...

When I didn't want to strangle myself with the SNS

Awe, don't we look so serene? DO NOT BELIEVE THIS PICTURE!!! LOL  Seriously though, this was during our "honeymoon phase" with the SNS while in the hospital. What you don't see is what ensued in the 2 weeks that followed this photo...of me and Preston and dad (yes, it took 3 people to make this work many times) awake at 2 AM feedings, getting the formula ready, attaching it to mom exactly right, getting baby in position on the breast friend pillow without making me gasp in pain from my C section incision, getting him to latch on to this tiny floppy spaghetti noodle tube taped to my boob, making sure it was aligned with his chin so that it was actually flowing correctly, and then him proceeding to fall asleep at nearly every feeding, at which time I would try every trick in the book to wake him (blowing on him, undressing him, caressing him, you name it) to keep him eating, and then try to keep the device working properly the entire time as the noodle flopped out or was yanked out by someone's curiously strong little hands. It was a giant PITA!

I really tried to make the SNS work, but it was NOT a long term solution, and my body wasn't upping it's game on the production front quickly enough. I also hoped I'd be able to solely breastfeed, but it just didn't click like I'd hoped. I met with 3 different lactation consultants while in hospital and had a really great one come to our home for a 3.5 hr visit afterwards. She put me on a "triple feeding" routine in an attempt to increase milk supply fast, where every 2-3 hours I would

1) feed Preston with the SNS, while simultaneously using manual stimulation of my own breast to make sure he was also getting breast milk along with the formula
2) pump with hospital grade pump for 10-15 minutes afterwards
3) hand express for 5 minutes after that


You guys, I did this routine 7-10 times per day for 2 solid weeks, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I saw some slight increases in my pumping amounts, but due to the fact Preston was also drinking some from the breast, I really had no clue how much I was actually making or delivering on any given day. It felt like I was giving formula all the time through the SNS and it was not an easy process. I was MISERABLE. I was not enjoying feedings like I should have been, and I'm sure Preston wasn't either.  We decided that we needed something simpler.

For me, the goal of breastfeeding has always been more about the nutritional aspects for baby than it was about the bonding (I know, opposite of many moms). However, I really felt like I could bond with baby better if I was A) happier and more relaxed and B) I had the time to do it. I wasn't having any time to just hold baby much after feedings, and snuggle and just be together. And so after many tears and discussions, hubby and I agreed that I'd try EP instead. This meant no more floppy spaghetti noodle taped to my boob. No more failed attempts at satiating baby at the breast alone, followed by cries for more food. Instead, I would just do my best to pump as much breast milk as I could. We would deliver through bottles (which would allow hubby to take on some responsibility of feedings too) and then we'd just supplement with formula when we had to.

So far, pumping is working much better for us. I won't lie. EP comes with it's own set of challenges. There is still zero down time. I don't work, and while this might seem easier, I can't take a "break" in a quiet room to pump and am not protected by any law stating I am allowed to take a break. I'm by no means saying working moms have it any easier, just saying I can't ever get away to pump, unless hubby offers to watch baby and/or he's sleeping. Baby always needs something, and only with the help of my amazing hubby to take on baby duties, it's made possible.

I really want to give Preston the very best I can, so I'm trying my best to stick with it.
I can't make any promises how long this will all last though. As I type this, I am already an hour overdue to pump, have just fed Preston, and he's strapped to my chest via his Baby Bjorn, because it was the only thing that would make him happy at the moment. Unfortunately, there are no holes for pumping in this carrier, so time will tick by until I do get a free moment to pump next. I actually enjoy just holding him more than pumping anyways, so I'm happy for the excuse to miss a pump on occasion.

Additionally, I'm not even sure how long I'll choose to pump, because the other clock that is ticking is my biological clock. We won't be able to TTC until my period returns, which will most likely never happen while pumping this much. If/when we decide to TTC naturally or pursue fertility treatments again, the pumping will have to cease altogether.

Speaking of clocks, here is a snapshot of what our day looked like yesterday just to give you an idea of what goes down on a daily basis...


11:00 PM- Bottle of breastmilk (57 mL)
10:45 PM- Wet diaper
10:25 PM- Wet diaper
9:50 PM- Bottle of breastmilk (60 mL)
9:45 PM- Pumping (100 mL)
9:30 PM- Wet diaper
9:00 PM- Wet & dirty diaper
8:35 PM- Bottle of breasmilk (120 mL)
8:30 PM- Wet diaper
7:00 PM- Pumping (110 mL)
6:30 PM- Wet diaper
5:55 PM- Bottle of breastmilk (120 mL)

3:40 PM- Wet & dirty diaper
3:35 PM- Wet & dirty diaper
3:20 PM- Bottle of breatsmilk (128 mL)
3:15 PM- Pumping  (110 mL)

12:15 PM- Bottle of breastmilk (90 mL)
11:35 AM- Pumping (90 mL)

11:20 AM- Wet diaper
10:45 AM- Wet diaper
10:00 AM- Bottle of breastmilk (120 mL)
10:00 AM- Wet diaper
8:00 AM- Pumping (120 mL)

7:30 AM- Wet diaper
7:05 AM- Bottle of breastmilk (120 mL)
5:40 AM- Wet diaper
5:20 AM-Bottle of breastmilk (80 mL)

5:20 AM- Wet diaper
3:45 AM- Pumping (100 mL)

3:20 AM- Bottle of breastmilk (60 mL)
3:15 AM- Wet diaper
12:45 AM- Pumping (125 mL)
12:45 AM- Bottle of formula (128 mL)


Phew! Anyone tired just reading this?!?! It's just me and hubby flying solo here, so no rest for the weary! This day I'm happy to say we were able to give mostly breastmilk, because we did more formula the day before, and I had extra breastmilk stockpiling in the fridge. I would love to give this much breastmilk every day, but I'm always racing to pump more. Outside of carving out time, my body has just needed a lot of extra help to do this it seems.

Apparently, some women with fertility issues also have trouble with milk production, and I'm thinking it's plausible I might be one of them. Sure, I'm producing more now, but it's taken a village and whole lotta work, and it hasn't just happened naturally like it's supposed to. I haven't had my prolactin tested to find out if it's hormonal....I need another "to do" like I need a hole in the head if you can't tell. Honestly, I'm really not interested in traveling down a path of having a bunch of blood tests done to figure out what the real culprit is in this. 

What I'm able to get now is exponentially greater than it was at first though. I'm taking supplements religiously to try to help increase my supply, like fenugreek, blessed thistle, and nursing tea...


I'm now making about 2/3 of what Preston needs at this point, and we're giving less formula than we were before.  I'm still striving to make enough for 100% of his needs, which is no small feat as this milk monster's appetite grows leaps and bounds. I'm pretty sure he's having a growth spurt this week, but I'm not giving up as of yet. Now yesterday, when I woke up to blisters on my nipples...I was ready to just throw in the towel and quit altogether! It's easy to feel defeated when you are in pain or things aren't playing out the way you'd envisioned them. But then, I tweaked a few things (bought larger flanges, did some first aid on the nips, started using nipple butter again at each pumping, etc) and I was right back to pumping.

As for formula, that's been a challenge in and of itself.
Preston's tummy doesn't agree as well with it, and we are now on formula attempt #5. We've tried several to see what works at the advice of our pediatrician and many other moms out there. None of them settle as well as breastmilk, but Similac Alimentum seems to be the best for us so far. Of course, we may need to take out a second mortgage to afford this stuff. Cha-Ching! Gotta be the most expensive formula you can possibly buy. Figures! We've also added Culturelle probiotic to one bottle daily and are using infant gas drops with formula feedings. Still nothing works 100%, but we'll keep trying to ease his discomfort the best we can. When you see your baby in pain from gassiness or trying to poo, it's all you can do to try to fix it.

I never thought I'd be so affected by someone else's bowel movements, but it's like a 4th of July celebration around here when Preston has a good poop! He's happier, we're happier. I swear, even the cats are happier, because he's not fussing and crying. I really look forward to his digestive system normalizing more, which I understand usually happens by about 3 months. I'm assuming that the farting will not stop there though, and that I have many years of boy farts to look forward to.

As crazy as it's been, I've got to say I'm proud of us as a couple. We really have no clue what we're doing, but we're making it work. We've somehow managed to keep a clean home, feed ourselves, and make sure our animals are still alive as well. CPS has not come and arrested us yet, and our baby is eating and pooping and gaining weight (Preston was 9 lbs. 2 oz. at his 2 week apt, up from 8 lbs. 8 oz. at birth)...he's got to be over 10 lbs by now. I keep reminding myself that if the millions of idiots out there can raise a kid, then so can we!

Plus, all of the hectic moments just melt away when we look at the sweet face of this little boy who depends on us for every little thing. He has such a sweet personality already, and makes us laugh at the smallest of things, like his soft high pitched wimpers when he's tired or the way he attacks a bottle like a caveman when he's hungry. Here are a couple snaps over the last couple of weeks...


First bath at home

Snoozing right now as I blog
Snuggle attire...check!
First walk around the neighborhood. Fresh air!

41 comments:

  1. You look amazing, Emily and Preston is just about the cutest thing EVER! I'm bummed to hear that nursing has been so difficult, but like you said, it unfortunately seems to be pretty normal for infertile women. : ( Hoping the milk continues to come in and that you can take at least a brief hiatus from the formula if only for your checkbook! Lots of love to you and the little man!

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    1. Thanks Amanda! I keep telling myself that the formula will be nothing compared to a hungry teenager, so get used to it now.

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    2. I'm sure... my brother used to eat ENTIRE BOXES of cereal every morning for breakfast... can you imagine? Sounds like Mr Preston is off to a good start.

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  2. I have been exclusively pumping since my baby was 3 days old and she is now six months old, I feel your pain! Just an FYI, the quality of your fenugreek makes a huge difference. I used the kind that you have pictured and it didn't work for me. I then bought an expensive bottle from a health food store (about $30) and it worked very well to increase supply. Guinness beer also helps so give it a try if you're a beer drinker! It does get better eventually :)

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    1. Congrats to you for going so long already. Good to know on the fenugreek too. I almost bought more expensive stuff, so maybe next time!

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  3. Aw he is so so cute!!! You look amazing also!! I'm sorry to hear the breast feeding hasn't turned out quite like you had hope or expected but it sounds like you know that you just gotta do what works best :) Hugs to you!

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  4. I am very aware of your exhaustion Emily! I had the same problems with Henry, We also did the SNS and after a while trying to do it at home I just couldn't take it. I basically formula fed and gave breast because he was such a good latcher, I loved the feeling and I felt good about giving him something vs nothing. When I became really good at it I had to go back to work so things went downhill from there as I had a low supply the whole time and pumping wasn't helping me either. I wish you so much luck, your doing fantastic and look great. No matter what happens your feeding him the best way you know how doesn't matter if its breast of formula. I have a very healthy, happy (and tall) toddler these days. That newborn time goes quickly, enjoy every cuddle! He is so precious I can't stand it! :)

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    1. Man, just when you were getting good. I totally sympathize with working moms. I know we each have our own hurdles to jump, but you are right...just feeding them the best way we can possible. Glad to your little one is doing awesome!

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  5. You look fantastic! And Preston is just the cutest!

    EP sounds really hard. You are such a trooper! I totally agree with you that holding the baby for some quality snuggles is way better than anything else :)

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    1. Snuggle-a-thon over here for sure. Since I'm not BF'ing, I've got to make up for it with other things. Love him in my baby bjorn right next to my chest and our naps with him on my chest...favorite times.

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  6. Holy smokes! Now I understand your text! This probably doesn't mean much, but so proud of you!!! Most mommas would just quit! I love your determination!!!! I've had so many mom friends go through similar problems (with breast feeding), but they all say how much better it gets - so just know these are the hard days! I can't believe how many diapers - I thought it was like 7-8 a day, but whew!!! No wonder you are so exhausted. So glad Matt is home to help!! Even better you got to get outside and go on a walk, that is great! Take care of yourself - great hearing from you xoxo He is a cutttieee!

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    1. hahaha! Thank you so much for the encouraging words Caroline. I wish it was only 7-8 diapers a day. This one likes to go right after we change him sometimes, and we change him immediately so he doesn't sit in it...even throughout the night, so we go through a lot. I went ahead and signed up for scheduled mailings of 210 count diapers through amazon! lol

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  7. First of all he is getting big and more adorable. You are one busy momma! I mean everyone tries to tell you is not easy but it seems like you are finally getting the hang of it.

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    1. Totally agree. Everyone says, "Get your sleep now." Well, they weren't kidding! You'll learn soon enough Jo Jo!

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  8. Woah!! You are a busy mama and he's a cutie! Glad you're finding what works for you.

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  9. We have had such similar experiences Emily!!! Wow, it took me right back!! I did 2/3 breastmilk and I third formula and at five months was 100% breastmilk. It's so hard and no one told me how much stress affected my supply so am glad you are making decisions to reduce stress as that's the best for everyone!! The guilt and the tears associated with things not going to plan can be really hard. I ended up seeing a counsellor at about 5 months and it wS so amazing as I needed the biggest debrief of my life. 11 months on, it's hard to believe but I had forgotten that I had written diwn every feed time and amount for months! It's such a crazy time. But those moments of peace looking at your bubs (when you eyes stay open!) are so special. Oh and another thing re c sections- they advise 12 months before getting pregnant again. That's in a perfect world but I did have a friend who got pregnant 5 months after c section and had issues with her uterus. But just enjoy now and try to live in the moment as you are doing an incredible incredible job mumma!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️

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    1. Thanks for sharing that with me. Yeah, I really think stress affects how much you produce, and also SLEEP! As soon as I started getting more sleep (from less time messing with that SNS) my supply increased.

      My OB recommended 12 months for a re-c section as well, but he specified 12 months to deliver, so he said I could get pregnant 3-4 months after birth and be fine. He said 18 months if I wanted to try for VBAC. Realistically though, the chances of me getting pregnant so fast are small. When AF likes to take a break on me, she isn't always easy to come back for a visit. She left for 3 years at one point, so I'm just thinking ahead to plan for time for the ole bod to just normalize before we even really start TTC'ing.

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  10. P.s it gets so much easier, this is definitely the most hectic time. Honestly, you are doing an amazing job and you (like me) will be so proud of yourself as you see him growing info a beautiful boy!!! He is absolutely gorgeous!!

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  11. You have my complete props for pumping. I hated pumping, Ugh....hats off to you, mama! For real!
    Beautiful bebe! congrats!!!!

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    1. Can use all the props and cheerleading you're willing to give. Thank you so much!

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  12. First of all, he is adorable and secondly, you look Ah-May-Zing! Seriously! Anywho...I am so sorry breastfeeding hasn't turned out like you had hoped it would but I just love your determination! You go girl!! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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    1. You are too kind Elisha. Here I thought I look like a total frumpmonster, but didn't care and posted anyways. Thanks for making me feel less frumpy!

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  13. Girl, I'm right there with you! EP is hard work!!! Sometimes my breasts feel like they are going to explode if I don't pump right then!! And if Rae's awake, ugh! It's hard work, but I am so proud of you for doing it!!! Keep at it! You are giving your baby the best you can! :)

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    1. I've only had a couple times when they felt as though they were about to burst...when I've gone like 5 or 6 hours in between. I hate it when that happens, because I really have to stick with every 3 hours or I can't keep up at all with his demand...esp. during this growth spurt we're clearly having. He's a total milk monster this past couple days!

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  14. First, you look amazing and are just glowing, mama!! Second, could Preston be any cuter?! And third, the Rock n Play totally saved our lives for the first couple of months!!! And luckily we had no problem transitioning the boys to their cribs a few weeks ago :)

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    1. Two cheers for the RNP! Good to know you had no problems transitioning to crib. Very reassuring!

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  15. I've been waiting for an update...glad to hear you are doing well! You look great and Preston is adorable!!! You are doing amazing with pumping...keep it up! We used the Rock N Play as well for about 4 months...it was a life saver!! After that we transitioned to a pack n play in our room and eventually the crib. As far as sleep goes, it will get easier!

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    1. That is what I need to hear, so thank you. I know it will get easier. Some nights are better than others. Oh, I look forward to him sleeping just 4 or 5 hours straight. Even that would be glorious!

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  16. You look so good and he is so cute! Keep up the good work mama! Hoping Preston's tummy issues ease up soon!

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    1. Thanks Shay. We already notice a difference since switching to the Alimentum formula as supplementation, but damn, babies have some gas issues that could rival grown men! He's been better the past 24 hours. :)

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  17. Well don't you look like a million bucks with that smile on your face!! Love seeing that! Preston is an absolute doll! I'm sorry for the nursing struggles, but you guys sound like you are handling everything in stride like the rock star parents you are!! xoxo

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    1. Doing the best we can and that's all any of us can do, right? Think I'm smiling so big because I'd forgotten what fresh air smelled like! And yes, that little doll I'm oushing around too.

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  18. You're doing awesome mama!! He's a cutie!

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    1. Thank you Amber! You are such a sweet friend, always patting me on the back. :)

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  19. Many things about us are so similar!

    I second your nomination for the inventor of the RNP to get a Nobel prize. He deserves it.

    That photo of you with the SNS tube really brought back some memories for me! Wow. That was so stressful for me in the hospital, with the tubes, and the tape, and positioning her just right... but then of course she'd flail and cry and ruin all my hard work. Whew! It was awful. I feel your frustration on that.

    I don't know why, I've always been convinced that you had to choose - BF or formula. I'm really glad I read this because you opened my eyes by doing the combo method... my supply has decreased DRAMATICALLY since going back to work, and yes I've been using the Fenugreek and the tea, but between stress and being away from her 10 hours per day, I just don't have a lot of confidence that I'll get it back. I've been really depressed about it, but knowing that supplementing doesn't mean I have to stop completely really helps (such a silly thing, I know, but I really did feel like I'd be "judged" for giving her formula at all). Anyway... thanks for writing this. It came at a really good time for me. You sound like you two are really getting into a groove, and you look seriously amazing. Good job all around, mama!

    One last thing - have you heard of getting a prescription for Reglan to increase your supply? My sister in law just mentioned it to me today. I wasn't sure what the consensus was, and you seem pretty well informed :)

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    1. So happy you popped over here! Def doesn't have to be all or nothing as far as using formula. I know how you feel about the guilt. I try to remind myself that if choosing to use some formula is the worst thing I'm doing, then I should give myself a pass...and so should you if you need to.

      I have heard of using Reglan, although I don't know how easily docs hand it out for low supply. I also haven't researched side effects, etc. i would really love not to he taking another prescription if possible personally. There is also domperidone, which is not rx'ed here in US as far as I know. I'm told it can br ordered online though. I just haven't ventured down those paths. Trying to keep it natural here. It's very personal though, so ask your doc about it if you feel you need to explore those options.

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  20. Domperidone works! I induced lactation and I took it for months. It doesn't have any side effects and it's even given to babies who have stomach issues. I ordered it online but you may also be able to get it from a compounding pharmacy. Stay away from Reglan.

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  21. Have you tried mixing half formula and half breastmilk? My supply took a huge hit after I got the stomach flu when my daughter was 6 months old. I was able to limp along with breastfeeding and using my frozen milk supply until she was 9 months old. At that point I started mixing half breastmilk and half formula in her bottles. She took them fine and didn't seem to get gassy or have any other issues with the formula. Just an idea. Babies are not easy and there is no instructions book that comes with them! Good luck and way to keep at it with the EP!

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