Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Proof of Heaven

Why do bad things happen to good people? Why is there evil in this world? Is there really even a God??

I've never been shy about struggles in my life. It hasn't been a walk in the park by any stretch of the imagination. But then again, who's life is? My father was an absent alcoholic for most of my life. He was an addict with an uncontrollable temper when he drank. My first significant memories around age 3 & 4 were of my dad beating my mom during heated late night arguments. She used to climb into bed with my sister and I afterwards, because she knew he wouldn't come after her there.

When there was an argument downstairs which escalated into violence, my sister and I would watch him beat her from the top of the staircase through the rungs on the banister, frightened for my mom's life. I will never forget the time he was in a complete rage, ripped the downstairs toilet right out of the floor and hurled it across the living room at her. I remember my mom calling the police, who proceeded to arrest him. I cried the whole time pleading with them "Don't take my daddy!" As much as he hurt my mom, I didn't want my dad to be taken away.

Needless to say, the upstairs bathroom was off limits, because he grew pot in there, and now no toilet downstairs either. Fun stuff. I was witness to more drug deals (pot & cocaine), smoke sessions, beer runs and nights at the bar by the age of 4 than some people experience in their college years. Eventually, my mom had enough and divorced my dad. I would not see my father again until age 9, and didn't even know where he lived. He later told me he became homeless during this time.

At age 6, my mom remarried; She was a bartender (going to college at the time) and married one of her customers. He was a much better provider, a Chief Master Sargeant Air Force, and basically whisked us away to live in Florida where things were less chaotic. However, he was also an alcoholic. As the first couple years went by, the honeymoon period dwindled and the arguments became more regular. Once again, the black cloud of fear was back and seemed never to leave. I will never forget the time my step-dad threw a chair right through our giant kitchen window and shattered it into a million pieces. Rules were a plenty and I was constantly walking on eggshells, scared of making one false move in that house, or asking for anything that required $$. I didn't want to be the cause of a fight about credit cards.

By age 13, I was so miserable at home, that my sister and I tried living with my real father back in St. Louis. At the time, he and his new wife had one toddler and announced a couple months after we had moved in that they were expecting #2. I should add that it was already 5 of us living in a converted apartment with 1 bathroom, built on top of an old barn. Yes, a barn! My sister and I shared a "bedroom", which was basically drywall with tape and mud (no paint) and no ceiling. Let's just say I never felt completely welcome and it lasted less than 1 year before I moved back to FL with my mom and step-dad.

During HS, my real father was diagnosed with MDS (myelodisplastic syndrome) and cancer. He underwent treatment for 7 years and passed away in 2001, 1 semester before I graduated college. By then my mom had been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer and was battling cancer as well. She also fought it for seven years before losing her battle. Unbelievably, my step-father was also diagnosed with colon cancer during the last year of my mom's life and never recovered fully from surgery to remove it (his liver and bodily systems were totally diseased from so much alcohol and poor lifestyle habits). My step-father passed first and then my mom 6 months later in 2005.

Of course I did have plenty of happy memories. There were A LOT of things my mom did for us as kids that proved what a spirited, creative, caring, and loving mom she truly was. I think she just had a knack for picking bad mates and might have had an undiagnosed mental issue, but besides that she was a great mom. She didn't have the easiest start to life either, but more on that later.

If you are still reading GOD BLESS YOU! I wasn't intending to pour out the condensed biography of Emily, but I warned you early on my blog is my free form of therapy!  Things got much better once the grief of losing my mom subsided slightly. I married the most amazing man in the world, and we started a new life together. It really has been the best time of my life since then, up until the point I was diagnosed with infertility about 2 years ago and this whole ridiculous TTC journey started.

One of the reasons I so desperately want to start a family is that I don't have much family left. The other is that I want a chance to raise my own children the way they are supposed to be raised, in a safe, loving, open and fun environment. I want to feel the joy of a having my own children and give them the love they deserve in a family they are proud to be part of. Of course, there is also that innate desire to have children that billions of people over the past countless number of centuries have been born with... I guess I was just born with the desire to have children like everyone else.

Why then must it be so damn hard? Through each pregnancy loss, I have begged the question of God "WHY???" Through every invasive appointment, every painful shot, and every hard earned dollar spent, I've asked "WHY???" And when I don't seem to get an answer my questions turn into, "Is there really a God at all? Do I even believe in God (as described in the Bible) anymore?" Some days I seriously doubt my faith.

I mean, I have come to terms with the fact that I had a shitty family life growing up, but will it ever truly be "happily ever after?" Ok, forget happily ever after. I don't even believe in that, but how about just NORMAL?  I would give anything for normal, average, or anything not involving medical treatments. It just feels like STRUGGLE has been such a common theme for way too long. When you feel like you are doing everything right, yet you're being punished or tested for no reason day in and day out...when you can't seem to be blessed with the one thing in life you want and everyone else has, WHY???

As you know, I've been doing my best not to be soooo focused on fertility things recently. I haven't been on infertility forums for days and I'm trying to make it more than 24 hours without discussing treatment with my husband. Yes, that is actually progress. Yesterday, I was in search of a book to distract me and to give me some hope that I AM still in God's hands and that He hasn't totally forsaken me...or at minimum that He really exists. Sorry, but I was just needing something other than reading a bunch of Bible verses.

I came upon Proof of Heaven and am so glad I did...



It moved me in a way I needed to be moved...just a tiny bit closer to God. It's not a religious book, but more of an account; A true story of one man's near death experience and journey into the afterlife. He was in a coma for a full 7 days with a rare form of bacterial meningitis. Ironically, he is a neurosurgeon himself, and prior to experiencing this, was the biggest skeptic on near death experiences out there, not to mention a skeptic of God's existence and spirituality altogether.

Dr. Alexander gives one of the most unique perspectives I have ever read, outlining the most descriptive account of what Heaven really looks and feels like from someone who's actually been there, along with plenty of evidence for why this couldn't just be his brain playing tricks on him while he was "asleep." He should not have survived the coma at all, and telling this story became his life's mission after his recovery.

He speaks of the opportunity to actually ask God himself why there is evil in the world. God's response?

That Evil is necessary because without it free will is impossible, and without free will there could be no growth-no forward movement, no chance for us to become what God longs for us to be. Horrible and all powerful as evil sometimes seems to be in a world like ours, in the larger picture love is overwhelmingly dominant, and it would ultimately be triumphant.

I know a few people might be rolling their eyes out there. For me though, there were just a lot of messages like this I needed to hear. Some messages I've heard before, but hearing them in a different way was helpful...as a reminder if nothing else that God is real and that struggle happens for a reason. That life does exist after our life here on Earth. That our loved ones are watching from above and helping to protect us. That everything we are going through here on Earth is for a reason, even if we don't understand it at the time. It's part of the growing process. It makes us who we are and what we're meant to become.

30 comments:

  1. If you are ever looking for another book to read, might I recommend When Bad Things Happen to Good People. It has really been helping me understand why we are also having to go through so many struggles and failures to get to our goal of having a child. Good luck as you continue your journey!

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    1. I will definitely do that! It really is such a hard thing to come to terms with, so I can use all the supplemental reading on the topic I can get. Thanks so much for the comment and recommendation. Wishing you all the best with your journey as well!

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  2. xxxxx's-
    Thinking of you- not much for words today-but you are in my prayers- I pray that He speaks to you in a new way this week-.

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    1. Thanks Megz. I thought of every woman out there who has experienced loss, including you, as I was reading this book.

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  3. Emily, What an amazing testimony you have! God has turned your story of ashes into beauty! (Isaiah 61). Thanks for sharing as I'm sure that is not easy. I'm glad you found some peace by reading that book. That is a great quote you mentioned and reminds me of James 1:2-4 - When we face trials, we grow so much in all aspects of life! Beautiful post and thanks for sharing your heart!

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    1. PS, I don't want to draw attention back to me, but go to the trial label on my blog and the "fairness, joyful no matter what, waiting room, habukkuk etc" posts all really help me when I have those questions of Why?!

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    2. Thank you so much for the verses and for the blog info. I will definitely check out that section of your blog!

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  4. I'm so glad you shared your childhood story. We all come from such different places, yet the same and I now understand how we all connect so well here. I have also struggled with religion, especially these past few years trying to understand why so much has gone wrong in my life, yet still looking at my wonderful husband, job and family I have left to try and reconcile how much has also gone right. It's like a constant battle in my head. I hope that the break from infertility is doing your soul some good. Big, big hugs, my friend.

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    1. Indeed Suzanne. So many other things we have as a couple to be thankful for. I certainly never lose sight of that! I guess it's just in our nature to want more. In our case having children is just different than any other thing we have ever wanted. You are right, such a back and forth in my brain between trying to stay grateful and seeking an answer to the unfairness of this struggle.

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  5. Wow, Emily... Your post brought me to tears. For all that you've been through in the past... my goodness... you've overcome SO much. I know that you'll overcome this, too. I'm so glad that you have such a wonderful and supportive husband. Like you, I've also struggled with religion and faith since learning of my infertility. It's hard to grasp an understanding as to why God would allow good people not to be able to have babies. I'm definitely going to check out that book! xoxo

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    1. You my friend are one amazing woman your damn self! You are very lucky to be so close to your mom and that she's living, but at the same time you have been through even more than me on the infertility front. YOU are the one walking through it, and you are still going strong. I really feel like you are on the brink of success, and I hope you are right...that I will overcome this too!

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  6. I have been struggling with the same questions. I have heard of the book before, but not in the detail you mentioned. Thank you for sharing your story and speaking of the book. I will definitely check it out.

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    1. I think you will like it. Hopefully it will help you to feel more content as well.

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  7. I can relate to so much of your story and how you've been feeling, and I'm so glad to see this post today. First, GOOD FOR YOU for coming out on top after all of that. I'm sure it wasn't easy to take a better path than your parents did and to not follow the examples set for you. Still, I know that for me, I sometimes wonder, "Why did I bother fighting to rise above all the awfulness in my past if the other members of my family that didn't still get everything they want? Why did I avoid drugs and alcoholism just to be the only one who can't get pregnant?" This journey has made me question God many times, because I tend to think, "Ok..haven't I been through enough? Don't you have anyone else to pick on?" Luckily, I always come back to my belief that it isn't all for nothing. I just don't know what it's all for yet. Still, it's changed the way I pray and the things I believe. I think I'll check that book out!

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    1. YES!!! Don't you have anyone else to pick on is right! You hit the nail on the head....have felt that way so many days. And I don't know that God is picking on me necessarily, but it sure does feel that way. It's like, "Haven't I learned enough lessons yet?"

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  8. Emily! I never knew any of this… I think we shared lives there for a while! I have an alcoholic father too! I have the SAME memories about stairs at night… how crazy! And my mother made/makes terrible male companion choices too… drugs then alcohol then more alcohol! I feel you on ALL of it!

    Infertility, plus my childhood, plus life in general have definitely given me places where I wonder. I have lots of questions. I have lots of issues with His plan. I don't have it all figured out AT ALL, but somewhere along the line, I just decided that I was going to pick all of my questions and issues up, strap them on my back and carry them straight to those Golden Gates. I'm hoping we can have a little chat sometime during eternity. : )

    I'm glad that there are good things in your life these days. It seems to me that you've experienced enough bad in your life, you should have a whole, whole lot of good. (I'll make sure to ask Him why you got stuck with infertility on top of everything else too!) Hoping that He will draw you and I closer to Him in the days, weeks, months and years ahead!

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    1. I absolutely love that picture...strapping all of my questions up on my back and carrying them straight to the pearly gates. I never was known to pack lightly either. Haha!

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  9. Em, thank you so much for sharing your childhood story. You are definitely one strong woman. Alcoholism is something hard to bare as a child. Especially in a father bc they tend to become aggressive. Although my childhood didn't take the same direction as yours it's sad to think my father was one of those men. I have a scar on my left ankle of when he threw a glass vase at the door and I was the lucky one who broke the vases fall. Lately I have been questioning my faith. It's hard for me to pray to find the courage to step into Gods home. Thank u for giving me a little of my faith back. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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    1. Well sharing is worth it. It helps me to get things out and hopefully in some small way it can help someone reading too. It really is amazing how resilient kids are, but it's also clear to me how much things that happened in the earliest childhood years still affect us in some ways. I'm glad you turned out to be the amazing woman you are today too!

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  10. Wow Emily. I think it was very brave of you to share this story. I can't imagine everything you have been through. You have turned out to be such a strong woman with a positive outlook. Infertility has also made me question my faith, like many other commenters. Maybe I should check out the book you recommended! Thanks for sharing your story

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    1. Well lots of people out there have been through worse. I'm sure the child you are adopting from Kenya will not be coming from much of a privileged life, and you will be their saving grace. The book was a nice reminder to stay faithful...only took one day to read.

      BTW- What happened to your blog? Did you delete it? I can't access it anymore and wanted to support you through the adoption process. Hope you are doing well. :)

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  11. I think a lot of us have similar hopes of overcoming our past to be better parents than our parents were, or to provide a more stable life at least. From what I've read about you I truly think you will be successful in that endeavor.

    I was questioning my faith long before we were TTC, and I have to say infertility and everything we've been through since has stamped it out completely. I wish I had the comfort of knowing it was all for a reason, that there is some mysterious plan I don't know about, and everything will turn out right in the end, but I just can't think that way anymore. Sometimes I'm jealous of those who can.

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    1. Oh, I know what you mean about wishing you could have a stronger faith like others out there. My faith has disappeared for years at a time before, but I always seem to come back to God. The last time I completely lost faith in God (during my college years) it wasn't until years later that God even crossed my mind again. I had completely blocked faith out of the picture. It's sad, but it wasn't until something GOOD (my husband) came into my life that my faith started to return. It wasn't until infertility struck that I started to question it again. My hope is that something good will happen for you and I both and that our faith in the goodness of God will return full force and we'll somehow see what all of this struggle was there for all along.

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  12. Wow, your post brought tears to my eyes several different times. You are amazing. I have often wondered if I'm being "punished" for something. It's so frustrating. You are in my thoughts and I completely understand taking a step away from infertility, thinking about treatments, or chatting on the forums. It's hard but necessary to take that step away. Books looks interesting- I'll have to check that out!

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    1. Awe, I'm glad you were moved by the post. Knowing your personality, I think you'd like the book Sarah. Not sure if you own an iPad, but I downloaded it on iBooks for only $4.99....on sale right now. :)

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    2. Thanks for the info! I have a school issued iPad which I have to give back next week so I'll have to shell out the money for a hard copy. I miss you and hope you are doing well! I'm eagerly awaiting an update of your progress by some means. :)

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  13. Wow Em! Very powerful post! I am so sorry for all you've been through, but incredibly proud of you rising above everything, picking an amazing spouse, and being a functional adult. The IF just absolutely sucks and is so unfair and I don't blame you for taking a break. However I do believe your story is not done and just like you had to go through years of hell to have the awesome life you do now, you will win the IF war and get the family you so deserve. *hugs*

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  14. Wow lady. That is an incredible post. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story. God is doing incredible things through you, and I am so sorry you're dealing with the wretchedness of infertility. I'm hoping and praying that your sweet family comes to you soon!

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  15. Wow! You are so incredibly strong and brave to share so much of yourself on your blog. I'm glad I got the opportunity to read it. To understand you even more. And to see yet so many more similarities between us. I'm so sorry for all of the struggles you've been through. Even though it sucks, it has made you the amazing woman that you are. Hugs to you my friend!

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  16. You are so very strong and been through more than I could ever imagine someone going through to be where you are now. I'm so sorry for all that you have been through. I can only imagine that you have helped someone if not many people who might have been going through the very same thing, and you have probably helped someone without even knowing it just by talking about it :) I think that is what links all of us together is being able to help and support each other. I haven't read this book yet but I will for sure add it to my list. One book I did read that was really good was Heaven is For Real by Todd Burpo. If you have time you may enjoy that one also :) This whole IF process is a struggle and this blog support system is what keeps my spirits up for sure :)

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