Thursday, September 12, 2013

Pregnancy Loss #3 :(

Today we received word that I am "barely pregnant", and not for long. Blood test revealed:

hCG= 6
progesterone= 8
estrogen= 64

Looks like we can assume this will be our third pregnancy loss. I guess when we entered into this cycle I was thinking that the third time (our 3rd IVF transfer) would be the charm! Well, this third time is definitely NOT the charm.

The past week has felt a bit strange. Friday evening (3dpt) I felt some extremely sharp pains followed by some strange fluttering in my far left lower abdomen (identical to what I felt last time with my ectopic pregnancy). As I lay in bed, I even thought quietly to myself "Um, that felt uncomfortably familiar. I really hope that was either a normal implantation or just gas." I know people rarely actually feel implantation, but I definitely felt it during my last ectopic pregnancy.

Then, I had fleeting and re-appearing signs of what were "maybe pregnancy-like." I tried to ignore them and attributed the super sore nipples coming and going, along with fluctuations in breast size to just being the fertility meds. However, what wasn't typical was how they would come and go day in and day out. The only other time this happened was during my ectopic pregnancy. Like one day I'd wake up with sore boobs, and twelve hours later it's completely gone, and then low and behold it comes back....very inconsistent.

I'm not saying this is ectopic. It shouldn't be, right? I mean, isn't that WHY we moved to IVF in the first place...to avoid the ectopic nightmare we experienced when we did IUI? That is the whole reason for taking the fallopian tubes out of the picture....only 1-2% of people will experience ectopic pregnancy during IVF. I'm sure I'm just reading into everything too much and speculating unnecessarily. Praying with everything I've got that this is a normal early miscarriage and not an ectopic repeat. Yes, I actually just said I hope this is a "normal miscarriage." Sometimes I can't believe this is my life, but I guess it is.

Either way...early miscarriage or ectopic, it's another loss of life and my heart is broken. I had become so attached to the picture of those two seemingly perfect little embryos that were taped to my kitchen backsplash next to our prayer for them, especially the little hatching one. It just seems more real when you can see that process taking place for some reason.

I feel like my body is so broken right now. Sperm and egg seem to be perfectly happy together until they enter my body. It is just the most deflating feeling in the whole entire world to feel you can't do the one thing women are put on earth to do. Animals of every living species don't seem to have a problem with the one thing I can't do. I feel broken, and flawed, and like I may not ever be fixable.

I've tried my best not to ask this question in a pathetic, begging way to God, but I can't help it right now....


Why God, WHY? Will I ever understand why this has to be so hard? I feel like I have almost wrapped my brain around infertility and the lessons we are supposed to learn, but why give someone something if you're just going to take it right back away?

I'll do a repeat hCG test on Monday to make sure the number is decreasing to zero. Praying that my instincts from Friday night were wrong (that this isn't ectopic) and that my zero comes right away with the next test. Then, we have yet another "WTF appointment" set with our RE Monday afternoon. I already have 3 pages worth of questions to ask. In the meantime, I'll be here trying to set the world record for chocolate chip cookie eating. Ugh, I hate these feelings of defeat, heartache, and having to start all over again.

41 comments:

  1. This post breaks my heart. It certainly was not the outcome I was so desperately hoping and praying for you. I was actually checking in on your blog around the same time you were posting this...I guess I was just thinking about you. I wish more than anything that you weren't going through this, because it's not fair. Infertility begone, because we've had enough.

    I will be keeping you in my thoughts and sending lots of love your way. I know how hard all of this is. xoxo

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  2. Emily, my heart is broken right alongside yours. I am so so SO sorry that you have to endure this horrible pain YET again :(. It is so unfair. I am thinking of you and am holding you close to my heart. XOXO

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  3. Oh Emily, this is so unfair. I know you have been through the ringer and despite that you did your best to remain positive and strong. My heart just breaks for you that you did not get your happy ending... yet...

    I hope you get some answers and more than anything I hope things turn around for you soon. xo

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  4. My heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry for your loss and will keep praying daily for you.

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  5. I am so saddened by this news. This is not what I so desperately wanted for you guys. I am so frustrated with infertility and I feel such a deep anger and sadness for your loss. I hope you get some answers from this. It's not fair and you do not deserve this. Biggest hugs to you both. I am so sorry Em.

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  6. My heart is just aching for you. There are no answers. I don't know what God has in store for you but I am praying with all my might that he holds you in his arms. Wishing you so much peace and love.

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  7. Oh Emily, I am so sorry. :( I hate this for you. Infertility is such a horrible, horrible disease. It's just not fair. I'm praying for your heart.

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  8. Lord, we stand brokenhearted, crushed and in tears with Emily. We know that you are sovereign and we know that you love Emily more then we could even imagine. But, sometimes we just don't understand your ways. We continue to walk by faith, and not by sight. We continue to trust you have good plans for her, but right now we just ask more then anything for comfort and peace. A peace that only comes from you and a peace that can be found in the midst of such difficult circumstances. We thank you that you catch every tear and that you are close to the brokenhearted. We stand on the fact that asking why, isn't what brings healing. You are the healer and we trust you will heal in due time! Amen Love you girl.

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    1. I love you so much for being such a kind and thoughtful and generous friend to pray for me. Your prayers get me every time. Tissue please! AMEN is right!

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  9. I will be praying for comfort for you!

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  10. I am so sorry Emily. I will be praying for you over the coming days and weeks.

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  11. This is just the worst news :( I'm so sorry, Emily. Beyond sorry. There are no words to make you feel better, I know, so I will just let you know that I'm praying for peace and comfort for you and your husband. Big hugs, Em.

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  12. Oh Emily, I'm so very sorry. I hurt for you and know how deep the pain runs right now. Praying for some peace comfort for you.

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  13. Emily...I know their are NO WORDS that can truly help. But I'm so sorry you guys are going through this. Just know I'm sending you hugs and comfort. You are not alone.

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  14. I am so sorry Emily, this breaks my heart. I have been thinking of you and will continue to send positive vibes your way. Much love.

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  15. I am so very, very sorry Emily (((HUGS)))

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  16. I'm so sorry for your loss... this just sucks, plain and simple. Praying for some peace for you right now.

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  17. I'm so sorry. My heart hurts for you guys. I will be praying.

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  18. I am so so so sorry....
    =(
    many prayers...

    http://ttcaftertr.blogspot.com/

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  19. Romans 8:18

    For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us.

    Please email me, I've got a question.

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  20. I am so, so sorry, Emily. Truly. My heart is broken for you.

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  21. I'm so sorry, Em. This is so NOT fair. You've been through so much loss already. Prayers for your heart to heal and that this not an ectopic. Please do me a favor when you feel up to it....please email me at dreamingofdimples@gmail.com. Hugs friend!!!

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  22. I am so very, very sorry. Many prayers for you.

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  23. Oh Emily! I just want to wrap my arms around you and hug you. I am so angry, just so mad and hurt that this happened to you. Even I'm sitting here saying why? Just why? Every since your transfer I have honestly every single day taken a moment to think about you and say a prayer. I've been thinking about you so much and hoping to see good news on your blog. I'm praying now and keeping you in my thoughts. *hugs*

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  24. I tried to comment from my Ipad yesterday and apparently, it didn't show up.....

    Oh Emily, I cannot even begin to tell you how sorry and sad I am for you at this moment. You have already been through so many losses, this is just so freaking unfair! I don't get it, and I'm sure you don't either. You have every right and reason to ask why??? WHY?!?!?!

    I want to have something lovely and uplifting to say, like you always do for me, but it's just not coming. Instead, I just want you to know that we are all here for you. We are heartbroken with you and for you. We are praying for you. I'm so sorry that this is happening once again. HUGE HUGE hugs xoxox

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  25. I'm so sorry, Emily :( Thinking of you.

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  26. Emily my heart breaks for you. I am so sorry know that I am praying for you and trust that God will heal your heart and your body.

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  27. I'm so sorry to read this update. Have you looked into PGD testing on your embyros? Could it be a genetic disorder with them? I would look into having your remaining embies tested before doing another transfer.
    I was told by an RE here in Winter Park that IVF actually increases your chances of ectopic if you have tubal issues, which I do. I am waiting for CD1 and I will be having a Bilateral Salpingectomy prior to more treatment. Since we cannot conceive naturally (or IVF yet) my RE said it was best to eliminate them and hope for the best. Even with my tubes being removed there will still be a nub and that nub could result in an ectopic. Unfortunately, it's hard to avoid. I know a couple women that had an ectopic with their ET only to have tube removed and go on to get pregnant with the second ET only weeks after her tube was removed.
    Keep your chin up- I know you are strong and you will get your take home baby! You have such a huge support system and lots of people praying for you! Keep repeating that beautiful prayer of yours- God will answer your cry for help one way or another. XoXo

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    1. Thanks Kelly. We have no need to do PGD on our embryos because we've had Counsyl genetic testing on both of us and found no risk factors for specific high risk genetic diseases. However, PGS/CCS (where they screen all the chromosomes for things not genetically passed down) might behoove us. We did ask about this prior to starting IVF and were told repeatedly, "It's not necessary and not 100% accurate." I understand why it's not 100% accurate and they don't recommend it at my clinic on your first try with IVF, but we haven't had success now, and will definitely consider it if our last two embies don't work out and we need to do another retrieval. Highly doubt we'd pay $2000-$2500 to thaw the only two we have left, biopsy and test them by themselves, because it's the same cost to just roll the dice w/ the last FET OR we could wait for another retrieval when we can test up to 8 embryos at that cost. I kinda wish we'd done the PGS with ALL 7 of our blasts before they were ever frozen now, but hindsight is always 20/20! We were told we didn't need it. blah

      As for possibility of ectopic, I'm really hoping I'm just being paranoid about those stabbing pains on the left. My HSG's are always easy breezy and clear...no hydrosalpinx or other tubal issues seems to be there. I know that even people without tubal issues can also have ectopics as well, even with IVF, albeit a rare occurrence. I'm probably freaking out about nothing. I think I'm totally paranoid having gone through it once before, because it was such a nightmare.

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    2. It sounds like you have a good plan of action, Em. I will pray that it was not an ectopic this time and that you find success soon. I know what you're going through except I can't seem to get my embryos to implant. We started our IVF journey together so I will always be here for you if you need anything. I will email you my personal email address on FB if you ever need anything- Laugh, vent, cry, whatever! I'm here and I can relate to thee emotional mind f*ck this journey brings us all.

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  28. Oh Emily, I'm so sorry! This is just so unfair! Like everyone else has said, I'm praying for you and asking the Lord to comfort you and guard your heart during this difficult time! Hugs, my friend, lots of hugs!

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  29. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! What did people do before the internet? Seriously, I can't thank you enough for the sweet comments, thoughts, and prayers. It helps A LOT so thank you!

    Will know more on Monday, but for now, not much is happening. Hoping hCG and progesterone drops and a new cycle will start soon...Praying so hard for a normal end to this.

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  30. I'm so sorry! I was waiting to see your post on getting your positive pregnancy test. I feel like there were a couple of us all on the same time frame and no one has anything good results to report :( How can this be??? I think it is very hard not to ask why and even harder not knowing why. Hope you get the results you are hoping to see on Monday.

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  31. Oh Em, it breaks my heart to see u go through this again. You have endured so much through this journey that it has me questioning, why? I truly believe u will have ur take home baby. Hang in there lady I know things are getting harder to bare but we are all here for u when u need someone to lean on. Praying for your peace and happiness.

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  32. I'm sorry Emily. It's so unfair. Thinking of you.

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  33. I'm so sorry, Emily. Thinking of and praying for you. Peace, a miracle. Healing.

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  34. I'm so sorry Emily. This is not fair, all that you have gone through.

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  35. oh Emily, my heart breaks right along with you. I can't imagine your pain but I want to lend you my (virtual)shoulder to lean on. You have so many people on here who want to lift you up so bad and all agree that this unfairness should not happen to such a good person. I pray that you find what you need to help you threw the pain (VERY BIG HUGS)

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  36. I read this the other day and my stupid computer would not let me comment... I just wanted to come back and say that my heart just absolutely breaks for you to hear you have experienced another pregnancy loss. I'm so sorry. There are no words, all I can offer are virtual hugs and so many prayers.

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  37. I'm so sorry to hear this. My heart truly breaks for you and all that you've been through. I'm sending virtual hugs to you both.

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