We had literally only made the decision to move forward with BOTH hysteroscopy and laparoscopy less than 24 hours before; Maybe my mind just didn't have enough time to process they would actually be CUTTING into me in 3 places now instead of just inserting a camera through my cervix with no incisions? Quite a big difference! I realized that even though the lack of time to mentally prepare was causing me anxiety to the point of tears, it was probably better I didn't have so much time to think about it first. Quick and painful is more my style....always has been.
I think it's true what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I used to hate that saying, but the longer I live life, the more I realize it's true. I went through thyroid surgery 4 years ago; They removed a golf ball sized cyst from my thyroid for goodness sakes! Surely, if I survived that I would survive this too. So, I sucked it up, took a deep breathe and said, "Just knock me out fast please!"
The day following surgery was not easy by any stretch of the imagination. My body was so out of whack from the anesthesia wearing off, and the pain medication didn't seem to be helping during the first 24 hours. I felt a weakened and defeated "poor me" mentality starting to take over my psyche. I have really been working on re-training my brain to work through negative thought patterns though (with help from my therapist and more prayer).
One thing I've found especially helpful is not ignoring those thoughts, because if you just ignore them, they'll keep coming back at inconvenient times in a cyclical fashion. Instead, I acknowledged the hamster wheel of negative "whoas me" that had begun turning in my brain and just said to myself, "I hear what you are saying, but let it go. Let it go. You are stronger than this. You have been through worse, and you are wonderfully made. This surgery will be no match for you."
I then closed my eyes and lay there, imagining my mom standing near my bed. She has been gone for 8 years now, but I could literally feel her presence; One of her hands was holding my palm and the other was brushing the top of my hand, like she always did when I'd get sick as a kid. She had the softest hands on the planet, and I still know exactly how they felt. It was like a blanket of comfort was placed over my entire body, and I knew everything would be ok. I'm telling you, it was a moment of divine presence like never before.
From that moment forward, I have begun feeling exponentially better in what seems like record time. I have always believed in God's ability to heal of course, but I also strongly believe in the power of our own minds to direct our bodies towards healing. Sure, there have been aches and pains, like the huge amount of CO2 that was trapped under my rib cage, causing pain and inability to fully breathe. I've just been making fun of the side effects and finding humor in them. I told my friend I felt like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon, because that is exactly what it felt like! ha!
Really, I'm just choosing to focus on what's going right. Each morning when I wake up, I tell my husband about all the improvements that are being made OUT LOUD. I'm just so excited to wake up each day to small improvements, and I feel like in doing that I'm continuing to speak victory over my recovery. All I know is something is working. I've been regaining about 10-15% of myself each day. Yesterday, I drove my car and was back in the gym. Even if I'm only walking on the treadmill at 2 mph, I'm absolutely amazed at how quickly I'm recovering! I've been off pain meds for two days now, except for the occasional extra strength Tylenol. Yesterday and today have been the biggest turning points. I honestly feel about 60% back to normal already.
This is where I realize I've just received an unexpected message I needed to hear...I mean really NEEDED to hear. I AM WONDERFULLY MADE. I went into this surgery feeling so incredibly vulnerable and powerless. Now, despite looking down at incisions and still having some soreness, I feel twice as strong emotionally and spiritually than I did going in. Seeing how fast my body is bouncing back has been a much needed reminder of how truly AMAZING the human body is....all of our bodies are! I know it's so easy to forget, especially if you are going through infertility, but I just want to remind you all that YOU ARE wonderfully made! This song says it all...
Love it! BTW, if you haven't listened to his entire record, I highly recommend it. Very uplifting stuff!
Now, I do think that healthy nutrition, drinking oodles of water, taking my meds on schedule, and pushing myself physically each day are playing a role. However, a larger part of me is being boldly reminded how powerful our minds are in guiding our healing and how powerful prayer can be. Not only that, but also how powerful we are on a basic biological level as human beings. Is it just because I'm a total science nerd? I am seriously just blown away by the phenomenal things our bodies can accomplish in such a short time.
Every day, I'm asking for healing. I'm speaking victory over each small hurdle I overcome. I'm taking time out to be still and visualize my body healing from the inside out; Each area inside where something was removed by the surgeon is being bathed in a healthy environment. Each resection of unhealthy tissue has been removed to pave the way for new and improved blood flow and proliferation of new cells. Each and every fiber of skin being held together by sutures is re-attaching and healing with lightning speed. It's like there is a 9th grade biology video playing in my head! I am seeing it unfold, and I can literally feel my body healing from the inside out. It's quite a miraculous thing I must say.
Please stop and take the time to give yourself some credit today. Remind yourself that you are wonderfully made too!