Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Wonderfully Made

Sometime in life I receive an unexpected message that I need to hear, in the most unlikely of ways. I must admit that 4 days ago as they wheeled me back to the OR for my surgeries, I felt so vulnerable and broken. I wiped my tears as my RE walked up to greet me, because I didn't want to seem like a wuss.

We had literally only made the decision to move forward with BOTH hysteroscopy and laparoscopy less than 24 hours before; Maybe my mind just didn't have enough time to process they would actually be CUTTING into me in 3 places now instead of just inserting a camera through my cervix with no incisions? Quite a big difference! I realized that even though the lack of time to mentally prepare was causing me anxiety to the point of tears, it was probably better I didn't have so much time to think about it first. Quick and painful is more my style....always has been.

I think it's true what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I used to hate that saying, but the longer I live life, the more I realize it's true. I went through thyroid surgery 4 years ago; They removed a golf ball sized cyst from my thyroid for goodness sakes! Surely, if I survived that I would survive this too. So, I sucked it up, took a deep breathe and said, "Just knock me out fast please!"

The day following surgery was not easy by any stretch of the imagination. My body was so out of whack from the anesthesia wearing off, and the pain medication didn't seem to be helping during the first 24 hours. I felt a weakened and defeated "poor me" mentality starting to take over my psyche. I have really been working on re-training my brain to work through negative thought patterns though (with help from my therapist and more prayer).

One thing I've found especially helpful is not ignoring those thoughts, because if you just ignore them, they'll keep coming back at inconvenient times in a cyclical fashion. Instead, I acknowledged the hamster wheel of negative "whoas me" that had begun turning in my brain and just said to myself, "I hear what you are saying, but let it go. Let it go. You are stronger than this. You have been through worse, and you are wonderfully made. This surgery will be no match for you."

I then closed my eyes and lay there, imagining my mom standing near my bed. She has been gone for 8 years now, but I could literally feel her presence; One of her hands was holding my palm and the other was brushing the top of my hand, like she always did when I'd get sick as a kid. She had the softest hands on the planet, and I still know exactly how they felt. It was like a blanket of comfort was placed over my entire body, and I knew everything would be ok. I'm telling you, it was a moment of divine presence like never before.

From that moment forward, I have begun feeling exponentially better in what seems like record time. I have always believed in God's ability to heal of course, but I also strongly believe in the power of our own minds to direct our bodies towards healing. Sure, there have been aches and pains, like the huge amount of CO2 that was trapped under my rib cage, causing pain and inability to fully breathe. I've just been making fun of the side effects and finding humor in them. I told my friend I felt like a Macy's Thanksgiving Day balloon, because that is exactly what it felt like! ha!

Really, I'm just choosing to focus on what's going right. Each morning when I wake up, I tell my husband about all the improvements that are being made OUT LOUD. I'm just so excited to wake up each day to small improvements, and I feel like in doing that I'm continuing to speak victory over my recovery. All I know is something is working. I've been regaining about 10-15% of myself each day. Yesterday, I drove my car and was back in the gym. Even if I'm only walking on the treadmill at 2 mph, I'm absolutely amazed at how quickly I'm recovering! I've been off pain meds for two days now, except for the occasional extra strength Tylenol. Yesterday and today have been the biggest turning points. I honestly feel about 60% back to normal already.

This is where I realize I've just received an unexpected message I needed to hear...I mean really NEEDED to hear. I AM WONDERFULLY MADE. I went into this surgery feeling so incredibly vulnerable and powerless. Now, despite looking down at incisions and still having some soreness, I feel twice as strong emotionally and spiritually than I did going in. Seeing how fast my body is bouncing back has been a much needed reminder of how truly AMAZING the human body is....all of our bodies are! I know it's so easy to forget, especially if you are going through infertility, but I just want to remind you all that YOU ARE wonderfully made! This song says it all...

                                                "Wonderfully Made" by Matthew West

Love it! BTW, if you haven't listened to his entire record, I highly recommend it. Very uplifting stuff!

Now, I do think that healthy nutrition, drinking oodles of water, taking my meds on schedule, and pushing myself physically each day are playing a role. However, a larger part of me is being boldly reminded how powerful our minds are in guiding our healing and how powerful prayer can be. Not only that, but also how powerful we are on a basic biological level as human beings. Is it just because I'm a total science nerd? I am seriously just blown away by the phenomenal things our bodies can accomplish in such a short time.

Every day, I'm asking for healing. I'm speaking victory over each small hurdle I overcome. I'm taking time out to be still and visualize my body healing from the inside out; Each area inside where something was removed by the surgeon is being bathed in a healthy environment. Each resection of unhealthy tissue has been removed to pave the way for new and improved blood flow and proliferation of new cells. Each and every fiber of skin being held together by sutures is re-attaching and healing with lightning speed. It's like there is a 9th grade biology video playing in my head! I am seeing it unfold, and I can literally feel my body healing from the inside out. It's quite a miraculous thing I must say.

Please stop and take the time to give yourself some credit today. Remind yourself that you are wonderfully made too!

19 comments:

  1. Oh, honey, I am thinking about you & praying for you everyday. I cried when you wrote about your beloved's mother. Very sweet. Big hugs & prayers to you as you heal.

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  2. This is great Emily! I'm so proud of you! It is totally easy and understandable to have the "whoa is me" attitude after surgery. Everything hurts and you literally feel broken, but it sounds like you are on the mend! Praying with you that healing and restoration have already begun and continue in your body!

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  3. I love that you could feel your Mom there with you because I have no doubt that she was there with you. Sending you healing wishes!!

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  4. So proud of you! You are so strong!

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  5. Beautiful post Emily. Thank God for speedy healing, I pray your body continues to return to the glorious state in which it was originally made. I love your perspective on things because after all perspective is everything. Oh and thank you for sharing this it speak volumes to how dealing with negative thoughts is so important.

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  6. I'm so glad you're feeling better... Mentally and physically :). Your strength is truly inspiring. XO

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  7. Can I hug you for this post RIGHT now. NAILED IT. First of all, love everything about it and yes, you are fearfully and wonderfully made!! Psalm 139:14! He knows everything about you, every hair on your head and even knew your name before you were born! Amen girl! I love that you are speaking victory and life because that is what scripture commands us to do!! Yes girl!!! This post is so exciting. I'm so happy right now that you are picturing yourself healed. I can just tell that He is doing big things in your heart and this journey will not be wasted. So sweet that your momma was there with you, what a beautiful angel and moment that must have been. Glad to hear that you are recovering and getting back to normal! Thankful for you!!

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  8. I'm so happy to hear you are recovering physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally!!! Thank you for this reminder. Sometimes it's hard to change our mindset; sometimes it's hard to pray for OUR own healing. Geez, I didn't know the procedure was so intense. I hate that you had to go through that, but - you're right - new things are being made through your healing. That is very special your mother was there with you. How powerful. Thank you for sharing, Emily!

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  9. I love Matthew West. I can't wait to listen to this song! Glad to hear you are getting better!

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  10. This is a wonderful post. Thanks for a dose of positivity! When all our bodies seem to do is fail us sometimes, it's easy to forget the little positives that make up a WONDERFULLY MADE person. Thinking of you. Keep up the positivity and hope to see you at 100% soon. :)

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  11. I'm so incredibly happy to hear how well you are healing (in every way)! This post is so impressive... your outlook is wonderfully positive and I love that you felt your mom's presence during this very crucial time- I think it's a true reflection of the faith you have (even when it's hard to have it at times).

    Thinking of you always! xo

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  12. How special to feel/have your mother's love and support! It sounds like you are recovering wonderfully! It's so good to hear how well you are doing. I am trying to be more positive too, pray more, and just improve me until our next cycle :) Thanks for the reminder.

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  13. This is a beautiful post. I'm so glad you are healing physically and emotionally. You are a strong woman and yes I do believe whatever doesn't kill us will only make is stronger. I will keep you in my prayers that God will allow u to heal physically and emotionally. Don't be afraid to have a pity party, we all go through those faces. Just let them out and move fwd.

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  14. I am constantly inspired by your amazing attitude! It is amazing what focusing on the positive can do for us on so many levels. I am working on doing the same. I'm so glad to hear that your recovery is going so well!

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  15. I'm so glad to hear you are healing and with a positive attitude. When I take time to really think about our bodies and what a miracle God has created in each of us I am just in awe for what our bodies do :)

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  16. Oh Emily. What a wonderful post. Tears and understanding about a mother's touch and how you never forget it and still even "feel" it. She has her arms around you every step you take, through the happy and the sad. Never forget that.

    I'm so glad that you are gradually improving every day. Those two surgeries can be doozies and anyone that says otherwise is nuts! HA! Sounds like physically and mentally you are going to be in a great place for this next transfer. Praying so very hard for you. xoxo

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  17. "I'm just choosing to focus on what's going right." Yes, girl, yes! How powerful to actually verbalize what is going right OUT LOUD. Praying for your continued healing.

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  18. I wanted to let you know that I nominated you for a Liebster Award. Don’t feel any obligation to accept, just wanted you to know how much I enjoy following your blog! Best wishes always!!

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  19. You're amazing! I'm so glad you're feeling better and on the mend. XOXO

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