You Cannot Be Defeated: Last Chance FET Follow-Up

You Cannot Be Defeated…this was the message of Joel Osteen’s sermon on Dec. 8^th. I lay there on the couch with my feet snuggled in my trusty electric foot warmer watching my Tivo’ed episode, tears streaming down my face. I’ve been praying every single day for peace and patience and HOPEFULLY a positive outcome for our last chance FET cycle. 

I’d just prayed that morning for God to give me some sign of reassurance that it’s even possible. I was praying to just feel a cramp or some boob soreness or have what my friend Caroline calls a “blue sock moment”…anything to help me stay sane and hopeful during the dreaded 9 day waiting period following our blastocyst transfer.

And here was Joel Osteen, looking me directly in the eyes saying, “God is going to send the enemy packing. The infertility- It’s not going to be with you your whole life. God is not only going to send it packing, but He’s going to release the healing, the breakthrough, the baby you’ve been praying about.” I about fell off the freaking couch! It could have been coincidence he used that example of course, but the entire sermon could not have come at a more appropriate time for me.

Needless to say, I was pretty moved, and I knew that I needed to share this message with you all as well. Please take 30 minutes out of your day when you have a chance, or when you need some uplifting, to watch. No matter what you’re struggling with, I hope that it moves you as much as it did me…

 

3 days later, the following Wednesday, I decided to take a HPT. Something inside was nudging me to do so, and I truly felt I would be ok emotionally, no matter what the cheapie Wondfo test strip said. I wasn’t going to let it dictate my mood. Low and behold there was a second line. I tested again just to make sure, and there was still a line….2 days before I was even due to take a blood test.

Never, in any of the last 3 short-lived pregnancies have I detected a pregnancy this early. This was promising, but I could tell my husband was extremely guarded…we both were and still ARE of course. Two days later, we got the blood result and received the strongest initial beta we’ve ever received. 3 days later, the result still remained strong and doubled in the appropriate time. So far, it’s reached an all time high for us, and we’re cautiously optimistic, yet still very guarded since it’s so very early.

I won’t be making individual posts about every single beta here. It’s an absolutely maddening rollercoaster of emotions taking these blood tests and waiting by the phone for the results each time, and I’d rather not take you along for the ride. I’ll be updating stuff in a new tab at the top if you care to look, but I also respect your decision not to.

I am intensely aware of how difficult it is to hear pregnancy news from other women, not only in real life, but also in the infertility community from those you’ve developed very deep and loving relationships with. I know that very strange feeling in the pit of your stomach of being happy for someone else but sad for yourself. I know how heartbreaking it is to congratulate someone else and then go right back to wherever you’re at in your infertility treatments or TTC journey.

I have been part of online support groups for 2.5+ years now and have watched almost EVERY single person I know become pregnant and have a baby…literally hundreds of women. Some are now onto #2.  It is extremely painful to feel like you’re the last woman on the planet that will ever become pregnant, especially when those who’ve been your “infertility sister” the longest have eventually reached “the other side” and you are still spending every last resource and ounce of energy you have on trying to start a family. I know that pain all too well.

I am resolved to be respectful and humble and sensitive to the journeys that anyone out there reading is going through. I completely understand if you need to hide me from your blog list, and I totally respect anyone’s decision to do so. I can assure you though, that you won’t see a bunch of posts with ALL CAPS or overused exclamation points!!! proclaiming every milestone of this pregnancy. You also won’t have to endure any version of an “Oscar acceptance speech” thanking all of the little people who’ve helped me survive this infertility journey.  You ALL know how much I love you already, and we are far from being out of the woods.

It’s still very early, and there is still a lot of surviving to get through, but my hope is that this works out…not only for us, but for all of you too.  Being stuck in the nightmare that is infertility, I believe, will earn us all a special place in heaven someday. I also believe that we will all become mothers, even if it takes longer for some of us. We will not be defeated. It WILL happen.