Tuesday, December 17, 2013

You Cannot Be Defeated: Last Chance FET Follow-Up


You Cannot Be Defeated…this was the message of Joel Osteen’s sermon on Dec. 8th. I lay there on the couch with my feet snuggled in my trusty electric foot warmer watching my Tivo’ed episode, tears streaming down my face. I’ve been praying every single day for peace and patience and HOPEFULLY a positive outcome for our last chance FET cycle. 

I’d just prayed that morning for God to give me some sign of reassurance that it’s even possible. I was praying to just feel a cramp or some boob soreness or have what my friend Caroline calls a “blue sock moment”…anything to help me stay sane and hopeful during the dreaded 9 day waiting period following our blastocyst transfer.

And here was Joel Osteen, looking me directly in the eyes saying, “God is going to send the enemy packing. The infertility- It’s not going to be with you your whole life. God is not only going to send it packing, but He’s going to release the healing, the breakthrough, the baby you’ve been praying about.” I about fell off the freaking couch! It could have been coincidence he used that example of course, but the entire sermon could not have come at a more appropriate time for me.

Needless to say, I was pretty moved, and I knew that I needed to share this message with you all as well. Please take 30 minutes out of your day when you have a chance, or when you need some uplifting, to watch. No matter what you’re struggling with, I hope that it moves you as much as it did me…

 


3 days later, the following Wednesday, I decided to take a HPT. Something inside was nudging me to do so, and I truly felt I would be ok emotionally, no matter what the cheapie Wondfo test strip said. I wasn’t going to let it dictate my mood. Low and behold there was a second line. I tested again just to make sure, and there was still a line….2 days before I was even due to take a blood test.


Never, in any of the last 3 short-lived pregnancies have I detected a pregnancy this early. This was promising, but I could tell my husband was extremely guarded…we both were and still ARE of course. Two days later, we got the blood result and received the strongest initial beta we’ve ever received. 3 days later, the result still remained strong and doubled in the appropriate time. So far, it’s reached an all time high for us, and we’re cautiously optimistic, yet still very guarded since it’s so very early.


I won’t be making individual posts about every single beta here. It’s an absolutely maddening rollercoaster of emotions taking these blood tests and waiting by the phone for the results each time, and I’d rather not take you along for the ride. I’ll be updating stuff in a new tab at the top if you care to look, but I also respect your decision not to.

I am intensely aware of how difficult it is to hear pregnancy news from other women, not only in real life, but also in the infertility community from those you’ve developed very deep and loving relationships with. I know that very strange feeling in the pit of your stomach of being happy for someone else but sad for yourself. I know how heartbreaking it is to congratulate someone else and then go right back to wherever you’re at in your infertility treatments or TTC journey.


I have been part of online support groups for 2.5+ years now and have watched almost EVERY single person I know become pregnant and have a baby…literally hundreds of women. Some are now onto #2.  It is extremely painful to feel like you’re the last woman on the planet that will ever become pregnant, especially when those who’ve been your “infertility sister” the longest have eventually reached “the other side” and you are still spending every last resource and ounce of energy you have on trying to start a family. I know that pain all too well.


I am resolved to be respectful and humble and sensitive to the journeys that anyone out there reading is going through. I completely understand if you need to hide me from your blog list, and I totally respect anyone’s decision to do so. I can assure you though, that you won’t see a bunch of posts with ALL CAPS or overused exclamation points!!! proclaiming every milestone of this pregnancy. You also won’t have to endure any version of an “Oscar acceptance speech” thanking all of the little people who’ve helped me survive this infertility journey.  You ALL know how much I love you already, and we are far from being out of the woods.

It’s still very early, and there is still a lot of surviving to get through, but my hope is that this works out…not only for us, but for all of you too.  Being stuck in the nightmare that is infertility, I believe, will earn us all a special place in heaven someday. I also believe that we will all become mothers, even if it takes longer for some of us. We will not be defeated. It WILL happen.


46 comments:

  1. This is absolutely fantastic news Emily! As someone still trying, it makes my heart so happy to see other woman that are going and have gone through this get pregnant. Sending so many good vibes and positive thoughts your direction for great betas and a wonderful u/s soon!

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  2. This is such wonderful news!!! I have been watching for a post from you :) This is just such exciting news, I can't say it enough!! I am so happy for you Emily and can't wait to follow along this journey with you. I love that you had such a good feeling about this and that held true. Many prayers for you and this baby. **HUGS**

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  3. Omg! I've been impatiently waiting for u to post something. This brings tears to my eyes. I'm truly happy for you Em! Going to keep you in my prayers that your little one(s) continue to grow healthily.

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  4. This is amazing news! I'll still be sending lots of prayers and good vibes your way!

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  5. I've been reading your blog for awhile and struggling with my own fertility issues. I am so happy for you and also so hopeful! Best to you on this journey. Your blog has been a place I've gone to for support when I didn't have anyone around me who understood what I was going through so thank you.

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  6. EEK! What WONDERFUL news, Emily! I'm so, so, so excited for you! Hopeful that this is IT- take home baby is on the way! Can't wait to hear more! Thinking of you!

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  7. You made my day!! Praying everything continues to go well...sending lots of love!

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  8. I JUST STARTED CRYING AT MY DESK!!!!!!!! I am so grateful for you, and I will continue to be hopeful for you.

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  9. I'm so thrilled for you Emily!!! Completely understand your need to be guarded -- I felt the same way, and I'm not sure I was ever able to completely let my guard down the entire pregnancy. I will be thinking of you!!! Please keep us posted.

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  10. So very excited for you! I too know how it feels to be the last woman standing but sometimes joy can fill your heart and you should share it! God granted you with a tiny life in your belly and hundreds of women that have loved and supported you for the last couple years. It's your turn my dear and you deserve all the happiness and joy that comes with fighting as hard as you did!

    Congrats to you!! Take a deep breath and enjoy the ride! Today you are pregnant and today we are thankful and we praise God for this life growing in you!

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  11. Emily, this is so amazing! Oh, what a blessing!!! I am praying that everything remains right on track. Congratulations!!!

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  12. Oh Em! I am thrilled for you guys! I have been holding my breath for you, expecting an update soon. I pray this continues to go well. I am so excited and happy for you. I hope you continue to update because this is huge! I hope you use your capitals and exclamations, you're happy & excited and you deserve to be. I wouldn't take your excitement as rubbing anything in my face. No one should. Congratulations. This is the greatest news!

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  13. I'm so happy for you!!!! I have been anixously awating a new blog post :-) What a wonderful early Christmas gift. God Bless!

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  15. Congrats my dear friend. Hold on to these precious moments God is showing you favor. Oh gosh this touched my heart. God hears us and he answers us. He is good and faithful and righteous. The enemy does not have the right to take over your mind or steal your joy. Keep believing Emily I am believing with you. This sweet baby will make it into your arms. Praying for peace for you while you continue to wait. Oh and the sermon is a powerful one, it ministered to me too especially on today. I am over the moon and filled with joy for you. This is a praise report for me. I'm so glad!! XO

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  16. Such awesome news! I have been really hoping and praying for good news for you, and I'm so glad to hear a happy update. It sounds like things are off to a great start, and I am so hopeful for you. It is awesome the way that sermon spoke to you. I plan to save it to watch when AF shows, because I think I'll need it more then, but thank you for sharing it with us.

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  17. Great news!! I will be listening to the sermon tonight. Thank you for posting. And congratulations!

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  18. My friend...I have been waiting for this post for almost a week. I have to admit, I had a feeling last Wednesday or Thursday and checked your FF chart and saw you had a +HPT. Was beyond thrilled and was hoping that you would have great beta news to follow. I will be praying, sending all kinds of good vibes and happy, healthy pregnancy thoughts your way!!! You so deserve this. xoxoxoxo

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  19. Great news!!! Very excited for you!!!

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  20. um hello CONGRATS MY SWEET FRIEND! This is the best Christmas miracle ever. I am overjoyed by this news and holy moly, wow! Ok, Thank you LORD! And what Joel said, girl this is exactly what scripture says!! The Lord brings healing and breakthrough and although the journey might always be easy, when we seek Him, He PROMISES it will come. I am beyond thrilled for you. I hope you wait confidently that this is it for you! I hope you speak life over your baby the next 9 months and you start prepping that nursery!! The enemy is going to want to steal this baby, but God desires this baby for you so continue to seek Him. OH HAPPY DAY!!! I wish you could be here with me while I do the happy dance. Can't wait to hug you!!!

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    1. oh one more thing, hehe. God wanted you to hear that message, it was certainly no coincidence!! So so so cool!

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  21. Yay! Yay! Yay! Praise God! Like many others, I've been impatiently waiting for an update post from you! I'm so happy to hear that you've had great betas that are doubling/rising appropriately! This makes me extremely happy! Congrats to you and your hubs! You so deserve this!

    I totally understand and respect where you are coming from about future posts. I thought long and hard about how I would continue with my blog. For me, I decided to continue going as I initially started my blog as my outlet for all things in my life..... mainly IF related. But, I totally feel guilty with most of my current posts.

    Anyways, I'm over the moon for you, Emily xoxo

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  22. I'm just gonna tell ya Em, that I've checked your blog EVERY single day and was disgusted to see nothing but the avocado recipe. I think I hate avocados now...
    But CONGRATULATIONS! (yeah, all caps baby, and exclamation points!!!) But see this is why you are my damn favorite, because of things like NOT doing the "Oscar Acceptance Speech"--that sh*t is like nails on a chalkboard--and vowing to be discreet just-in-case someone wants to follow you but can't handle a 4th of July style celebration. You are one classy lady and I couldn't be more happy for anyone than I am for you. XO

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  23. Awesome news Emily! Hoping this is the one that sticks. Those are very strong betas and hope they keep just going up and up. xoxo

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  24. This just made my day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! omg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yaay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  25. YAYAYAY!! I have been stalking like crazy for an update and what a wonderful one to read! Absolutely fantastic news! Many, many prayers for peace.

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  26. Snuck a peek at your beta results and wow! Just wow. Congratulations on such happy news! Every ounce of me hopes and prays that August 22 is the happiest day of your life!!

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  27. yay!!!! So happy for you!!! Always have hope and believe that this pregnancy will be AMAZING!!! Don't let doubt, fear, and worry creep in and steal your joy! The devil will try to wiggle his nasty way into your life any way he can. But you just tell him to leave each time a worried thought comes into your head :) God sent you that message for a reason so I truly believe that you have no reason to fear or worry. Praise God!!!!! YIPPPEEE!!!!!

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  28. Such amazing news. So happy for you. Many prayers that things keep moving in a great direction!!!

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  29. So happy for you -Enjoy this moment!

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  30. Oh Emily! Finally!! Congratulations to you!! I am in tears right now due to happiness. I've been praying so hard for this FET to work and I continue to pray with every milestone and update. Can't wait for your first ultrasound too! Congrats mama!

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  31. CONGRATULATIONS!! I'm so happy to read this!! Praying all continues to progress beautifully!

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  32. I am SO happy to read this news this morning that I literally cried for joy for you! I feel so silly, sitting in my office, all by myself, crying for a woman I do not even know, however I do know the roller coaster you have been on and all about the tidal wave of emotions that goes along with it. I am SO happy for you! Continued prayers coming your way!!

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  33. Praying everything continues to go well! I look forward to hearing more about your journey!

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  34. Congratulations on your second line!!! Prayers that things continue to go well and that this is your take-home baby.

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  35. Oh congrats, this is so exciting! Truly praying that all continues to go well for you.

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  36. Love your honesty! But I love even more that you had two gorgeous lines waiting for you! Praying specifically for you and a sticky baby. That God will just bless your socks off and shine his glory all over this new adventure. Excited to watch your journey and watch your story be a source of encouragement for us ladies still waiting for our miracles!

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  37. So so happy for you, Em!!!! I have a really good feeling about this one. ;)

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  38. I don't know how I'm just seeing this now! Your post only now just showed up in my feed... Ahhh! Yayy!! I am so beyond hapy for you. You deserve this so SO much. XOXO

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  39. Emily!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY! I was so, so hoping that this was it for you. What an incredibly moving post and sermon. I cannot believe his example was infertility! Crazy!

    And it's so true. Infertility is not the journey of your lifetime. It WILL end and it does end for most eventually and although you will always remember it and probably even consider yourself infertile, life does change. No matter what. That is the only thing we can ever count on.

    I'm so (cautiously, of course) thrilled for you. I'm saying so many prayers that this is it. I think a super high beta is an awesome sign and certainly one worth being optimistic for.

    So much love and hugs to you.

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  40. Yaaaaaay! Stick baby stick! I will be following you for sure to get your progress. So happy for you. Good luck.

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  41. CONGRATULATIONS Emily! I am happy for you!
    This is great news!

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  42. I am so happy for you Emily! Congratulations!

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    1. CONGRATULATIONS! I know you don't frequent FB anymore but I sent you an email. Please read it when you can. I'm so happy that you finally got your Christmas miracle!

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  43. I am so late to this post, but I have been traveling most of the month and am way behind on blogging (reading and writing) but I wanted to say a big congrats! I am so, so thrilled for you and sending lots of happy thoughts for you that you will continue to get good news.

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