Thursday, January 16, 2014

Bittersweet Goodbye to Baby B & Oceans of Faith

Faith in the unseen is such a tricky thing sometimes. It's like a muscle that gets stronger as you work it, but some days it's just really hard to get in a workout. I'm compelled to laze off and fall into unhealthy (mind) habits...that's when pesky doubts and worries creep in.

I've been exercising my faith muscle until it's fatigued, and I'd like to think it's getting stronger.
However, it was a looong two weeks between our first u/s and the one we had today. Some days I'm completely content with an unexplainable peace that just comforts me. Other nights I lie awake for hours on end, with a hamster wheel of "what-ifs" on repeat. Then, it's back on my knees the next morning to pray it all away.

I've been listening to a lot of Christian music for some time now and have been finding solace in the lyrics of so many great songs. There is one I'm totally obsessed with called "Oceans" by Hillsong United. Even if you aren't into the CCM genre of music, give it whirl. SUCH A BEAUTIFUL SONG, and this live version is just extra special imho. If this doesn't give you a goosebump by the end, um I don't know what to say...



She has the voice of an angel, and the lyrics are so on point to what so many of us are going through. Isn't this what we're all trying to do... put our faith in something we can't really see as human beings and trust that it will all work out in the end?

If you listened and didn't catch it, this song is about a famous story from the Bible in Matthew 14, where Peter walks on water, despite his own fears...

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.
But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

I feel like this is what God keeps telling me over and over and over again. He's got this! Sorry God, I know in my heart you've got my back, but I'm still working on remaining faithful 24/7. It's not always easy, especially with the history of repeated failures thing. However, I really do believe that our past experiences do not dictate our future, and that at some point, if we throw enough darts and keep the faith, one will eventually stick in the right spot.

Speaking of sticking in the right spot, we have been a little concerned from the beginning about 1/2 of this pregnancy: Baby B. Baby B had been measuring behind from the get go, and at last u/s had a marked difference in size and heartbeat. Hubby and I were excited at the prospect of becoming parents of not one, but two babies. Nonetheless, we had realistic expectations that Baby B might not make it, thanks to our gentle yet up-front care providers, and that this might become a case of vanishing twin. This is indeed what happened, as today we found out that Baby B did not make it. Barely a fetal pole and a sac that did not grow past 6 wks was all that was visible for #2.

Bittersweet is the best word I can use to describe my feelings about losing Baby B.
Bitter, because anytime life is lost it's saddening. Vanishing twin occurs in about 1 out of 8 multiple pregnancies, and when one baby "goes away" it typically does not have any bearing whatsoever on the health and growth of the other baby inside the womb....as long as it happens early on in the pregnancy. Baby B will join 3 other babies of ours in heaven that decided to implant and create pregnancy, but ultimately not stick around.

Yet, today was also sweet. We are thankful that if this was going to happen, it happened early, so as not to complicate things later on or keep us wondering even more about the outcome.  We don't feel like God snatched a baby from us or anything; We feel everything is working out for our very best interest possible. We saw how well Baby A was doing, with a super strong heartbeat @180 bpm and measuring within 1 day of EDD. He/she looked kind of like a wiggly gummy bear.

Instead of focusing on the loss, we are focusing on all that is going right. We are also reassured at the fact we will now have less risks overall throughout this pregnancy, since it's a singleton and not twins. My body has had a hard enough time just holding onto one pregnancy, so the fact that we are not faced with added complications from twins, is yet another reason to just be grateful for the one healthy baby we do have.

Want to know something kinda crazy?! I have actually been journaling to "Baby A" for exactly two years now.
At the time I started writing to our future child, I began addressing him/her as Baby A because our last name starts with A. Check out a snippet of my first entry from two years ago in January 2012...



I have been writing to Baby A all along to this day, but little did I know how truly significant and personal these journal entries would end up being. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but I just think it's awfully ironic I've been writing to "Baby A" for 2 years and I never ever expected there would even be such a thing as a Baby A, as named by the doctors. Had I really been writing to the child hand picked and chosen for us all along? Pretty interesting is all I'm saying. I have to laugh too...It seems I was equally as impatient for a baby two years ago, having only TTC for 6 months at that point in time.

So many times I would take days or weeks off from writing to Baby A, but would always come back and talk to him/her. I really believe that someone is listening when I read these entries out loud, whether it's God, angels fighting on my behalf, or our future babies. This baby will know how much he/she was wanted and loved before even being conceived. While it may have taken longer than I'd liked, it seems Baby A is now really and truly on the way.  FINALLY. It goes without saying that we're beyond grateful.

We will continue to be hopeful for the best possible outcome each step of the way and as the song says,  keep our eyes above the waves. Tomorrow makes 9 weeks. As we inch closer towards the elusive 12 week safety zone, I give thanks every single day that passes, bringing us one step closer to being a family.

47 comments:

  1. I had just come here to check on you as you posted, so good timing! I am so sorry to hear about Baby B, but I can see how it would also bring you some relief that at least it happened early enough to spare Baby A from any negative effects. I know how scary it would be to carry twins after losing one baby, so I can only imagine how it must have been for you to worry about possible complications. I love that you have been writing to Baby A all along! :) I used to write to "Future Baby", and it was a good outlet as well as something I hoped to share with that baby. I stopped after my m/c, but I should start new letters for "Future Take Home Baby" or something. I am off to watch the video you shared! I'll be keeping you and Baby A in my prayers for things to continue going well for you both.

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    1. I totally understand the need to take a break from writing to your future baby, and Lord knows I took them too. You are so right, it's therapeutic and would also be cool to share with your child once they are older. Thanks Farra!

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  2. I am so sorry about Baby B. This just breaks my heart. However, it is so encouraging that you are still so strong and hopeful. I am even more happy to hear that baby A is doing so well. I had just recently posted my own thoughts on the song Oceans. It completely wrecked me. I love that when God does something in his children is not completely exclusive. He tends to do similar things in his children's lives. Sounds like he was doing something similar in you and me around the same time. Lots of love and prays for you and family, and especially baby A. XOX

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    1. Thanks Morgan! I just added you to my blog list, so I'll have to catch up with your happenings.That song is just so moving isn't it!?

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  3. I am so very sorry about Baby B! I'm sure this is a very difficult and emotional time... grateful for Baby A and broken hearted for Baby B! I'm trusting with you that The Lord's got you and Baby A and that He's not going to let you sink below the waves. Your feet may fail, but He has never failed you, and he won't start now! Thinking of you!

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    1. Thanks Amanda. Funny thing is that this loss has not been very difficult. We knew it could happen, and it's a much different thing losing a pregnancy when there is a "backup" to put it bluntly. We are just grateful more than anything right now. Thank you for the beautiful reminder that He won't fail us the rest of the way with Baby A.

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  4. Wow- this gave me chills to read how you've been writing to baby A along. That's amazing. XOXO

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    1. Glad you thought that was cool too. Kinda neat :)

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  5. I'm so sorry about baby b! I think I lost baby b at 5 weeks, thankfully baby a has been strong throughout! I will continue to hold you and baby in my prayers that things will keep progressing normally and your heart will heal from the loss of baby b!

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    1. Oh gosh E, I don't think I even remembered that you had a Baby B, or maybe I never knew. I'm sorry to hear that, but this is definitely reassuring since you have clearly gone on to carry Baby A healthfully to term!

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    2. I started bleeding at 5 weeks and thought I was miscarrying. We went in for an ultrasound and saw a second sac but nothing in it. My betas were in the twins range but God knew we were moving and a twin pregnancy would have been very difficult in that transition so he gave us one strong healthy baby to care for, one who could handle moving halfway across the country early in the second trimester :)

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  6. So sorry for loss of baby B...But I like where your "head" is about it all...silver lining....Love the song...one of my faves...

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    1. Thanks Megz. I cannot stop listening to the live version of Oceans! I wonder if I'll ever get sick of it...I think not!

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  7. I am so sorry for the loss of baby B. Thinking of you guys and baby A as you move forward! I've been listening to Christian music a lot more lately too and I've heard this song repeatedly over the last few days! Every time I hear it now I am going to be thinking of you all and praying for you! xo

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    1. Awe, that is sweet Kasey. I'll be thinking of you too as you embark on IVF and will be praying for a positive result for you!

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  8. Hey girlie. I'm so sorry for your loss of Baby B, but so happy and thankful for Baby A. I don't find it coincidental at all that 2 years ago you were writing to Baby A. The Bible says that we have power in our words to create and shape our life...you were doing just that when you started exercising your faith muscles by writing to a baby that wasn't even created yet. You had the faith, you exercised and you used your words. YOU ROCK! Also, I believe God was just wanting to flex His power muscles to you by connecting the dots to you...Baby A you have been journaling too, and Baby A in your belly now. Your story will be a testimony for Him :) How awesome is that?!

    waitingforbabybird.com

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    1. I so believe that about our words shaping our future Elisha. Now, if this baby ends up being a girl, I will also have to say Hmmmm. I've had a pink onsie in the nursery that I lay my hands on every day and feel for a heartbeat. I can literally feel this baby living and breathing by simply touching my hands on an empty onsie. I know it's sounds completely crazy, but where our mind goes, energy flows!

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  9. I am so sorry for your loss of Baby B and I am just blown away by your story on Baby A. This has our Lord written all over it!! What a miracle this is and shows God is always with us and that things work out exactly on his timing. My prayers are with you and Baby A :)

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    1. I'm so glad other people are in agreement and can see this was yet another example of a perfectly laid out path for us. When stuff like that happens, I think it's evidence of the power of prayer and positive thinking.

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  10. Wow!!! This gives me the chills. Your faith and peace is inspiring. I'm sorry to hear about your loss, but it's evident the Lord has given you a peace about. The journal is SO SO SO cool! What a sweet testimony. I love how he always works things out for our good (Rom 8:28). Praising Him and continue to pray for you friend!!! PS. LOVE Hillsong and Oceans. Great stuff!

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    1. Worth mentioning there was a little ladybug hanging out right above my vision board (filled with baby pics) as I journaled last week too. No clue how she got inside and up two stories to plant herself right above my vision board, especially when we have tubes built into our walls for pest control and never see bugs. Am I crazy, or is He placing things in my path to reassure me of the hope and expectancy I'm supposed to keep having?

      Love that verse, and I want to go to Australia just to attend Hillsong in person!

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  11. I'm sorry for your loss, but I'm blessed by your attitude. Your faith is amazing, and I admire your surrender and grace as you face this difficult challenge. Praying for you and dear Baby A as you inch toward 12 weeks!

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    1. Thanks Lilee. We appreciate the prayers. I've just added you to my blog list, so I'll be routing for you too my dear!

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  12. Praying for you and baby A. The journaling gave me chills! And I am so sorry about baby B. Your Faith is taking you down the right path and I can't wait to hear more along your journey!

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    1. Yay for chills! I'm so glad that journal testimony is meaningful to others!

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  13. I am so sorry for your loss...

    How amazing that you have been writing to Baby A all along! What a wonderful keepsake.

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  14. Oh Emily .... We love Baby B; I'm so sorry for your loss. I am grateful for the health of Baby A. Those journal entries are something else. Sometimes it all makes sense; sometimes He makes sense. ;) xoxo

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  15. I'm very sorry to hear about Baby B :'( hugs, friend.

    But, like you said it's very bittersweet and you have to focus on the positive...... The positive is that YOU are 9'weeks PREGNANT with Baby A. A baby that has been carved out and molded just for you all along.

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  16. Wow wow!! I felt a lump in my throat reading this. The way God works in our lives is just Amazing!! He knows everything he has perfect ways and he works all things for our God. I am so sorry that Baby B did not make it. I am grateful to God for the peace that he has given you. I am praying for this pregnancy to be blessed and safe all the way to the finish line. I am filled with joy for you Emily!!!! Really and truly! XO

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  17. I'm very sorry about the loss of Baby B, I had hopes it was just growing slow, but I'm very hopeful for Baby A and your strength is outstanding. Hang in there, I'm really rooting for you and your little one. xo

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  18. I am really and truly sorry about baby B. Having Baby A doing well doesn't take away from the loss and I'm just sorry this happened. *hugs* I am so glad to hear that Baby A is doing amazing and these letters are going to be so valuable to him or her one day. It's so special that you wrote them and I'm excited for your take-home baby, though I know this stage is still scary. I hope you're feeling okay and doing well. My thoughts and prayers are with you and as always, I continue to follow you.

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  19. I am so sorry about baby b. I will continue to pray for you and the heathy growth of baby A. I also love the song Oceans.

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  20. Emily, you know how sad I am for the loss of Baby B. However, it thrills me to know that Baby A is doing so well. You sound like you're in such a fantastic (healthy) place that is giving that little gummy bear the absolute best chance. Baby A is going to feel so much love from the second he/she enters this world and for the rest of their life. To read those letters from you is going to be a true gift. xoxoxo

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  21. I'm so sorry to hear about baby B. That is so great baby A is healthy mad strong! Love the song! Faith can be so hard at times, I think it is very human to have doubts and fears even when we know we should just trust God.

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  22. I haven't been around in a while but I'm so happy to hear that Baby A is doing so well! A huge, HUGE congrats on your pregnancy!!! I'm so sorry about losing Baby B. We also had a vanishing twin with our last pregnancy, I can certainly relate to the bittersweet feeling.

    I can't wait to follow your journey to bringing Baby A home!!!

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    1. I remember when that happened after your IVF Katharine! What a miracle to welcome your sweet baby girl after thinking you were losing the pregnancy altogether. Just such a miracle! Just saw your blog update and she's precious!

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  23. Oh Emily! I lament your loss and celebrate your success. Tears come to my eyes as I read your journal entry. I don't believe that it's just irony. I believe this is the baby that has been waiting for you. I'll be cheering you on for the next 31 weeks!

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  24. Em, I'm so sorry about baby B. I'm glad u are looking at things in an optimistic point of view. Those journals to baby A are amazing. Isn't it great when we have signs/ empiphanies that this is meant to be. Love it! Praying that Baby A keeps growing and u have a healthy pregnancy.

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  25. I love your attitude and I'm so happy to hear that baby A seems absolutely perfect and healthy. That is WONDERFUL news and seriously, very little can make me this happy! Can't wait for your next update. :)

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  26. Wow what a bittersweet moment. There's a lot you've had to deal with in the past few weeks, but it seems like you have good support and a good perspective. Love the irony about baby A

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  27. Oh Emily, I'm so sorry to hear about baby b. What a bittersweet time :/ I'm glad that baby A looks great though. I admire your journal too. I started one each time I got pregnant but after my third miscarriage I quit. What am awesome thing for your baby to have to read later on. She will know she is so, so loved and that you went through so much to bring her into the world. You're going to be an awesome mom :)

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  28. THANK YOU ALL for the sweet comments. Of course there will always be a place in our hearts for Baby B, but it's definitely more sweet than sorrow in the whole scheme of things. You ladies are awesome....still so supportive after all of this time. It means the absolute world that you are all still pulling for us, and I'm definitely pulling for all of you as well. XO

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  29. I'm sorry to hear about your loss of Baby B. But I do believe as you said, it decreases your risk for Baby A. He knows what he's doing and I think this is the baby you were supposed to have. Hugs to you friend and congrats on your milestone to making it to 9 weeks.

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  30. I nominated you! Congrats!! Check out the link below :)

    http://waitingforbabybird.com/2014/01/20/its-a-major-award/

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  31. So, so sorry for your loss :(

    Glad to see you have found the comfort you need, and that you are maintaining a positive outlook as best you can.

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  32. I'm so sorry for your loss, but glad that you are staying positive about Baby A. :)

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