Fender Benders and Fluffy New Friends

Nothing like the high pitch sound of screeching tires coming from behind, as you are traveling a whopping 5 mph on the entrance ramp to a major highway....behind a line of cars doing the same. Nowhere to go, and nothing you can do at that point, except just wait to be smacked from behind.

Luckily our damage was very minor. Thank you Acura!

His car will take a little more to fix.

Apparently, this guy wasn't paying attention. Texting? Who knows, but he was texting non-stop after we pulled over to assess the damage in the median of I-35. Of course, he also had no driver's license (only an ID from Mexico) and spoke very little English. Great! We had to beg the cops to come, as they do not typically come to minor car accidents in TX. They tell you to just exchange info. Um, really? It's so weird and off-putting, not only that the they don't officially place blame on the faulty driver, but that you are forced to give the other party your address.

We're not the biggest fans of strangers having our address and actually had a security system installed when we first moved here because of this....hubby was in an accident with some very ignorant people who were threatening him after THEY ran a stop sign and totaled his car in downtown Austin. This weekend's incident makes our 4th accident in a 4th car, since living here in only 5 years. Someone please remind me why on earth people are scared to fly? Anyhoo, cops finally came, issued the other driver two tickets, and sent us on our way.

It wasn't until later that I started wondering and hoping that nothing could possibly be wrong with Preston or the pregnancy. I felt fine, the damage and impact we felt was minimal, and no signs of anything awry. However, this is when I probably shouldn't google stuff, because I found a whole plethora of less than reassuring info. about detached placentas and other ill side effects of collisions while pregnant.

We were just at the perinatologist 4 days earlier (receiving another great report), but after a call to the nurse, back in we went to check things out. I was asked about signs of possible complications including those associated with detached placenta, and was experiencing none (severe pain & bruising of abdomen, bleeding, cramping, baby moving less, etc.). An u/s of Preston revealed he was wiggling around like crazy, showing off with the cutest stretching motions with his arms. We'd never seen him sport those moves before, and now hubby's convinced he's clearly warming up to swing a golf club. Amniotic fluid looked good, heartbeat was strong @ 155 bpm, and placenta was still attached just as it should be. In the peri's words, "Baby is happy as a clam in there!"

We didn't leave without becoming privy to some of the doc's crazy stories about patients he's seen get in accidents. One actually got hit by a train on the driver's side of her car while pregnant, another fell out of the back of a pick-up truck while it was moving, and countless others have fallen down stairs. Sometimes I have to wonder why he tells us this stuff, but I get his personality by now...he was just trying to illustrate when to worry and when not to worry.

In our case, no need to worry. Life goes on. Insurance is handling the damage to our vehicle. Going through something minor like this is always a good wake-up call. Even though this wasn't our fault, I really should follow a safer distance behind other vehicles myself and be extra careful. I don't need anything more severe to teach me that lesson.

I'm also glad that I pray over our family most every morning... I'd actually just prayed the morning of the fender bender for protection as we traveled to our Baby Care Basics class that day. (The fender bender occurred on our return home). At first, I was kind of annoyed, like HELLO GOD, didn't you hear me ask for protection and safety today??? Once I put things in perspective though, I realized that HE DID protect us. It really could have been much worse, and we could be dealing with a whole different set of circumstances right now. We're just so very thankful we're not.

And of course, just as I was questioning whether God is actually protecting us or if He hears my prayers (for the millionth time), the next day I woke up to this devotional...

Leave it to the Jesus Calling devotional to give me the reminders I need, right when I need them most. Seriously love this book...always on-time!

In other good news, I received an awesome gift that I couldn't resist sharing. We've named him "Bob" after my favorite grandpa who passed away, and because...well he just seems like a Bob. He was a thank you gift from my dear friend, Suzanne, who is one of the sweetest and most thoughtful people on the planet...like a long lost sister who definitely lives much too far away. Suzanne, if you read this, you'll be happy to know that Walter's new brother, Bob, is enjoying his new home under the tree in Preston's nursery. hehe

You must snuggle Bob to appreciate him fully! OMG so soft!

I cannot stop touching this little guy. He's so stinking SOFT and just begs to be snuggled every time I pass by him. I know Preston will absolutely love him too.

Please stop by to wish Suzanne happy thoughts and prayers as she travels to CO this week for an endometrial lining check and possible frozen embryo transfer. As many of you know, it's very touch and go leading up to any transfer, and she deserves every bit of encouragement she can get!

Mixed Emotions of Mother's Day, but Hooty Hoo! Nursery is Complete

This Mother's Day was a bit surreal. I had several people texting me and tagging me in Happy Mother's Day posts on facebook. On one hand, it feels nice to even be considered part of this "exclusive club" that has obviously existed for centuries prior to us becoming pregnant. On the other hand, in the strangest of ways, I couldn't help but think of the old SNL skit with Eddie Murphy called "White Like Me." Such a classic! Watch through the link if you haven't seen it.

In the video, Murphy goes undercover as a white person to see what it's really like. About half-way through, there is a bus scene where he becomes privy to the big "party" that's been going on without him this whole time. The look on his face... exactly how I felt this Mother's Day.

I will be the first to admit I haven't come to terms emotionally with all of the scars left behind from "Project Reproduction." I'm sure to some, it may seem like I should just be happy we're pregnant and get over it already, but unless you've traveled a similar path please don't judge. I know now, that being pregnant does not simply erase all of the hurt left behind or the feelings of inadequacy.

Part of me thinks some of the bitterness still remains in part as a classically conditioned response....after putting up barriers and walls to protect myself from hurting for so long, I formed automated responses to dealing and blocking things out....to the point where it's second nature. And while I'm trying to break those habits and focus on where we're at NOW, I am continually surprised at the random unwanted emotions that continue to crop up out of nowhere. I'm trying my best to learn how to navigate "the other side."

One of the ways I've tried to heal is to let my worries go regarding pregnancy losses of the past. I haven't bought an at-home doppler to monitor heart rate of the baby at home like many women do, because I feel it's a way to force myself to let go of control and worry. While it might seem like a small step, it's allowing me to place my faith in God more, and to also truly rest from trying to control things. Instead, I'm doing weekly pregnancy devotionals to pray about each step of the pregnancy.

The other thing I've done is force myself to enjoy the milestones of this pregnancy. It took courage to make a public pregnancy announcement to family and friends outside of my blog buddies, because of past experiences. A part of me thought that if I made an announcement I would be jinxed and would lose the pregnancy the next day....probably because this is what happened with our first pregnancy. I know it's highly irrational, but this is the crazy kind of stuff that goes through one's head who's experienced losses.

It was hard to gain enough confidence to buy that first baby outfit and to purchase nursery decor at first. What if I woke up and this was all a dream? What if just when I did these things, this pregnancy was taken from me? I'm sure there is a better approach to dealing with those feelings that emerged, but all I knew to do was STUFF IT back down deep inside...forcing myself to JUST LET GO AND TRUST.

This weekend, we did this in a very big way. I told the hubby that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was to finish the nursery, and we did just that...

I am in love with this special place we've created for our little one. I'm in love with the most amazing man that has been there every step of the way. I'm in love with this child that is being heaven sent into our arms in only a few shorts months.

So yes, resolved to enjoy this pregnancy, despite any hesitation to open my heart too much, and to make this an experience that hubby and I will remember as one of the best times of our lives. And it has been.....it truly has. There are the fears, and there are the annoying feelings of bitterness that still make their presence known, but overall these have been some of the best days of my life. The only thing better will be meeting Preston Alexander face-to-face.

A Little Sunshine & A Lot of Bathing Suit Material

Praise God, the sunshine is making a more consistent appearance. We've been blessed with sunny 80's the past couple weeks, and today it will hit 90! YESSSS!

I realized that I have only one month's time to enjoy the quiet solitude of our community pool before it becomes infiltrated by kids blowing off steam from the school year. I've been taking full advantage of this little slice of (quiet) heaven while I can...

Have you ever seen yourself in a picture or looked in the mirror and had to do a double take, like WHO is that person?! I must admit, I looked down one day at the obscene view of someone much too large to be stuffing herself into a bikini, and realized it was yours truly. Gasp! As much as I love the warmth of the sun on my belly, and the fact that a little sun has lessened the appearance of the lovely Lovenox bruises still making a daily appearance on my tummy, I decided it was high time to cover it up already!

Just the thought of trying to find a maternity bathing suit made me want to curl up on the couch and read a book instead. However, low and behold Target saved the day yet again. Actually, this was not a "maternity" bathing suit, but many other clothes I've bought recently aren't either. It just happened to cover my rump and my bump with enough square footage of cloth, and for only $40 total SOLD...

$25 for top & $15 for bottom @ Target

I happen to love this shade of blue and not because my hubby is a FL Gator. This is the 3rd bathing suit I've owned in this color. When I got home, I realized I must document this momentous occasion by making a "before and after" pic, because it's just too perfect an opportunity not to.  If there is one thing I can do well, it's make fun of myself, and I'm brazen enough to share if it can bring a chuckle to someone else's day...

After @ 24 Weeks

HA! If that isn't a reality check, I don't know what is! Someday in the far far away future, I will hopefully have some semblance of the ole bod back, but for now it's worth every sacrifice in the world to be topping a record scale weight and sporting a "mom suit."

Then came the reality check that laying out is not such an easy task anymore either. Not allowed to lay on my back for an extended time, and there is no way I can lay on the belly either. After trying the whole laying out on my side thing (sans pillow between knees...big mistake), and then not being able to walk for 24 hours afterwards, I sought out a better option and found this...

$17 @ WalMart

I highly recommend one of these spring rafts w/mesh hammocks to float in. It's super lightweight, only requires a few seconds to blow up the outer ring & pillow, and folds up into this handy little bag. You can lay face down with your tummy on the mesh hammock immersed into water. There is zero resistance and you can finally get some sun on your backside. Score!

OB has assured me I can swim safely the entire pregnancy, and there are no restrictions as far as laying in cold water or sunning myself. Both he and my dermatologist have also told me there are no specific ingredients or chemicals to avoid in sunscreens either, although I take that sort of advice with a grain of salt and try to make the best choices I can, despite their lackadaisical approach to consumer products.

Obviously, the best choice for sunscreen would probably be slathering ourselves with mud, but that's no fun to lay out in. And because I'm not appearing on an episode of Naked and Afraid anytime soon, I highly doubt you'll see me sporting mud head to toe. The other option is a 100% mineral sunscreen, but unfortunately most I've used are thick and pasty, and I'm not even going to try applying that mess on my back. So, I decided I'm not fixated on being "perfect" in regards to a sunscreen choice, but will be "better" where I can. I found this sunscreen spray, which I LOVE! Although it's not perfect, it doesn't contain oxybenzone or nanoparticles, and it's a brand name I trust more than others.

$10/bottle @ Sprouts

Looooove this stuff. Check it out if you are looking for a sunscreen that feels soft (like a very light oil), smells fabulous (like a dreamscicle), sprays upside down, and prevents burning while still leaving you with a nice even tan. If you have a Sprouts nearby, they are having a 25% off sale on all body products this month, and there is a $2 coupon on each bottle on top of their store discount. If you are a fellow fan of the EWG website, they have a pretty handy page with other options in their Guide to Sunscreens you can check out as well.

Changing gears and speaking of exciting new products, we received our first registry gifts from some sweet friends recently (Thanks Tim & Kristin!). It was a sweet moment to open up those gifts. Everything makes me cry these days, and of course that brought a couple happy tears. People are so generous, and I'm very thankful to those reaching out with love and support and celebrating right along with us. Still pinching myself that this is actually happening, and that we are getting to experience some fun milestones of pregnancy like other "normal people." :)

We had our 24 week apt. with our OB on Friday, and although we didn't get an u/s we weren't disappointed.  Preston has been throwing some major kicks and jabs and doing well at reminding me that he's alive and well in there. His kicks are definitely up a notch from what they first were at 17.5 weeks, when movement was first evident. The TV remote, which was resting on my side the other day, actually jumped from his kicks. So wild. Hopefully hubby won't get too sick of me remarking about the movement, because it's just so cool to feel, and I don't think I'll ever lose my fascination with the whole thing.

Preston's heartbeat was strong @ 151 bpm, and I still get all giddy every time I hear it, especially since I don't use an at home doppler and am resolved not to buy one. Not being a control freak with at home monitoring is helping me strengthen my "faith muscle, " and waiting for doctor's apts. to hear the heartbeat makes it that much more special each time.

All in all, things couldn't be any better. A happy wife is a happy life. We've gotten quite a bit done with the nursery, but still aren't completely finished. Will post an update on that once it's complete. Right now, the sun is calling my name. :)

The Path to Parenthood Continues & A Little Word of Encouragement

And so the preparation for sticky hands and a new chapter of life continues. I mentioned before that we were cleaning out closets, selling stuff at garage sales, etc. Well, the trend has continued. For the past two weeks now we've been wheeling and dealing stuff on craigslist like there's no tomorrow. I get the biggest thrill out of selling stuff on there. Raise your hand if you LOVE craigslist!!! I'm guessing it's got to be some sort of disorder similar to that of people who like hoarding stuff. However, it's opposite for me. Freeing up open space is so therapeutic!

We even sold some art that we absolutely loved.  I'll pay a brief homage here for anyone who appreciates good photography to the phenomenal Peter Lik, who created the pieces we sold. We no longer have a giant 90 inch tall cavern in our foyer or a beautiful peaceful tree above our dining room table, but we enjoyed them while they were in our lives...

"SHINE" by Peter Lik

"INNER PEACE" by Peter Lik

Yes, we were admittedly smitten with these materialistic objects. However, it's funny how your priorities and tastes change as you transition through life. When we sprang for art, kids certainly weren't on the brain. We were simply looking for an investment into home decor. Fast forward a few years, and we find ourselves discussing the more pressing need to start truly planning for retirement, paying off hubby's MBA, maybe building a pool for our family, and saving for our kid's college education...even though the child is not even here yet.  Somehow, having nice art just got knocked waaaay down on the totem pole. Do I miss it? Nope. Not really. I still appreciate the talent, but there are bigger fish to fry here in this thing called life.

Speaking of planning, I'm trying to be good about going through the month-by-month checklist given to us by our OB. Apparently, now is the time to register for childbirth/parenting classes and to choose a pediatrician. Wow, talk about a reality check! This parenting thing is really happening!

I've made an executive decision on our behalf as a couple to go totally rogue and NOT take childbirth classes. For one, the classes are sooooo long and at really inconvenient times clear on the other side of the city. We aren't lazy people of course. We'd put forth the effort if we felt it would really alter Preston's life. However, after talking to many women who've already given birth, it's quite clear that much of the information they teach goes in one ear and out the other.

It's also clear that no matter how much you think you know how to do Lamaze breathing or have your birth plan all spelled out, there is no telling what will go down in that delivery room. Feel free to talk me into it if you've taken childbirth classes and felt they were some sort of lifesaver, but my gut tells me we'll be perfectly fine just winging it.

As I've said before, I'm more concerned about learning how to best care for Preston once he arrives. Hubby and I are instead enrolled in a much shorter Baby Care Basics class that teaches newborn childcare, and we'll be taking the short Breastfeeding class, as well as hiring a lactation consultant to help give pointers on that. We will also be doing a tour of the maternity ward at our hospital. Outside of that, no plans for any other classes. Being selective is all part of the master plan to conserve energy and brain power for the things that matter most. Let's hope I don't kick myself later for being clueless on certain topics!

Happy to report that I met with Preston's pediatrician yesterday, and I LOVE HER! She came recommended through our neighborhood message board, and I can see why. She answered all of my questions and concerns about vaccines, newborn protocols, and gave me a calendar of appointments to expect for the first few years of life. Nowadays babies are typically given a Hepatitis B vaccine before even leaving the hospital, unless you elect otherwise.

I wanted to make an informed choice on vaccines BEFORE being faced with decisions in a hospital bed. As you may know, there's a lot of vacccine controversy hooplah. After speaking with the pediatrician though, any concerns I might have had are now alleviated. We will be doing ALL of the recommended vaccines, including the series of 3 Hep B shots beginning immediately after birth. The ped was a great listener, overwhelmingly sensitive and caring, and she even hugged me before I left and seemed genuinely excited to meet Preston soon. Um, that was a first to get hugged by a doctor, but I'll take it!

Yesterday was also another apt. with our perinatologist at 21w5d.  The u/s tech did a very thorough u/s checking size & function of all organs again too...pretty much another full anatomy scan really. Hearing things are on schedule or ahead is such music to our ears. It seems Preston is averaging more with each passing month. He's now measuring a full week ahead (@ 22w5d) and weighs about 2-3 oz. more than average (1.3 lbs currently).

I have a theory that Jason's Deli must be a contributing factor to this fabulous growth pattern. I cannot get enough of their spinach salads & chicken pot pie soup these days. The habit has now grown into one of take-out, after discovering you can pack roughly 2 lbs. of salad into one container. Ha! I just had it for lunch, and I want it again for dinner. Luckily, I've gained a normal amount of weight myself (15 lbs.) despite the trucker sized appetite.

Can't get enough Jason's Deli salad bar. I must be stopped!

Back to the apt...According to the doc, my "cervix is a mile long" (@40mm) which is good, because there are no signs of incompetent cervix, a cause of pre-term labor. With every positive report comes another sigh of relief and another rush of emotion and tears....tears of happiness.

And if seeing two doctors yesterday wasn't enough, I also ran into my RE for the first time since we first learned we were pregnant.  I was dropping off some old half-used meds to my IVF nurse to use for demos, and there he was. I looked at Dr. Vaughn, opened my sweater, pointed down at my 22 week tummy, and just smiled really big and started crying all at the same time. I was about to fall apart into a million pieces but thanked him as graciously as I could and just excused myself saying, "I've gotta get out of here before I break down like a crazy person!" Of course, he was totally put together and said how very happy he was for us. He is such a calming force I swear. I REALLY need to write him a letter, because Lord knows I can't keep it together in person.

I knew the moment we met this man that he was placed in our lives for a reason. I felt in my heart of hearts that he was THE ONE here on earth to help us. (Remember, he was the 2nd RE we sought help from.)  Maybe it was the figurine on his desk that read, "Babies are a gift from God." Maybe it was how well we just clicked from the first meeting and how well we communicated every step of the way. He didn't talk to me like a lay person and we understood each other without question. Yet he also just made everything so simplified in a way that both hubby and I really needed. It takes a special kind of doctor to be the perfect combination of technical yet simple.

I doubted if I was in the right place at times whenever a cycle failed or when I found myself butting heads with him on certain aspects of any given protocol; The never ending quest of the infertile woman for ANSWERS! Anytime I searched for answers elsewhere I would use the information to advocate for what I thought was worth exploring, but was always led back to him to help us implement it. I really felt in my heart that he was given a gift to help others and wasn't just some egotistical asshole in this profession for the money or because of some God complex. It's like there was an angel on my shoulder telling me to stay put and keep trying with his help, even admidst the doubts that crept in. It was a textbook "gut feeling." I trusted him. I respected him. I knew he had our best interests at heart.

And when it didn't work, we'd just try again....and again...and again. I really and truly believe that for MANY women out there trying to conceive with an extreme amount of difficulty, you want to give up the most right before you're about to actually succeed. I have been there. I know what that feels like.

I want to tell you that if you're still struggling to create a family, your life will not be ruled by infertility forever. The journey will come to an end, and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a longer journey than you would have wished, and it may take turns you didn't plan for, but you will survive and come out of this a stronger human being. This time last year, we'd just experienced our first IVF failure, and it wouldn't be the last.

To think... we began fertility treatments in 2011. It took Clomid, Femara, Chinese medicine, IUI's,  4 IVF cycles (3 FET's), 2 surgeries, and 4 pregnancy losses before finally reaching this point.....not to mention a ton of 'Come to Jesus' moments on my hands and knees. Yet here we are, in the unfathomable remarkable place of being 22 weeks along, signing up for parenting classes, and making way for a whole new life with a beautiful healthy baby. It's a daily reminder to never ever give up on something you want more than anything else in the world. I can safely say I've learned that lesson in a way I never expected to learn it.

Just the Two of Us @ 20 Weeks

Lately, I've been stopping to smell the roses as "just the two of us." There have been so many days when I am so utterly tired of being just two. The worst reminder has always been dining out..."Table for two please. Sure, place us right in the middle of 10 tables of families while you're at it!"

You'd think by now I would have mastered the art of cooking for two, but for some reason I never did. I am so stinking sick of leftovers. I know, starving kids in China, but you know what I mean. Countless times I've thought about how I'd love to have a "real family" instead of a refrigerator full of glass containers.

Don't even get me started on the stick figure families which adorn pretty much every vehicle in the continental US. There is simply no avoiding this abhorrent stamp of self-proclaimed procreative ability. Ok, maybe I'm being a tad dramatic on that one, but I seriously detest those stickers for the reminder of just two they provide at each traffic light.

Up until recently, being just two was something I've taken for granted at times. Now, I fully realize that some people are hoping and praying just to meet Mr. Right in much the same way we have been longing for a child. Believe me, I've ALWAYS been extremely grateful to have such an amazing spouse to spend my life with. It's just that in those times of struggle to create a family, it was easy to lose sight. This dark ominous cloud of what we still wanted but didn't have, seemed to creep in randomly to overshadow all the other sunshine.

However, Friday was a pretty meaningful day for us as we reached 20 weeks. This means we're half-way through this pregnancy, which brings a huge sense of relief, perhaps even more so than passing the 12 week mark or receiving a perfect anatomy scan result. I finally let the cat out of the bag on facebook, with what I hope was a tactful and humble post with a 20 week bump shot. Up until now I hadn't really said anything publicly in that type of forum.

It was like I had a Halftime Hallelujah that day! I could not stop crying, not only because of the amazing comments and support, but also because there are just so many deep thoughts & emotions swirling in my brain:

-Happiness for making it this far.
-Confidence that everything is going to be OK from here on out.
-Realization that although the journey suuuuucked to get here, the timing is good now and we'll be better parents for having gone through it. 
-Gratefulness that our prayers were finally answered.
-Sheer terror at the thought of raising another human being! ha!

Times are a changin. Shit's about to get very real. We probably won't be wading our feet in the pool leisurely at the Delano in South Beach for quite a while...

Ah, those were the days!

If I'm being frank, just two is now being embraced again in a way that it hadn't been for a very long time. I'm relishing walking up to a hostess stand requesting a table for two or squeezing into a spot at the bar for a quick slice of impromptu cheesecake at Cheesecake Factory. In fact, this is how we spent our Sunday, visiting the place where we had our first date...

Match made in Heaven: White Chocolate Caramel Macadamia Nut &
Reese's Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake cheesecake. Oh YES we did!

How about the quiet solitude of moseying around Home Depot's nursery and finding a new plant to pot on a sunny day without interruption? The lovely croton made it's way onto our front driveway last week...

I'm enjoying the little things in life with a renewed spirit of just two. Not to say we'll never travel or go out for cheesecake on a whim or work in the yard of course. I'm just very aware that once this baby arrives things will never quite be the same. The sound level and volume of drool are about to increase exponentially in a few short months. I want to relish every last bit of freedom and time we have together NOW.


However, I'm also eager to open the door to a whole new set of life experiences with this little whipper snapper that will surely change our lives for the better. We had an OB apt. on Friday and were treated to an unexpected 3D ultrasound while we waited for the doc...

Still measuring ahead and weighs about 14 oz.
Heartbeat @ 160 bpm

Preston is such a mover and shaker that it's really hard to get any pics completely in focus, but you can see his basic facial structure here and the cute little set of cheekbones he's sporting. He was literally doing jiu jitsu moves with hands square at eye level. So funny!

I love that he's already so interesting and providing entertainment for everyone!  I'm feeling the kicks and jabs more and more each day and am even picking up on his habits at certain times of day and during certain activities. Again, another thing I'm enjoying now as they are still light kicks and not the super sharp into the ribcage type of kicks quite yet.

We've been doing a lot of organizing around here too. Like any good parent, I went through any old blackmail worthy photos and shredded them to pieces. Aint nobody got time for that! hehe We've cleaned out closets to make room for baby stuff and the nursery-to-be is completely empty now. We had a garage sale this past weekend and liquidated anything collecting dust and donated things to charity. It totally kicked our butts, but we won't have time to do this stuff once baby is here, so chipping away at it while we can.

And now, I feel the fun is "allowed to begin" perhaps in ways that I wasn't prepared emotionally to let it before. I ordered the crib, crib bedding, and a wall decal today...a ritual I didn't take lightly and was saving for the 20 week mark. In the next couple of weeks, we may actually have a semblance of a nursery. Still so much more left to do, but we're taking it one very slow day at a time....just the two of us.

Breast Pump Epiphanies & Anatomy Scan

Forgive me if I continue to sound like a fish out of water with some of this pregnancy and motherhood stuff. Everyone has to start somewhere, and I'm starting from square 1.  Like many other women who traveled the road of fertility treatments prior, it's like once I became pregnant I was just totally BURNT OUT on learning anything. I've literally only read one book, The Complete Organic Pregnancy, which didn't talk much about birth but served more as a reminder that I should be walking around in a plastic bubble (a BPA free one of course) to protect me from the ravages of this toxic planet we live on.

It's highly unlike me to be so unmotivated to learn about such an important new life experience.There are other books I'd been saving for pregnancy, like Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, but still haven't made the effort.  However, I am honestly enjoying NOT being an expert about something for once. Furthermore, the girl who once thought she might have a completely natural birth (possibly not even at a hospital) has made a complete 180 and decided that I'm OK handing the reigns to my OB. I'm seeing a MFM specialist/perinatologist every month and my OB in between, so I have an apt. every 2 weeks right now to assess everything...really not much they can miss I'm guessing.

Plus, I've heard enough stories about well-intentioned birth plans that change according to circumstances last minute. I'm not going to say I do want an epidural, because what if I go into labor too quickly and there's not enough time? I'm not going to say I don't want an epidural, because I have no crystal ball on how bad the pain will be. I don't want to set all these expectations and then have my plan changed, because I am not good at dealing with defeat. All I know is I'd like to avoid a C section or induction unless it's medically necessary. Outside of that, I'm leaving it up to the people who went to school and have been delivering babies as long as I've been alive.

Still, after taking a loooong hiatus from the infertility forums on BBC, I decided it might benefit me to go back online and learn a thing or two about all the stuff I'm supposed to be doing. Hearing about everyone else's nurseries in full force and all the things they already have ready-to-go motivated me to start thinking about a gift registry, which I quickly realized I knew nothing about either. Luckily, I got some good advice from several women with newborns and toddlers, and I discovered there are also some good examples of must have items on amazon.com from other new parents.

The one thing I've become acutely aware of when reading comments on baby forums is that breastfeeding is definitely not the picture perfect experience of peacefulness and solitude we'd like to believe it is, especially in the beginning; More like a continuum of bloody cracked nipples, finding time to pump, and figuring out which bottles your baby will drink from to give yourself relief, all the while battling baby bouts of acid reflux and screaming at the top of their lungs. I can't say I wasn't warned, that's for sure.
 
Once again, I was taken back once I clicked on the plethora of pumping bras available to the modern woman. These are the images taken from one...

Yep, I'm sure that's exactly how I'll look and feel!

Look how thrilled she is to be pumping at work!

Why even try with the polka dots? Seriously, you can't make that thing cute.

Lord help my husband to still find me attractive once he sees this watermelon exiting my body and the year of oh so fashionable lingerie which will follow. I don't know if I can bring myself to buy one of these things. I might just cut a couple holes in my sports bras or just wear nursing tanks, which are way less scary in my opinion.

It will all be worth it in the end though for our little guy. This was taken at his anatomy scan yesterday, which he passed with flying colors thankfully!

Preston waving @ 17w5d. (Measuring 18w1d & heartbeat @ 147bpm)

Favorite part of the scan was seeing all the structures of the brain and the heart. They look at EVERY single part of the baby's body inside and out, even the arteries and chambers within the heart to see how they're functioning. Those pics are hard to get with him wiggling so much, but very fascinating stuff.

We received our third confirmation that he's definitely a boy...

WARNING BABY PORN: Under the booty shot

Think he might already have some running legs on him too...

Ironically, I felt him kicking for the first time yesterday morning before getting out of bed...a very surreal feeling indeed. Of course, now I'm laying in bed every morning at 4 am completely fixated on my abdomen, waiting for the sheer chance I'll get to feel him again. Hopefully it will become more frequent and pronounced over the next couple weeks.

In other good news, the hubby accepted a fantastic job offer from a software company that recruited him very aggressively. He's now a Vice President of Sales, which is a step up in title for him from Director at his last position, even though he was doing the role of a VP all along really. It's just really nice to see him get so much interest from everyone he's interviewed with, because he's so outstanding at what he does. He deserves to finally have his talents celebrated and appreciated.

Best of all, we're not moving away from Austin, which was a very real possibility as other job opportunities were entertained the last few weeks. It's an interesting feeling to be almost half way through a pregnancy and living in limbo, not sure if/when you might need to pack up and move, praying that your COBRA healthcare will go through appropriately during the unemployment. We're just so thankful it's all a non-issue now, and Preston can begin his life right here in a safe home we already know and love. I am so proud of hubby, and I know Preston will be proud to call him his dad. Hopefully, I can get over all the scariness and newness of motherhood once it is really here, and I will be a mom everyone can be proud of too.

Taking the Plunge

There is no other way to describe the mind over matter that took place today as I finally braved the murky waters of the maternity sections at Target and Ross. I'd peeked over there briefly once before, but was instantly hit with an emotion I can only liken to walking in on your parents having sex when you're 5...and yes, that really happened to me as well! I guess if you want to keep it G rated, you can liken it to the first time you dove into the deep end of a pool. Either way, it was scary stuff!

Perhaps it's because I've never gone maternity shopping with anyone else. I'd seen the extremely strange pants before, but never had I actually tried them on myself. Talk about a weird experience. I am doubly cursed, because I have an abnormally large ass in comparison to my waist, so here I am faced with the saaaame conundrum I have faced my entire life; If I buy pants large enough to fit over my ass, the waist is still ridiculously large. Baby's got back, and clearly that has not changed with the presence of an actual baby. The only jeans and pants that have ever fit correctly are from Express or Michael Kors.

As with anything else though, I did not give up! I tried and tried until I found some things that actually worked for me in the form of dresses, maxi skirts and a boatload of comfy shirts. And drumroll please... I walked away with two whole bags of clothes (3 long sleeve tops, 4 short sleeves, 3 tank tops, 1 cami, 1 maxi dress, 1 maxi skirt, 1 tunic/dress thing, and a belly band) all for under $200! Think I set a record on that trip for deal stealing.

I'd like to add that whomever invented this belly band idea deserves a Nobel Peace Prize. You don't even have to be pregnant to use this thing. Apparently it is made for problem preggos just like me who need help with the transition into and out of maternity pants. However, it could just as easily be used for a fat day. You basically just leave your regular pants unbuttoned with the fly wide open and then scoot this wide spandex band over the top to hold the pants up and smooth out any visible buttons or lines...which hides the fact your pants are completely undone under your shirt. Genius!

Is it just me, or should someone create a line of these for plumbers? I feel like I've been living under a rock or something, but better to discover late than never. This little gem is seriously going to save us some coin, because now I can rock my regular pants and jeans a wee bit longer. Believe me, I'm not in total denial though. I know that eventually my ass is going to double in size and there will be no hope for a measly opening of the fly to save the day. For now, it's a life saver and I'm grateful for it!

Today's epiphany: No wonder I felt like I was sucking my stomach in for so long. Everything was too damn small. I feel like I can finally breathe now! The last thing I tried on reluctantly on a whim ended up being my favorite...

It's much cuter on too!

And speaking of taking the plunge, I also broke down and got highlights this week. After waiting it out the entire first trimester, and becoming so frumpy and downtrodden I didn't even want to leave my own house, I was given clearance along with the usual "You worry too much" nod of the head from my OB. Also, my justification for believing in the safety of highlights was that if billions of pregnant people have soaked their entire body and largest organ with billions of sponge-like pores (the skin) in chlorine filled swimming pools for hours on end without issue, then why should applying hair dye without even touching the scalp to dead hair affect anything? Yeah, I think I'm safe there.

Other rebellious and outlandish things I've done this week include eating Chik-Fil-A (with gluten-filled sandwich bun) for lunch today and eating 2.5 Boar's Head turkey & cheddar sandwiches for dinner last night. Those of you who know me know that I am normally a very healthy eater. Up until now, my cravings have just been for vegetables, fruits, and all things healthy...nothing new at all. Well, not this week!

Someone I have never met before has snatched my body and is craving deli meat, cheese, and bread. I never had any real cravings up until this point, but it's like I can't get enough cheddar cheese especially. I'm eating sandwiches like they're going out of style. Additionally, I may or may not have made 2 dozen homemade monster cookies as well....

Damn that Paula Deen and her tasty recipes! Does it count that these are gluten-free? No, still not healthy? Oh well, I am learning to let go a little and enjoy things when I want them. I have the whole rest of my life to be fit, and I can't help that I'm so damn hungry!  I did give away 18 of these ginormous cookies, because otherwise I would have eaten them all.

Not to worry, Preston is still being fed a mostly organic diet, and I'm eating healthy at least 70% of the time. I guess I should feel lucky I lasted until 16 weeks before the maternity clothes and cravings came into play. However, I'm just warning you ahead of time; There is a very good chance I may blow up to the size of a bounce house by the time summer arrives.  I guess I'm just becoming OK with embracing the adventures into maternity land, and by God, I'm going to indulge in a little dairy, gluten, and sugar here and there if I want to!