In the video, Murphy goes undercover as a white person to see what it's really like. About half-way through, there is a bus scene where he becomes privy to the big "party" that's been going on without him this whole time. The look on his face... exactly how I felt this Mother's Day.
I will be the first to admit I haven't come to terms emotionally with all of the scars left behind from "Project Reproduction." I'm sure to some, it may seem like I should just be happy we're pregnant and get over it already, but unless you've traveled a similar path please don't judge. I know now, that being pregnant does not simply erase all of the hurt left behind or the feelings of inadequacy.
Part of me thinks some of the bitterness still remains in part as a classically conditioned response....after putting up barriers and walls to protect myself from hurting for so long, I formed automated responses to dealing and blocking things out....to the point where it's second nature. And while I'm trying to break those habits and focus on where we're at NOW, I am continually surprised at the random unwanted emotions that continue to crop up out of nowhere. I'm trying my best to learn how to navigate "the other side."
One of the ways I've tried to heal is to let my worries go regarding pregnancy losses of the past. I haven't bought an at-home doppler to monitor heart rate of the baby at home like many women do, because I feel it's a way to force myself to let go of control and worry. While it might seem like a small step, it's allowing me to place my faith in God more, and to also truly rest from trying to control things. Instead, I'm doing weekly pregnancy devotionals to pray about each step of the pregnancy.
The other thing I've done is force myself to enjoy the milestones of this pregnancy. It took courage to make a public pregnancy announcement to family and friends outside of my blog buddies, because of past experiences. A part of me thought that if I made an announcement I would be jinxed and would lose the pregnancy the next day....probably because this is what happened with our first pregnancy. I know it's highly irrational, but this is the crazy kind of stuff that goes through one's head who's experienced losses.
It was hard to gain enough confidence to buy that first baby outfit and to purchase nursery decor at first. What if I woke up and this was all a dream? What if just when I did these things, this pregnancy was taken from me? I'm sure there is a better approach to dealing with those feelings that emerged, but all I knew to do was STUFF IT back down deep inside...forcing myself to JUST LET GO AND TRUST.
This weekend, we did this in a very big way. I told the hubby that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was to finish the nursery, and we did just that...
So yes, resolved to enjoy this pregnancy, despite any hesitation to open my heart too much, and to make this an experience that hubby and I will remember as one of the best times of our lives. And it has been.....it truly has. There are the fears, and there are the annoying feelings of bitterness that still make their presence known, but overall these have been some of the best days of my life. The only thing better will be meeting Preston Alexander face-to-face.