Monday, May 12, 2014

Mixed Emotions of Mother's Day, but Hooty Hoo! Nursery is Complete

This Mother's Day was a bit surreal. I had several people texting me and tagging me in Happy Mother's Day posts on facebook. On one hand, it feels nice to even be considered part of this "exclusive club" that has obviously existed for centuries prior to us becoming pregnant. On the other hand, in the strangest of ways, I couldn't help but think of the old SNL skit with Eddie Murphy called "White Like Me." Such a classic! Watch through the link if you haven't seen it.

In the video, Murphy goes undercover as a white person to see what it's really like. About half-way through, there is a bus scene where he becomes privy to the big "party" that's been going on without him this whole time. The look on his face... exactly how I felt this Mother's Day.

I will be the first to admit I haven't come to terms emotionally with all of the scars left behind from "Project Reproduction." I'm sure to some, it may seem like I should just be happy we're pregnant and get over it already, but unless you've traveled a similar path please don't judge. I know now, that being pregnant does not simply erase all of the hurt left behind or the feelings of inadequacy.

Part of me thinks some of the bitterness still remains in part as a classically conditioned response....after putting up barriers and walls to protect myself from hurting for so long, I formed automated responses to dealing and blocking things out....to the point where it's second nature. And while I'm trying to break those habits and focus on where we're at NOW, I am continually surprised at the random unwanted emotions that continue to crop up out of nowhere. I'm trying my best to learn how to navigate "the other side."

One of the ways I've tried to heal is to let my worries go regarding pregnancy losses of the past. I haven't bought an at-home doppler to monitor heart rate of the baby at home like many women do, because I feel it's a way to force myself to let go of control and worry. While it might seem like a small step, it's allowing me to place my faith in God more, and to also truly rest from trying to control things. Instead, I'm doing weekly pregnancy devotionals to pray about each step of the pregnancy.

The other thing I've done is force myself to enjoy the milestones of this pregnancy. It took courage to make a public pregnancy announcement to family and friends outside of my blog buddies, because of past experiences. A part of me thought that if I made an announcement I would be jinxed and would lose the pregnancy the next day....probably because this is what happened with our first pregnancy. I know it's highly irrational, but this is the crazy kind of stuff that goes through one's head who's experienced losses.

It was hard to gain enough confidence to buy that first baby outfit and to purchase nursery decor at first. What if I woke up and this was all a dream? What if just when I did these things, this pregnancy was taken from me? I'm sure there is a better approach to dealing with those feelings that emerged, but all I knew to do was STUFF IT back down deep inside...forcing myself to JUST LET GO AND TRUST.

This weekend, we did this in a very big way. I told the hubby that the only thing I wanted for Mother's Day was to finish the nursery, and we did just that...















I am in love with this special place we've created for our little one. I'm in love with the most amazing man that has been there every step of the way. I'm in love with this child that is being heaven sent into our arms in only a few shorts months.

So yes, resolved to enjoy this pregnancy, despite any hesitation to open my heart too much, and to make this an experience that hubby and I will remember as one of the best times of our lives. And it has been.....it truly has. There are the fears, and there are the annoying feelings of bitterness that still make their presence known, but overall these have been some of the best days of my life. The only thing better will be meeting Preston Alexander face-to-face.

45 comments:

  1. The nursery is just precious Emily!! I love it!

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    1. Thanks Amie. It was a lot of work, but so happy it's done!

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  2. The nursery is beautiful, Emily. I absolutely adore the owls! I think Preston would love the Skip Hop Treetop Friends Owl Trio from Target (especially since the brown one has a tag on it... I haven't met a baby yet who isn't fascinated by a tag).

    We didn't finish Reid's nursery until shortly before he was born. Mostly, because, I think we were too scared to. Because finishing his nursery meant we were completely confident that we were going to hold him in our arms, and experiencing our loss due to blighted ovum robbed us of that confidence. We were so carefree when I was pregnant with Mason years ago. Not so with Reid. But I remember sitting in his room, three weeks before his due date, and finally realizing we were ready to feel confident. I hate that is took so long. I'm glad you are finding peace sooner than we did.

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    1. Sounds like you can relate, and thank you for letting me know I'm not the only one who's had mixed emotions.

      Yes, the Skip Hop Trio! Preston is already registered for that through amazon.com! Glad to hear it's a good one!

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    2. Definitely relate. I also remember when I finally starting thinking of names, and how I felt so vulnerable while looking at the Name Berry web site. I texted my husband a list of names I liked, and he wasn't ready. It took him a loooooooong time before he could finally help me choose a name. We never really talked about it, but I knew. He was just as scared as I was.

      Oh, the Trio is great! Reid really took a shining to that brown one. Now he's moved on to my kitchen whisks (the small rubbery ones). Those are his new favorite toys. Go figure!

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  3. Wow I absolutely love the nursery!!

    And I don't think Mother's Day will ever pass without thinking of everything we did to get here, but I'm glad to hear you were still able to enjoy it :)

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    1. Agreed. Just something about that holiday that makes it seem like it will always be hard. Maybe once I get a breakfast in bed from Preston someday it will really hit home that I don't have to mourn it anymore.

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  4. Em...it is gorgeous!!! Love your nursery. Little Preston is a lucky little man to have y'all for his family. Hugs...and happy Mother's Day!

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    1. Thanks sweets. I can't wait to celebrate all of your fun milestones with you too!

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  5. I love it! I think we all that have traveled the road of infertility will feel the same way when we achieve a healthy pregnancy.

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    1. I think you're right Lisa. When you're going through infertility, you think all that matters is getting pregnant. It's kind of surprising how the effects can last and crop up from time to time in weird ways.

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  6. This is fabulous!! Your words are so true and resinate with me. It's difficult to go through this journey and those feelings don't just disappear when there is finally a little one on the way. Happy Mothers Day sweetie! Preston is one lucky little guy!

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    1. So glad you can relate! THIS is why I blog. I love you ladies!

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  7. You said exactly what I was feeling yesterday too! It was hard to enjoy yesterday because I'm so used to being upset on this day. It's like when people announce their pregnant and that jealous feeling comes up even though I'm pregnant! Our minds are just so used to feeling a certain way, it's hard to feel any other way!

    And by the way, the nursery is so cute! I can't wait to finish Reagan's!

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    1. Ditto! Isn't it strange? We know it's not rational, yet we can't deny how we feel. Thanks for being honest enough to share the sentiment. Hopefully we'll get over it eventually? Someday this century perhaps? Can't wait to see Reagan's nursery too!

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  8. I'm sure those mixed emotions will sneak up on you from time to time, but you are so deserving of this happiness, Em :) Such a cute nursery, can't wait to see pics of your little man! xo

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    1. You are the sweetest Sarah. Thank you for telling me I'm deserving. I know I am, but it's nice to hear those words from another person. It just makes me believe it more.

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  9. I love it so much!!! I also found Mother's Day a bit strange, and it took some getting used to accepting all the "Happy Mother's Day!" wishes thrown my way. It was nice... but weird! I still don't feel "deserving" of it.

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    1. I feel you. In one sense I was happy to receive kind words, but a small part of me thought in the back of my mind...Ok great, but sure would have been nice to get a "thinking of you" on the Mother's Days when I wasn't expecting even moreso than now. I can't blame them though, since no one gets a manual on how to deal with infertile friends. As my mom would have said, "Can't win for losin!" I truly do appreciate all of my friends' gestures. My backwards view isn't their fault at all...just a side effect of the crazy journey to get here.

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  10. Beautiful nursery!! Preston is one lucky little guy :). And I know how you feel about Mother's Day. I almost felt MORE emotional about it this year than I have in the past.... xoxo

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    1. Thanks Aubrey on the nursery, and also for relating. I can't wait to see your nursery all put together too!

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  11. It's so funny that I didn't read your blog post until I'd made my new one, and I see a theme here that we are both working on in our own ways - letting go and trusting in God. I am so glad that you are taking baby steps to relinquish some of the "control" we often feel that we need to have, and I hope it brings you some peace. I love the nursery! It is precious!

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    1. I just read your blog. So proud of you! Definitely, I think that the more control we can give up, the more peace it brings.

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  12. I couldn't get my nursery done until 34 weeks as was so worried is jinx myself and then a friend at work said "you do realise that you are having a baby?" So I took the brave step and set it up and it felt good. I was so anxious even in the delivery room and when he was handed to me it was only then that I really exhaled! I think
    It's extremely normal considering the battle with infertility but it's great you are recognising it now as the anxiety does continue once bubs arrives so the sooner you can live in the now, the better! So much love to you and Preston! X

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    1. Yeah, I've heard from women who are even more hesitant than myself to get things going with nurseries or believing they are actually becoming parents...up until the day the child is born and even afterwards. I'm grateful I've been able to actually enjoy the process BEFORE he's born, but I'm sure that moment he's handed to us will really seal the deal in a way that's needed.

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  13. Oh my goodness, the nursery is PERFECT! I love it!!

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    1. Thanks so much! A few things left to add, like changing table, diapers...small stuff, but at least the big stuff is done.

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  14. The nursery is perfect. I absolutely love it.

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    1. Thank you my friend! Thank you for being around to support me. It really means the world to me. Love you! :)

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  15. OMG! What an awesome nursery for baby to grow up in! It's SO hard trying to embrace this journey sometimes because it's so surreal and scary. I feel the same way about not wanting to jinx anything but we really do need to stop and smell the roses and try to embrace every minute of it!

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    1. Definitely agree. It gets easier the further along you get, but in the beginning it's really hard. Now, it's finally getting real. Will be happy once I make it into the 30's weeks, because every week that goes by helps with confidence.

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  16. face-to-face!! Can't wait for that moment for you sweet friend! The time is soon! You know how much I love that nursery! Praying that all bitterness would be gone - the enemy wants to continue to attack you but praying that you will be able to cross that line and take that step of faith that YES you are a mom and that you don't have to live or be defined by what it took you to get to that point!! The old has gone, the new has come - love you xoxo

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    1. Have I told you lately that you rock? Well, YOU DO! Thank you for always reminding me where my head needs to be at!

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  17. OMG! What a darling nursery! And what a great way to spend your first Mother's Day as Preston's mommy! I'm so happy for you Emily.

    As usual, I can relate and literally hear myself in so much of your words. Obviously, some of it is a little different since I already have been blessed with Taylor, and I struggle with SI.... but there is so much of what you write that I can relate to literally WORD.FOR.WORD.

    Reading your post brought me to tears. Happy ones because I'm just so giddy for you and your hubs. And bittersweet ones because infertility leaves scars. They can be covered up, but they don't go away. We learn how to live with them, and how to work around them, but they are still there.

    Thanks for sharing. xoxoxoxoxo

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    1. Beautifully said Darcie...covered up but not going away. Thanks for being so over-the-moon for us. :)

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  18. I have to assume that mixed emotions on Mother's Day are pretty standard. I was thinking myself on Sunday that the day is probably ruined for me even if I am a mom one day with kids to hold, babies to feed, and boo boos to kiss. Even if I cross over, there will always be friends left behind, friends to who are struggling on that day. I don't think it will ever be a joyous, wonderful day... even if I'm pampered and showered with affection on that day in the future, I'll always mourn the loss of my babies and think of my friends still in the trenches. It just doesn't feel like a day to 100% rejoice... it feels like a day to give thanks and remember.

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    1. Well, there were definitely joyous moments, so I don't mean to come off as ungrateful or unhappy. It's more of a weird feeling for me than a super sad one (outside of the sadness of missing my own mom). Once you are pregnant (which you WILL be) I bet you'll think Mother's Day gets easier, although you will always remember those people and loved ones you mentioned. Maybe after becoming moms and with time it will become less weird for us all.

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  19. Eeek! I love the nursery. I always seemed to love owls and monkeys for baby nurseries. Preston is sure going to love it. I'm glad u got to experience those wonderful wishes on Mother's Day. I understand those feelings of not wanting to jinx anything. I'm not even pregnant yet and I'm already telling myself I will absolutely not tell anyone like last time until I am showing lol!

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    1. I can totally understand why Jo Jo. First pregnancy we told people immediately, then lost it. Second pregnancy, we told people when we were going through it (long drawn out scary ectopic). Third and fourth losses we didn't even tell anyone except our very best friends. Most people have no idea this was a twin pregnancy to begin with.

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  20. That nursery is absolutely gorgeous!!!! Love it!

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  21. Okay, that is the coolest nursery! Yay Preston! So excited for the little guy.

    Oh girl, the scars. They are bad. 24 hours after learning of my twins, I saw a pregnancy announcement and almost cried. Same emotions, same everything. Like, whaaa? It's bad, but I'm not so sure that's a terrible thing. I think it's made us stronger for sure, and our little babes are proof that we won.

    xoxo...

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    1. Sorry you're still having those sad feelings, but thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one. So excited for you by the way!

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  22. I'm super late but I wanted to say I know the feelings you talked about. I kept saying to you to enjoy it but now that I've crossed over I know what you meant. It sucks, this limbo land. Preston's room came along beautiful and I pray your Mother's Day was a blessed one. Next year your little one will be in your arms possibly calling you mama.

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    1. It's especially hard to wrap your brain around in the first tri, but it does get a wee bit easier the further along you get. The thought of being called mama....awe, how sweet. Thank you for that image :)

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