Another "Me" Weekend

Looks like it will be another "me" weekend. Hubby is traveling out of town for business and doesn't return until midnight tonight. It's so true that absence makes the heart grow fonder...especially on weekends for some reason. I'm not really bothered by his work travel, but when it's on the weekends, I always feel lonely.  We pretty much do everything together. I am one of the lucky few who is married to their best friend, and no matter what happens in our future, I am so grateful just knowing I have him by my side. Not everyone is blessed to have such an amazing soul mate, and I do recognize that. I don't take it for granted for a single second. Anyone who knows us, knows how crazy we are for each other.

All the love in the world, however, doesn't distract from our desire to have a family. To be honest, I really don't have a close family or many close friends nearby for that matter. Sure, I have long time friends that I've been in contact with for years, but we've also had 3 major moves in the last 6 years, so I've had to start over with building friendships locally a few times now. I am also picky and don't like caddy women, which is unfortunately pretty common among the female species. I do have a select few friends who are amazing here, and who I try to see whenever I possibly can. We've been in the same house now for about 3.5 yrs, but I realize now more than ever, how tough it still really is.

For one, I don't work a normal 40 hr/week job. I'm a commercial actress, and I do meet a lot of fun people on set, including a few I've really hit it off with and have become friends with. I just don't have the daily comradery that is present in an office setting.

Secondly, everyone in the state of Texas has a minimum of 2 kids. When you are in your mid 30's with no kids, it limits your options in friend making considerably. The first thing out of anyone's mouth when they meet you is "Do you have kids?" I don't blame people. I realize that when you have kids, your entire life revolves around them, and it's only normal to seek out friendships with people who have similar routines or are part of the same car pool line. I may even ask that same question myself someday God willing! I do always dread the next question that usually comes though, "Any plans for kids?" or "Why not?"  I will say that those questions are at least better than the people who will give you a fake smile, a "nice to meet you", and literally just turn away and talk to someone else without even skipping a beat. I guess if you don't have kids, it means you won't be supplying a gift at their child's next birthday party, and you're not worth their time? Geez! Just because we don't have children, doesn't mean we hate kids or are some kind of child molesters!

On top of it all, I lost my parents to cancer and all but one of my grandparents have also passed. My sisters live more than 1,000 miles away, and we don't see each other much at all. Believe me, it's not for lack of trying. I've visited their hometown about 6 or 7 times in the last few years, and they've visited me 0 times. And no, I don't care that half of those times were for funerals....if I spend time and money to fly there, it still counts!  I also have enough room in this house to sleep at least 6 extra people, but that's besides the point. I am just exhausted of sending out invitations at this point. You'd think I lived in Antarctica or something!

Please don't confuse my desire to have children with boredom either.  I am not just looking to fill empty time. If I really wanted to do that, I could just go to the spa more or plan some extra vacations. I want to have a babies to create a family for my husband and myself, because outside of the fact that I don't have close family as it is, I'm probably just like most other human beings on this planet; With  a desire in my heart to give my love to someone that is the perfect combination of my husband and myself. I want to look at a baby girl, and see little pieces of my mom in her. I want to watch my husband be the amazing father I know he'll be and give her an endless amount of love and that unique relationship that every little girl deserves. I want to have a baby boy with my husband's beautiful blue grey eyes and calm, sweet temperament. I already know I will spend the rest of my life going to golf tournaments once this this happens, but I'm still ok with that!

If there was ever a couple who was ready to have kids, it's us. I know it doesn't make sense to some other people why I'm so fixated on having children right now and doing "so many things" to try to help my chances. I get a lot of "Just relax and it will happen" attitudes from people, well meaning or otherwise. 3 years of not preventing was definitely a good stretch of just relaxing before we started actively TTC'ing more than a year ago. Just relaxing hasn't magically resulted in a baby in the past 4 years. Despite that, I am trying my best to relax, but please understand my reasons why, if I'm not very good at it.

"God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground." - Genesis 1:28