I really wanted to give up something for Lent this year, if for nothing else, to show God how grateful I am for Jesus dying on the cross, for the things I have in my life, and to show sacrifice and spiritual discipline as my own offering. The only problem was I couldn't think of anything to give up that I already haven't given up as part of "Project Reproduction." Wine? Well, I don't drink after ovulation, and don't do it much before either, so that's not much of a sacrifice anymore. Besides, I will definitely need at least A GLASS to stay sane if this cycle doesn't work out. The same thought process holds true for so many other things too, like ice cream, sugar, unhealthy foods, staying up late, going to Vegas (We just opted out of a trip there last weekend in order to stay all perfectly balanced with mind, body and what not). Sooooo, what is left?
I was literally about to post something on facebook to the effect of "What should I give up for lent this year? Any ideas?" when someone posted something really annoying and pregnancy related moments later. All of a sudden it clicked. I should just give up facebook! A few other women in my online support community for infertility have been talking about giving up facebook as well, and it got me even more excited about the idea! So, I made my final post and said sayonara for the next 6 weeks.
It feels kind of freeing already to take a break from social media. I gave up twitter a long time ago and don't miss it one bit. Besides, all of my true friends have my phone number and email address. If they want Emily time, all they need to do is pick up the phone or shoot me an email! Speaking of real friends, I had an beautiful outdoor lunch with one of my favorite girls following acu today. Tammy is truly one of a kind, at the level of a sister really, and she is always toting crafty and yummy homemade gifts. She makes these chocolate covered long stem roses (which are actually strawberries) for Valentine's Day, and I just love that she is always doing nice things for other people. How crafty is she?!?!
I may not have a bazillion friends, but I have always been more of a quality over quantity girl. It's people like her that I'm truly grateful for. The heart shaped personalized valentine made me tear up too. Sooo sweet!
Full disclosure here: I've had a LOT of anxiety the past few days. I will just say this...DO NOT EVER send your huge 50 page stack of tax info. including all tax forms, your bank account/routing info., ss#s, and more than enough info for someone to steal your entire identity through USPS. I learned that the hard way! After 3 days of teamwork hounding USPS by myself and my accountant who lives in FL, the package was eventually recovered from the WRONG RECIPIENT and it is now in safe hands. However, I think I aged about 5 years this past weekend. I couldn't sleep, and I was in extreme panic mode...not quite the zen aura I'm trying to maintain over here! Even after the incident was over, it's like I JUST. COULDN'T. RELAX. Ugh! Sometimes I get caught in a weird anxiety mode and can't snap out of it! I know that probably sounds crazy if you don't have or understand anxiety, but it's a horrible feeling to have when you are just kind of stuck being anxious with no relief.
I've been doing two Circle + Bloom sessions daily, doing yoga, daily breathing, and listening to soft music, but nothing was helping me let go of the icky anxiety feeling. Yesterday, I finally ended up taking a xanax, which I rarely ever do unless it's dire straights, and I scheduled an extra acu session for today. Even though my RE says it's fine to take xanax, especially if it helps calm me, I just don't like putting things in my body unless it's absolutely necessary. In this case it was.
I am feeling MUCH better now. It's like night and day to how I felt yesterday! Acupuncture today worked out perfectly, because I'm 6 or 7 days past ovulation. Implantation will be occurring any day now if there is a fertilized embryo in there looking for somewhere to stake it's claim. I decided to keep my Friday acu appointment as well, which will be at 8 or 9 days past ovulation...still within the implantation window. I don't usually go twice a week, but since this is possibly our last cycle before moving onto IVF, I need all my energy flowing to the right places and the extra acu definitely can't hurt anything. All my chips are in!
In about a week's time we'll know if this cycle worked. Who knows, maybe I hadn't sacrificed enough yet and God was just waiting for me to give up facebook to show him how much I am willing to do for a baby. LOL I'm half joking. At this point, I'm looking for any way possible to make my case to God. I would honestly do ANYTHING to become a mother at this point. If this picture perfect cycle full of crunchiness, self care, perfectly timed babydancing, and sacrificial facebook offerings doesn't work, we certainly know we've done all we can and that's all we can do!