Monday, February 25, 2013

Here Goes Nothing... Correction: EVERYTHING!

Time to pull out the big guns, the whole kit and caboodle, the kitchen sink...or in other words IVF. Last week we found out our last attempt at becoming pregnant (pre-IVF) was not successful. I wasn't shocked. I mean, we've been given a 1-2% chance of conceiving on our own naturally each cycle, and that is a statistic we've known for quite some time now.

Even though I wasn't shocked by the negative pregnancy result, the let down was really hard emotionally for me this time around. Hubby got back from his biz travel that same day and showed up with these beautiful flowers and my drink of choice...

Moet + Flowers = Semi-Sane Infertile Wife

What can I say? My man is amazing! 3 days of non-stop work, a day full of airports, and he still makes time to stop and do something nice for me. In true Matt fashion, he pointed out that we shouldn't be mourning the failure of this last cycle, but should instead celebrate the fact that we're moving on to having the best chances we've ever had to take home a healthy happy baby! He always has a way of helping me see the glass half full, and I felt sooo much better having him home, with roses in my kitchen, and Moet in my hand.

Then, I woke up back on the wrong side of the bed the very next morning, feeling sad and broken down. So pitiful! I broke down crying on my acupuncturist Friday, something that wasn't part of my plan for the day. I walked in fine, but started fighting tears the minute my mouth opened. I think it's because I know my acu just gets it. No one in real life truly understands what I'm going through, but Melissa deals with infertile women all day long. Since I wasn't really anywhere too specific in my cycle except waiting for AF to arrive, we worked on getting things moving for a new cycle to begin and a general de-stressing all around. I felt much better after my session as usual, but still in a funk feeling sorry for myself.

For the rest of the weekend, I really just needed to get out and have a release. I spend so many damn hours, days, months doing ALL of the right things and sacrificing things in order to stay healthy, all in hopes it will help my chances at pregnancy. Sometimes, I feel like I'll just explode if I don't have a mini-rockstar release of some sort. Needless to say we went out both Friday and Saturday nights. Friday night we went to a sports bar and played video games until we closed the place down. Saturday we went bowling with one of our favorite couples and had a super nice dinner. I had one (or ten) too many cocktails, stayed up way past our normal 9 pm bedtime, and just spent some much needed time not giving a F#%K. Sure, it ended up being a reminder that I am no longer in my 20's, but I needed it just the same. My angel halo is bobbypinned squarely back on my head today of course.

A new cycle has begun. It is CD3, and we had our IVF consult with Dr. Vaughn this afternoon. Matt is quite the joker. He snapped this pic as he was laughing about how fat my medical file is. Considering this file is for 21 months worth of data, I don't think it's that bad!

Dr. Vaughn with my ginormous file

After the consult, hubby took great pleasure in zooming in on the file pic on his phone and saying, "My gosh, look how BIG it is when you zoom in on it too!" Way to make me feel like a freak of nature! He seriously cracks me up.

So, this is really it! We are taking the IVF plunge! It looks like we'll be doing the "Lupron long" protocol. We'll be starting the suppression phase tonight, where I'll take BCP's (birth control pills) for a few weeks in order to suppress the ovaries. They do this in order to basically take over my normal ovarian function with synthetic hormones. They'll then incorporate a drug called Lupron. Once the ovaries are fully suppressed and under their control, they will then turn right back around and stimulate the ovaries with FSH (Follicle Stimulating Hormone) drugs intended to produce many more follicles (eggs) than would be produced normally. When all of the follicles are mature, they'll retrieve them via a surgical procedure, fertilize them in a lab with hubby's super swimmers, and 3-5 days later one or two embryos will be placed back inside my body to hopefully settle in for a warm and cushy 9 months. 

That is the IVF process in short. The whole process from beginning to end will take roughly 7-8 weeks. I should be receiving an IVF calendar from my nurse, Jamie, soon. It will outline the meds and anticipated dosages I'll need to take each day (dosages will most likely change along the way as I'm monitored for progress via many ultrasounds and blood tests).

I am scared, excited, and extremely nervous to the point of nausea. This is our last option, so it MUST WORK! More than anything though, I'm just grateful for the opportunity to have another option to try with greater chances of success. IVF hasn't always been available. I have to remind myself that to even have the technology as an option is a blessing in and of itself, even if it's not a walk in the park. So here goes nothing....or should I say EVERYTHING!? That's all I have for now, but I'll share more as it becomes available of course!


  1. Your husband sounds amazing. Seriously, what would we do without these guys. I'm so glad he made this such a special weekend, even if it was hard at times.

    I'm so excited, nervous and anxious for you all wrapped up together. Probably because I'm feeling a lot of the same emotions. I have the best of hope for you and know that you are going to have one wonderful little family so very soon.

    Good luck!! xo

  2. I'm so happy that y'all have a plan, but sorry you had to experience the pain that comes with AF. AF sucks. I am so hopeful for this cycle and your plans with IVF! Yay!!!

  3. IVF or bust, babyyyyyy! Get it, girl. You totally got this.

  4. It is always nice when your significant other knows exactly what to do to lift up your spirit at that moment. I am glad you enjoyed one to many drinks this weekend enjoy them while you still can. IVF is a long process and I get why you are feeling all those sorts of emotions. You are a strong woman Em and I know you will get through this. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers that this IVF is all you need.

  5. Wonderful news! I know exactly how you feel in regards to sacrificing so much to remain healthy for the sake of a baby. It's nice to let go of that time to time. I had no idea that treatment started eight weeks prior to IVF, I always thought it began once your new cycle began! Good to know.

  6. Boo to another failed cycle... but yay to moving on to your best possible change. I wish you the best..... it is a very long and draining process. But, I found great closure knowing we took the biggest and last step per say. I'm very excited for you, and I'm here if you have any questions :)

  7. I'm sorry your natural cycle didn't work, Em. But I'm glad you're moving forward. One thing that I wanted to bring up because you look petite in your picture. My cancelled cycle was the long Lupron IVF protocol. I later found some research that basically says this is not a good protocol for women with low BMI because the Lupron suppresses the sims. Not sure if this could potentially be an issue for you...but I trusted my doc 100% and didn't Dr. Google anything. But I wish I would've known this to check my BMI, see that it was low and at least ask my doctor. Good luck my friend! I'll be cheering you on along the way!

    1. Wow, very interesting Jessah! Luckily my BMI is actually at the top end of normal (23.4). I'm 5'3.5" and weigh 134 lbs. The pic here on my profile was taken when I was 15 pounds lighter.

      There is still no guarantee that I'll respond to the traditional Lupron protocol, but my RE doesn't want to use a microflare protocol with me as he says this is reserved for those who already have failed IVF or are 40+. It's really hard not knowing exactly how any of us will respond to IVF treatment, but I guess there is only one way to find out!

      Thanks for the head's up on BMI. That doesn't surprise me one bit! I did quite a number on my body back when I was super fit, but I'm nice and cushy, all ready for motherhood now! :)

  8. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that your Hail Mary natural cycle didn't pan out... it's normal for you to be feeling especially crushed because you did SO much to make it work, and there were so many weird signs that seemed like it really might this time. Nonetheless, your hubs is right about there being reason for excitement right now -- I know it sounds like bollocks coming from a random Internet friend, but I am 100% sure IVF will work for you. You've had a very similar history to me, and what's really on your side is the fact that you KNOW your eggs can fertilize with your hubby's sperm (the one bright side to experiencing an ectopic), and there's no reason to believe implantation will be an issue. So keep your chin up, girl -- you are ALMOST THERE!

  9. Emily, I know it's so hard to realize that you need to move to that next step, but I'm so glad your DH is so awesome and ready to embrace this new step. I know as you continue on this journey to sadness and anger will give way to the excitement that this new step will bring. Finally, the light at the end of the tunnel, the sticky BFP after all you've been through. *hugs* I am excited to see you move forward and will be supporting and rooting for you the whole way! *hugs*

  10. You ladies are ALL so awesome! I feel like a have a bunch of cheerleaders cheering for me!

    Give me an I. Give me a V. Give me an F! haha!

    Ok, that was cheesy but you know what I mean. Love you chicas and so appreciate the support! ;)

  11. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you this time around but I'm so excited you are taking the plunge! I've been thinking about you and Sarah a lot lately but havent had the chance to jump on here and see how you guys have been til now. So excited to see a BFP that sticks for you. I think its your guys turn already!

    P.S. Thanks for your sweet comment on my blog. I think its hard to let go of worry because when you go through the things you go through we've been engrained to worry about SOMETHING! Eventually you'll be bored too and there is absolutely no sweeter feeling!

    Onward and upward girl!

  12. So sad that this natural cycle wasn't the one, but so excited that you are moving forward! IVF will give you the absolute best chance for a take home baby. And super exciting!

    I will be praying for you and rooting you on each step of the way.


    P.S. Glad you went out and let loose this weekend and the flowers Matt brought home are gorgeous! Tulips are my all time faves!

  13. Matt sounds totally amazing. :-) Celebrating your best chance at pregnancy with you!

  14. I am so glad that you had a great weekend and were able to have somewhat of a distraction from everything. That sucks that af showed, but at least you are one step closer to the IVF process! That is too funny that your hubby took a pic of your dr and file. I was shocked when mine pulled out my file and it was that big. I can’t imagine all the stuff that they have to read through to figure out what would work best for us individually, it must take them forever! I am cheering for you too and really hope that this is all you need to get your little one. You’re in my prayers!

  15. I am excited for you guys! You are not a freak of nature!!! Its so easy to start to resent your reproductive system. It can even make you feel like your less of woman. But that's not true. You are a incredible woman even if your reproductive system is faulty. Something that helped me overcome this negative energy about my uterus was I would lay in bed and place my hand on my lower stomach and envision healing light flowing from my hand to reproductive system. I would try to do this 10-15 minutes a day. Who knows if it actually helped physically but it definitely helped my anger, resentment towards that part of my body. Sending you and Matt Love and Light!

  16. Congrats! I start my IVF journey on 3/7! Sometimes you have to go "Balls to the wall!" To let your hair down and blow off some steam. I did it quite frequently because I was so angry that my body had failed me. That is how I chose to deal with the pain. I did give up smoking last year after 19 years to increase my chances at conception.
    However, me giving up EVERYTHING would still not have helped me get pregnant. My issue is and has always been Tubal Factor Infertility and no amount of herbs or massages will fix them. I also have cysts on the ends of BOTH fimbria so I've always been basically f#cked with no chance of conception naturally. I'm just fortunate that assisted fertility is a resource for women suffering with the disease of infertility.

    Best of luck to you on your journey- I hope it ends well for us both!