Things have been so up and down lately. I have days where I feel so out of control in the process of TTC; I'm grasping at straws to try to make sense of it all and think I can somehow change the outcome if I just try hard enough, follow all the rules, eat all the right things, take care of myself perfectly, and make sure all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed. We all know that ultimately we can't control the outcome, but damned if we won't try our best to anyways, right?
Then, other days I'm just totally unattached, like nothing I can do will make a difference anyways. It's either going to happen or it's not, and I'm not saying this in a negative way at all. Believe it or not, I do have days where I'm just totally at peace with what's happening, although admittedly they are fewer and further in between than either my husband or I would like.
His message was "DON'T FIGHT IT." Anytime we're stuck in a place that's uncomfortable we try to fight it. When things take too long and our prayers aren't answered, we end up frustrated and fighting against what's happening. However, just because thing are uncomfortable, it doesn't mean it's not supposed to be happening. God uses difficult times to do works in us and to help us grow. Every time something uncomfortable happens, we should look at it like a piece of sandpaper. Sure, as it rubs against us it's uncomfortable, but it's being used to smooth away the rough edges in our character.
Joel reminded me that God knows more about our future than we ever could, even though we think we know what we need or want at the time. I'm sure most people have had at least one time in their life where they could actually look back and say, "I'm glad God didn't answer that prayer when I wanted him to at first, because now it's been answered in a bigger and better way than I could have ever thought of myself." The longer we're able to keep a good attitude in a difficult situation, the higher God will take us.
My main goal is to make those times of rest happen more often. I would LOVE to wake up every single day trusting that things will work out even better than we could ever imagine. How about going 24 hours without worrying things won't happen my way? I am constantly working on believing for the best, and even though it's tougher some days than others I do feel I'm making a very real and conscious attempt.
I think it's especially important to try to have a more restful presence for our spouse's sake too. I know my rough days are hard on my hubby, because he's expected to be "the rock." One of the hardest parts of infertility for men has got to be watching their wife go through all the ups and downs. It's hard on both partners to feel helpless over something completely out of our control, but it's doubly hard when we don't handle it with grace.
The more feelings of rest we can have with a situation, the more our spouses will feel that peace too. That is my ultimate goal...to be less of a control freak and just let go of things more, knowing that God hasn't forgotten about us and that he's at work 24/7 on our behalf. I mean, you'd think I'd know by now I can't control this thing called infertility! I've decided that I just need a Joel Osteen sermon everyday and everything will be just peachy! Ok, maybe I just need to buy a new Bible, so I'm motivated to read it.
In other GOOD NEWS:
Today is the 3rd day in a row I have done my Lovenox injection all by myself! Yes, I am pretty proud of this, especially after last week's failed attempt. It is getting easier to mentally wrap my brain around holding and stabbing myself with a needle, and better physically as well....less bruising and swelling at each injection site. So far so good and I'm feeling pretty empowered doing it on my own. I am so happy to know I'll be able to do this on my own throughout pregnancy without having to ask for help.
Update on our FET cycle:
Our transfer date has been moved earlier one day to this Thursday 6/20. We received a call from the nurse on Friday asking if we would mind moving everything up one day because they had a tight schedule the day we were supposed to do it. I was tempted to question it and bring up the fact that I'd like maximum time possible for my lining to develop beforehand. However, I did not. I just went with the flow and happily said, "Sure, we are completely flexible." I have confidence that they are looking at my file and see where my lining was at last appointment. If they feel comfortable doing my transfer a day earlier, then I do too. I'm not worrying about it or trying to control the process anymore. It's in their hands and in God's hands. So, about 72 hours from now we'll be transferring one beautiful blastocyst!