More on that later, but first let me get our FET cycle update out of the way... We are not pregnant. I knew in my heart a couple days before the blood test that it just didn't work. I don't care what any doctor says...the "boob-o-meter" is one of the most accurate tools ever to assess pregnancy or lack thereof. I held out a tiny sliver of hope until the end anyway, hoping that maybe I was one of the few women who end up pregnant with zero pregnancy symptoms, but alas I was not.
Want to know something crazy though? I didn't even cry. Not once. In fact, I did not even let it ruin my mood. I've been in a great mood and have not cried in about 3 weeks, and yes I am proud of that new personal record.
When our first IVF cycle failed in April, I was admittedly a complete disaster. What was so different this time around? Why was I handling it so well? It totally baffled me.
-Maybe it's because I didn't test at home this time, driving myself crazy seeing negatives?
-Maybe since the FET requires less fertility meds, I was less emotional?
-Maybe it's because my husband was in town this time?
-Maybe I love my husband too much to make him see me cry so damn much?
-Maybe spending less time on infertility forums & visiting Dr. Google has been good for me?
-Maybe I'm totally exhausted from 2 years of this crap and am starting not to care anymore?
-Maybe I just don't have anymore energy to give to worry, defeat and sadness.
-Maybe I am finally receiving something I've prayed for... inner peace no matter the outcome.
I think it might be combination of all these things. I'd like to believe that it's not just sheer exhaustion or an "F-it!" attitude, and that I'm actually finding some real peace with our situation. I've been praying a lot about being content, no matter where I'm at in life. Feeling contentment is new to me. I don't know exactly where it came from, or how long it will last, but for now I'm just staying grateful for the fact that I truly am content, even amidst infertility and continued defeat. All I know is that it feels pretty good to get bad news and not feel like it's the absolute end of the world. I only hope that I can continue to feel this way and that the severe depression I've felt at other times during this journey doesn't ever return. A girl can dream right?
Speaking of dreaming, all the hours I logged into Houzz inspired me to transform our master bedroom into "serenity". Consider it a consolation prize to myself for not being pregnant. Hard labor is very therapeutic for me, and I just love seeing the finished product. Plus, our entire home is freaking beige, and I couldn't take it anymore!
|Before: Beige, brown, and boring|
|After: Soft, romantic, and serene|
|Before: More beige and white. Yawn.|
|After: Pale blue mosaic pattern|
I love printing pics we took on vacay and using the
frame matting to write the date & place.
I'm hoping that creating more peaceful spaces with also help me stay in a peaceful place more often. Laughter certainly won't hurt either. A friend sent me this video and I just had to share it with you all. Oh My Gravy! If you need a good laugh, pleeeeease make sure you watch this...
|Must watch! YouTube video by Krissy Chula|
Seriously THE FUNNIEST commentary I have seen in a long time! Thank you Ms. Chula for making me smile :) We can all use a good laugh, and this one hit the spot for me!
Thank you also to everyone who has continued supporting and loving us in this journey. It means to world to receive comments from those routing for us. We still have 4 frozen embryos, and we aren't waving the white flag by any means. We will be on a forced break for July (due to a scheduled closing for our IVF lab's maintenance) but we'll be going forward with another FET in August. Until then, we'll just be doing what we do best...enjoying each other and finding things that make us smile to pass the time.