Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Not Pregnant? Redecorate & Laugh a Little!

Sorry for the long absence peeps. My name is Emily, and I have an addiction to Houzz. Yes, I have literally spent hundreds of hours on there the past few weeks drooling over decorating ideas. If you haven't checked it out, just a warning; It is awesome, but it is addictive!

More on that later, but first let me get our FET cycle update out of the way... We are not pregnant. I knew in my heart a couple days before the blood test that it just didn't work. I don't care what any doctor says...the "boob-o-meter" is one of the most accurate tools ever to assess pregnancy or lack thereof.  I held out a tiny sliver of hope until the end anyway, hoping that maybe I was one of the few women who end up pregnant with zero pregnancy symptoms, but alas I was not.

Want to know something crazy though? I didn't even cry. Not once. In fact, I did not even let it ruin my mood. I've been in a great mood and have not cried in about 3 weeks, and yes I am proud of that new personal record.

When our first IVF cycle failed in April, I was admittedly a complete disaster. What was so different this time around? Why was I handling it so well? It totally baffled me.

-Maybe it's because I didn't test at home this time, driving myself crazy seeing negatives?
-Maybe since the FET requires less fertility meds, I was less emotional?
-Maybe it's because my husband was in town this time?
-Maybe I love my husband too much to make him see me cry so damn much?
-Maybe spending less time on infertility forums & visiting Dr. Google has been good for me?
-Maybe I'm totally exhausted from 2 years of this crap and am starting not to care anymore?
-Maybe I just don't have anymore energy to give to worry, defeat and sadness.
-Maybe I am finally receiving something I've prayed for... inner peace no matter the outcome.


I think it might be combination of all these things. I'd like to believe that it's not just sheer exhaustion or an "F-it!" attitude, and that I'm actually finding some real peace with our situation. I've been praying a lot about being content, no matter where I'm at in life.  Feeling contentment is new to me. I don't know exactly where it came from, or how long it will last, but for now I'm just staying grateful for the fact that I truly am content, even amidst infertility and continued defeat. All I know is that it feels pretty good to get bad news and not feel like it's the absolute end of the world.  I only hope that I can continue to feel this way and that the severe depression I've felt at other times during this journey doesn't ever return. A girl can dream right?

Speaking of dreaming, all the hours I logged into Houzz inspired me to transform our master bedroom into "serenity". Consider it a consolation prize to myself for not being pregnant. Hard labor is very therapeutic for me, and I just love seeing the finished product. Plus, our entire home is freaking beige, and I couldn't take it anymore!

Before: Beige, brown, and boring
After: Soft, romantic, and serene

A couple other views, because I am obsessed with before & afters...



Full disclosure: This room is larger in person than it appears on camera, and painting this monster totally kicked my ass.  Gotta give props to the hubs too for being open to the color (and hanging the curtain rods); You know you've married the right man when he allows you to paint the master bedroom purple! My back is cursing me loudly right now, but it was so worth it. I was going for a romantic, spa-like vibe and think I achieved it. Also re-did our upstairs bathroom in an effort to banish more beige...

Before: More beige and white. Yawn.
After: Pale blue mosaic pattern

I love printing pics we took on vacay and using the
frame matting to write the date & place.

I'm hoping that creating more peaceful spaces with also help me stay in a peaceful place more often. Laughter certainly won't hurt either.  A friend sent me this video and I just had to share it with you all. Oh My Gravy! If you need a good laugh, pleeeeease make sure you watch this...

Must watch! YouTube video by Krissy Chula

Seriously THE FUNNIEST commentary I have seen in a long time! Thank you Ms. Chula for making me smile :) We can all use a good laugh, and this one hit the spot for me!

Thank you also to everyone who has continued supporting and loving us in this journey. It means to world to receive comments from those routing for us. We still have 4 frozen embryos, and we aren't waving the white flag by any means. We will be on a forced break for July (due to a scheduled closing for our IVF lab's maintenance) but we'll be going forward with another FET in August. Until then, we'll just be doing what we do best...enjoying each other and finding things that make us smile to pass the time. 

48 comments:

  1. Emily,
    I'm sorry your recent FET did not work out. I was really cheering for your little one to snuggle in tight.
    My FET was unsuccessful as well. We are going for sFET #2 this month.
    I'm glad you're taking it well this time. I am numb to everything at this point.
    Keep trying and keep praying! It will happen for you :)

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    1. Thanks Kelly. I am so sorry to hear yours didn't pan out either. Yeah, I don't know if this is true peace I'm experiencing or a bit of numbness or what. I think it's peace, only for the fact that I'm in a good mood and I'm not withdrawn. Either way, it's just better than feeling a whole lot of sadness.

      I sure wish I lived closer still. I'd make it a point to toast you with the biggest margarita ever this 4th of July!

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  2. I'm sorry it was negative, but so glad you're not letting it ruin your happiness. I only hope I can do the same!

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    1. Thanks Lisa. Sounds like you have some promising symptoms though, so hoping you'll have reason to truly celebrate!

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear your recent FET did not result in a pregnancy. But, good for you - finding that contentment. That is definitely what I struggle most with going through this infertility hell. I hope the peace remains. Your master bedroom looks gorgeous! Blessings to you.

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    1. Thanks so much sweets! Finding contentment is the hardest thing in the whole world sometimes. Believe me, I get it! I do hope it remains though. Thanks for the compliments and blessings to you as well!

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  4. First, let me say I love what you've done with the place! After living in apartments for years the first thing I did when I bought a house was to paint it anything but eggshell white or beige. I love colour and think painting is one of the best ways to change a rooms whole appearance.

    Second, I'm sorry the FET was unsuccessful, but I hope that your next one is better. And now you can drink and party on the 4th!

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    1. I am so glad to hear you say that about color. I am actually scared to death of color normally, which is why we have lived with neutral walls covering our entire home for almost 5 years now. Painting our room purple was a very daring move for me, but hey you only live once, and the picture above our bed was the focus really, so the paint had to go with that somehow. I feel like I am an adult now that I have curtains in my bedroom too. haha!

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  5. I'm so very, very sorry that this FET was not successful. I've been thinking of you often. I love your attitude and love the changes you've made in your house. You certainly have been doing some spruce-ing.

    Enjoy this month. Sometimes a break from it all can really rejuvenate the soul. Happy 4th of July!!!

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    1. Yeah, in some strange way I am thankful for the break. If not, I would have literally only had about 3 days where I didn't have to stick something in my hoo-hah. I would already be back on estrogen today if we weren't taking a break. I know I'll be extremely antsy to start though once next month roles around, and I am just praying I don't have a crazy long or anovulatory cycle leading up to the FET. Wouldn't it be nice to be normal? ;)

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  6. Oh Emily...I'm still sorry to hear the news. But I'm with you girl! I didn't cry about this BFN either. I'm worried that I've somehow normalized failure in my life.

    Love the decorating work you've done. I totally ignored your warming and clicked on Houzz...and I know I'll be quickly regretting it. Keep rocking the positive attitude and paint roller! :o)

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    1. Don't say I didn't warn you about Houzz! It has an app for iPad too if you own one of those....I like using it on iPad best. So addictive!

      Sorry for your BFN too. It's never fun getting that news over and over and over again. ((HUGS))

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  7. I'm so sorry the FET cycle didn't result in pregnancy for you but you are an inspiration for how you are handdling it. You did a fantastic job on painting and decorating, it's looks great!! That video was hilarious!! Have you ever watched any of the Glozell video's on youtube? They are pretty funny also. Here is one to watch when you have time http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYF9bImkOL4

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    1. Glad you liked the video! My favorite part...

      Who the hell need to bbq every damn day? Every day is not a holiday! Who payin for all this damn meat anyway?!

      hahaha! Thank for the sweet note Amie. I will have to check out your reco too. Tnx!

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  8. Oh Em, I have had you on my mind lately. I'm sorry your FET cycle didn't work out. Your are truly an inspiration of how you are dealing with this. Looks like you have found the fright therapy. I know when I redecorate a room I am so focus that I forget about everything around me. I truly love color!! Glad you decided to give it a try! Everything looks lovely. Still rooting for you! Enjoy your fourth!

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    1. Painting really is a good distraction, and I'm afraid I have to do our bathroom next since it's dark brown and is adjacent! As soon as my back recovers, it's next on the to do list!

      Hope you enjoy your 4th too Jo Jo!

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  9. I am so sorry to hear that this didn't work. I was wondering where you were and although I am sad to read the BFN announcement, I am happy that you are doing so well emotionally.

    Your renovations look awesome! wanna come do my house?? haha

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    1. Thanks lady! I dunno...I think you've been doing a pretty awesome job yourself with the decorating you've been doing. ;)

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  10. Sorry to hear, but love your comment about peace. I truly believe that can only come from God. There is no other way to be at peace in the middle of something so hard!!! Love it. Amen!!! And, awesome job on all the directions. We FINALLY just had our extra bathroom remodeled and it took me forever to pick out paint, granite, etc etc, I def do not have the decorators eye :)

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    1. Thank you so much! You sound like me...suffering from what I call "paralysis by analysis." I can literally stand in an isle at Bed Bath & Beyond for a half hour picking out a stinkin shower curtain! I'm def no pro, but it's an improvement from what it was in my humble opinion.

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  11. I've been thinking about you so much and following you on one of the threads trying to catch info and see how you are doing. I'm so sorry for the failed FET, but I am glad you are feeling more peace and that you are not giving up and continuing to move forward. Big, big hugs and lots of love to you girl! Also, the bedroom and bathroom look awesome! Great transformation!

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    1. Thanks Amber for the continued support! Hope all is going well with your pregnancy!

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  12. I am so impressed by your positive attitude in dealing with a really crappy situation. I really hope that this peace you have now is permanent, because all the other emotions that infertility brings are just too exhausting to deal with for so long. I'm glad to see you putting your energy into something that you really enjoy, and the room and bathroom look awesome! I really think they will help keep the peacefulness going :)

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    1. Thanks Farra! The jedi mind tricks we use to make ourselves happy and at peace. Hey, if redecorating helps why not? My mom always told me that a chaotic environment = chaotic mind, and I am a firm believer in that...esp. now that I'm in permanent chill mode in our bedroom.

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  13. So sorry your FET didn't work. However I am THRILLED that you feel so content with the outcome. I have come to the realization that the only thing I can control in this whole crazy journey is how I react to the situations. So I am so glad you have figured out a peaceful reaction. Praying for you guys always.

    I love your redecorating! I love how clean and calm is it. Good job Em!

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    1. So true! I like how you put it....the only thing we can control is how we react. Hard lesson to learn, but I'm working on it!

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  14. I'm so sorry Emily! I'm sure you're so sick of hearing that right? I think the reason that you feel ok is because you're constantly in a cycle during infertility. I like to compare it to the grief cycle because they are very similar. You go from denial to anger to bargaining to depression to acceptance. Somedays completely suck and some days you feel unmoved and solid as a rock. <3 ((HUGS))Keep on keeping on!

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    1. Aint that the truth! I have thought the same thing myself in how similar infertility also uses the grief cycle. Then there is the common cycle of hope (follicular phase), worry (luteal phase), and anger (menses) within each and every cycle. Seriously it's maddening!

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  15. Emily, I'm so sorry about your FET cycle :( I'm so happy though, that, for whatever reason, this one didn't get you down. This is such a testament to your strength, my friend! I hope that your prayer for inner peace has been answered... Can you send some of your contentment my way?!

    On another note - I LOVE your bedroom windows and the curtains - looks amazing!!

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    1. Thanks Aubrey! I would love to share some of my contentment with you. Wonder how we can make that happen???

      Glad you like the curtains! I used 95' Nicole Miller Chateau curtains from BB&B. They even block heat and light. Loving 'em! http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?SKU=122598&COL=100&RN=2170&

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  16. Oh Em, I am so sorry that this FET was not the one. Your positive and accepting attitude is so refreshing. And the fact that you are moving forward and not giving up is even more refreshing! You are such an inspiration to so many. I just know you will be rewarded for that.

    You are on my daily prayer list and I think of you so often. Hoping and praying that FET #2 in August will be your sticky take home baby.

    Also, I LOVE what you have done with your master and your bath! It looks so peaceful. I always say that paint is the cheapest and easiest way to totally transform a room. Great job! And thanks for the new decorating site to check out!!! I am on bed rest right now and am looking for just about anything to pass the time. Knowing that you have passed hours on there means that it must be pretty addicting. Thanks for the tip :-)

    Hugs,
    Kara

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    1. Oh please please keep me on that daily prayer list of yours Kara. I know you talk to God a lot and I need you in my corner!

      I hope you love Houzz. You can type anything in the search box and bring up thousands of ideas. Make sure you start making your own "Ideabooks" so you can save your ideas according to room, yard, etc. Then you can email your ideabooks to your spouse, friend, or a contractor if you actually want similar work done. Totally obsessed here if you can't tell!

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  17. Well crap!!! This is not the long awaited update I was hoping for..... Hugs friend.... I'm so happy to hear that you are and good spirits. Your strength, determination to keep trying, and your positive outlook are truly amazing!

    I can totally relate to feeling different with this fet than the first ivf. Yes, I've had days I cried. But, it's been sooo muc easier. And, like you, I think it's me finally becomi g content, letting go, being tired, oh so very tired. It's bittersweet for sure. But, at the end of the day, I know we will keep trying, I'm just slowly letting go of the whe control part. Finally!!!
    Kudos on the renovations! They turned out fab!!!! Seriously, they look so good! Can you come to my house and de-beige???? Pretty please???

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    1. Yep, keepin on trying, but letting go of a lot of the control and worry. Isn't is crazy we are just now beginning to master that? I hope that it continues to become easier for you to darlin.

      It is so scary to de-beige, but so far I'm liking it. I figure if I stick to bedrooms and bathrooms, I won't risk totally screwing up the living areas. haha!

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  18. I'm so sorry that your FET didn't work out. Once again though, I'm super impressed with how positive and upbeat you are.

    Your room and bathroom are absolutely gorgeous! I am definitely going to have to check out that Houzz thing and see if I can get some ideas. I love, love, love how you matted your vacation pics and wrote the date and place underneath. Yet another idea I'm going to have to steal :)

    Hope you have a great month off and are able to relax and stay unstressed. Praying for you!

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    1. Thanks Sara! Yes, the vacay photos are such a cheap way to decorate. If you email a pic to CVS photo dept., they have a Kodak printing system which gives pretty good high res prints. It's only $4 for an 8x10. Then Target has great frames with white matting for only $20! Use an ultra fine tip Sharpie to write the captions on the bottom. You can make your own personalized piece of art for under $25 and they are quite the conversation starter. Plus, it helps you remember fun memories anytime you pass by. :)

      Thanks for the prayers girlie. Keep 'em coming please!

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  19. You inspire me! I'm serious, you've taken a bum situation and have made it sound like a learning experience! What clinic in Austin do you use? I'm praying the same prayer of contempt. Really pulling for you guys!

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    1. Well, I don't think I'm all that inspirational, but thank you for saying that. I'm just trying to cope the best I know how, For me, a big part of that is finding something to be grateful for and staying positive about....and staying busy helps too!

      I go to Texas Fertility Center in Austin.

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  20. Hi Emily,

    Sorry about the transfer. No tears? I envy you. I was really sad when our IVF #1 didn't work, but I was freaksishly hopeful for the FET to work and it crushed me. I'm glad you know when you get to move on and try again, just a month away. We are rooting for you!!!

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    1. Thanks Holly. I know it helps that we still have 4 embryos left. I'm sure I would not be taking this quite so well if it was time to do another fresh IVF cycle. If one of these next FET's doesn't work, not so sure how I'll feel then, but for now it's just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other. That is all we can do...and hope for the best!

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  21. Emily-
    I love this post and what you've done with those rooms. You are such an inspiration! I would have laid on the couch feeling sorry for myself- but not you! You put your energy to good use and redecorated. Awesome!!!!
    I also love your reflection on why you are in a better place now. I think you are right- it's a combo of everything.
    You are my inspiration. So many happy prayers to you.
    Sarah

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    1. Too kind of you to say that Sarah. I'm really just trying to break past the survival mentality that so many people struggling with infertility fall into. I remember a time when my whole life didn't revolve around fertility treatments....when I was really living and not just surviving. Just trying to get back to that place where I truly enjoy the little things in life again, no matter where we are at in the process of trying to conceive. It's a rather hard place to get back to and stay in once you get caught up in numerous cycles of defeat one after the other. I am really trying my best to overcome those feelings of defeat and do little things that make us smile. :)

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  22. Em! That sucks so bad. I'm so sorry your FET didn't work. But your "peace" despite the disappointment is so encouraging. Your newly painted rooms like amazing by the way. My room is beige and brown. So I get it! I'm over it too. Hugs to you and I'll be rooting for the next FET in August! Keep enjoying that hubby of yours. It is so nice to see you so happy.

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    1. Thanks for routing for us Jessah and thanks for the compliments. I think I've officially lost my mind, because I just painted my bathroom chartreuse yesterday too! he he

      I am definitely enjoying that hubby of mine. Things obviously still aren't exactly where we'd like them to be, but we have a lot to be grateful for right now just the same. :)

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  23. I want to say that I love this post of yours. I hate that your FET didn't work, of course, and I'm so sorry, but your attitude is what's most important, really. You are a strong woman and you are handling this amazingly. I'm sure all of those things you mentioned played a role and I'm so glad you are choosing to enjoy what you have and continue living, that is something that is very hard to do while going through IF. Good for you!!!!

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    1. I think I'm strong. I think I'm strong. I swear I'm like the little infertile woman that could sometimes. Ha!

      Thank you for telling me I am strong. You are so right...Hardest thing in the world is to just enjoy life despite all of the ups and downs, but for some strange reason I'm able to do it for the moment. Thanks for the recognition and pat on the back. I am so routing for you too woman!

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  24. Beautiful bedroom! LOVE it! I'm so impressed with your decorating skills. I am not even going over to Houzz for one second because I cannot afford to be addicted to anything else right now. (Don't worry, I'm talking about blogs. Nothing more serious than that.) (-:

    Also, that video is fabulous. Haha!

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    1. Good choice Em. Do NOT go onto Houzz if you don't wanna spend $ on decorating!!! haha! Glad you liked that video. I have watched it....oh about ten times now. ;)

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