I was perfectly fine this morning. Woke up all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Man, I've been sleeping soooooo good lately, and it's been such a rare treat! However, once I began filling out the stack of paperwork required for my new acupuncturist (who I see tomorrow for the first time) I quickly felt my heart sinking back down into the pit of despair I've been avoiding so freakishly well.
|Oh Grumpy Cat...sometimes you are the only one who gets it!|
Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited to be seeing a new acupuncturist in prep for our upcoming FET next month (and also while we try naturally this month on our "break"). I just wasn't prepared for the forced re-examination of failures; 20 pages in total, consisting of health history, medical history, women's fertility history, and electronic fertility charts. It's impossible to compile all of that and not be affected by the overwhelming vastness of it all, especially since I know it's a mere sliver of what my real medical fertility file looks like.
It's just crazy to think how much we've already put into this. 2 years ago exactly I sought help for the first time from my OB/GYN and was handed a script for Clomid. 1 year ago, I mourned the passing of what should have been the due date for our first baby 7/7/2012, which instead miscarried. I should actually be 8 months pregnant right now as well, and would have been due 8/12/2013 with pregnancy #2 if it hadn't been ectopic.
As if that's not depressing enough, it's been a whopping 4 years + 7 months since I stopped using birth control. No, we weren't trying with a well-timed concerted effort during that first 2.5 years before seeking help, but we weren't not trying either. At least we learned early on that "just relaxing" clearly didn't work for us. I've been through one OB, two RE's, a clinical nutritionist, and am about to see my 3rd acupuncturist tomorrow. Let's not forget the hematologist, the genetic counselor, the clinical geneticist, and the rheumatologist I've seen on the side. I have read every book, charted my cycles religiously, done fertility yoga, meditated for hours on end, and spent enough $$ on OPK's, supplements, acupuncture, herbs, and organic food to feed a small nation in Africa. And yes, I've also gone on vacation and done plenty of "relaxing" too.
I know there are families out there who have tried longer than we have. I never lose sight of others' struggles or ALL of the blessings we do have in our lives. I am just so freaking ready for this journey to be over. I really feel in my heart that God would not let us go through all that we have and not give us the desires of our hearts eventually. What happened to "God helps those who help themselves?" Who cares about the $22K we've already spent on medical expenses out-of-pocket in this first half of 2013 alone. What about our sanity?
Honestly, I want a happy ending more for my husband than I even do for myself anymore. He's about to begin his MBA next month, and it won't be easy. It would just be the biggest blessing in the entire world if we became pregnant this month or next and he could focus on school without having the joyous side project of our fertility treatments...and working full time on top of it all. His job offers zero fertility coverage and zero tuition reimbursement as well, so there's that. I am continually impressed by his ability to juggle everything and foot the bill for it all, and still find ways to treat us as a couple.
Since giving up my fitness career, I've admittedly felt pretty helpless and lost at times. I'm actually going to start substitute teaching once the new school year begins again. We aren't starving by any means, but even if it only pays for groceries anything extra helps. I haven't subbed since 2004-2005, before I became a full time teacher back in Orlando. The thought of going back to teaching middle school on a full time basis right now is about the last thing on earth I want to do, so I'll just start with subbing.
Modeling is a definite no go for me right now and so is personal training, since they aren't exactly going to optimize my fertility. Acting jobs are so few and far between, and it's impossible to block out dates weeks in advance while doing fertility treatments. I can't commit to dates that far out during treatment cycles, and I'm over the whole cattle call/rejection cycle of the industry anyways. Plus, with subbing I'll still be able to keep my Friday volunteer shift at LIVESTRONG, which is also important to me.
Until then, I'm focusing my energy on getting my mind and body ready for what we hope to be our miracle FET next month. During my fresh IVF cycle (with acupuncture) my lining was 9.8 mm, and during my FET lining (without acupuncture) was only 8.1 mm. No telling if it was due to the different meds protocols, but hopefully going back to acu will give me a much needed boost in that area.
We've decided that as long as my lining looks promising for the FET, we will be transferring 2 embryos this time around. Dr. Vaughn says it will raise our chances from 35% transferring one embryo to around 50% transferring two. At this point, I do not put much stock in statistics, but it does make sense the chances are a little higher, so hopefully we'll win the coin toss this time.
We are of course trying on our own this month while the IVF lab is closed. God willing, I will actually ovulate and do so in a normal time frame! CD13 is today. I'm already peeing on OPK's and waiting for the elusive smiley to make an appearance. I'm probably at least a week away from that knowing my body. Whatever is meant to be will be, but it sure would be nice if a miracle happened for us this time around and saved us from continuing to travel this bumpy road. Right now, I just want to see that happy face. Bring it Mr. Smiley!
Hopefully the new acu will be fantastico and help me break out of this temporary drop in mood. Writing this blog has already helped me feel a little better, so thanks for reading if you made it this far. I appreciate having you all as my sounding board. :)