Monday, July 15, 2013

Case of the Grumpy Cat Mondays

I knew my stupendous mood wouldn't last forever, but one month isn't too shabby I suppose.  I am ever more convinced that I have seasonal affective disorder but don't want to sound like some sorta hypochondriac. Perhaps it's just sheer coincidence that it's crappy with a 100% chance of sucktasticness outside today? Seriously, what up sunshine?!

I was perfectly fine this morning. Woke up all bright eyed and bushy tailed. Man, I've been sleeping soooooo good lately, and it's been such a rare treat! However, once I began filling out the stack of paperwork required for my new acupuncturist (who I see tomorrow for the first time) I quickly felt my heart sinking back down into the pit of despair I've been avoiding so freakishly well.


Oh Grumpy Cat...sometimes you are the only one who gets it!

Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited to be seeing a new acupuncturist in prep for our upcoming FET next month (and also while we try naturally this month on our "break"). I just wasn't prepared for the forced re-examination of failures; 20 pages in total, consisting of health history, medical history, women's fertility history, and electronic fertility charts. It's impossible to compile all of that and not be affected by the overwhelming vastness of it all, especially since I know it's a mere sliver of what my real medical fertility file looks like.

It's just crazy to think how much we've already put into this. 2 years ago exactly I sought help for the first time from my OB/GYN and was handed a script for Clomid. 1 year ago, I mourned the passing of what should have been the due date for our first baby 7/7/2012, which instead miscarried. I should actually be 8 months pregnant right now as well, and would have been due 8/12/2013 with pregnancy #2 if it hadn't been ectopic.

As if that's not depressing enough, it's been a whopping 4 years + 7 months since I stopped using birth control. No, we weren't trying with a well-timed concerted effort during that first 2.5 years before seeking help, but we weren't not trying either. At least we learned early on that "just relaxing" clearly didn't work for us. I've been through one OB, two RE's, a clinical nutritionist, and am about to see my 3rd acupuncturist tomorrow. Let's not forget the hematologist, the genetic counselor, the clinical geneticist, and the rheumatologist I've seen on the side. I have read every book, charted my cycles religiously, done fertility yoga, meditated for hours on end, and spent enough $$ on OPK's, supplements, acupuncture, herbs, and organic food to feed a small nation in Africa. And yes, I've also gone on vacation and done plenty of "relaxing" too.

I know there are families out there who have tried longer than we have. I never lose sight of others' struggles or ALL of the blessings we do have in our lives.  I am just so freaking ready for this journey to be over.  I really feel in my heart that God would not let us go through all that we have and not give us the desires of our hearts eventually. What happened to "God helps those who help themselves?" Who cares about the $22K we've already spent on medical expenses out-of-pocket in this first half of 2013 alone. What about our sanity?

Honestly, I want a happy ending more for my husband than I even do for myself anymore. He's about to begin his MBA next month, and it won't be easy. It would just be the biggest blessing in the entire world if we became pregnant this month or next and he could focus on school without having the joyous side project of our fertility treatments...and working full time on top of it all. His job offers zero fertility coverage and zero tuition reimbursement as well, so there's that. I am continually impressed by his ability to juggle everything and foot the bill for it all, and still find ways to treat us as a couple.

Since giving up my fitness career, I've admittedly felt pretty helpless and lost at times. I'm actually going to start substitute teaching once the new school year begins again. We aren't starving by any means, but even if it only pays for groceries anything extra helps. I haven't subbed since 2004-2005, before I became a full time teacher back in Orlando. The thought of going back to teaching middle school on a full time basis right now is about the last thing on earth I want to do, so I'll just start with subbing.

Modeling is a definite no go for me right now and so is personal training, since they aren't exactly going to optimize my fertility. Acting jobs are so few and far between, and it's impossible to block out dates weeks in advance while doing fertility treatments. I can't commit to dates that far out during treatment cycles, and I'm over the whole cattle call/rejection cycle of the industry anyways. Plus, with subbing I'll still be able to keep my Friday volunteer shift at LIVESTRONG, which is also important to me.

Until then, I'm focusing my energy on getting my mind and body ready for what we hope to be our miracle FET next month. During my fresh IVF cycle (with acupuncture) my lining was 9.8 mm, and during my FET lining (without acupuncture) was only 8.1 mm. No telling if it was due to the different meds protocols, but hopefully going back to acu will give me a much needed boost in that area.

We've decided that as long as my lining looks promising for the FET, we will be transferring 2 embryos this time around. Dr. Vaughn says it will raise our chances from 35% transferring one embryo to around 50% transferring two. At this point, I do not put much stock in statistics, but it does make sense the chances are a little higher, so hopefully we'll win the coin toss this time.

We are of course trying on our own this month while the IVF lab is closed. God willing, I will actually ovulate and do so in a normal time frame! CD13 is today. I'm already peeing on OPK's and waiting for the elusive smiley to make an appearance. I'm probably at least a week away from that knowing my body. Whatever is meant to be will be, but it sure would be nice if a miracle happened for us this time around and saved us from continuing to travel this bumpy road. Right now, I just want to see that happy face. Bring it Mr. Smiley!

Hopefully the new acu will be fantastico and help me break out of this temporary drop in mood. Writing this blog has already helped me feel a little better, so thanks for reading if you made it this far. I appreciate having you all as my sounding board. :)

18 comments:

  1. The blah's are terrible and I think medical history is the fastest was to get there… i just got mine updated and the whole time I was reading I kept thinking "well. this is depressing!". I'm so sorry girl! Hoping that you love your new acupuncturist and that he has great ideas for plumping up your lining next cycle! Wishing you the best!

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  2. The weather totally affects my mood too! Sometimes it helps if you just focus on one thing at a time instead of the big picture. When I think of all we have been through I always end up feeling rather depressed.

    I am excited to hear how your accupuncture goes! Sendings you tons of good vibes :)

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  3. If you are getting all the same rain we are up in Dallas, then it doesn't help the case of the Mondays! (Even though we REALLY need it). Thinking about you this week!!! Hugs

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  4. Gloomy day plus a Monday calls for a blah day. So sorry you're in this funk. Hope this new acupuncturist is wonderful and plums up that lining for you. Come on smiley face!! Sending good vibes so you O soon.

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  5. I'm so sorry for the Monday blues. Those suck! It probably is just having to jump back into it again after the break, but I know you won't stop until you get your BFP and I'm sure after that first acu session you will be feeling great! Let us know what you think of your new acu. I'm glad you have a cycle to try on your own and I'm praying you get a miracle BFP, but if not, I know you have a great RE and I'm really hoping and praying that your next FET cycle IS IT! You have been through so much and I'm just ready (and I know you are too) to see you at the next level and enjoying your reward for all you've been through. In the meantime I really do think of you daily, say a prayer for you every day, and am here for you and cheering you on as you are on what I pray is the last leg of this journey. *hugs*

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  6. Praying for you guys! Your thoughts on statistics I believe are great. Our little man was given terrible odds this week, but as one doctor said your baby is not a statisitic! You my friend are not a statisitic either.

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  7. It's good to let it all. And I wanted to let you know in our 3 years of trying and treatments my mum would go on and on about relaxing and ironically, I got pregnant a week after a cancelled IVF cycle (not enough eggs) when I was literally bed ridden, crying hysterically and certainly not relaxed but I did let go emotionally and totally - like the worst I have ever been and my body fell pregnant. I just wanted to make u feel better as letting the sadness and anger out is so good (my opinion anyway!). Lots of love, Amy

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  8. Praying for a miracle for you (and me) this month, my friend!! xoxo

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  9. Hoping that this month or the upcoming FET cycle brings the end of the waiting for you and your hubby.

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  10. Praying this dreadful journey comes to an end very soon for you ...

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  11. It just doesn't make sense how you can feel happy, carefree and on top of the world with so much hope one day and then the very next a huge funk...it stinks!! It sounds like you have a good plan looking ahead and I pray that this FET cycle is the one for you if not sooner :)

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  12. I go back and forth between highs and lows on a daily basis. I have for the past 2 years. I know it's wearing my husband out. I'm so sorry for you blue Monday. Biggest of hugs.

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  13. I'll always be your sounding board! Love the cat quote and image. Too cute. Hope you love your acupuncturist and your spirits lift soon. Hugs!

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  14. Hope your cycle of R&R goes great! I have a IRL cat that is clearly genetically related to Grumpy Cat...and we laugh at his ridiculousness all of the time.

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  15. Good for you, Em! Are you doing medicated cycles with FET? Your attitude is fabulous and I wish you all the luck in the world on your next ET- two is better than one! :D

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    1. Sorry, I found your chart. It's tiny but I think I saw Crinone and Estradiol in there..lol.. I answered my own question.

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  16. So sorry for the blues. Hoping your spirits are lifted soon. You and your husband have a lot going on right now...and it's not easy stuff. Thinking of you...

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  17. Ah, I missed this post while on an internet break on vacation last week. I love your plan to go back to subbing. I have a friend who had the exact same issue as you with lining. She got pregnant on her second FET (she had 2 fresh cycles) when her lining was the thickest it had ever been. I think focusing on getting your lining thicker is key. I'm always, always thinking of you and rooting and cheering and praying. I wish you could be on of those one and done IVF girls but instead you get the rollercoaster which sucks... but I do believe you will get there. I hope soon. I always wanted out of IF for my dh too- often more than for me.

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