Monday, June 17, 2013

Don't Fight It

I should probably make June "trust month" on my blog, because I keep feeling moved to write about it. It's been on my mind constantly; Trusting in God, trusting in my RE, trusting in what the future holds.

Things have been so up and down lately. I have days where I feel so out of control in the process of TTC; I'm grasping at straws to try to make sense of it all and think I can somehow change the outcome if I just try hard enough, follow all the rules, eat all the right things, take care of myself perfectly, and make sure all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed. We all know that ultimately we can't control the outcome, but damned if we won't try our best to anyways, right?

Then, other days I'm just totally unattached, like nothing I can do will make a difference anyways. It's either going to happen or it's not, and I'm not saying this in a negative way at all. Believe it or not, I do have days where I'm just totally at peace with what's happening, although admittedly they are fewer and further in between than either my husband or I would like.

I think my favorite pastor, Joel Osteen, was sent directly from God to speak to me personally sometimes. I haven't watched his sermons in a couple weeks and thought I'd watch one I had Tivo'ed from last week. Sure enough, it was like this sermon was sent directly from God for me to hear right when I needed to hear it most.

His message was "DON'T FIGHT IT." Anytime we're stuck in a place that's uncomfortable we try to fight it. When things take too long and our prayers aren't answered, we end up frustrated and fighting against what's happening. However, just because thing are uncomfortable, it doesn't mean it's not supposed to be happening. God uses difficult times to do works in us and to help us grow. Every time something uncomfortable happens, we should look at it like a piece of sandpaper. Sure, as it rubs against us it's uncomfortable, but it's being used to smooth away the rough edges in our character.

Joel reminded me that God knows more about our future than we ever could, even though we think we know what we need or want at the time. I'm sure most people have had at least one time in their life where they could actually look back and say, "I'm glad God didn't answer that prayer when I wanted him to at first, because now it's been answered in a bigger and better way than I could have ever thought of myself." The longer we're able to keep a good attitude in a difficult situation, the higher God will take us.


If you can use a reminder to be content where you're at and that God is in control, I encourage you to check out the video. Just click on the sermon from 6/9 #580 Don't Fight It. Watching his message is guaranteed to make you feel more "at rest" with the obstacles you're facing and have a renewed sense of peace. The more we can have a feeling of  rest, the more we're able to actually position ourselves for promotion into what we're seeking. When you're at rest, you're passing the test.

My main goal is to make those times of rest happen more often. I would LOVE to wake up every single day trusting that things will work out even better than we could ever imagine. How about going 24 hours without worrying things won't happen my way? I am constantly working on believing for the best, and even though it's tougher some days than others I do feel I'm making a very real and conscious attempt.

I think it's especially important to try to have a more restful presence for our spouse's sake too. I know my rough days are hard on my hubby, because he's expected to be "the rock." One of the hardest parts of infertility for men has got to be watching their wife go through all the ups and downs. It's hard on both partners to feel helpless over something completely out of our control, but it's doubly hard when we don't handle it with grace.

The more feelings of rest we can have with a situation, the more our spouses will feel that peace too. That is my ultimate goal...to be less of a control freak and just let go of things more, knowing that God hasn't forgotten about us and that he's at work 24/7 on our behalf. I mean, you'd think I'd know by now I can't control this thing called infertility! I've decided that I just need a Joel Osteen sermon everyday and everything will be just peachy! Ok, maybe I just need to buy a new Bible, so I'm motivated to read it.

In other GOOD NEWS:

Today is the 3rd day in a row I have done my Lovenox injection all by myself! Yes, I am pretty proud of this, especially after last week's failed attempt. It is getting easier to mentally wrap my brain around holding and stabbing myself with a needle, and better physically as well....less bruising and swelling at each injection site. So far so good and I'm feeling pretty empowered doing it on my own. I am so happy to know I'll be able to do this on my own throughout pregnancy without having to ask for help.

Update on our FET cycle:

Our transfer date has been moved earlier one day to this Thursday 6/20. We received a call from the nurse on Friday asking if we would mind moving everything up one day because they had a tight schedule the day we were supposed to do it. I was tempted to question it and bring up the fact that I'd like maximum time possible for my lining to develop beforehand. However, I did not. I just went with the flow and happily said, "Sure, we are completely flexible." I have confidence that they are looking at my file and see where my lining was at last appointment. If they feel comfortable doing my transfer a day earlier, then I do too. I'm not worrying about it or trying to control the process anymore. It's in their hands and in God's hands. So, about 72 hours from now we'll be transferring one beautiful blastocyst!

22 comments:

  1. What a great post Emily! I'm so guilty of believing that my plan is better than His plan!

    Eek! Thursday! So, so, so soon! (I love how I tell you that Thursday is soon, but tell myself that Saturday is eons from now) Hope the transfer goes smoothly!

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  2. Amen!! God is in control! Love to hear your heart for the Lord. Praying for a peace that passes all understanding while you seek Him and praying for a successful transfer on Thursday!

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  3. I can very clearly remember times where I am thankful God didn't answer our prayers on our timing because it would have been terrible. Looking back I can see why his timing is perfect and ours is not. It doesn't make it any easier but seeing those times is just a reminder. Maybe there is a reason your day was changed :) Keeping you in my prayers.

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  4. This is so true. I think I need to be reminded of this a lot in life. For too often I want it now. So tough to be patient sometimes. I'm so excited for your transfer! This is it for you. I feel it. Prayers for peace and contentment coming your way.

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  5. I love this post and I love the way you're thinking right now :). I can't believe your FET is THIS week!!! My fingers are crossed for you. I will be thinking of you and saying LOTS of prayers :)

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  6. What a fantastic, positive post. I feel so invested in your cycles these days. ('specially since I don't have much going on) Many many prayers coming your way that you can let go, trust, let it happen and have an amazing outcome. :) Big hugs this week, I'll be thinking about you.

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  7. So glad you found something that spoke to you and gave you hope. I am praying very hard for you and especially on Thursday during your transfer. Lots of good thoughts and prayers. *hugs*

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  8. Good luck Thursday! I will be sending sticky thoughts to you that this cycle will be THE cycle.

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  9. Emily so exciting!! This is so soon. Your blog post was so encouraging today! My husband is contantly reminding me to trust God AND the RE, since they are both experts. I totally agree we can't control the outcome, but for mental sanity have to do all we can to try.

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  10. I loved this post. The sandpaper analogy was so great. I won't forget that one! Praying for success on Friday. Don't fight it, girl...it's gonna work!

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  11. Great post...praying for you...

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  12. I love that God is laying this issue of trust on your heart and that you're sharing your insights with the rest of us. Also, it sure looks like you're going beyond talking about it and you're actually LIVING it. Moving the FET up a day is proof of that. I love the way that you are letting go of the reins. I hope there's peace in that.

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  13. Howdy Cycle Buddy!!! So tomorrow's the big day...so excited for you!!! I really like how you describe your feelings as peaceful. I've written how I feel kind of withdrawn from this cycle...but instead I'm going to consider myself "at peace".

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  14. Good luck tomorrow!!!
    Also, if you haven't already, you might also enjoy reading "The Secret".It helped me immensely when TTC was rough. I felt instant peace because I felt more in control of my thoughts and emotions. It helped me persevere and BELIEVE (which is I feel is the same as trust and faith in God.)

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  15. I love this post. I hope everything went well today. I am so glad to hear you are in sucha good place my friend :) I will be rooting for you. You produce such beautiful embryos and I just know that you will get your BFP soon!

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  16. What a beautiful post and great reminder. Sending positive thoughts for your transfer! I can't wait for your beta. I really think this is the one, lady!

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  17. Love it. The whole thing. FX for you tomorrow. I'm praying so much for you and believe with all my heart you are so close to the other side.

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  18. Thinking of you Emily and stalking for an update to hear how you are surviving the tww. It's the worst. I am hoping and praying it's your last one for a while though.

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  19. I guess you have already had the FET done by now - good luck with the 2ww! I have my fingers crossed for you.

    (I'm Kearazy from AT:TNL on BBC)

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  20. Fingers crossed for good news today!

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  21. Just dropping in to let you know that I am thinking about you and hoping and praying that this week brings good news. You are always in my thoughts.

    Hugs,
    Kara

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  22. Just wanted you to know that I am sending you so many hugs right now.

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