Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Do I Really Belong Here? Why, Yes...I Do.

I can now attest, like many other infertile women who've crossed over before me, that the transition from infertility to maternity brings its fair share of unexpected emotional hurdles. Yesterday was our first OB appointment finally at 12w3d. We've been seeing a perinatologist for ultrasounds and doing bloodwork through our RE still, so this pregnancy has been extremely closely monitored. However, with all the icy weather as of late, we're just now getting in with an OB.

Hooray for passage through the elusive 12 week "safety zone." What I didn't expect was how out of place I'd feel sometimes being here in this wonderful new world. As soon as we sat down in the waiting room of the OB's office, a woman at least 7 months pregnant sat directly across from us with her 9 month old (I overheard her telling another nosy woman who asked the age). I turned to my husband and said, "How is that even possible?!" I got to sit there and listen to what a surprise it had been to find out she was pregnant so soon again (in her most unenthusiastic voice), as she replayed the story to another very pregnant mom who was toting a toddler. Apparently, the woman also had a third child in school.

One woman after the next walked in pregnant and holding the hand of a big brother/sister-to-be. I quickly realized I was almost the only first time mom there and the only one who didn't actually "look pregnant." I glanced down at my lack of belly bumpage and a wave of sinking emotion hit me.

                                                            Do I really belong here?


I have never felt so out of place. I wondered if someone was going to make me pee in a cup and prove I was pregnant, in order to stay in this VIP room of what seemed on the surface to be a bunch of women who could not fathom what it took for us to get to this point. Now, I know better than that of course. Chances are, there were women there who might have experienced similar struggles, and perhaps much longer and more difficult journeys.

I just wonder if it will always feel like I can't completely relate to other "normal" pregnant women or moms? I would really love to, but it's like I just can't, because it will always feel like they can't relate to me. How could anyone possibly relate to our experience with maternity if they haven't also experienced an infertility journey leading up to their own pregnancy? I don't think they possibly can, nor should they be expected to.


Yes, I will probably be that woman who worries about every little thing; The one eating organic, using natural products, and who doesn't jog. Heck, I haven't even been vacuuming my big ole house thanks to the hubs. Forget about air travel or sex for the moment....not even going there! I'm feeling more and more secure in this pregnancy with each and every good doctor's visit and blood test, but after losing 4 babies in 2.5 years, I think we've earned the right to retain an over-the-top careful quotient.

I had a momentary mini cry as soon as I sat on the exam table waiting for the doc. I told hubby how I just didn't feel like I belonged there. In a strange way, I felt so much more at home in the waiting room of the fertility clinic. It was just a lot to wrap my head around that we were actually seeing an OB and WHY we were actually there.

Thankfully, as soon as we met our new nurse and OB the anxiety lessened. I seriously was not sure if I'd picked the right place until we met them, and I am 100% sure now that we're in good hands. The OB did a full annual exam since I was overdue and also did an ultrasound on Baby A. He did it vaginally, which I felt gave a much better view than the abdominal ones we've been getting with our peri.

Once again everything looked perfect with baby, and for the first time we saw TONS of movement from the little bugger. We'd seen a hand wave or a little wiggling before, but this kid was practically somersaulting before our eyes! OB said healthy babies tend to move around more, so of course this is reassuring to hear. I'm sure they say that to everyone, but I still liked hearing it.

The icing on the cake was asking about the sex of the baby. We were not expecting to find out until the full anatomy scan with our peri at 18 weeks, but we were told with some degree of certainty the gender of our little one. As if I wasn't already attached to this child! My heart completely melted. We are waiting to reveal the gender to friends, family, and blog buddies at least until next u/s just to confirm once more. However, I can assure you I'm telling the truth when I say I don't care what gender Baby A is, just that he/she is healthy. So far, we've had every reason to believe that's the case.

Once the doctor left the room, I clung to hubby and just enjoyed the moment...a moment I was never sure we'd ever experience. God is so good. Science is so awesome. We have so much to be thankful for.

Seeing how excited I was and the stark contrast in my mood from when we'd arrived, hubby asked me, "So, now do you feel like you belong here?" God, I love this man! Tears welled up as I replied,    

                                                   "Yes, I do. I do belong here!"





41 comments:

  1. Yay this is all such beautiful wonderful news!!! When do we get to start seeing the bump pictures?!?! I am so excited for you Emily!! Continued prayers for you and that sweet baby. You are exactly where you belong to be!! For some reason I am not able to click the 08/22/14 tab?

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    1. Thanks Amie! I will post a bump pic when I look like it's a real bump...more than just fat. Ha! When I let it all hang out, I guess it resembles a bump, but think I'm just used to sucking it in or something.

      As for that tab, strangely when I'm on my iPad, I can't click on that tab either. I can only access it via my computer or phone. Not sure if there's a bug, but are you on a computer? Google has been having issues with their services the past month as well, so maybe it's that. If all else fails, you can go the the "TTC Timeline" tab, scroll to the very bottom, and click on the red highlighted link to "+ Pregnancy". It will take you to the tab you're trying to reach as well.

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    2. Great I will try that! Yes ma'am I am on a computer. I noticed it last week before you posted an update (when I emailed you) and was worried like crazy that something was maybe wrong. I am so glad everything is great though!

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  2. Yes yes u do belong. I'm glad u loved ur OB. Yay for passing the 12 week mark!!

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  3. Congrats on making thru the 1st trimester! Hopefully as time goes on you will feel more and more that you do belong there! Yay!

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    1. I think I will Shay. One little step at a time, and maybe I'll get closer to feeling more normal than I ever thought possible by the time this baby arrives...that's the hope at least!

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  4. What a wonderful appointment! I remember all too well those feelings that accompany going to the OB the first few times! Congrats on 12 weeks!

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    1. Glad I'm not the only one! Thanks Laura!

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  5. Glad to hear your appointment went well! And that you're starting to feel like you belong.

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  6. I love this!! So glad that all went well at your ob appointment finally!!! I am grateful to God for your pregnancy, he says you belong. He's carrying your sweet baby in the palm of his hands and knitting her parts together in darkness. I know everything is going to work out and I am so glad this appointment brought you peace and the sweet joy of knowing the gender of your little baby. Super excited for you my sweet friend!

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    1. And now I'm reaching for a tissue! You are so sweet Charity. I love that He's knitting every single part together and making sure everything's developing exactly as it should. Even though I'm obviously still thrown an emotional loop here and there, I do have peace that God is protecting for and caring for this baby.

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  7. So glad you had a great appoitment! It may take more time to feel like a normal pregnant person, or that may never happen. But I am glad that you are staring to wrap your head around it!!

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    1. Yes, only time will tell. I'm sure the scars left from infertility will never ever go away completely, but this was the first step to forcing myself to feel I do deserve this and a reminder of how much I need to enjoy every second of this experience. Thanks Kimberly!

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  8. I don't have any helpful advice on how to feel more "normal" or feel like you belong, but I do hope you feel special, like you deserve every amazing milestone, and loved by all of us who have been cheering you on! So excited to hear you made it past the 12 week mark… big sigh! Tell that husband of yours to keep up that vacuuming… y'all are doing a great job with baby A! Can't wait to hear the gender!

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    1. The poor guy...he's got so much on his plate and yet has been so helpful and encouraging every step of the way. Think he deserves a vacuuming award by now! ha!

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  9. CONGRATS! I'm so happy for you, and I know what you feel about belonging. And if you kind of know the gender I can guess what it is!! :)

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    1. No guessing allowed! Haha! We aren't even 100% sure ourselves since girls and boys can actually look similar this early, but the OB def had a closer view between those little drumstick legs than our peri. Got to see the spine in it's entirety this time too, which was cool. Now, stop trying to guess! Hehe

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  10. Although I didn't make it that far, I felt the same way being in the OBs office for my first appointment. I am so glad that you have a good OB and that it was a great overall experience. How exciting that you have a good idea on the gender already!!! I've already guessed in my head, so will be looking forward to seeing if you are in line with the current gender trend ;)

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    1. Thanks Farra. I'm really hoping that you'll be back in the OB's office very soon, feeling just as out of place again...in a strangely good way. Hopefully we'll both make it completely to the happy ending and just look back with amazement and relief of all the paths we've traveled.

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  11. Yay for a great first OB appointment! I'm so happy to hear that everything is good. As far as your feelings of not belonging, I can totally relate. Some days I still feel like I am pretending (even though there is nothing fake about my big belly). It has gotten better with time though, so I hope the same happens for you. I wish I had some great advice, but just know that you are not alone in your feelings and that we just have a different perspective on pregnancy/motherhood than fertile women- not a better one- but just different.

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    1. Well darnit, my hope was that a big ole belly might at least make me doubt less, but it sounds like these crazy feelings can linger. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone in feeling out of place.

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  12. So good to hear everything is going well! I'm so excited for you and hope you can continue to embrace this miracle! xoxo

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    1. Thanks Sarah! I'm definitely embracing it. Just need to keep those pesky thoughts where I separate myself from the rest of the world out of my head. I'm trying my best not to let past experiences determine how I feel throughout this pregnancy!

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  13. I am so incredibly happy for you- this is just so wonderful! Glad baby is doing well and I can't wait for the gender reveal! :)

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    1. Well, thank you for revealing yours so soon. It's what made me to think to ask the OB to even look for us, because we weren't supposed to find out for another 6 weeks. We'll see how long I can keep it a secret. It's just really nice to have at least one thing to share between just us right now, if you know what I mean. I've been so public with everything, but it's nice to keep a secret nugget just for us sometimes too.

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  14. So glad things are going well for you!

    I am not infertile (just kind of low fertile) but I felt very out of place when I started seeing my OB at first. I saw myself as a "career woman" and while I was ecstatic to be pregnant, it was weird to be surrounded by lots of SAHMs and babies.

    But people of all kinds walk through those doors. And you're probably more like some of them than you realize. And they're probably feeling out of place, too.

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    1. I can see how that would also make you feel a little different. I guess as women, each of us will end up finding something to compare ourselves to others about. It's like it's built into our DNA or something!

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  15. I am beyond happy for you. This is so exciting for you! Hugs!!!!

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  16. The "switch" must really throw you for a loop. I don't think we will ever feel like "them." In a way, I'm kind of proud of that ... So happy to read that your little one is perfect. Can't wait to know the gender!!!

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    1. You'll see soon enough. Just when you think everything is supposed to be a walk in the park, you are dealing with a whole different set of circumstances. It's easier than fertility treatments of course, but you are right...just a lot of things that throw you for a loop that you don't expect emotionally.

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  17. Yes Yes!! Happy 2nd tri! I can't wait until I get to see you and your sweet bump!!! You are right where God wants you to be! Hope you can soak in every minute of it and continue to trust Him! Love you girl!

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    1. Well, technically 2nd tri doesn't start until 14 weeks I'm told, but I'm confident we'll get there too! I look forward to seeing you again soon hopefully! Trusting Him every single day to hold our hands every step of the way. The more I remind myself of that, the less I worry about the small stuff. Hopefully the moments of doubt and feeling out of place will continue to fade. :)

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  18. I know this feeling all too well! You definitely belong here, and if you're anything like me, it'll just get easier and easier to "fit in" as time goes on. The funny thing is that I'm often more than eager to share my story with people, almost as though I'd rather not anyone think it was easy to get here. Sometimes they hear (a shortened version) of the whole thing even when they haven't asked. Oh well!

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    1. Ha! More power to you girlfriend! I don't think I have the energy to tell our stories to strangers at this point. Can you say burnt out??

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  19. Love this post. I absolutely believe you belong in this place. Lots of love coming your way. :)

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    1. Thanks Suzanne. So do you though. I am looking forward to you being and belonging in this place so much, it's not even funny.

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  20. I am so glad your appointment went so well. I'm sure it wasn't easy at first and so glad the Lord brought a sense of belonging! Plus an awesome OB, how cool is that?! So happy for you, congrats on making it into the next season of this pregnancy! :) XOX

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  21. So happy for you!!!! I can't believe you're 12 weeks already :)

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