Do I Really Belong Here? Why, Yes...I Do.

I can now attest, like many other infertile women who've crossed over before me, that the transition from infertility to maternity brings its fair share of unexpected emotional hurdles. Yesterday was our first OB appointment finally at 12w3d. We've been seeing a perinatologist for ultrasounds and doing bloodwork through our RE still, so this pregnancy has been extremely closely monitored. However, with all the icy weather as of late, we're just now getting in with an OB.

Hooray for passage through the elusive 12 week "safety zone." What I didn't expect was how out of place I'd feel sometimes being here in this wonderful new world. As soon as we sat down in the waiting room of the OB's office, a woman at least 7 months pregnant sat directly across from us with her 9 month old (I overheard her telling another nosy woman who asked the age). I turned to my husband and said, "How is that even possible?!" I got to sit there and listen to what a surprise it had been to find out she was pregnant so soon again (in her most unenthusiastic voice), as she replayed the story to another very pregnant mom who was toting a toddler. Apparently, the woman also had a third child in school.

One woman after the next walked in pregnant and holding the hand of a big brother/sister-to-be. I quickly realized I was almost the only first time mom there and the only one who didn't actually "look pregnant." I glanced down at my lack of belly bumpage and a wave of sinking emotion hit me.

                                                            Do I really belong here?

I have never felt so out of place. I wondered if someone was going to make me pee in a cup and prove I was pregnant, in order to stay in this VIP room of what seemed on the surface to be a bunch of women who could not fathom what it took for us to get to this point. Now, I know better than that of course. Chances are, there were women there who might have experienced similar struggles, and perhaps much longer and more difficult journeys.

I just wonder if it will always feel like I can't completely relate to other "normal" pregnant women or moms? I would really love to, but it's like I just can't, because it will always feel like they can't relate to me. How could anyone possibly relate to our experience with maternity if they haven't also experienced an infertility journey leading up to their own pregnancy? I don't think they possibly can, nor should they be expected to.

Yes, I will probably be that woman who worries about every little thing; The one eating organic, using natural products, and who doesn't jog. Heck, I haven't even been vacuuming my big ole house thanks to the hubs. Forget about air travel or sex for the moment....not even going there! I'm feeling more and more secure in this pregnancy with each and every good doctor's visit and blood test, but after losing 4 babies in 2.5 years, I think we've earned the right to retain an over-the-top careful quotient.

I had a momentary mini cry as soon as I sat on the exam table waiting for the doc. I told hubby how I just didn't feel like I belonged there. In a strange way, I felt so much more at home in the waiting room of the fertility clinic. It was just a lot to wrap my head around that we were actually seeing an OB and WHY we were actually there.

Thankfully, as soon as we met our new nurse and OB the anxiety lessened. I seriously was not sure if I'd picked the right place until we met them, and I am 100% sure now that we're in good hands. The OB did a full annual exam since I was overdue and also did an ultrasound on Baby A. He did it vaginally, which I felt gave a much better view than the abdominal ones we've been getting with our peri.

Once again everything looked perfect with baby, and for the first time we saw TONS of movement from the little bugger. We'd seen a hand wave or a little wiggling before, but this kid was practically somersaulting before our eyes! OB said healthy babies tend to move around more, so of course this is reassuring to hear. I'm sure they say that to everyone, but I still liked hearing it.

The icing on the cake was asking about the sex of the baby. We were not expecting to find out until the full anatomy scan with our peri at 18 weeks, but we were told with some degree of certainty the gender of our little one. As if I wasn't already attached to this child! My heart completely melted. We are waiting to reveal the gender to friends, family, and blog buddies at least until next u/s just to confirm once more. However, I can assure you I'm telling the truth when I say I don't care what gender Baby A is, just that he/she is healthy. So far, we've had every reason to believe that's the case.

Once the doctor left the room, I clung to hubby and just enjoyed the moment...a moment I was never sure we'd ever experience. God is so good. Science is so awesome. We have so much to be thankful for.

Seeing how excited I was and the stark contrast in my mood from when we'd arrived, hubby asked me, "So, now do you feel like you belong here?" God, I love this man! Tears welled up as I replied,    

                                                   "Yes, I do. I do belong here!"