Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Little Egg That Could

The whole weekend I was pretty much resolved that I wasn't pregnant following our second Femara/IUI cycle, but I was going to have a good time anyways. We saw the movie Lincoln on Saturday and went ziplining on Lake Travis on Sunday. Weather was picture perfect, and we had an absolute blast!  You can't really go the lake (yes that is actually a lake, albeit one that is 51 feet below average fill) without having some sort of bar grub and a beer aftewards. We stopped off to do just that on the way home. Cheeseburger, fries, and about half of a nice cold beer. I think it's been at least a year since I've had that combo, and after all I wasn't pregnant, so may as well seal the deal on this lake day experience!

Ziplining on Lake Travis, Austin, TX

My RE's nurse said it would be ok to take my bloodtest a day early. It's really quite tortuous waiting to take these damn tests,  especially when you think you already know the outcome, so I decided I would get it done a day early. Now, I'm not a pee-on-a-stick-aholic or anything, but I still had a few HPT's laying around, and my pee cups were already stacked on the toilet just waiting to be used, so I went ahead and did a test. I'd done a test the day prior and it was completely stark white negative.  I usually don't test multiple times and just wait for the blood results, but something inside of me made me want to test.

Low and behold, it looked like there was a second pink line starting to form, albeit a faint one. I brought hubby in to show him, and he didn't say much. I have never EVER seen a pink line accidentally or gotten a false positive, but I really was not believing there was one there. So of course, I stuck in another Wondfo test strip in the same urine sample; Same result....faint pink line.  I continued to tell myself that maybe there could be a mistake. I was using cheapie test strips, and I did have one First Response Early Result HPT (basically the gold standard in early pregnancy tests) in a drawer somewhere. I dipped it too, and sure enough it was also showing a very faint line. I showed hubby my completed science experiment but he seemed a little unimpressed with my miniature HPT assembly line. He said he just wanted to see the blood test, because he doesn't want to be on some  emotional roller coaster. Just 24 hours prior I was adamant that I was NOT pregnant and now I was thinking maybe I was!  I know it's been a roller coaster, and I don't blame the guy one bit.

Off to the lab I went. I then proceeded to wait ALL day LONG for the result call to come finally at about 5 pm.  "Congratulations! You are indeed pregnant!" I started crying and shaking with happiness for about 3 seconds and then immediately grabbed a pen and asked "Can I please have my hCG and progesterone levels?" I learned from my last pregnancy and early miscarriage that if you don't ask, they won't tell you the actual levels and will chalk it up to everything's normal (even if they think things looks risky). Then you'll spend the next week being overjoyed when really it was a pregnancy doomed for failure from the get go. I know that is depressing, but it's the truth. They don't tell you unless you ask. They just say "It's normal, but we want you to re-test in 48 hours." As the nurse read my results my joy and excitement came to a stand still rather abruptly...

hCG= 22
progesterone= 19.1

I know enough about hCG to know that this number is on the low side of what is "normal" for an early beta test. Here are some guidelines from the American Pregnancy Association that made me feel a little better...



Now, I realize my initial test was taken at only 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant and possibly even 3 weeks 5 days, but it sure would have been nice to get a stronger result. From what my nurse told me,  they really like to see an hCG of 25+ in very early pregnancy and once it turns to 4 weeks even (as it does today) they prefer that number to be 50-100. More important than the initial number is what happens to that number. The key is that it doubles each 48-72 hrs. Let's just hope my hCG is going to double, because if it doesn't I could be looking at another early miscarriage. I hate to be thinking like Debbie Downer here, but I'm also not buying onsies yet when I know my initial test is that low. 

Hubby was not amused with my excitement turning so quickly to worry when I gave him the good news.  "Can we celebrate anything without worrying?" he says. Believe me, I'm tired of worrying too, but there IS reason to be guarded in this case. I would be doing us both an injustice if I got all celebratory, acting like everything was just gravy, only to be sad in a couple days if bad news comes our way. That would just put us on an even bigger roller coaster. I need to look at this realistically right now! I really wish I could be one of those women who find cute ways to surprise their hubby with the news. Maybe some custom printed m&m's with the word "daddy" would have been better? Oh well. He was already in the room when I got the call anyway, and there's really no time for that right now. The next 48 hours will be crucial. I took another Wondfo test today hoping to see the test line getting darker, but it looks exactly the same.

Wondfo's @ 12,13 & 14 days past ovulation & FRER @ 13dpo

I am of course, going crazy with anxiety and worry, but as of today, I am 4 weeks PUPO...Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise. I just pray with all of my heart that I have a little egg that is going to prove all of my doubting to be completely unfounded.  C'mon little egg! Repeat after me....I THINK I CAN. I THINK I CAN. I KNOW I CAN! I KNOW I CAN!

My progesterone looks fine, and the RE wants me to continue the 200mg of progesterone each night as I have been doing since 3dpo. Then I re-test on Wednesday 11/21 (the same day I miscarried last year). How ironic huh? God wouldn't be so cruel to give me bad news on the same day two years in a row would He?  Please Lord, show me how compassionate and merciful you are. Let this be a healthy pregnancy. I don't know what lessons I could possibly have left to learn through this difficult journey. We are ready to be parents. I beg of you. I am on my hands and knees...PLEASE let everything be ok!

18 comments:

  1. I found your blog through a Baby Center forum the other night. My husband and I are doing our first IUI on Sat and Sun. So incredibly nervous, scared, anxious. Ahhhh!! I am praying for you. Hoping this is your month for a healthy, 9 month long pregnancy. All the best!! I will be checking back.

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  2. Looking at your wondfo in a picture I think today's looks darker than 13dpo! Of course I know things can be different in a picture but I will keep my fingers crossed for you and say my prayers that this little eggy will have long lasting and great doubling potential!

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  3. OMG! I am SO excited for you! As for line darkness, it takes a loooong time for Wondfos to darken up. I'll have to look at my tests, but I think I was close to 5 weeks before the test line was as dark as the control line. Your tests look like they are getting darker to me...and I just know your HCG is going to go up. You just happened to get blood drawn right away. My first HCG was 158 but that was also 5 days after a positive test. My second Femara cycle was my successful one too so far. Fingers crossed for you and I will be blog stalking you for the next set of results!!

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  4. Woo hoo Bump!! Congrats to you girlie! So, so happy!!

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  5. Thank you ladies SO much. Your positive comments are helping me to be more positive. The last thing I want to do is focus on the worst possibility, and I'm doing everything I can to stay focused on what amazing things could be happening inside of me. I was listening to Circle + Bloom at 3 in the freaking morning for goodness sakes! I am kind of a mess right now, but just praying that God will bless us with a healthy pregnancy!

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  6. Holy crap - CONGRATS!!! I truly hope this is it for you! Now stick baby stick :) Here's to wishing you're starting the trend for all of us.

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  7. OMG! How exciting! I am jumping up and down and grinning ear to ear for you. I know how hard it is to think positively after what you've been through, and how hard this journey has been, but PUPO is a perfect way to look at it. I may steal that acronym if/when the time comes for me. We could both use a little positivity this November and I'm hoping this is the perfect start for you. Good luck, my friend. I'll be checking in on Wednesday to hear how your numbers have increased. I also agree, you're tests do look like they are getting darker, that's always a good sign!

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  8. YAY! I am truly happy for you about ur BFP. I know you dont want to get overly excited but u will be in my prayers that this baby sticks. Please be optimistic you need to send that baby some postiive vibes and your body as well.

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  9. Congratulations, Emily!! I am SO excited for you, and SO hopeful that your BFP keeps getting strong and stronger. Try to stay optimistic and know that we're all rooting for you :)

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  10. EEEKKKK...Emily, I'm SO darn excited for you! And I am not being cautious with my excitement! I just know this is it for you!!!

    Off to the bathroom I went (again), to get on my knees and pray for you and that "little egg that could". And I wasn't alone in the bathroom this time, so that was kinda awkward. But I didn't care, you are PREGGO!

    I first off thanked God for the positive news for you. Then I prayed that He would bless you with a healthy, happy, unstressful, and uneventful pregnancy. I prayed that your HCG would more than double at tomorrow's beta and wipe away all your fears and worries...leaving just peace, excitement, gratitude, and open the door for plans and dreams for the next 9 months!

    You said that your next beta is on 11/21, the same day you miscarried last year. Then you asked if God could be so cruel as to give you bad news on the same day 2 years in a row. It won't be bad news, I just know it! When I was 8, my step mom delivered a baby girl on 9/16. Unfortunately, she was still born, as the cord got wrapped around her neck during delivery. It was such a tragedy for our family. It was my step mom's first baby and she was devastated, we all were. It took her a while to have the courage to try again. But when she did, she ended up delivering a beautiful and healthy baby boy three years later...get this...on 9/16, the same exact day she lost Kandis! The same day the Lord took a baby from her, He blessed her with another. It was an amazing testament of God's love, mercy, and compassion. You will have this same story, the story that on the same day you miscarried before, you found out you were officially pregnant...then went on to a long and healthy 9 months!

    Praying so hard for you and will continue until we hear the news about your beta. Hope you don't mind if I blog stock till then!

    P.S. In the pic, the line totally looks as though it is getting darker! 14dpo is definitely darker than 13dpo, at least in the pic it looks to be!

    ~ Kara
    journal - www.waitingonbabyb.wordpress.com

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  11. Ok, now I'm bawling over here. You ladies are absolutely the best support system ever! Thank you for continuing to be so supportive. I could not ask for better cyber buddies. I am just so blessed to have you all routing and praying for us. Thank you so so much! It really means the world to me!

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  12. I already commented on BBC, but I just wanted to say congrats again and that I've got faith God has good things planned for you and this timing. Also, I don't like that chart, because HCG doubles every 48-72 hours, yet this chart shows that it would be doubling every 24. Have you looked at betabase.info? It has helped ease my mind.

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  13. Congratulations!! you are pregnant!! I am rejoicing over that. I am sorry your numbers are low, and I understand your concern. I won't suggest you not be concerned, but I'm praying God gives you his peace no matter what. I'm praying for this little life God gave you!

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  14. OMG.... stick little baby, stick! I am kmfx crossed for you. I know how hard it is to wait for those numbers. xoxo

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  15. Ohhh yeeeeahhh!!!! So excited for you! I definetely think the last test looks much darker! Hoping you hear good news!!

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  16. Good luck today & happy thoughts :) I have faith that the news you will get this year will ease the pain of your loss last year. Praying & sending happy, sticky vibes your way!!!

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  17. I just found your blog. Can't believe we didn't bump into each other before now. It's 11/21 so I'll be looking for the update and hoping for good news! Now following you here and praying for a positive outcome for you.

    Jessah
    www.dreamingofdimples.com

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  18. For most couples who enter into the bonds of marriage, an almost immediate reflex would be the urge to bear a child. Newlyweds go to honeymoons in really romantic places and give their shot in making a baby happen.

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