As if I didn't wake up with an emptiness in my heart already today... It would have been my mom's 59th birthday today. If there was a ever a day I wish I could just pick up the phone and call her, it would be today. It's just not fair!!! I have never felt so angry and cheated in all of my life. My heart is literally broken into a million pieces right now.
Yesterday, I noticed a tiny bit of spotting and called my nurse about it. This is a very common symptom in early pregnancy. It went away completely, but just to "give us all peace of mind over the weekend" she suggested doing another beta test today rather than waiting until Monday as originally planned. I wanted to believe with all of my heart that this was normal, especially since I was starting to have much stronger pregnancy symptoms....sore boobs, nausea all day long, bloating, etc. However, last night when I went to bed I felt something wasn't right deep down in my heart. I couldn't sleep all night and tossed and turned like never before. As a woman, sometimes I think you just know when something is off. I tried to tell myself that I am just worrying because I've miscarried before. After all, I had made a self promise that anytime I started to worry, I would instead be grateful.
I felt extremely nauseated all day today. Could it just be from the anxiety of waiting for these damn test results all the time? Or could it be a side effect of pregnancy? I kept telling myself that I didn't care which was causing it as long as I got good news today. I would take this horrible knot in my stomach every day for the rest of my life happily if it means that I'll finally realize my dream of taking home a happy healthy baby and starting a family.
Well no such luck. Did I really expect that this would turn out ok? I knew my numbers seemed low at my first beta test but everyone kept
reassuring me that as long as they are increasing and doubling that's
all that matters. But damnit, I just had a feeling from the beginning
that this was going to end in heartache.
Sure enough, the nurse
called with my results and informed my hubby and I that she had bad
news....my hCG is now dropping. For once, I didn't even write the number
down, but I know it was cut in less than half...it was 136 or something
like that. These phonecalls are the worst, because you just sit there
think of something intelligent to ask or say, but instead the intense pain you
just barely allows you to mutter a painfully high pitched "Whyyyyyy?"And
of course, they can never give you a reason on WHY this is happening.
Who was I kidding? Apparently, God doesn't think I deserve a family like the rest of society. Apparently I haven't done enough good things in this world for others, or maybe I'm just not smoking enough crack or going out drinking enough? Lord knows that plenty of people are out doing shit they're not supposed to be doing and have no problems getting knocked up. Here I am doing everything RIGHT; praying and being faithful every single day, being grateful for the things I have, committed to my marriage, living in a safe neighborhood in a clean loving home, taking care of my body like it's the freaking Taj Majal, spending a fortune on Eastern AND Western medical treatments, sacrificing my career and basically my whole life to make my body baby ready...and THIS is what I get?
What now? Do we get to try again for another full year, only have another pregnancy end in miscarriage? That sounds like a blast! I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. All I know is that my heart is broken into a million teeny tiny misshaped pieces right now....the kind that you can never glue back together no matter how hard you try. It just won't ever be the same. How can it possibly be?