Sunday, December 2, 2012

Waiting...

for an inevitable miscarriage to occur is like waiting for someone with a terminal illness to take their last breath. This isn't the ending that you would have hoped for, but you realize there's just no turning it around and want the whole thing to just be over already. While there haven't been chemo treatments or radiation for months or years on end, there have been plenty of other invasive procedures, needles, and what now are clearly turning out to be unanswered prayers. The feeling in my heart right now I can only compare to how I felt when I sat at my mother's bedside and told her, more like encouraged her, that it was time to go be with the Lord. It's a grieving process like any other I suppose, except that it's happening to me instead of watching it happen to someone else.

Plus, there are the questions of how it will happen. Will it be like last time? I assume it will be, since I'm exactly the same amount of time along in the pregnancy. It basically felt like someone was stabbing me with a huge knife to the uterus before the longer bouts of excruciating cramping and bleeding began. I have no idea how experts can say that many people may have had early miscarriage and not even known about it, just thinking it was a late period or something. In my experience it feels nothing like a period when it first begins. It was very difficult for me to even get out of bed for about 2 days the last time this happened and then it continued on and off for a week. I've blocked some of it out mentally, but I'm sure some of that was also due to the intense depression that set in, perhaps from the sudden drop in hormones. It really puts your mind and body through the ringer.

Where will I be....getting my hair done on Tuesday night? Will I be able to act normal and not break down in public crying if and when it happens?  Please Lord give me the strength to hold it together.

How long will it last?  Will I see the sac holding the embryo? Should I save it and have it tested for chromosomal abnormalities to figure out what could have happened? Would it give me any real answers anyway or would it just come back inconclusive? Can I even bare to look in the toilet? How could I not?? Ugh, I just want it to start so it can be over!

People have been amazing the past couple days, including those of you reading and commenting. I can't tell you how much a small note of encouragement helps. I never announced my pregnancy on facebook, but I did announce it's ending. Honestly, I did it because I just know there are other women out there who have gone through similar things, and it drives me absolutely nuts that no one talks about this stuff. It really bothers me that it's such a hush hush thing, and I wish people were more educated on infertility and loss. I also wish other women felt more comfortable about going through it themselves and realize that it's ok to cry out publicly and seek encouragement from those around you. Of course, I am the type of person that if I don't talk about it and get it out of my system I will implode. I have to talk about things. It's just who I am. 

Hubby and I also had a great talk last night. He is just SO amazing. I think he should write a book for men, because he has a phenomenal gift for always saying the right thing at the right time. If there is only one thing in life I can find to be grateful for in light of the circumstances, it's him! We talked about where to go from here, and we both agreed we will let Dr. Vaughn guide us in what the next steps are. We will have our own questions for him of course, but we truly feel like we are in the best hands possible, and we completely trust his advice on what to do as far as testing if needed and our next steps in trying to conceive.

We feel like we have found what works in trying to conceive, since obviously the Femara, IUI, Prometrium cycle worked the second time around. For some reason though, my body is not holding onto pregnancies, and so there are a lot of unanswered questions. We're really interested to see what Dr. Vaughn's thoughts are. I don't even know when that will be, but I may request that his nurse have him call us to chat or set up an appointment for us to come sit down and discuss our next steps. I think we just have too many questions to be going back and forth with the nurse, who is more just the messenger than the decision maker.

We're not looking forward to being back to square one, but we have come to terms with it and are trying our best to stay grateful for the fact that I CAN get pregnant. We'll hopefully have more answers soon, or at least the ability to try again.

"I declare nothing I face will be too much for me. I will overcome every obstacle, outlast every challenge, and come through every difficulty better off than I was before."- Joel Osteen's book I Declare

So no, we're not giving up!

26 comments:

  1. I am so glad you are not giving up!! I know first hand how hard a loss/repeat losses are, but one day the rainbow after the storm will make it all worth it, so hard to see now, but in time...It will come...I am praying so very hard, and thinking of you tons today...xxxx's

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    1. Thanks Megz. I know you understand more than most people out there. I am sorry for you having to go through repeated losses as well. I am always routing for you too!

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  2. Emily, a thought popped into my head as I was reading the end of your blog "back to square one". No, I don't think you are back to square one at all, I think you are moving on to find out the other piece of the puzzle. Why this happened again? You have found the combo that works for your body in creating a baby, now to find how to fix step two so that you never, ever have to deal with this again.

    I also have to tell you that I am in aww of your strength and courage. Anytime I sit here ready to give up to cry to learn to accept a life without a baby, I don't see how I can do that ever again when you are going through this and still you sit here talking about moving forward and trying again, anything for that baby. You are an absolute inspiration.

    I'm also amazed at the amount of women that keep infertility and loss a secret. All that makes sense is that we women blame ourselves (I do) and that brings about shame and mentioning it makes us feel like we failed in the very thing we were created to be able to do. It's what separates us from men, we can bear children. Those that can't, feel like something is missing. However, far too many women are dealing with this issue and we need to come together and support each other. You know what's a amazing bout my blog? Only 2 people IRL even know of it's existence and none of them read it on a regular basis. All of my support comes from you guys. How did people cope before the internet?

    Please, please know that my heart and my mind are with you. Every stab of pain, every drop of blood, I am with you and thinking of you and praying for you Emily. It might be a good idea to meet as soon as you can with Dr. Vaughn so you can at least talk to him about where to go from here and that way as the pain of the miscarriage comes, you can remind yourself that there is a plan that this won't happen again. *hugs*

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    1. I don't know how people survived without the internet either Amber. According to my 91 yr. old grandma, they basically just suffered in silence. She was infertile, underwent many surgeries, and was simply unable to conceive. She and my grandfather finally ended up adopting my mom and my mom's brother together at the same time. She said no one around her had problems conceiving and no one understood, making it an extremely lonely struggle. It feels like that many times IRL no one can truly understand if they haven't gone through it, and I agree....having a community of women who understand is such a blessing.

      You make a good point on just knowing what the plan is. I think sometimes knowing what the next step is to be comforting in and of itself. Thanks for always being there girlie. I so appreciate you.

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  3. You are such a strong woman and your faith is inspirational. I'm sorry for your pain and hope this small bit of support is helpful to you. Hang in there. You're lucky that your DH is so supportive.

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    1. Thanks so much Jessah. I really am fortunate to have such an awesome hubby, and I don't take it for granted a single day. Just when I think we couldn't possibly become any closer, something like this happens and sure enough we do.

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  4. Emily,

    I don't know you, but I have been following your blog for about a month. In October I miscarried at 16 weeks and my husband and I are now starting down the scary path of trying to conceive again and infertility. Reading your blogs gave me hope, you are an inspiration to me. When I saw the title of your last post I instantly started crying. My heart is breaking for you. I am so so so sorry that you are going through this, again. I know I cannot say or do anything to make it better, but boy do I wish I could. Please know that you, your husband, and your baby are in my prayers. Sending you lots of hugs!

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    1. I am so sorry for your loss Miranda. I know it has to be even tougher the further along you are, and for that YOU are an inspiration to me. It's a scary path to try again, because even when I do conceive, it's just never going to be as easy as it would be for someone who has never experienced loss. However, I believe that there is a happy ending for us both, and if we don't try to believe that, we'll never see it come to fruition. We've got to have faith it will happen! Thanks for the prayers. I will keep you and your husband in mine as well.

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  5. It's such a horrible situation to be in, isn't it? The waiting for the inevitable is the worst. Again, huge huge hugs to you and your husband. I admire your strength and openess through this all. Obviously this isn't easy for you, but you seem to be doing an amazing job at trying to stay strong and keep your faith. I truly hope your RE can help you guys figure out a plan that will stop this from happening ever again. Thank you for putting all of your journey out there. Not only is it good for you, but it is good for all of us too

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    1. Thank you Darcy. Yes, waiting is hard. I just keep reminding myself that most likely this will all take care of itself "naturally" being that it's so early still. I'm very thankful to connect with women who appreciate the experiences we are all going through. Even though it's a shitty situation to be in, I'm happy if my journey can provide some sort of catharthis to others reading as well. It really does help just letting it all out on paper!

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  6. Still praying. I just don't understand why this happens to such good people. Praying you and your doctor can come up with a good plan that provides you with peace going forward. So many (((((HUGS))))

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    1. Katharine, I am still praying for you too. I know you understand how crazy all of these ups and downs can be. And no, I still haven't wrapped my brain around the "why" of it all on many levels either. I'm not sure I ever will, but I've got to be ok with the fact I may never know why and just try my best to move on without always looking back. That is one of the hardest parts about this journey...not letting all of the failures along the way overshadow hope for the future and really believe that I will be a mom someday.

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  7. Hi Emily,
    I have been reading your blog for several months and just wanted to let you know I am so sorry for your loss. Reading your blog has brought me hope and faith over the last few months, and my heart breaks at your loss. Before I started reading your blog I was a bit lost in my faith. I lost my mother to cancer this summer and dealing with that loss and infertility was too much for me to handle. I started listening to Joel Osteen after you posted about “Thanking God in advance”, and since then I have re-found my faith, all due to you. So thank you for making such a difference in my life. I can’t imagine the heart break you are going through, but I want you to know that I am keeping you in my prayers.
    Dee

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    1. Dee, your comment literally made me weep. I am blown away that writing about my own journey could affect you so deeply. Here I thought I was being selfish by making everyone listen to the stuff I lay awake thinking about at night!

      I definitely know how hard it is to stay faithful when so many tough challenges happen. I was mad at God for a long time after my mom passed. Ironically enough, it was watching Joel Osteen on tv that helped me open my heart back to having a relationship with Him. Joel truly has a gift with words! Don't get me wrong, I still lose hope and question His timing and plan ALL the time.

      It's just that I have a greater belief deep down in my heart nowadays that He does have a better plan than I could ever dream up myself, and I am constantly reminding myself that I need to trust that things will work out for the best. Just wish God wouldn't take so long sometimes, but this must be one heck of a happy ending He's preparing me for. I have to believe that the greater the struggle, the greater the reward.

      Here is another one of my favorite quotes from Joel...

      “No matter how many times you get knocked down, keep getting back up. God sees your resolve. He sees your determination. And when you do everything you can do, that’s when God will step in and do what you can’t do.” ― Joel Osteen, Your Best Life Now

      I think I need to print that one and put it on my bathroom mirror so I'm reminded of it daily. It's so easy to forget, but if you will promise to remind yourself of that daily, then I will too! Thanks again for the very sweet comment.

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  8. :( I am sorry I don't have the words to say. I wish I could give you a big hug and sit there and cry with you. My heart is broken with you.
    Praying for it to be over soon, though I know it will not heal your heart. So glad God has blessed you with such a great husband. Praying for him too, as I'm sure he is brokenhearted as well.

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    1. Thank you so much. Yes, I keep reminding hubby that I know it hurts him too. He is here for me SO much and always there to catch me, but I know he needs his feelings validated too. Please do keep us in your prayers!

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  9. Emily, Wow, look at how many amazing women you have inspired with your journey and through your writings. Your faith, hope, belief, determiniation and love are such an encouragement! Through such a tough time and personal journey, you are a huge inspiration to so many. I am amazed by your strength.

    You said, "But this must be one heck of a happy ending He's preparing me for. I have to believe that the greater the struggle, the greater the reward". Yes! I truly believe this with all my heart. God knows every ounce of your pain & struggling. He knows every tear, every thought, every hope! And He is crying with you right now. Tears weeping for you and your pain.

    For some reason, God's not finished paving the road to your Happy Ending just yet. However, I know that He has BIG things planned for your family! I know that without a doubt. Our only job is to hold onto hope, not give up, and have insurmountable faith in His plan & His timing. And you, dear Emily, are doing that beautifully.

    Hoping that these next few days are easier than you are anticipating. Both physically and mentally. Hoping you get in to see your RE very soon to get those burning nd necessary questions answered and get a plan in place. Having a plan will give you something to look forward to and work towards. I am so glad that you ended up switching RE's and completely trust your doctor. That is so important. And the fact that your new RE was able to get you pregnant on the very first IUI with him is very encouraging! Seems to me like you are in the very best hands possible. And that, at a time like this, is very reassuring.

    Thinking of and praying for you daily!
    Hugs,
    Kara
    www.waitingonbabyb.wordpress.com

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    1. Thanks Kara. We have an appointment with our RE today, so I am thankful for that. The more communication I can have, the better I feel...knowing we are doing everything we can and aren't leaving any stone unturned to figure out why this is happening. I realize I still may not get exact answers, but just having a plan and knowing where to go from here helps, even if it's just him telling us to try the Femara/IUI again since it worked last time.

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  10. Emily, I'm so sorry. I missed your last blog post and didn't realize. I've been there before, having that feeling that something was "off" (once even in the face of my OB's insistence that everything was fine). I don't pray, but I do keep you in my thoughts and I hope that you find peace with this pregnancy and are able to move forward. I agree with the previous poster that you aren't back at square one. It FEELS like it, but it's more like three steps forward, two back. You are making progress, and you will continue to make progress.

    I'm glad you posted something about this on facebook. If I can ever get up the courage to announce, that's what I want to do. I want to acknowledge my miscarriages and put a face on what so many of us go through. I know there are others out there who stay silent, and the more of us that talk about it the more silent people we can reach.

    I don't know how much help thoughts can be, but I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts.

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    2. I'm glad I posted about it on facebook too, for that very reason. That IS why I posted it. I'm sure there are people out there who might think I did it for attention or something, but I definitely didn't. Just as you said, there is a real sisterhood among people who have experienced this, yet many people just suffer in silence and are ashamed and think it's taboo to talk about. I just wanted to speak up and say, It happened to me....again. If it's happened to you, you're not alone. Ya know? Lot's of people reached out with positive comments and others through private messages, including a few girls who said I was brave and that they had miscarriages basically all alone, not telling anyone but their significant other.

      RANT WARNING: Then low and behold, someone who is SUPPOSED to be one of my friends, posted pics of her gender reveal right afterwards this weekend (knowing full well I'd see it and obviously not caring about my feelings). I thought we were pretty good friends, but when I ask myself if I would have done the same thing in such a short amount of time if I was in her shoes the only answer I can come up with is HELL NO! I would never do that, no matter how badly I wanted to share my own fantastic news. Give it a few days at least! Sooooo insensitive and selfish in my humble opinion. Of course she has never lost a pregnancy, so I don't expect her to understand how that must feel to read that right after announcing that you're miscarrying. I don't expect her to keep it a secret forever, but could she have at least waited out the weekend?? Geesh. Broke my heart again just when I was starting to feel a little better. I'm really learning who my true friends are more and more lately.

      Sorry for the total rant. Point is that even if you try to use facebook for good, it has the potential to turn evil on you!! lol

      Good thoughts are always welcome, so please keep them coming.

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  11. This whole thing just breaks my heart. I know how bad you want this...and am so amazed at your strength in not wanting to give up. I pray, pray, pray that this will just hurry up and happen so you can move on and begin trying again. Sending lots of healing thoughts your way <3

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    1. Thank you. I hope it will hurry up and happen to. Not much going on yet, except annoying spotting. I so wish it would just start instead of me sitting here waiting for it to happen and wondering the when's and how's of it all.

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  12. Emily,

    I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know there are no words that can ease the pain, but know that your mom is in Heaven with both arms full of babies :)

    I have been following your post for a couple of months now and was absolutely devastated when I saw that this was happening again. I understand how difficult recurrent miscarriages can be, I am up to three, with my last ones this past February and July, and you really begin to wonder if it will ever happen. You're strength and strong faith have been such an inspiration for me. I am constantly wondering if I have the strength to continue, but reading your posts have caused me to keep moving forward with the fight.

    I agree completely that this shouldn't be so secretive. Until I started miscarrying, I had no idea just how common it was. Now it seems like everyone that knows about my struggle has been there or knows someone that has been through it. Thank the Lord for online forums, I don't know where I'd be without them!

    I wish there was more that I could do to help, but know that you are in my prayers and this WILL happen for you one day.

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  13. Emily, I know there are no words I can say to make the pain go away. I cried when I read your post and DH was worried I had gone mad. I told him why I was crying and he looked at me with such a confusion. I cant help but cry for your loss because I know how hard it has been for you to conceive. When I read your post I know u deserve this and would be an exceptional mother. Hang in there.

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  14. My heart breaks for you... stay strong and keep moving forward.

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