I need to vent and ask your opinions please. There is something weighing very heavy on my heart and today is the second day I've woken up at 3 AM completely upset about it and unable to sleep...
As you may know, I was pretty torn apart Friday evening, finding out I was going to lose this pregnancy. I blogged about
it and posted about it on facebook. I felt like I was going to explode
if I didn't get the heartache out of my system and connect with others who have gone through something similar. I got tons of
great support from you all here on my blog and on facebook, with many nice comments and private messages from women
who have gone through it.
extremely hurt this weekend, when right after I posted my
heartfelt post about miscarrying, that someone I thought was a "good friend" posted a bunch of joyous
gender reveal pics on facebook, knowing I would see it and knowing exactly what we were going through. Her husband had actually texted my husband the day we found out, and we had already relayed the bad news. Not to mention, this girl posted a comment saying "We're crushed that you are going through this" on my page. Then, literally 24 hours later posted all of her wonderful announcements complete with balloons and smiles, and tons of congratulatory comments. I knew that she was finding out the sex of their baby the same day we found out we were miscarrying, so it was poor timing, but to have her
post her gender reveal front and center the very same weekend of my horrible news CRUSHED
ME to say the least.
Surely a true friend wouldn't do that. Why did I think she was that close of a friend anyways? Maybe because when she was first diagnosed with cancer years ago, I cried myself and made sure I took time to send her a care package of resources from LIVESTRONG, where I volunteer, to help her navigate through the health care system and help her feel she wasn't so alone and had support. Maybe because I always made sure to offer words of encouragement from the time she was diagnosed until the time she beat it. Maybe because she and her husband were the only people we mailed a Christmas package to outside of our own family last year, the ONLY ones! Maybe because my husband and I opened our home to them and they stayed with us to celebrate my husband's entire birthday weekend recently. Maybe because when she reached out to me several months ago frantic about her ability to conceive after seeing a doctor and being told her chances were slim, I spent an hour on the phone providing advice to calm her down and giving her a whole list of books to read....which she did and became pregnant right away using what she learned with no medical intervention necessary. Maybe because I squashed my own pain from the struggle I was still experiencing when I found out she was pregnant and sent her a card AND reached out to congratulate her personally via phone.
Now I don't expect people to put their lives on hold
according to what Emily and Matt might be experiencing that week, and I
even told her on the phone when I called to congratulate her on her
pregnancy "don't feel like you need to censor yourself just because we
are struggling". However, that was when there were no real changes going on for us at that time. I just feel like the game kind of changes and
some extra tact should be used when someone loses a pregnancy suddenly. And to give them credit, this couple had been thoughtful enough to let us know about their pregnancy before they announced it to the world, but all of a sudden now it seemed like all regard for our feelings had gone completely out the window! I logged into facebook, saw her joyous gender reveal smack at the top of my newsfeed and I could instantly feel steam coming from my ears and rivers streaming down my cheeks. I didn't know whether to be hurt or extremely pissed off, or both. I have just never felt so worthless as a friend in all of my life.
I realize I told her "not to censor herself" previously, but my God this was so soon after such crushing news on our end! I kept
asking myself if I would do the same thing if the tables were turned. What if it were me who was just trying to enjoy my pregnancy? What if I had never experienced a pregnancy loss and just couldn't really relate 100% to how that must feel? What if it were me who had gone through cancer years before and was just happy to be alive and now bearing life?
I am open and honest enough with myself enough to ask these questions, but the only answer I come up with was HELL NO I still wouldn't be so inconsiderate. I would have waited at least a few days for the dust to settle. I wouldn't have cared what I'd been through to get there or how excited I was, I still wouldn't do that in the face of someone who had just experienced a loss. It's just plain selfish. Period.
Then I asked myself if any of my other true friends would have behaved in the same manner? Would Tammy ever do such a thing? Or Michelle? Or anyone else who's close to me. Still again, the answer I came up with was NO WAY would they EVER do such a thing knowing what I must be going through at the same exact time.
For the past couple of days my heart has just been aching over this, because it just feels like a friendship I put effort into was one sided all along. Not like we're best friends, but more like longtime friends and were becoming even closer the past year through phonecalls and visits more regularly. I mean looking back, I guess I have probably gone out of my way for this person more than she has for me, so why should I be surprised really? I am definitely not the type of person to do things for others and expect something back in return either. I don't keep tabs or feel like people owe me, ever. I do things because I want to and because I'm a caring and good and loyal friend. However, I do expect just a little compassion and selflessness in return, even if it means a little sacrifice on the other friend's part from time to time. Believe me, I'll be overjoyed when I do get pregnant and find out the sex of my baby, but if a friend of mine reveals they are miscarrying the same exact day I find out, I'll probably use my better judgement and contain myself for just a little bit longer until the dust settles. That's just me though. Maybe I'm crazy.
I have gone ahead and removed she and her husband from my newsfeed on facebook. It just hurts too badly to see their posts now. I figure if they are going to do a public gender reveal while they know I'm miscarrying, I shouldn't have any interest in continuing to make emotional deposits into a friendship which has left me feeling so brushed aside at this point. I'm torn in how I feel about them at all anymore, because I know that deep down they are good people, but this just caught me so off guard in a way I never imagined would happen. I thought about approaching them directly and telling them how much their actions hurt me, but what's the point really? How is my telling them going to make the experience go away? It won't, and as much as I'd like to, it's not something I'll forget very easily.
I would really love some honest feedback though. Am I overreacting? What would you do?