Friday, December 21, 2012

Forever in our Hearts

Where oh where do I begin? So much has happened since my last post 9 days ago, and in all honesty it's just plain exhausting to think about. Shortly after my last blog I received a double whammy of bad news. Last Friday morning I received an early morning call, one of those abnormally early calls from the friend who normally sleeps know, the kind of call no one likes to get. I knew the minute I answered it, the news I would hear on the other end would not be good, and it wasn't.

We were informed that one of our best friends had been killed in a tragic auto accident. I will never forget getting that call, how my heart sank, how I rushed home from the gym to yank my husband out of bed frantically, shaking and crying that Dave was gone. I still cannot believe it. I've lost 4 friends thus far in life, but never have we lost a friend that we cared about as much as we did for Dave. This time we lost a brother. He and my husband were extremely close. In fact, if it weren't for Dave buying me and my girlfriend a drink at a bar in my hometown of Orlando, FL ten years ago, my husband and I wouldn't even be married today. He had just come to stay at our house for a whole week for the SXSW Music Festival this year, and we were constantly calling and texting each other. He was one of those people who wasn't scared to tell us, "I love you guys" and he said it every single time we spoke.

Dave would be the first to admit he was imperfect at times, but as a friend, I have never met a person so generous, honest, loving, forgiving, and kind hearted. He was open and honest about his struggles, even producing a movie called "Renee" about addiction and depression that will be released later this year. A portion of his experiences are depicted in the movie, and that story also inspired an entire movement and non-profit organization called TWLOHA (To Write Love on Her Arms). Dave was an extraordinary person who shared openly at all times, especially if it would help others You can see his story of addiction and recovery in his own words here....

I think anyone would be hard pressed to listen to his words and not be moved as he talks about putting Christ first place in his life. It is so very sad for me to watch this video knowing all of the amazing potential he still had left. We flew to Orlando to attend his funeral, cried for 3 days straight but even being home now, it still doesn't seem quite real. Our dear friend and brother Dave McKenna, we will never ever forget you and you will live forever in our hearts.

Sigh...In addition, I was waiting anxiously for my follow-up hCG test result that same day we found out about Dave, hoping that it would drop to show the methotrexate was working to absolve the ectopic pregnancy. Well, my hCG went UP instead of down... from 207 to 223. Frack! Back to the RE I went for two more shots of chemotherapy in my ass. I am racking my brain trying to think of a body part my OB & RE haven't seen yet, but I'm not sure there is one. I was going to say the bottom of my feet, but nope they've seen those too. Stirrups, hello! I was reassured that the 2nd set of shots should really do the trick by my nurse who also said, "I've never seen the second shot not work, so you should be fine once we give you this one." Haha! I have to laugh anytime I'm told "this rarely happens" or "that never happens" because Lord knows my body likes to defy odds. Hubby and I went on our merry way.

At this point on such a horrible day, it was ironically hard to even become upset about anything having to do with us. We could only imagine what Dave's family and girlfriend of 3 years must have been feeling. Losing someone you love is the biggest reality check you can ever get that is for sure. It kind of makes everything else pale in comparison, and no way was I about to feel sorry for myself because of an ectopic pregnancy and all of the crap that isn't going right. I know, I know....I deserve to experience feelings of anger and sadness over my own situation too, but honestly, I really haven't been lately. I just keep thinking of Dave and his family, and my problems just seem so small in comparison.

I had more blood testing done while in Orlando, which showed a drop of hCG from 223 to 147. I went again today and saw yet another drop in hCG from 147 to 108. Halle-freaking-lujah! I think it's finally dropping like it's supposed to be.  You can see all 10 hCG tests so far over on the right hand side of this page under "Timeline" if you're interested. I'm updating everything there >>>>

I'm 8.5 weeks pregnant today and have been dealing with this rollercoaster of hCG for 3 solid weeks so far....well really almost 5 weeks if you count my stress from the very first hCG, which was low right off the bat. I'm just really ready to close this chapter, and hoping that this could be the light at the end of the tunnel for the ectopic pregnancy to finally be ending soon! I am scheduled for another hCG test one week from today. Just hoping and praying that hCG will be down to 0 by then, because if I don't have a glass of wine soon, I may end up doing something we'll all regret!

More updates to come on all of our recurrent miscarriage panel testing and chromosome testing. This is post is getting long, and I'm tired of talking about myself, but I'll update on those things soon.  Please if you can all do me a favor, and tell those you love how much you love them this week, especially if you haven't in a while. Even if you are going through a hard time, try to be thankful for your spouse or your pets or anything you DO have. If I have nothing else in life, at least I have a husband who loves me, and not everyone can say that. We ALL have so much to be thankful for.


  1. Emily I am so sorry for your loss. Loss is never an easy thing to go through and I hope you are able to find peace in the midst of all this tragedy. Sounds like the world lost a wonderful soul. Deeply saddened for you and his loved ones.

  2. Oh my, Emily, I'm so sorry. That is never ever an easy thing and to already be dealing with grief and loss with your pregnancy, I have no words. But I am sorry. Big hugs to ya...and try and have a Merry Christmas.

  3. Emily, I am so incredibly sorry for all you have been through. I sure hope 2013 is the beginning of a much happier time than how 2012 ended. You are such an amazing woman and I wish I could take all this pain from you. *hugs*

  4. When it rains it really pours doesnt it? I'm so sorry Emily. You really dont deserve all this pain that you are going through. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and your baby. Its especially not fair to happen during the holidays. Big ((HUGS)).

  5. Emily, I was in tears thinking of all the pain you are having to endure right now. You are such a strong woman. I am so sorry that you lost such an amazing friend as you are still dealing with a miscarriage. I wish there were words to make it go away or make it better. Just know that I am thinking of you and praying that God will wrap His arms around you and carry you when you are too weak.


  6. So sorry for your loss Emily. It's incredibly unfair. Big hugs and thinking of you.

  7. Em...I hated reading this. My heart breaks for your loss. I'm so sorry... you've had so much to deal with lately. Hoping that you, hubby and your friend's family finds peace and healing. Great reminder that despite everything...we have our loving husbands by our sides. And that is a lot.

  8. As I read your post my heart sank to my stomach because I can relate. We too lost our best friends in an auto accident. I know whatever people say wont make up for what happened. Just remember he is in a better place now.I am truly sorry for your lost.

  9. I've heard of TWLOHA before. It sounds like an extraordinary organization. How special that Dave has done so much good in his far too short life. May he rest well in peace.