I was on the phone on and off all day yesterday with the meds coordinator from my fertility clinic, the mail order pharmacy, my home town pharmacy, and the financial counselor from my fertility clinic. With each and every phonecall the tally climbed (we are up to about $17,000 now) and I became more and more anxiety ridden and a little pissed off if I'm being totally honest. Everyone I spoke to had the utmost professionalism and delivered amazing customer service. It wasn't that. What it boils down to is that this process simply is not fair!
While I keep reminding myself it's a privilege to even have IVF available, I still feel like it's not fair that we have to go to such great lengths to do something millions of people do all over the planet with zero physical pain, emotional pain, or financial sacrifice. It's what women are born to do, and yet I can't seem to do it on my own.
-It's not fair that drug addicts, promiscuous women and other ungrateful people can have children unexpectedly and I can't no matter how hard I try.
-It's not fair that we have to support healthcare costs of so many preventable diseases in this country that are many times the product of "lifestyle choices", yet there are no mandates for infertility insurance coverage for couples who have a medical diagnosis preventing them from having a family.
-It's not fair that I have spent the last almost two years living my life waiting...waiting for ovulation, waiting for blood test results, waiting for good news, only to be let down each and every time I think something good might happen.
-It's not fair that I've had to put my career in fitness, my physical body, the absolute love of my life (sweating it out in the gym) completely on hold for the chance to make my reproductive system tick again like it should. Meanwhile other women can just find out they are accidentally pregnant while running marathons, or even while winning an Olympic gold medal for volleyball. Thanks Kerri Walsh for reminding me how flawed I am. Seeing a pregnant lady running her heart out on the treadmill at the gym is like a slap in the face to me, because I'm "not allowed" to exercise strenuously.
-It's not fair that the entire staff at the lab where I give blood for testing know me by first name and that a 65 year old man who makes $200 for every 15 minute visit knows me by my vagina.
-It's not fair that my husband has to have a wife who's moods are up and down according to what drug is being pumped into my body, what cycle has failed yet again, and who has to sacrifice every extra cent of his hard earned paychek for something most women and couples can do with no problem. We don't have any savings. We don't have any retirement. Nope, we have infertility.
-It's not fair that we both have to endure the ignorance and selfishness of others' comments from people in public and even from people we thought were our "friends." It's not fair that we have to feel like outcasts in many situations and that most of society has no f'ing clue what it's like to go through this process.
Sorry, but that's just how I feel today. I spent a few minutes hugging my husband and crying on his shoulder this morning. All I kept saying was, "This HAS to work. This HAS to work." My meds arrived at our doorstep today as well...
|In case you ever wondered, this is what $6170.85 of IVF meds looks like.|
|Of course I measured, and these are 2 inches long. WTF?|
I mean why must they be this long? I thought these were all supposed to be subcutaneous (under the skin) and not intramuscular (in the muscle) so why the heck are these so freaking big?! I haven't even taken the prefilled Gonal-F or Ovidrel out of the box, because I'm scared to see how long those needles are. I guess there is just no way around it. It is what it is, and I have to accept that this has become our reality. I know one thing; If this doesn't break me of my fear of needles head on, I don't know what will.
Sunday is the last day of taking BCP's, and Monday is when the real fun all begins. We go for our appointment with the IVF nurse, where she teaches us how to properly use all of the injections. I also have my baseline ultrasound and mock transfer with Dr. Vaughn. Then Wednesday, we'll start injecting the Lupron, and Friday we start injecting the Gonal F & Menopur. All of the other meds will have their time and place as well during the next few weeks. If you can say a prayer that I can somehow endure all of these shots and blood tests, it would be appreciated.
I know I don't have another option if we want to do IVF, and that I just need to put on my big girl panties and suck it up. For this moment right here and now though, it's my IVF pity party and I'll cry if I want to. You would cry too if it happened to you!