Thursday, November 21, 2013

Opening the Door

Yesterday, I was telling my acupuncturist how at peace I feel with this last FET. Some people might look at this schedule of injections and appointments and think it's the last thing on earth they'd want to go through to have a baby. Yet, I'm actually feeling better about this cycle than I have the last two FET's. Why?

For one, doing something different this round has given me a new sense of hope for a positive outcome. I don't care if it requires taking more meds or involves more needles. It's different, and different is good! I do realize how tricky having this pesky thing called hope can be of course, because it's what makes defeat all the more painful if it ultimately follows. Still, I'm choosing to be brave enough to let down my guard and allow hope into my heart.

Secondly, looking back on all we've been through the past 2.5 years and looking ahead to everything happening this cycle, I TRULY have the peace of mind that we have done and are doing ALL that we can to make this dream come true. I've tried my best to maintain a healthy balance of micromanaging every aspect of our treatment, while also trusting in the doctors and God's plan. Is that even possible? Ha!

However, the fact that we've followed all the "rules" that we've been given by our RE, our nutritionist, and my acupuncturist since Day 1 of us actively TTC'ing can at least give us peace of mind that if this doesn't work, it's nothing that we did wrong. At the end of the day, it's either going to work or it's not. Even if it doesn't work, at least I won't have any regrets that "I shouldn't have eaten that" or  "I shouldn't have run that marathon."

My acu reminded me that even though we still have meds to do this cycle and appointments to go to and the actual process of the FET, really our work is done. It took some string pulling to finally get the low dose steroid and the Lovenox added to our protocol, and the fact that we are pulling out the big guns for my lining development is reassuring. The only thing we haven't added is intralipid infusions (as recommended by Dr. Sher to lower borderline high NK cells). I'm not completely sold on my need for this controversial immune treatment, and thus we've made the decision to stick with our current RE and just counteract possible immune activity with a low dose steroid.

As many of you would probably agree, just having a feasable plan in place that you feel comfortable with and that your body will HOPEFULLY respond to is sometimes one of the biggest hurdles once you're knee deep into IVF. There are never any guarantees, but I feel really good about our plan. I feel like the hardest part of this cycle is already over.

My acu also reminded me that our only job now is to "Open the door" focus our energy on inviting our future child into our lives and open the door for it to happen. She talked about how sometimes when we work so hard at dotting i's and crossing t's, that we can sometimes forget that we also need to "just be" and allow the powers that be to intervene. She reminded me that sometimes the things that take the very LEAST amount of energy can also be the MOST powerful. Focus on making a good plan yes, but don't forget about the easy and powerful aspect of opening your arms up to receive what is sitting right in front of you...doing something as simple as turning the doorknob and allowing what you want to come in without any interference.

"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.- Jesus Christ (Luke 11:9)

"In oneself lies the whole world, and if you know how to look and learn, then the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either that key or the door to open, except yourself. - J. Krishnamurti

"Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door." - Coco Chanel

Spending quiet time meditating, praying, or just listening to music is something I do most days of the week, but I still feel like I've been slacking in the spiritual department. Even though I feel I've grown closer to God throughout this journey overall, I know I've lost some degree of my connection to my own inner strength.

The fact is, that before all this TTC'ing, I spent more time actively visualizing what I wanted in life. I am a big believer in dream boards and meditation, and the law of attraction. And yes, I do think you can be a Christian and also believe in the law of attraction. I think people who aren't open to the idea of the attracting what you want in life really just don't know what it's about. Some might make a blanket statement of "Oh, that is new age garbage" or "hocus pocus" or something along those lines. Honestly, I don't see a vast separation between believing in God for what you want, and also believing that what you think about and speak over your own life also has power. To me, both of these outlooks are tightly woven and mesh perfectly together. "What you think about and thank about, you bring about."-  I believe that! Check out 100 quotes from "The Secret".

No better time to open up the future nursery door and start spending some more time in I used to when we first started trying for a baby. I dug out my vision board that I made 2+ years ago...

And the onesies and bibs that I bought around the same time...

I couldn't help but think of our two little blastocysts that will be transferred in only a couple weeks time.  I also cracked open the journal I'd been keeping where I would write to our future child. I started this journal on 1/26/2012 but hadn't written in it since 9/10/'s been a while. I felt compelled to make a new entry.

I want our future babies to know they are wanted and that we are here, ready and waiting with open arms. I even whipped out a contract I'd written to God a while back....

This was a suggestion taken from a sermon by Joel Osteen, where he talked about his sister's infertility and how she wrote out a contract with God, reminding Him of His promises and asking for them with expectancy. It's not wrong to ask boldly for what we what and also EXPECT it according to His own promises in scripture.

Sure, I could just think about all this stuff in my head, but having something to see, feel and touch makes it easier to arrive in a centered quiet place each day and OPEN THE DOOR to what we want in our lives. I'm choosing to look at this cycle as "us time." There will be no worry, or second guessing, or "work" to be done. All we need to do is follow the plan that's already been set each day and adjust accordingly as things unfold. Our only job now is to open the door and allow whatever is meant to be to enter.


  1. Expectant with you and asking big things for you! Hope this FET cycle is off to a great start!

  2. What a wonderful place you are in as you move forward into this FET. You're ready. You're set. Let's do this. So many people are praying and cheering you on. Especially me. :)

  3. Praying scripture and Biblical promises back to the Lord can be such a powerful experience. Hoping and praying for you!

  4. Good for you! This is the best way to go into a cycle! I remember before our positive cycle, I cleaned my house from top to bottom and then smudged the house right before my transfer. I wanted to get out all the negative energy from our house so I could only bring positive energy back when those embryos were in my womb. I felt like I was telling them I was ready for them and there was room for them in our life.

  5. I think having that "feeling" is just so important!! You are always in my prayers girl. Now I must go and find all of my Christmas decorations!

  6. I have to say I love the place you are in. You seem to be at peace with this coming FET cycle. The secret does have a great insight. I'm also a believer in what it says. If you think it, it will come true. Keep thinking positive and I'm praying for this FET to be succesful.

  7. I love, love, love this post for so many reasons. First, I totally agree that what we speak and think matter. We were created in God's image and everything He first thought He then spoke into existence. I don't think we were ever created to think or speak things we didn't want to happen, but we do and then wonder why things are happening in our lives that we don't like or want. I have really been concentrating on my thoughts and my words the last several months and I can testify that my life just seems to be going smoother. I only speak and think of things that I want to happen. Joyce Meyer has a great book called "Change your words, change your life." I love Proverbs 18:21 "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat it's fruit." There is power in our words and our words can either create or destroy. Therefore, I speak out loud life in your womb and I stand in agreement that this cycle will be different for you. I won't think anything but good thoughts for you ;) Blessings!

  8. Standing in agreement with you that his promised will be fulfilled. Nothing wrong with reminding ourselves of his promises and in fact that's what helps me to remain hopeful. I am excited for what this cycle will bring.

  9. I'm Amening Elisha! This is powerful stuff and our words are powerful stuff. Definitely begin to imagine yourself as pregnant. Speak like it's coming soon. Go into that nursey, write those future kids of yours, all that stuff shows God that you are waiting EXPECTANTLY. His word NEVER returns void and it promises that He makes every barren woman a mother of children. That is a promise! Continue to have that faith that it will happen this month!!! Believing and standing in agreement with you! PS. This might be a bold move or suggestion, but try forgiving yourself, friends, the doctors and the Lord for anything negative you have spoken over your body or situation. Those words have so much power, but when we ask for forgiveness we can walk in complete freedom and we will start to see breakthrough in our situations!! :)

  10. How wonderful you feel so much peace! You have done everything you can do on your end, so this cycle is going to work! Love the contract idea! Maybe I should write one up...

  11. Emily, what a beautiful post. This is so special. My prayers are with you in the next few weeks. God bless you.

  12. This is such a wonderful post. I love your vision board so much! Praying that this is the one and that this is it!! xoxo

  13. This post makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Because, I love that you are at such a good place going into your cycle. Thinking of you! xoxo

  14. I love the positivity and I've always loved that vision board. I'm so glad you're opening up these channels you haven't opened in a while and I'm really and truly praying Emily. *hugs*