For one, doing something different this round has given me a new sense of hope for a positive outcome. I don't care if it requires taking more meds or involves more needles. It's different, and different is good! I do realize how tricky having this pesky thing called hope can be of course, because it's what makes defeat all the more painful if it ultimately follows. Still, I'm choosing to be brave enough to let down my guard and allow hope into my heart.
Secondly, looking back on all we've been through the past 2.5 years and looking ahead to everything happening this cycle, I TRULY have the peace of mind that we have done and are doing ALL that we can to make this dream come true. I've tried my best to maintain a healthy balance of micromanaging every aspect of our treatment, while also trusting in the doctors and God's plan. Is that even possible? Ha!
However, the fact that we've followed all the "rules" that we've been given by our RE, our nutritionist, and my acupuncturist since Day 1 of us actively TTC'ing can at least give us peace of mind that if this doesn't work, it's nothing that we did wrong. At the end of the day, it's either going to work or it's not. Even if it doesn't work, at least I won't have any regrets that "I shouldn't have eaten that" or "I shouldn't have run that marathon."
My acu reminded me that even though we still have meds to do this cycle and appointments to go to and the actual process of the FET, really our work is done. It took some string pulling to finally get the low dose steroid and the Lovenox added to our protocol, and the fact that we are pulling out the big guns for my lining development is reassuring. The only thing we haven't added is intralipid infusions (as recommended by Dr. Sher to lower borderline high NK cells). I'm not completely sold on my need for this controversial immune treatment, and thus we've made the decision to stick with our current RE and just counteract possible immune activity with a low dose steroid.
As many of you would probably agree, just having a feasable plan in place that you feel comfortable with and that your body will HOPEFULLY respond to is sometimes one of the biggest hurdles once you're knee deep into IVF. There are never any guarantees, but I feel really good about our plan. I feel like the hardest part of this cycle is already over.
My acu also reminded me that our only job now is to "Open the door"...to focus our energy on inviting our future child into our lives and open the door for it to happen. She talked about how sometimes when we work so hard at dotting i's and crossing t's, that we can sometimes forget that we also need to "just be" and allow the powers that be to intervene. She reminded me that sometimes the things that take the very LEAST amount of energy can also be the MOST powerful. Focus on making a good plan yes, but don't forget about the easy and powerful aspect of opening your arms up to receive what is sitting right in front of you...doing something as simple as turning the doorknob and allowing what you want to come in without any interference.
"So I say to you, ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.- Jesus Christ (Luke 11:9)
"In oneself lies the whole world, and if you know how to look and learn, then the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either that key or the door to open, except yourself. - J. Krishnamurti
"Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door." - Coco Chanel
Spending quiet time meditating, praying, or just listening to music is something I do most days of the week, but I still feel like I've been slacking in the spiritual department. Even though I feel I've grown closer to God throughout this journey overall, I know I've lost some degree of my connection to my own inner strength.
The fact is, that before all this TTC'ing, I spent more time actively visualizing what I wanted in life. I am a big believer in dream boards and meditation, and the law of attraction. And yes, I do think you can be a Christian and also believe in the law of attraction. I think people who aren't open to the idea of the attracting what you want in life really just don't know what it's about. Some might make a blanket statement of "Oh, that is new age garbage" or "hocus pocus" or something along those lines. Honestly, I don't see a vast separation between believing in God for what you want, and also believing that what you think about and speak over your own life also has power. To me, both of these outlooks are tightly woven and mesh perfectly together. "What you think about and thank about, you bring about."- I believe that! Check out 100 quotes from "The Secret".
No better time to open up the future nursery door and start spending some more time in there...like I used to when we first started trying for a baby. I dug out my vision board that I made 2+ years ago...
And the onesies and bibs that I bought around the same time...
I want our future babies to know they are wanted and that we are here, ready and waiting with open arms. I even whipped out a contract I'd written to God a while back....
Sure, I could just think about all this stuff in my head, but having something to see, feel and touch makes it easier to arrive in a centered quiet place each day and OPEN THE DOOR to what we want in our lives. I'm choosing to look at this cycle as "us time." There will be no worry, or second guessing, or "work" to be done. All we need to do is follow the plan that's already been set each day and adjust accordingly as things unfold. Our only job now is to open the door and allow whatever is meant to be to enter.