Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Jinglebells or Jinglehell?


The jinglebells have been brought! A couple weeks ago hubby made a comment of "Almost time to put up the Christmas tree..." I could tell he was excited about it, and why shouldn't he be? We LOVE Christmas time in our house. My 91 year old grandma would be ashamed if she knew how early we start playing Christmas tunes and put up our decorations. Gasp! What is it with older people and their strong opinions about exactly when stores should start carrying Christmas items and when you are allowed to start getting in the spirit? Maybe it's just my Grandma, but she'd make hanging up lights before Thanksgiving illegal if she could. Cracks me up! Listen granny, if I am doing the work of putting up the decor, I am going to enjoy it as long as possible!

I must confess though, that this year I was NOT looking forward to dragging the trees down from the attic. As soon as the suggestion was made, my mind jumped right to last year when we put up the tree. I will never forget it; I was SO incredibly happy. I'd just found out that I was pregnant, and all I could think of was that we'd soon have a little one celebrating the holidays with us. It brought back memories of my own childhood, and I don't think I had ever felt more excited in my entire life. I was already dreaming up the types of traditions we could have as a family...opening one gift on Christmas Eve, serving HoneyBaked Ham for dinner, and attending church as a family.  I had all the classic signs:  metal taste in my mouth, extremely tired, and already having nausea. While that might sound like a drag, to me it was not. I found out that I was pregnant really early at 4 weeks (exactly 2 weeks after conception), and all the symptoms somehow made it more real and lended to my excitement even more. It was just so wonderful "feeling pregnant".

Only a couple short weeks later, I received news from my RE that she expected me to miscarry, based on blood work showing low progesterone and later decreasing hCG levels. Even with progesterone supplementation the pregnancy went downhill fast. It completely blindsided me. I guess I was just naive. I honestly thought the hard part for me would be getting pregnant and that as long as I did, there was no reason to worry about miscarriage. At the time I didn't realize how common miscarriage is, perhaps because a lot of people don't talk about it.   Come to find out later that about 50% of pregnancies in my age group end in miscarriage. Um, hello? No one sent me the memo that is for sure! Needless to say I spent the next month in the worst emotional pain I'd felt since my mom passing.

There were some days I didn't even want to get out of bed, but other days I was just forced to power through. I was actually right in the middle of my miscarriage when I was stuck on the set of a commercial acting for 14 hours straight. That same day we were also entertaining out of town company, and I was slated to make Thanksgiving dinner for 7 the following day. Yeah, fun stuff. Want to be really uncomfortable? Have out of town company while you miscarry and have them not make any comment or give you any condolences whatsoever....like it's a big pretend game that it's not even happening, even though you all know it is.  I did have one person, hubby's uncle, approach me on Thanksgiving Day and tell me how sorry he was to hear what I was going through. It was only about a 10 second conversation, but I will never forget how much I appreciated just that simple little statement and hug he gave me. Just FYI, if you ever have a friend or family member who goes through this sort of thing, please don't clam up for fear of saying the wrong thing. They will only feel like you don't really care or would rather not make yourself uncomfortable by bringing it up. Here is what you say to them...

"I am so sorry you are going through this. I know there's nothing I can say to make the hurt you must be feeling go away, but I just want you to know I am here for you. Anything you need or anything I can do, please just say the word. I love you."

Simple right? Actually, you'll notice that quote works well for ALL types of tough situations. And if you can't remember all of that, then try writing it in a card and hand it to the person. Take a chance and let someone know you care, even if it makes you uncomfortable. I guarantee your hesitations are a drop in the bucket compared with the feelings the person miscarrying has, and they will appreciate the effort. And while I'm giving advice here, whatever you do, do NOT make up a bunch of craptastic excuses about how it "wasn't meant to be" or that is "happened for a reason." That will only get you a black eye.

I am pretty damn proud of myself for not breaking down in front of anyone once.  Anyway, the point is just that I have some really crappy memories from that time period, and now it's become hard for me to think about the holidays without also thinking of how great it felt to be pregnant....yet how quickly my wonderful new future was ripped away.  I know this sounds dramatic, but unless you've gone through it, please don't judge. On top of this, it would have been my mom's 60th birthday this month, and I don't think I have to tell you how much I could use my mom these days. I know, I know....whoas me.

As much as I would have liked to skip the holiday excitement altogether this year, I decided it would not be fun nor fair to sit around the next two months with no decorations and me moping about what could have been. I love my husband way too much to put him through Jinglehell, so suck it up and decorate I did...

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

Of course my mind went where I didn't want it to a couple times, but I just turned up Michael Buble' Christmas even louder and that seemed to drown out any negative thoughts.  I love that album! Seriously, it's a guaranteed mood lifter. By the time I was done I was SO HAPPY and felt like I had a completely renewed holiday spirit. There is just something about sparkly lights and ornaments that is bound to make you smile....kinda similar to holding an ice cream cone. :)

Pregnancy test is scheduled for next week on 11/20 (the day before I started miscarrying last year) so I'm just really trying to stay positive in the meantime and hoping for some good news. No matter what happens, I'm not going to let it ruin the holidays. I'm just not.  I have to remind myself that every moment wasted being unhappy about the past or even my current situation could have been a moment spent making a happy new memory with the person I love most in life.  Life goes on and so will I....and I will be joyful doing it if I can help it!

26 comments:

  1. Emily, First and foremost, your house is beautiful. Love how u decorated! I know what you mean when you say you felt HAPPY afterwards. Christmas music is always a cheerer upper. I am glad you are seeing things in a positive perspective...I really cant imagine what you went through but just know WE (ur cyber buddies) are always here for u in whatever you need.

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  2. Emily,
    We love Christmas around here too! It's my very favorite time of year! I had a miscarraige last year around Thanksgiving too, so I know just how the holidays can feel, with a reminder of that heartache lingering around, with each twinkling light, and each could-have-been thought. I am so sorry for all that you have been through! Miscarraiges are so very hard...I wish no one had to ever experience that kind of pain. I don't know how I ever made it through 3 and an ectopic. I pretty much have a pact with God that I can't handle another...ever. I sure hope He listens.

    I am glad that you are willing yourself to get in the Holiday Spirit and that you will be joyful no matter what! It really is the best time of year to snuggle up closer with those you love and be reminded of all the things we have to be grateful for!

    I want you to know that you are in my prayers daily. I pray that God will bless you with the baby you have been patiently and obediently waiting on...and so absolutely deserve! I just know He has big things planned for your family :-)

    xoxo-Kara
    www.waitingonbabyb.wordpress.com

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    1. Well, I don't pretend to know what it feels like to go through 3 and an ectopic pregnancy, but it does change your life forever when you TTC and it happens. Thanks so much for keeping us in your prayers. I'm so sorry about your loss last year too, and I hope those memories will pale in comparison to the love that will surround you this year at the holidays.

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    2. It sure does change you forever, that's for sure! No matter if you go through one miscarraige or three...they are each just as hard as the first. And I agree about people not knowing how to respond to such a tragedy. I didn't tell anyone about any of our pregnancies following the first (except for being rushed to the ER for the ectopic) because of that very reason. I didn't want to go through the awkwardness of my loved ones not knowing how to respond, or what I needed to be comforted. All I really needed was a hug and an acknowledgement of what we were going through. It seems (most) people don't know how to handle these things unless they have been through it themselves.

      One thing about experiencing miscarriages, is that it has made me a lot more compassionate to those struggling around me. Not just with infertility, but with everything. I keep thinking that very reason is why God has allowed this pain and trial in my life. He is constantly trying to shape and mold us to be more like Him. This experience has definitely opened my eyes to all the heartache, pain and struggles that others go through. Whether it be an illness, a lost child, a lost loved one, a lost dream, or anything else that can cause heartache...I now know (a lot more than I used to) how to react and how to comfort those in the trenches with broken and bleeding hearts. Whether I needed to go through 3 miscarraiges and an ectopic to fully get to this realization and the place of compassion I am today, only God knows that (I could have thought of a million other ways to shape and mold me without a string of miscarraiges -- but that's why I'm not God and He is). And even though it's soooo hard at times, I trust Him and His path of molding and shaping my life.

      Just hoping that all that molding and shaping has prepared me for an amazing blessing. And that, Emily, is what I hope and pray for you too! After all the heartache, it's high time we get some blessings all up in here!

      xoxo - Kara
      www.waitingonbabyb.wordpress.com

      P.S. I love your tree, it's absolutely gorgeous...and the rod iron work in your house is just stunning! You have my dream stairway. Honest, I think I have the same picture pinned about a zillion times on pinterest :-)

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    4. I couldn't agree with you more. I feel like the lessons I've learned most through this are to be more patient, less judgmental, and to be less controlling. I have watched a few people around me get pregnant while out partying and not even trying really. It's been hard not to think of the unfairness and become judgmental, but is has in fact helped me become less judgmental lately....really in the past few weeks I have just let it go. It's not for me to say I deserve to be blessed more than they do. I've learned I can't change other people and have decided to stop wasting energy on it.

      More than anything, I've learned (and am still working on learning) that I can't control this process. Everything else in my life I have controlled. I wanted a 4.0 for my Master's degree, and I worked really hard and got it. I wanted to lose weight for a fitness competition, and I trained really hard and won the grand prize. All of my tried and true tricks of mapping out a problem, plan of action, and ultimate goal are NOT working for the first time in my life and it's been HARD to come to terms with. I am finally learning to let go and give the control over to God. There are just so many things I don't understand still, but I've got to remind myself daily that for some reason I must need to learn something from this still. I am trying to remember each day that you can't have worry and faith together. They cannot co-exist. You either have faith or you worry. You can't have them both. I am trying to choose faith as best I can.

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    5. So interesting how two people can go through exactly the same experiences and take something unique and different away from the struggle. For you it is patience, being less judgemental and less controlling and for me it is compassion, prayer, and hope for others who are struggling.

      And I LOVE your statement that faith & worry cannot co-exist! Such truth to this! I am going to remember this each time I feel the anxiety and worry creeping in. I choose faith too, no matter how hard that is at times! Thanks for the reminder :-)

      Hope you are having a Happy Wednesday!

      -Kara
      www.waitingonbabyb.wordpress.com

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  3. I very much remember the pain of miscarrying and it can truly only be described as devastating. You are so right, even a simple 'I'm sorry' means the world to a woman who is miscarrying. It validates that her pain is real. People say the dumbest things and sometimes what you really need is someone who hugs you or gives your hand a squeeze.

    You will be in my prayers as your MC date nears and your mother's birthday nears.

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    1. YES, just look in my eyes or squeeze my hand and say, "I'm sorry" ya know? Maybe I just grew up in a family that was extremely open with our feelings. I just kept thinking if my mom were here, or if my sisters were here, they would be comforting me right now instead "playing dumb" so as not to cause any emotions to come forth or for fear of saying the wrong thing. Well, I NEEDED to be asked about it. I NEEDED to be told I had support. I NEEDED to be told it was going to be ok. Thank God for my husband, who always seems to do the job of ten people. He was my savior as usual.

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  4. *hugs* Anniversaries of these things are so hard. I didn't realize how bad until I started hitting one year of ATTC, one year of when I first learned something was wrong, one year of starting Clomid, etc. It's just so hard 'cause even though we're in a diff. spot now we can't help but relive the past. I hope with all my heart that on 11/20 you have a new memory to replace last year's. You've spent the past year getting your body into such a good place that I really think you are less likely to have another m/c. I know this is such a hard month for you and I'm even sorrier that no one (except one person) said anything to you last year. That's just cruel any way you slice it. Your tree is gorgeous and so is your home and I'm praying for a very Merry Christmas this year!

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    1. You know, the worst part about miscarrying is that dr.'s can never tell you exactly why it happened. I did, however, always feel in my heart like I got pregnant fairly quickly the first time from the fertility meds, but that maybe my body just wasn't ready yet. It wasn't until after the miscarriage that I really started getting my body more baby ready with a better diet, supplements, acu, etc. I hope you are right that when it happens again it will stick and I'll have a happy and healthy 9 months!

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    2. I really do believe it, Bump!! This next time is coming soon and it's going to be everything the last wasn't. I know you'll never forget your angel baby, but you'll get an earth baby too! *hugs*

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  5. I totally understand what you are going through. A year ago today I found out I was pregnant...and miscarried 4 days later. I ended up going to visit my dad the day I began miscarrying...we had already planned the trip (4 hours) and it was going to be our Thanksgiving. I figured it'd help get my mind off things. But while we were there with him and my step-mom, her daughter in law called to say they were pregnant...and my dad figured it out and shouted "She's pregnant!" It was like a knife through my heart. I haven't forgotten that moment...and how the holidays felt so cold last year with an empty womb :(

    By the way, your tree looks beautiful. I'm praying for you and hoping this year will be way better! :)

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    1. Oh my goodness, that is horrible! I would have sobbed my eyes out. I am so glad YOU are the one everyone will be congratulating this year!

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  6. Although I'm in the same camp as your grandma (no christmas until after thanksgiving, ha!), I love your tree :) So pretty! I told my husband that I want a very cheery, overly decorated christmas this year ... I need the distraction!

    Will be thinking of you next week and hoping you get a BFP! That would make for a fantastic Thanksgiving :)

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    1. That's it. I can't talk to you anymore if you are going to hate on my early Christmas! hehe Just kidding. :)

      Happy decorating to you too!

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  7. First of all, what a stunning tree. Love it! Second, I know all to well how awful the holidays were last year. I found out about my blighted ovum on November 18th (also the anniversary of my Mom's death) and I'm dreading that day, as I will every year, I'm sure. Christmas is a time to celebrate and hope, no matter what, and I think you made the right decision with your tree. How can that not make you smile! I have the same thoughts, and I know in the end, the tree will go up. All kinds of good juju coming your way for your test on the 20th. Here's hoping you have something extra special to be thankful for this year.

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    1. I will definitely be thinking of you on the 18th. Ovarian cancer just sucks, and for your mom's passing to happen on the same day as another tragedy is a double whammy. My mom passed on my husband's birthday of all days, so poor guy gets jeckyl and hyde every year as his present. Lol

      Thanks for always being so supportive! I am sending lots of good juju your way as well!

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  8. Emily, I am totally teary eyed reading about all that you went through during the holidays last year and how unresponsive and detached people were during that time. I can't even imagine how awful that must have been. I can see why it would make this time of year less exciting. I really hope that you are blessed with a little surprise on the 20th. Your decorations look beautiful! I will be praying for lots of peace and happiness for you, especially during this tough time.

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    1. Thanks Farra. I should mention my close friends were amazing and so was my husband. It's not like I was completely and totally alone...just very weird having company during an already uncomfortable time ya know. Thanks for the prayers.

      BIG congrats to you on your pregnancy as well!

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  9. "All of my tried and true tricks of mapping out a problem, plan of action, and ultimate goal are NOT working for the first time in my life and it's been HARD to come to terms with. I am finally learning to let go and give the control over to God. There are just so many things I don't understand still, but I've got to remind myself daily that for some reason I must need to learn something from this still. I am trying to remember each day that you can't have worry and faith together. They cannot co-exist. You either have faith or you worry. You can't have them both. I am trying to choose faith as best I can"

    ^^ I love this. Not because it's a good thing, but because it hits home and explains my feelings 150%! Do you mind if I quote you with this on my next blog post lol.... I'm serious though ;)

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    1. Don't mind at all Darcy. Quote away! I'm glad you hit home with you. I need to keep reading it myself to keep reminding myself!

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  10. LOVE this post Emily. Beautifully written. Jingle Hell- I totally feel you on that one even though I have not experienced a loss. Our child-centered family holiday's are very painful after so many years of thinking this would be our "last" holiday as a family of two. I love how you are embracing it and decorated your tree early. LOVE it and I might have to steal that idea!
    I can't stand it when people say nothing rather than risk not saying the right thing. It's terrible. People need to recognize silent struggles like infertility and loss.

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    1. Do it Sarah! The holiday cheer has totally changed the vibe in this house this past week.

      Also, I don't wish infertility or loss on anyone, but it just seems like it's happening more and more these days....or maybe I'm just talking to a lot of infertile people.

      Either way, it was only classified as a disease in 2009, so hopefully more people dealing with this will bring more awareness, understanding and support...not only from the general public, but also from legislation and insurance mandates!

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