Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The 2WW & Big Thanks to my Deadbeat Dad

8 days past ovulation today, and pesky little doubts are starting to sneak into my psyche.  I've been trying not to fixate on any symptoms, like the fact that my boobs feel extra full and tingly and kind of hard, just like they did the month I got pregnant. The junky thing about being on fertility meds is that they give you the same symptoms you'd have if you were in fact pregnant. That is one of the reasons fertility meds can cause such an emotional rollercoaster for women.

I am so hopeful that this could be our cycle to conceive, and yet I'm already starting to worry that it might not be too. I think when you've had so many cycles where you've tried your best but still end up with a -HPT, you begin to find ways to protect yourself from the possibility of impending heartbreak that might occur again.

Luckily, I have a lot of training from childhood to help me with this. I guess if I have one thing I can thank my father for, it's that I learned early "not to get my hopes up."  If you come from a family of divorce and had a father who never paid child support or who made you empty promises over and over and over, only to leave you feeling let down and crying in a corner, you may also relate to this early life lesson. It might sound crazy, but the second week of the 2 Week Wait always brings back the same emotions I used to get anytime my dad promised me something. I wanted so badly for it to happen, but I also knew the chances of it not happening were greater, based on past experiences.

On one hand, I am SO hopeful and am trying to believe with all my heart that this could be our lucky month. I think of all the things that have improved this cycle, mainly my progesterone response post-O and a better lining than normal, as well as what I believe was a stronger ovulation in general. On the other hand, I don't want to get too excited or hopeful, because I know if it doesn't end with a +HPT, then it will just hurt that much more. As much as I would like to focus on only the possibilities right now, I am still semi-consciously beginning to protect myself from the possibility of being let down. What if it doesn't happen for us AGAIN?  I hate that I have negative thoughts and doubts creeping in, when all I want is to focus my energy 100% on a positive outcome.

With that said, I'm off to do a couple sessions of Circle + Bloom to re-gain my positive focus and kick these pesky self doubts to the curb. I'm so looking forward to my next acu session in two more days. Please Lord, let there be amazing things happening inside my body right now!

Am I the only one who goes through this is the 2WW? What things do you do to try to re-focus your energy in the right direction?


  1. I am constantly second-guessing every pre-O decision while in the TWW! One minute I'm convinced I must be pregnant, but then I remember how many times I've been let down, and I prepare for AF instead, just in case. Fingers crossed the Femara works for you!!

  2. Every time a doubt creeps its way in, just think of something positive that has happened this cycle to counteract that. Your body has had an amazing response and I really think you every reason to be and stay hopeful that it will work out this time. I know I'm really excited for you and being hopeful for you, even if doubts start to creep your way in. Just focus on everything that's gone right and I'm praying for you and keeping everything crossed!!!

  3. I hear you on that sister! my bio dad is not reliable. Never met him untill recently when I found him on FB, along with my 6 other half siblings! (I do like them, lol). I had a step-dad too who was a drunk and didn't last long. God bless my mama, without her I would be nothing. It took me a really long time to want to get married and I'm glad I did. The lesson I learned from my fathers is that I knew exactly what I did NOT want in a husband. :)