Wednesday, July 31, 2013

I'm Hurting, But I'M HERE

Who wouldn't love a weekend away at a golf resort, especially when there's a massage and facial on the books? Anyone right? Well, anyone who isn't the slightest bit affected by being the ONLY COUPLE at the whole resort without a family in toe. I swear I am not exaggerating.

I really do feel bad for whining. My husband took the time to turn one of his golf tournaments into a nice weekend for us. Knowing this, my MIL even bought me a birthday gift card to their spa to use while there. I had all these grand plans to lay out at the pool and bake in the sun and just BE. We promptly realized upon our arrival that the pool was completely overtaken by swim diapers and cannonballs, but managed to squeeze into the last two chairs available and eek out an hour of sun.

Saturday it rained for most of the day. While hubby golfed, I busied myself walking around indoors and sitting in their Serenity Room reading my book, The Fault in Our Stars.


Great read by the way, if you can find inspiration from a young woman's cancer/love story, albeit a fictional one....it definitely moved me! Honestly, if I could have spent the entire weekend in this room it probably would have been less painful emotionally.

Leaving our hotel room there would be a happy little family holding hands and crossing our path. Stepping off of the elevator, another with a packed stroller would enter. Rounding the corner, there was a pregnant woman resting in a chair and rubbing her belly. Approaching the hostess stand for dinner there was another family of four, including a two year old with bright blonde hair and the world's cutest pigtails. Even choosing to eat dinner in the bar area, I still somehow managed to have another pregnant lady and her friends situated right behind me talking about the pregnancy, "Have you decided on a name? Ohhhh, that is so sweet!" Just the tip of the iceberg, but you get it.

We decided to venture out on Saturday afternoon to get away. I think my husband was quite aware I was having a hard time with the resort experience. We decided to go see a funny movie, The Heat, and grab some lunch first. It's been a loooong time since we've been to the mall, but this is where the movie was. We decided to grab a bite at California Pizza Kitchen beforehand. I really wish I would have taken a picture, because the scenery was just soooo over the top. There were literally NINE strollers parked in a row outside the entrance. Yes, I counted. It was like a baby biker bar for goodness' sake! Even my husband (who never makes these sort of comments) says, "Ok, this is just ridiculous." He was right. It truly was. Sage word of advice for anyone planning to spend the weekend in the Barton Creek area of Austin, TX....FAMILIES ONLY! And also, malls probably aren't the safest place to frequent either if you don't want to get run over by a stroller.

The Heat was hilarious luckily, which saved the day momentarily before returning back to Romper Room Resort. Thank God (I mean my MIL) for my massage and facial the next day too. I was in desperate need of pampering by that time. You know when you get so frustrated you just want to throw your hands in the air and say to heck with it? That is what I did. Evidence below...


Chocolate, sugar, and dairy; All whipped into a deliciously fertility UNfriendly dish. A girl can only take so many dietary restrictions before she caves! Somehow, Reese's peanut butter cheesecake just makes it all better.

I realize there are MUCH bigger problems in the world than the fact that we are having issues starting a family of course. I also realize that I was at a golf resort experiencing the emotional side effects of infertility, and not in a homeless shelter somewhere. I am continuously giving thanks for ALL that we do have, and especially that we have each other. There just always seems to be a "special" place in my heart reserved for this intense sadness and emptiness that never goes away. I can't help feeling hurt when our dream of a family is still hanging in the balance.

I woke up Monday feeling completely defeated and extremely depressed, so much so that I finally made the long overdue call to a therapist who specializes in infertility. This wasn't an easy call to make, but I know I can't do this alone anymore. My husband is amazing YES, but it also shouldn't lie solely on his shoulders to be my sounding board and support me(us) through the ups and downs on this crazy rollercoaster. My first apt. is next Monday, and I feel better already knowing I have someone professional to talk to about all of these unwanted emotions.

No doubt I am hurting, but I AM STILL HERE. I am still trying to make it through this hard time with some semblence of who I once was. I am trying to minimize the scars that will be left behind once this infertility journey has ended, God willing. I am certainly not giving up by any stretch of the imagination.

This weekend made me think of a sermon that Joel Osteen gave recently called "Stay in the Game."
He brings up an example of a professional basket ball player that attends the big game with a broken hand and bruised ribs. A reporter asks the basketball player, "How are you feeling today?" The basketball player responds, "It's a little painful, but I'd rather be in the game in pain than watching from the sidelines."

Pastor Osteen reminds us that God will give us beauty for our ashes. We all have wounds, but we can't allow it to sideline us. We need to shake off the self-pity and discouragement and get back in the game. Sometimes in life, we have to play in pain. God is in the business of helping those who keep getting back up, even when times are tough.  It's easy to stay faithful and determined when things go our way, but it's when we can still show up during difficult times that God really takes notice. Our attitude should be, "I may be hurting, but I'M STILL HERE." I really LOVE this sermon...


That message is going to be forefront in my mind as I work through each emotional obstacle that comes my way. I will keep it in my back pocket for the times I feel defeated. No doubt there will be more, but I will not just complain and do nothing. I may be bruised and bandaged, but I am doing my very best to continue showing up and doing something about it. I will not be sidelined, and I will not give up.  I'm hurting, but I'M HERE.

19 comments:

  1. Oh Em, I am sorry you were surrounded by baby mania. It never seems to fail. I'm glad you still attempted to enjoy your get away weekend with your Hubs. That dessert looks delicious!

    Love your saying: Our attitude should be, "I may be hurting, but I'M STILL HERE." Keep your chin up lady, you will be a mother one day.

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  2. Emily, wow, I totally can understand your frustration at the resort. I'm glad you are finally checking out therapy. I started seeing someone who is absolutely fabulous a couple weeks ago (dealing with mother issues) and it's so wonderful... I thought, why in the world did I suffer so long before doing this? It has made the world of difference. I love the quote about it being better to be in pain and be in the game than sitting on the sidelines. Wow, yes- that speaks volumes to how I have felt so many times. Lots of love to you and hope that you are healing from a frustrating weekend. I'm sorry you are hurting but so glad you are here. :)

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  3. Oh Emily!! I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. First of all, yay for making that phone call! I know hard that was but I am glad you took this first step. I think even when you become preg it will be handy to have someone to talk to. Secondly props for braving through that weekend and not shutting down and burying yourself in the hotel room 'cause I'm not sure I could have survived all that! Lastly kudos to you for being here, struggling, and moving forward. Emily, I honestly think about you everyday and say prayers for you. This FET coming up just has to work. Huge hugs to you and lots of love and good thoughts towards a healthy pregnancy soon!

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  4. First, I totally understand... I feel like I sometimes can't leave my house for fear of bumping into someone with a baby or that someone else I know will announce a pregnancy. It's so hard, but know that you're not alone :( I'm proud of you for calling an IF therapist to talk about everything with. I'm eager to hear how it goes and what you think... I still haven't taken that plunge yet. xoxo

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  5. They are seriously everywhere. Maybe it's just where we are right now that it's almost like this super beacon that draws attention to bumps, babies and strollers for us specifically. I feel your pain and I wish I was there to give you a big hug and just cry together.

    I agree with you...one day we will definitely share some great stories of what we went through way back when. I choose to believe that. However we get there, we will and both of us and our husbands will be better, stronger people because of it.

    That said...I hope it's soon for both of our sanity. I love your message of here but hurting. It's certainly how I've felt these past few weeks. You're not alone friend. I'm walking right beside you no matter how far apart in miles.

    Also, I've really found my IF therapist helpful. It's nice to be able to go in a room and just talk it all out and cry to someone that won't judge and is there to help. Good for you. xo

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  6. Hurting for you. :( I hate this. Why does everybody have to be frickin' pregnant??? I'm so glad you called the therapist and totally agree about the dessert. A girl can only go so long ...

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  7. Stay in the game, what a good reminder! As always, thinking of you. Hope that you find a peace when talking with the therapists!! Hugs!

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  8. Oh Emily, Wow... when I said the best part about being infertile is being childless, I was picturing myself being able to go volunteer in Africa for 6 months or something like that... Any one of us would have been completely sidelined if we had the same experience as you did at the resort! Your feelings are totally understandable. I am so impressed that you are still counting your blessings and trying to remain positive despite the amount of challenges you are facing. So many of us would just give in completely and let the sadness overtake us.

    I think you made the right decision calling the therapist. I hope you find even more peace by speaking with her.

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    1. No worries GM! I totally know where you were coming from, and I like your attitude of turning it around and enjoying the freedom we do have while we have it. I totally need reminders to do that!

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  9. UGH! You go into the weekend relaxing and then BAM! I'm so sorry.

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  10. Amen! I love this post. Not the part about being miserable at the resort (been there, hated that), but about playing through the pain. I'm trying to focus on this too. I've been considering a therapist as well. This process has taken a major toll on my life and something needs to change.

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  11. I am so sorry your weekend getaway was tainted by all the families. That's one of the worst parts of this awful journey. We all become so acutely aware of bumps, babies, and everything else related to families. I'm glad you made the call to talk to someone. It always seems to help to just let out everything that we have to hold in on a daily basis. Praying for you!

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  12. infertility may not be the worst problem on earth, but most of the time it feels like it. and most of us need therapy. good for your for realizing that you need someone other than your husband to takl to. I believe it will help yo and him! p.s. i wat to eat that cheesecake everyday.

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  13. Gosh! Sorry the resort was packed with children and pregnant women! That's very tough! You are very strong Emily and make very good choices. Good for you for calling the fertility therapist. The one I had helped me a lot. It is very true that we can't and shouldn't burden our husbands with all this, they are going through it already and then have to try to ease our pain on top of it might be much for most. And we need to talk and get things out. I think the therapist will help you a ton! Big hugs to you! xo

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  14. Oh man! I'm so sorry your trip was taken over by rugrats and pregnant ladies everywhere. I think you did the right thing by getting that Reese's cheesecake ;) I would have definitely done the same! I'm so glad to hear that you're going to be seeing a therapist that specializes in infertility. I've really gained a lot of from therapy, though I am currently looking for someone who specializes in IF. I sometimes don't know how so many of us have dealt with so much without therapy as long as we did! As always, I'm wishing you the best and praying for it as well!

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  15. I love you ladies. Makes me feel so much better to know I'm not the only one who has seen/is seeing a therapist. I am realllly looking forward to it!

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  16. Oh man, big hugs to you! I'm with you..... pregnant ladies are taking over the world....they really are EVERYWHERE! I'm sorry that the depression and sadness of IF tainted some of your trip.... so not fair. But, I'm glar that you were STILL able to find some peace and laughter inbetween. Therapy has made me feel better, justified, and more comfortable with my feelings of infertility at times that I was at my worst. I don't go as often as I should, but I know when I start feeling really down or angry that therapy is the best help. Making the call to set an appt is ALWAYS the hardest step for me. I hope you find some postivity, peace, justification, and support from your therapist. ♡♥♡♥

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  17. I cannot say thank you enough for this post - I so needed to watch this video. I just had my first ever BFP after my second IVF only to find out yesterday that it is an ectopic pregnancy. I had the mtx injection yesterday and have been feeling very down, as I'm DOR too and feel like the only thing I do not have is time to wait to try again. Thank you for your post - I plan on staying in the game with you, friend. xxoo

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    1. Oh Diana, I am so very sorry to hear this about you. Booooo! Mtx is no fun, and especially after going through so much to get there. I am so glad you liked the video. Needless to say, Joel Osteen has so many uplifting messages. If you don't already know, he's on tv every Sunday, so check your local listings. I hope that your ectopic resolves quickly and that you can find closure and move on with supernatural peace. ((HUGS))

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